mk.05 (text)

[paraclete]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa, anyone else!
Broadcast: fleetwide
Action: his bunk, the Vanquish
When: this afternoon

Need advice for when one's body is trying to kill oneself

[Shipmates may notice how he hasn't left his bunk but a couple of times in the entirety of this past week. This means he's been of no use as an engineer, which is bad news considering this mysterious bug business. Even without that, he should at least be tending to the ship's overhead lights, which have been flickering on occasion... (The particularly astute might note that this seems to coincide with the muffled sounds of what could be... sneezes?)

But, alas, he is dying. He's pretty sure of it.]


(augment glitch = baby's first flu!)

Comments

[beathach]

Exactly. That's how it always seems to go. [the incident with Winter had proven all of his paranoias right, and while the time on the hand-holding planet had done wonders for them all, now that they were stuck on the ships again that fear was creeping back.

Oh, does he know fear, though. It's always there, in the back of his mind, in one way or another.

He tilts his head when Kaworu speaks next, and there's another thing that hits home. Making someone unhappy because you did something . . . yet another road he's been down. Hank's tone is oddly understanding]

Because you think you deserve it, right? You did something wrong and now you expect - you deserve something to punish you for it.

[paraclete]

[Hank is so right that it's actually uncomfortable. Kaworu's never admitted to anything like this, except to things that weren't even sentient, shamed and secretive conversations with the only idle elements he could grow attached to. It's hard enough to even confirm this stuff to yourself. Having someone else spell it out for you isn't exactly pleasant.

His eyes cast downward. It sounds, too, like Hank is able to speak from experience. So perhaps there's a kinship here, but it's a humiliating kinship to acknowledge. Kaworu deserves the humiliation, though. He deserves punishment, and he deserves the humiliation, and he deserves to die from Lilin plagues.]

Everything has its consequences, [he mumbles.] Cause and effect. The world is meant to work that way. Forgive me; you came all this way and I...

[He cringes.]

I'm just tired.

[beathach]

If the world is meant to work that way, then why are there people who never experience it? [he asks it as though he's a teacher asking one of his pupils, gentle and curious. He can do more than just speak from experience; he can talk about what it does to a person, when you let it knock you down and keep you there, how it effects your every day, leaving one wishing for anything to distract from the terrible, bone-deep ache it causes.

He was still pulling his way back out of the dark place he let himself fall into, even now, months after he had some reconciliation, and weeks after the rest was finally talked about]

The world doesn't always play by the rules, I've found. It's unfair and unrelenting sometimes, especially in matters like this. Even when it gives you the punishment you want - it isn't enough.

[he gives Kaworu a wry half-smile] I won't ask specifics, but I will tell you it gets better. If there's a way to reconcile whatever happened, I'd suggest you do it. Otherwise . . . [he shrugs, the smile turning sheepish] Ten years will pass before you get the next opportunity, if it even comes along.

Don't apologize, though. Sometimes you need to get those things out.

[paraclete]

[Kaworu isn't often confronted with questions of fate: mostly, people either dismiss it or reinforce it. He was raised with the latter, and while he's discarded many of the teachings from his youth, some things stay with a person. He's definitely modified the meaning of destiny to suit his own needs, but... but... He frowns, more pensive than upset.] Every person is hurt, [he says,] somehow. Somehow...

[But Hank's right that it isn't enough. Kaworu has known those for whom skill outweighs sin, even when that sin deserves great retribution. Kaworu, on the other hand, has been trying very hard to be skillful, and still gets ruined by hairpin turns.

He can't imagine it getting better. He can't imagine anything good ever happening again, so long as Shinji is out of sight. This isn't like living underneath the stars — ten years, fourteen, Kaworu could do something like that. He's afraid of lifetimes. He's afraid of an ending he can't control. But surely, truly, Hank's efforts are kind, and...]

You're wise. It's more than I expected to hear from you... [He sniffs again, feeling pathetic when faced with someone who must be quite used to mortality.] You must speak with lots of people.

[beathach]

I wouldn't go that far.

[he's certainly spoken to a lot of people in the past few months, between here and another world, more than he has in the last ten years before that. It wasn't as easy as it once was, either; he's never been good with people, too awkward and too caught up in his career, then too caught up in his misery. Whatever social skills he has now, they're fairly new and still rusty.

But it's easier to speak from experience, and that's really all he has to offer. Experience and sympathy, when the world seems to be against you. It isn't as if he'll go into why he felt that way either - it's far too personal, and the story behind it too much to tell to just anyone yet - but that doesn't really matter in the long run anyway]

I've just - gone through something similar, that's all.