driftfleet | Your regularly scheduled creepy visitor

...

[He's not. Hawke doesn't... seem to get it.

Cole looks at the boots, slightly suspicious.]

How do I bend my ankles in them?

The leather's supple enough to bend with you I think. If it's leather, who knows with these space age things, but it should bend with you.

Go ahead, try them on.

[Cole still look suspicious, but he takes them, holding them and trying to see what they had to say.

Not much. They were very new. Made without emotion. It was strange.

He sat down, pulling off his shoes and pulling on one of the boots. He didn't tie up the laces, just moved his foot around, testing how it felt.]

A bit like armour boots.

Do they fit alright?

[He watches Cole flex his ankle, trying to see if the shoes are the spirit's size.]

Do they pinch anywhere?

[Or can Cole just... make them fit by changing shape a bit through general spiritiness? Hawke has no idea. The only spirit he'd spent any long amount of time with was Justice and it's not as if they had heart to heart conversations. It's only now that he's starting to get a sense that Justice changed Anders when the mage had let the spirit inhabit him, and whether that's good or bad is something he hasn't settled on yet.

The thought makes him frown.]

I don't know.

[Nothing he had fitted him right. He wasn't sure how to tell if they fit.

He looks at his feet, tapping them together and then doing up the laces, sort of. He pulled them tighter, but didn't knot them.]

Spirits shouldn't live in people. It's bad for us.

[Does he know how to tie shoes?

...

Why would a spirit know how to tie shoes?

Adalwolfe kneels down to have a go at the laces for Cole but he doesn't get that far, instead snapping his head up to look at the gangly youth.]

What do you mean, bad for you?

[He knows how to tie knots, but he still forgets he needs to tie laces most of the time.]

Mortals shape spirits. You know that. Being in a mortal, even when both of you agree to it, it's not good for us. We're changed by it.

[He does know that. Maker's balls, Anders had practically told him as much. Hawke had thought the other mage was being melodramatic at the time but after what happened in Kirkwall, after what Justice had almost done to that girl, what they'd done together to the Chantry...]

Was it... really his fault, then? That Justice...

[Hawke trails off but he's sure Cole knows.

That Justice was corrupted?

Hawke shakes his head and stands, knotting done.]

No, even if that is what happens, laying blame is pointless. From what I understand they merged mutually, for good reason. Even if the result wasn't what they'd hoped, neither one can be at fault for a mistake. They likely didn't know.

[That has to be it.]

It wasn't anyone's fault. Justice was trapped and Anders wanted to help his friend. It's not about fault or blame, just understanding. You need to understand.

They probably didn't think about it and it did take a long time. Longer than usual for the mutual problems to start. But Anders was angry. Rightly angry, but angry. And Justice could feel the righteousness of it. Echoed it.

Lots of things led to that moment. Cullen blames himself still for not standing against her sooner. Marian blamed herself for not stepping in and getting aggressively involved. Varric always carried a spark of guilt for the red lyrium statue.

Everyone thought they were doing the right thing.

[He has to walk away for a moment. It's only a few steps, but he puts his back to Cole and brings a hand to his head. He'd thought they'd been over this enough, that it had been put behind them for all the good it had turned out to do for the mages thanks in no small part to the Inquisitor for allowing the mages to freely aid the Inquisition and diffusing further hostilities between them and the Templars. Inquisitor Lavellen had done what Hawke could not and Adalwolfe felt nothing but gratitude for that.

But Anders... Adalwolfe worries for his love. He'd always been wary over Justice, the way he would take over Anders entirely when in the Fade, causing the blond to forgo sleep as often as he could spare. Or the way he could take over Anders even in the waking world, if something he deemed unjust happened in front of him. He'd erupt suddenly and not relinquish hold of Anders without a battle of wills, one that always left the healer ragged and shuddering.

And yet Anders always maintained Justice was his friend, that he had done wrong by the Spirit with his anger. Adalwolfe took that with a grain of salt, but after hearing Anders speak of Justice now, here when he came from before Kirkwall, before he'd merged with Justice, he now thinks that corruption could potentially go both ways. No, not... not corruption. Contamination, bleeding into one another until the edges are blurred between soul and Spirit. Anders had said, so eerily calm after the explosion, "I took a spirit into my soul and changed myself forever..."

Did that spirit tell you to do this? Hawke had asked with anger, but it was a plea too, an askance to give him someone to blame other than the man to whom he'd given his heart.

"No. When we merged, he ceased to be. We are one now."

But that can't be true, can it? With Justice as a separate consciousness in the Fade? He'd seen it. It had been years before, but he'd seen it. There had to be a way to separate them again, to save both of them from the influence of the other...

Yet it was Justice that caused Anders to act. Like this, here in the fleet, he's a coward to the point of hiding, only cowed into helping the injured when it became too difficult to ignore. Adalwolfe prefers his Anders, the one he fell in love with in Kirkwall. Older, perhaps more hurt, but more earnest too. None of these silly deflections and off-color jokes to hide behind. When Anders joked in Kirkwall, it was because he wanted to, not to hide anything else.

He let himself care, then. And perhaps that's partially with Justice to thank.

But it's not how it's supposed to be, is it?]

Is there a way to separate them?

[Cole listens in.

He's not trying to pry, he's trying to understand so he can help. Understanding is the only way to help, so he wants to understand this.

And he does, in a way. Justice (Vengeance) and Anders affected each other. Anders made Justice angry. Justice drove Anders to actions a spirit could never make alone.]

Yes. Faith left Wynne, for Evangeline. A spirit bound in this world cannot get back to the Fade, not that I know of, but I'm not Wisdom. There's lots I don't know.

Faith left Wynne, but Wynne died. Evangeline was dying and Faith sustains her. I don't know how to separate Anders and Vengeance. They both need to want it, though and I don't think they do. It's them against the world. Like no one else can ever understand.

You're right. They're not one. They share a mind and body, but the soul and spirit aren't the same. But... A spirit leaving usually kills the mortal, from what I've seen.

He gives a small shrug, not standing up off the floor.

I'm not wise, or clever, or educated. I know about how people feel, but not about abominations, really. I'm not in a person. I never have been. Never wanted to be. So I don't entirely get it.

[It's not what he wanted to hear, but it's expected. There's a glimmer of hope in saying usually, in saying he doesn't entirely understand, but if there's a risk that Anders could die if they separated, Adalwolfe isn't willing to take it.

Though that may not be his decision, if he tells Anders about this conversation.]

I know abominations. Anders isn't one, not with Justice. I would know.

[He breathes out, turning back around to face Cole with a tenuous smile.]

Thank you for telling me. I think, if that's something that Justice and Anders would want, we'd need more information before presenting it to him.

Them. [He corrects himself.]

Why don't we just keep this to ourselves for now, alright? Justice isn't even here anyway, so it's all a moot point.

There isn't another word for a spirit living with a mortal in the mortal's body.

[It's not a judgment, just the only word he knows for that situation.]

Maybe, with more Compassion, they could ease themselves back towards Justice and Anders again. I don't know. I am Compassion, so I usually think more Compassion will help.

[He flops backwards to lie on the floor, arms spread wide.]

I'm good at keeping secrets. Even without being threatened.

I'm not threatening you.

[Adalwolfe gives Cole a put out look and mumbles under his breath.]

Why does everyone always think that's what I'm doing?

Anyway, I do agree. More Compassion might actually help. I think it's something that Justice lacks. Which makes sense considering you Spirits tend to embody a single concept in that way.

[He stretches his memory far back to lessons by campfire while on the road, cuddled up in a blanket to keep himself and Bethany warm while their father taught them what he knew. And less far, to conversations by candlelight in his bedroom in the estate or in Anders' Darktown clinic. Little clues to unraveling which bits are which, spirit or man.

Adalwolfe sits on his bunk to avoid pacing and in turn avoid stepping on Cole.]

Anders had it - has it - in spades, but was - is - to afraid to act on it. Justice helped him with that, I think.

No. I know. I didn't think you were.

[I'm sorry, do you think sprawling in an open manner is how he reacts to being threatened?]

Other people have, though. Fear makes people do things like that.

Yes. We embody one thing. I'm more complex, because I have mortal memories as well. I know Rage and Vengeance. Justice could benefit from Compassion, but will resist it.

[He props himself up on his elbows.]

Anders has Compassion, but his Rage and Fear sometimes hide it. Compassion vanishes easily. We're weak, pitiable spirits, a sentiment easily crushed under any other passion, virtue of emotion.

[Yeah, that really is something he's heard before.]

[Hey, you never know with spirits.]

I don't think compassion is weak. As a concept, it's one of the strongest things you can do, is be compassionate. It changes minds simply by example. Brings people to do not just what is right but is humane, even if that isn't an easy thing.

[He can almost hear his father's voice instead of his own, speaking through him.]

Maybe it's like that with Spirits too. Does others belief in your embodiment make you stronger? If that's true, then maybe there's an even stronger possibility of bringing Justice back from Vengeance.

[Oh Maker please let that be it.]

Most mages think we're the weakest.

[Cole doesn't think about it much. Compassion spirits tend to be easily bullied by other, more forceful spirits. They congregate in spots of kindness, hospitals, shelters, refuges.

Rarely Chantries anymore. That... probably says something unkind about the Chantry.]

Not... belief. Being. Feeling. Acting. When I'm around people who care, who give, who heal, I feel more sure of myself.

Most mages think they know more than they do and are too sheltered to be proven otherwise.

[He doesn't say it unkindly; honestly he feels poorly for his brethren and sistren, once trapped in the Circles with little to sustain them besides books and furtive bits of stolen time behind closed doors. Maybe outings to entertain at parties like his father had, but rarely do they end in such a way as was Malcolm's luck.

It's why he'd gone with Anders to keep stoking that fire of rebellion even after the fallout in Kirkwall. Mages needed freedom to really live, even from the Circles where things weren't nearly as bad as in the Gallows. Imprisonment is still imprisonment, no matter how pretty the cage or how well you convince yourself you wish to be there. If you're not allowed to leave, it's still a jail.

The trouble hadn't been in helping the war itself. If anything, mages had done nothing but hone their art for so long that they were highly destructive on the battlefield, even if not always effective. No, it was explaining how certain things worked in the world. Doing your own laundry, buying food. Easy things that the ones who had been brought too young to their towers and always done as told never had the need to know. That more than anything broke his heart on some level.]

It's similar then. Does that mean that if Justice is around people who are concerned with what's fair and right and not with recompense, he would be more certain as well? Provided there's a way for him to leave Anders willingly without either dying.

Most people think they know best. The ones who don't think that are often the ones who actually do.

[Cole isn't going to argue about whether they're sheltered or not. They can be. But they have an entirely different set of difficulties to overcome.]

You don't think much of mages from Circles. Why?

[Which is a total change of subject, yes.]

What? That's not true.

I worry for them considering the life of every mage in Thedas got turned upside-down by the war and a great many of the ones in the Circles don't know what to do about that. Apostates are hunted all their lives, they know how to defend themselves, presumably, or they'd already be dead. Circle mages don't have that experience and so can fall easy victim to--

[He waves a hand in front of himself as if to wave off the conversation mid-sentence. It's a little irksome to think you're having one conversation and then have someone respond to an entirely different train of thought.]

This isn't what we were talking about, Cole. Generally when you have a conversation you're supposed to respond to what people say, not their thoughts.

[Cole listens, focuses, tries to hear the other things. Gets shaken from it when he gets scolded.]

Yes. But I don't. Your thoughts were very loud.

I don't know if it will help. I'm not Wisdom. Solas might know. It would not make things worse?

I'll.. try to think more quietly.

[How do you even think quietly? He doesn't know, but he'll try.]

As long as it wouldn't make things worse.

[He sighs and leans back on his hands.]

It's all pointless unless I can get back though. Anders here is...

[It's a complicated burst of emotion that for all he'd just thought he should try to think quietly he can't quell. He's just so angry at Anders for things that he knows aren't the mage's fault, that he can't possibly be responsible for. It's not his doing that Atroma pulled him from an earlier time, that he's more frightened and more frivolous to hide it. It's not his fault that Adalwolfe has to wake up every morning with the knowledge that he's here, in the fleet, with no bloody idea of who Adalwolfe is except for some crazy that makes up stories then storms off. It's not his fault that Adalwolfe can't even look at him without his heart rising and then sinking immediately after. That Hawke holds weakly onto his anger in an effort just not to hurt.

He takes a breath, trying to get back on track.]

Solas. That was the apostate with the Inquisition, right?

You don't need to think quietly. Your feelings are always strong, even if your outside doesn't show it. You're a mage, you sing louder.

[Anders here isn't his Anders, isn't the fragile, world hardened healer he knows. He still has fragments of innocence and a pricklier demeanour to hide a more vulnerable, scared more than angry self.

He lets the change of conversation happen.]

Yes. He played chess with The Iron Bull, in their heads, speaking the pieces and moves aloud.

[Hawke tries not to make a sour face at his inability to hide from Cole just by the fact that he's a mage, but thankfully the spirit lets the conversation drift away from the source of his personal turmoil. Or... one of. There are a lot of sources currently, unfortunately.]

That's a good skill. I used to do that as a child, sometimes. Do you like chess?

[He used to do it with Malcolm, an exercise in mental acuity and acumen. Training, but training he didn't mind because it was more akin to a game when Hawke was small.

Also it's better than talking about whatever else.]

I'm not very good at chess. I can play, Rhys taught me in the Pit, but I find it hard not to listen to the pieces and board instead.

Varric says I'm very bad at cards because you're not meant to talk to them.

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