driftfleet | [Video] [Public] [On purpose what is this thing]

Who: Tyrion Lannister
Broadcast: Everyone
Action: SS First Breath, Crowley's Bar
When: Todayish

[Tyrion spins around in his chair, to face the camera, and yes; Drift Fleet, he is speaking directly to you.]

Good morrow, my fellow prisoners. [One corner of his mouth twists up - yes, he went there.] Recent events have proven to me, yet again, that in the face of adversity, one must look towards a brighter side of life. It would be altogether too easy to let what Atroma has done to one of our own, and I assure you, I believe it was done to this poor man -- drag us into paranoia and fear.

[He pauses.] For example I have built at least five new tasers. Still, even I realize that fear will do nothing but let them have their little drama, so I offer something else instead. Have some ... rather questionable entertainment - older parental figures, please remove all children from their viewing screens. You can let them have them back when I am done.

[A pause, while he taps his fingers in his table, looking at the ceiling and humming.]

They are gone? Good. First ... a poetry reading from the basket I was sent. I have been told I have a 'beautiful voice' and so I am sharing here with all of you - in apparently the most perverse way possible.

[He clears his throat, smirks at the camera, and begins to read.]

I knew a woman, lovely in her bones,
When small birds sighed, she would sigh back at them;
Ah, when she moved, she moved more ways than one:
The shapes a bright container can contain!
Of her choice virtues only gods should speak,
Or English poets who grew up on Greek
(I'd have them sing in chorus, cheek to cheek.)

How well her wishes went! She stroked my chin,
She taught me Turn, and Counter-turn, and stand;
She taught me Touch, that undulant white skin:
I nibbled meekly from her proffered hand;
She was the sickle; I, poor I, the rake,
Coming behind her for her pretty sake
(But what prodigious mowing did we make.)

Love likes a gander, and adores a goose:
Her full lips pursed, the errant note to seize;
She played it quick, she played it light and loose;
My eyes, they dazzled at her flowing knees;
Her several parts could keep a pure repose,
Or one hip quiver with a mobile nose
(She moved in circles, and those circles moved.)

Let seed be grass, and grass turn into hay:
I'm martyr to a motion not my own;
What's freedom for? To know eternity.
I swear she cast a shadow white as stone.
But who would count eternity in days?
These old bones live to learn her wanton ways:
(I measure time by how a body sways.)

[He closes the book with a snap, smiles that crooked smile of his, and then pushes his chair off in another direction, where a map of Westeros stands.] And because I promised my good friend Kitty's man, Winn, here is a lesson on my home country. This ... is Westeros, and marked here are the holdings of the major houses of Westeros at the time of Robert's Rebellion.

[Tyrion takes a pointer, and starts at the top of the map, where there is the head of a wolf on a dark grey background.] Here are the holdings of House Stark, which by the way are still the holdings of House Stark, I don't care who says what. Why would anyone want that much frozen landscape anyways, it's beyond me. Still, it is a beautiful, harsh country - whose people are loyal to a fault and more stubborn beyond. House Stark embodies all of that - please see Robb Stark if you disbelieve me. Their home is Winterfell, and their house motto is Winter Is Coming. If you ask - yes they have a fine grasp on the seasons, it is meant to be a saying that while you might be fat and drunk and with some comely person in your bed -- beware. Darker times are always ahead, so be prepared. Stock up on that wine, and the comely ones!

[He gestured to the right.] Here are the holdings of House Arryn - they are mostly in the mountains of Westeros, where their home lies, fondly called the Eyrie. Since it takes two lifts up the side of a mountain and several donkeys, the name is apt. I would not recommend the view, especially if you are sitting in one of their dungeons - they lack a wall right where a drop to your death would be. They also have a lovely way to assassinate you - it's called the Moon Door. They throw you out and see if you can fly. [One eyebrow raises.] Consider that. Their house motto is 'As High As Honor' - which means they consider themselves very honorable for being that high off the ground. As they honored their word to let me go? I'll consider it apt.

[Moving the pointer on, he gestures to the sigil of the fish.] These are the riverlands - home of many famous battles over the years, and the most fertile land outside of Highgarden's holdings. This is the home of House Tully, and if you are wondering if the fish means they are slippery - please. It is the fish because the fishing is excellent. The only slippery member of House Tully would be the Blackfish, and that man earned that honorific for being the slyest member of his entire household, which is quite an accomplishment all things considered. House Tully is annoying honest and forthright. Their family motto is 'Family. Duty. Honor.' Trust me, they do go in that order. My brother Jaime found that out all too well when he got to spend time in their dungeon ... are you noting a theme about my family? But we'll get to them later.

[He gestured downward.] The lands of House Targaryan. Ruling family of Westeros for hundreds of years, before Robert's Rebellion. They came from Valyria with dragons and basically trounced us all into the ground. [He smirks back at the camera.] That's what happens when someone has dragons. They sort of trump everything else. They weren't a bad lot, all things considered, except inbreeding made some of them ... odd. Interesting fact about them, they believe in the three heads of the dragon, which means sometimes in their family brothers marry sisters and begat children who are their children and their nieces and nephews at the same time. This has turned out to be ... ah ... again, something of a mixed blessing for them. However, they produced Daenerys Targaryan, so it didn't end too badly. The Mother of Dragons is a delight, in my personal opinion. Their house motto is 'Fire and Blood' - mostly dealing with, their dragons spit fire, and then you bleed from every orifice. Their home is Dragonstone - because ... well, you guessed it.

[He shifts the pointer down again.] And here we are to our current ruling house, House Baratheon. Here is a fun fact for you - Robert started the rebellion against the Targaryans for kidnapping his future bride and killing his future father-in-law and brother-in-law. Twenty years later after he ... died under mysterious circumstances, ahem, his two brothers then rose up in rebellion against his wife's family - my family - for then murdering him and not having any direct heirs to the throne. In fact Stannis and Renly were two of the kings in the war of the five kings. Which is now the war of ... ah ... let's see, Stannis is still about, Renly is dead, Joffrey is dead, but Aemon is coming and Tommen's taken the throne - I believe it is not the war of Three or Four Kings, with a side of Squid Uprising and soon to have another platter of Fire and Blood Queen. So, there you have that. Their motto is 'Ours Is The Fury' and since Renly is the only one I remember being able to control his temper - at all, I would say that is correct. Very angry lot, the Baratheons. Their home is Storm's End, a bleak sort of place but very fitting.

[Yes, he mercifully left out Robb's own death. You're welcome, King of the North.]

Now, we shall slip further south here to House Martell, who live in Dorne, a country mostly made up of desert and very angry, very clever people. Theirs is the hottest country, but what they lack in farmland they make up in warriors who can slay you in a heartbeat. Interesting fact about them - they never took a knee in defeat to House Targaryan - they only joined the Seven Kingdoms through marriage, and even that was hard-won. In fact many of their great alliances were built through marriage. I apparently almost married Princess Elia of Dorne - had my father managed to not be a complete ass I might be a Prince Consort right now. They got their revenge though - Elia married Rhaegar, heir to the Iron Throne and ousted my sister. The Martells have had it out for the Lannisters since Robert's Rebellion -- no wonder because if not for us the whole dastardly plot would have fallen through. Their house motto is 'Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroken.', which as the name suggests, means they aren't taking a knee to any of us, so fuck off. Their home seat is Sunspear, and I hear the water gardens are lovely.

[The pointer shifts to the south west.] Ah, Highgarden, the most fertile land in all of Westros. Their gardens are legendary, as are their beauties, and none more than the Rose of House Tyrell, Margaery. [A slight bow of the waist.] House Tyrell was gifted with these lands by King Aemon, hundred of years ago. Fun fact about them -- they have the most delicious wine in all of Westeros, perhaps the known world. It is Arbor Red, and I would probably stab a great deal of you in the back of the leg to get a bottle of it before you did. Highgarden is also the home of chivalry in the Seven Kingdoms, you will never find knights with better manners or ladies with more refinement. Again, I direct you to Margaery, and I promise you, her brother Loras is equally shining and beautiful. It would be annoying if they weren't so damned charming. Their seat is Highgarden, and their motto is 'Growing Strong'. Since they have survived every king for the last thousand years or so, I think they've earned it.

[The pointer shifts up - and up further, to a small string of islands.] And here lies the Iron Islands, ruled by House Greyjoy. If ever a house was more aptly named, I cannot think of it. Everything about their islands is grey and without cheer. Their people, their boats, their rather disturbing beliefs about their gods of the water. They are a hard people, and they rule the seas like one would rule lands - sometimes without any damned clue at all. For example - the Iron Islands stood in protest against Robert, and then tried to take on all of House Stark.
[He points to the tiiiiiny Iron Islands. And then to the huuuuuuuuuuuuge North.] Clearly not good strategy. However, it should be noted that the motto for House Greyjoy is 'We Do Not Sow'. They don't grow anything on their islands, but instead prefer to raid the rest of us for their food and supplies. Which ... honestly, makes them noble pirates, or pirate nobles, although I find the pirate part usually the most apt. Their seat is the Pyke. Again, aptly named.

[The pointer flourishes.] And now, we finish with House Lannister, my own house. We are known for many things - my father Tywin was known as the coldest man in all of Westros, my brother Jaime was known as the Kingslayer for his part in Robert's Rebellion, and my sister is an acknowledged beauty from one end of Westros to another -- and her cunt is known for it's looseness as well. We are the richest family in all of Westeros, and therefore, also the most hated. In fact, people will spit when they say our name. Lannister is synonymous with spitting out one's curses - in fact I believe that we may have single-handedly wet our own fields with the spit of the outraged. Now, that is not to say that all of House Lannister is without honor - my Uncle Kevan for example is a fine man, bit weak about the knees but otherwise honorable and intelligent. Jaime did kill a mad king who was boiling people in oil. And then you have me - the most despised member of House Lannister, by House Lannister, despite being lauded as the smartest man in all of Westeros. [He looked flatly at the screen.] Yet I'm the one that everyone seems to like, despite my appearance. Please suck on that particular tit for awhile. My family also falls in for incest - my father and mother were first cousins - and since this produced Cersei and Joffrey, you can see how well that turned out.

[He rests his pointer between his hands, looking mock solemnly at the screen.] Your lesson for the day is ... Incest is Bad, children. At any rate - our home is Casterly Rock, where we sit on a mountain of gold and lions, and our motto is 'Hear Me Roar'. Noted though, we don't roar until we've ripped your throat out. We're sneaky like that.

And here, endeth the lesson. [Tyrion smiles cheerfully.] I am going to see about my new job managing liquor now, but do feel free to stop by, pay for a drink and ask me as many questions as you like about Westeros history and or politics. I shall be happy to enlighten you.

[And he turns off the feed.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Then all the more reason to keep at it.

See? This is what I mean. You're practically radiating sincerity and goodness from the top of your excellent hair to your well trimmed boots, ser.

[He shook his head, smiling crookedly.] One might wonder when the other shoe drops.