driftfleet | Don’t care if he’s guilty, don’t care if he’s not

Entry tags:

Don’t care if he’s guilty, don’t care if he’s not

Who: Adalwolfe Hawke and you
Broadcast: Yes
Action: Yes (Three Twins med bay)
When: Now

[Video]

[Some may know and some may not, but even with the little communications crisis going on right now, Adalwolfe is not on the ship he's assigned to. Currently, he's been haunting the medical bay of the Three Twins instead, which is what's vaguely in the background of the video as it winks into broadcast.]

Hey everyone, Hawke here. The male one, obviously.

[He takes an awkward breath, looking a little dark and strained around the eyes, mostly from lack of sleep.]

I know there are other things going on, and these comas are perhaps old hat to some of you especially with how frequently they've been going around right now, but is it... is it normal to age so quickly in one of these mysterious comas?

[He rolls his chair out of the way of the device he has sitting on the counter, giving a side view of Anders laying prone in one of the hospital style cots, eyes closed and Ser Pounce-a-lot the orange tabby curled on his chest with no intention of moving. Anders has grown far more gaunt than when he was up and around last week, and has more than his carefully groomed five-o-clock shadow in stubble about the chin. The beard would be worse if Adalwolfe hadn't taken the time to carefully shave his fellow mage, but he's not about to announce that on the network.]

I hope it is. Otherwise I'm worried he'll waste away like this.

[Adalwolfe rolls back into view, blocking all but the swishing of Ser Pounce's tail.]

Also, to the First Breath crew, I'm sorry I'm not there to take care of the device. I'll be back--

[A glance back at Anders and Hawke shakes his head.]

I'll be back when I'm back. Until then, help yourselves to the bread and things I have stored in the galley from the last planet as an apology. There should be enough to last weeks. Just leave enough of the frozen meat to last Ser Drools until the next planet.

[With an uncharacteristically grim expression, Hawke pauses, then decides he's said his piece until someone answers, and shuts off the feed rather abruptly.]

[Action]

After shutting off the feed, Hawke leans back in his chair, flopping his forearm over his eyes for a moment as if that will somehow block out his worry. He's not sure what he's more anxious over - the thought that Anders won't wake up by himself and he'll have to try and desperately wake him in a panic before he turns to nothing but a husk, or the thought that Anders will wake up with memories of his future, memories of Kirkwall, and Adalwolfe won't be in them. It's a distinct possibility, either way. They both remember Riona, which bodes well, but so does Leliana and yet Leliana doesn't know him at all, which puts him back to square one on what to expect.

Ser Drools whines from under the console at Hawke's feet, responding to his master's turmoil. Or responding to his own turmoil at not being able to get close to Anders' bed for the cat keeping stalwart vigil on Blondie's chest.

Hawke lowers his arm and leans down to pet his dog instead, trying to stop moping and fretting for Ser Drools' sake as much as his own. He's just resolving to do that when the door opens and Adalwolfe's attention spins to that, hand poised over his puppy to see who's come in and for what.

"If you need medical attention, I'm afraid the doctor is out just now."

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I'll call Jennifer, but he does look mostly like when I first met him in Kirkwall so he could just be aging as he remembers...

[Which... is also concerning...

He switches their video to a private and encrypted one.]

Riona, do you mind if I ask you something? It's... it's a little personal so I understand if you say no but I don't exactly have anyone else to ask.

['When I first met him in Kirkwall'. Her heart tightens at that. Leliana had all but hinted to her that Anders had been the one that caused the Chantry explosion in Kirkwall. Her one hope had been that Anders had never gone to Kirkwall, as he'd have stayed in Ferelden. But Hawke's words sink that bit of hope. And she begins to fear what she'll find out when Anders wakes up.

Her concern is set to the side at Hawke's request. A frown sets in place as she regards him.]

You may ask; you have the right. And I'll hear it. But, depending on the question, I may refuse to answer.

[He nods solemnly and then is silent for a long moment, staring past her into the camera. Words won't come right away, how to ask what he's terrified of knowing, half hoping she'll shut him down so he doesn't have to hear the answer.

But he has to ask. Like watching a disaster in slow motion, incapable of stopping it, he hears himself ask as if possessed, unconscious of the decision to actually make his voice work and unable to stop it.]

What-

[He wets his lips, looking down at the console instead, looking anywhere except her face for fear that she'll see the naked truth in his expression.]

What do I do if-

[Because she had Alistair, at least for a time. He doesn't say out loud that that's why, but she's literally the only person who he knows has been in this position and Maker knows she's unlikely to offer comfort, but at least she'll understand.

She has to at least understand.]

If he doesn't remember me?

[Riona frowns here, though not in anger, just in... confusion, she supposes. Clearly she's missing something here. Sure, having a friend not remember you isn't easy; she lucked out with Leliana, but she's seen it happen elsewhere. But there's more to it here than that, isn't there?

She leans forward, chin in her hands.]

It hurts when someone you know doesn't remember you, but friendships can be reforged here. I didn't remember Anders, but he still reached out to me. Even if I hadn't gone to sleep and came back with new memories from home, I imagine he and I would have become friends again in our own time here.

[She pauses.]

Assuming that this is just a friendship you're worried about. [Which she suspects he isn't.]

No. We're more than that.

[He draws his mouth in a line, then breathes in slowly.]

We fell in love in Kirkwall. We've been together for nearly a decade. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't remember all of that.

[It feels like a creaking door, saying it like that. He'd told Tyrion, but that was somehow different, removed because Tyrion's not from Thedas. Cole knows, but Cole is a spirit and Hawke didn't have to tell him. He just... knew. This is distinctly different, this is Hawke opening of himself to someone who he knows could use this against him if she so chose to do so, but who also knows exactly that pain. She must.]

It's been hard enough trying to manage what I remember of him with how he is here, so much younger and more fearful.

[Nailed it.]

I see. I am... sorry you are in this position.

[That complicates things considerably, in more ways than one. She wants to ask how they even met, what Anders was doing in Kirkwall to begin with, but refrains. This isn't the time for that. And quite frankly, she's not sure she wants to know the answer. Questions about the future always lead to more pain.]

What makes you believe I would be of any help, though?

[Really? She's not a stupid woman, how could she be? But maybe he's wrong. Maybe the grief over her husband is too much and she's blocked out that situation, or it's a warning that she doesn't want him bringing it up in earnest. Or perhaps she really is just missing that his situation could become similar to hers when Alistair was in the fleet.

He doesn't want to bring up the late Warden again, not to the detriment of whatever tumultuous truce they've finally been able to build between them.]

I had thought you were once in a similar situation. I'm sorry if I was mistaken.

[Benign enough that they can both back out of this without losing what they've managed to build but perhaps she'll throw him a bone.]

[And now suspicion sets in. She keeps her expression carefully blank, though there's a faint edge to her tone when she speaks.]

I was. What I'm wondering is how you knew that. Alistair left around the time that you arrived. If you spoke, I find it hard to believe he told you. And very few other people knew.

[All of whom she trusted would not say anything. It was a fact that she kept under lock and key, so to speak. How he got this information worried her. Not to mention made her on edge.]

It's a guess, my Lady.

[His tone implies backing off, and all due respect not just to a Queen and Commander, but to a woman who's lost something that he knows has immeasurable value. He very clearly doesn't mean to cause her more pain.]

Everyone here seems to be from different times and different versions of Thedas. You're the only other person who's even expressed a previous romantic tie, and I know Alistair was here. No one has been sharing your secrets with me or anything, I promise you, I just...

[He sighs and starts ticking off on his fingers.]

I know Anders cares for and respects you so I know you're trustworthy, Leliana I hardly know and I'm fairly certain her eyes can shoot actual literal daggers, Cole I don't know if he's ever been romantic as his mortal life has only been a few years long so far, and anyone who's actually here from Kirkwall I can't--

[Adalwolfe's lips press together in a thin, somewhat helpless line.]

I can't talk about this with them. None of them know Anders and I are...

[He trails off, letting her fill in the blank.]

Or at least that I am with my Anders. Which is the problem.

[He leans back, looking entirely lost and deflated. What used to work for him, his confident swagger and assured command of conversations, doesn't work here when he's a fish out of water. No one needs him here, not a single one of them, and it weighs on him more than he ever thought it would when he wished he could just be left to a quiet life in Hightown with no one beating down his door for his help. He'd wished for that life, once. Now he's certain it would drive him mad.]

If you don't want to talk about this, it's alright.

Quite a guess.

[Her hackles are still raised, so to speak. If this had been about almost anything else, she probably wouldn't be so hostile. But she kept her ties to Alistair closely guarded while in the fleet. It's something she's slowly letting go of, but she had told very few of it around the time of Adalwolfe's arrival. And it makes her very nervous that he knows, even if it was just a "guess".]

Honestly, I hardly know what to tell you. I struggled with him being here and reconciling my feelings. All I can say is, if he is not your Anders, you must learn how to separate your feelings from him.

[He's not sure what he wanted to hear. He knows that's not it, as logical as it is, but it still cuts him enough to lower his head. Adalwolfe threads his hands through his hair, pulling at the already harassed locks at their roots so it stings. Somehow that helps, a little. A physical pain to center away from the emotional one.]

How?

[It seems insurmountable.]

I honestly don't know. I never figured it out.

[Really not what he wants to hear, but she won't lie or try to make up something.]

The whole time he was here I struggled with it. Whatever happens, I hope you have better luck. If you figure it out, let me know.

[He doesn't move, face still hidden, though he leaves off tugging and just lets his hands rest there in his hair, a picture of anguish for a long moment.]

Alright.

[Finally, he sits up, letting out a long breath with his eyes closed, trying to center himself, trying to banish the sensation of his heart being constricted. There's something else, then, that he should have thought of sooner but he's glad he has before it's too late.]

I'll try, whatever that entails, but... do me a- no, not me, do him a favor. Even if he doesn't remember me, he does remember you. Take care of him. Please, just... do what you can to watch over him. He cares for you, he'll listen to you.

I already have been. He's my friend, Adalwolfe. And he serves under me as a Warden. Or he did, anyway. I watch out for my own.

[Whatever her feelings are towards Adalwolfe, she'll always have Anders' back.]

[He bites back a retort, the only evidence that he's not saying something being a slight tightening of his jaw. If she watched out for her own, then why had Anders been on the run from the Wardens in the first place? Why didn't she help him, instead of Anders finding his way to Kirkwall himself in an attempt to save his previous lover? Why had any of it happened at all? But he doesn't say any of that. It's unfair. Anders has a mind of his own, and Riona a kingdom to consider. He understands and he doesn't blame her, he just...

He wishes Anders had been more protected. Even if it means he never would have met him, that meant Anders was safe instead of what actually happened, Hawke would have preferred it.]

I just wanted to make sure. Thank you. I'm sorry I keep bringing up such unpleasant things.

[She notices it, and she almost asks. But she doesn't. Asking Adalwolfe about things never seems to end well, especially if they involved her future. If there is something to it, she will likely find out in time anyway.]

I think in the future, we just need to... talk about the future less. Frankly, I think I'm at my limit of what I want to know. [A pause.] That's not aimed just at you, either.

I'm sure it must be a difficult thing, like perpetually being kept out of the loop. I can imagine how frustrating that must be. There are things I'd like to know about the future too.

[Only as far as he's aware, he's one of the furthest along as far as the Thedosians go. Actually he doesn't know, he hasn't asked, but he gets the feeling Leliana would be cagey about it if she was from further. Cole though, maybe, but that may not matter either. Who knows what's different considering he's from a different version of Thedas. Which... is a good point to make.]

Even if someone could say, it still might not be my future though. Or yours. There could be comfort in that I think, even in as much as there's fear.

[A weird thing to say, he knows, picking at the console top. He's terrified that Anders is from a different future - a different present. There's no comfort to be found in that.]

Or not.

[He sighs, so very tired. He wants to just sleep but he can't even do that much. Ten minutes later he's awake again because he imagines he heard the other mage move or talk or get up. It's never the case, but it rouses him anyway.]

I'm sorry. I'll let you go. Have a good evening, Your- [He corrects himself, remembering her request.] Commander.

You think that, but trust me, sometimes you're better off not knowing. Especially here, where there's no power to do anything about it.

[She doesn't like advocating for ignorance, but sometimes it's necessary.]

Get some sleep, Adalwolfe. He'll nag you if you don't. [She offers a weak smile.] Good night. [She ends the feed there, hoping he'll do as she says.]

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Don’t care if he’s guilty, don’t care if he’s not

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