driftfleet | A Wild Mingle Appears

[ the first day after his late night near death experience with sascha, winn spends in his room, only leaving it when nature screams. the second day, he decides he's wallowed enough (wallowed - he kept up with all his work, including making sure things were being taken care of on the sascha front and studying the mysterious device. he just did it all within the confines of a space he feels relatively safe in), and he makes what now feels like a perilous journey to jim's room.

a lot has happened. he's filled his captain in and got his help installing the new security array but he hasn't yet had a chance to get what he really wanted - and that's his friend's comfort. he hasn't really had time for comfort, he only allowed himself to get any from kitty after a nightmare jerked him out of his frail pretense. he knocks softly on the door. ]

Jim it's Winn. Can I come in? [ he keeps his voice calm, but his anxiety is high. standing out in the corridor like that, he feels exposed, afraid. will that fear ever go away? it's hard to imagine. ]

_{[ Jim had left Winn his space. Considering that Kitty was practically stuck to him, he would just feel like an unwelcome intruder anyways. He had approved the increased security measures, which were a good idea regardless of Sascha's state or not.

Especially during travel between the planets he kept to his room and the gym mostly, or the kitchen late at night, but the downtime let him catch up on books and other readings, so he took it. He glanced up when he heard the knock at his door and Winn's voice, surprised, but not upset. ]}

Door's unlocked. Come in.

[ opening the door a crack, winn slips in and shuts it behind him, eyes darting across the room to make sure there are no surprises. of course there aren't, jim wouldn't just be casually hanging out if there was something to fight in his room, but fear isn't logical. ]

Sorry I uh, I'm interrupting. That any good?

[ he gestures to his book while rubbing the back of his head. he wants to talk, but just outright saying it is still weird and hard. ]

_{[ Kirk doesn't miss the way Winn's eyes dart around the room when they would have no real reason too. He knew that Sascha's attack, while not really Sascha's fault, had rattled Winn. But perhaps it was deeper than he thought. Kirk was used to being chased, to dangerous situations. It wasn't fair of him to expect Winn to shake it off quite so easily. ]}

No, not interrupting. I could use the break aways. I like history, but it can be a bit dry at times, no matter how good the writing.

_{[ He closed the book and turned to toss it onto his bed, having been sitting at the small table he was afforded in his slightly larger captain's room, at the same time reaching out and kicking his spare chair slightly in invitation for Winn to sit. ]}

[ that thought process right there is why winn needed to be by jim's side. kitty expects him to bounce back like a superhero, kara doesn't get it either. he's an it guy. a year ago, his life was normal and now...it's his fourth near death experience in as many months and it was by far the worst. he needs a little bit of slack. ]

History of what?

[ that's all the invitation winn requires. grabbing that chair, he sinks into it, with a small grateful smile. ]

Thanks.

It was an Earth history book. World War II, which seems pretty universal between the Earth worlds. Practically ancient from my point of view, but still interesting.

_{[ He gave him a wry little smile. He would offer him coffee or something, but that would mean leaving, and he wasn't up to singing love songs to the coffee maker right just then. ]}

How have you been?

_{[ It's said casually, like asking about the weather, but that was on purpose rather than out of callousness. It gave Winn an opening if he wanted to talk, or an out if he wanted to stick to neutral ground. Kirk wasn't going to push him hard, not just yet. It had only been a day or so, after all. ]}

That's depressing.

[ of course a terrible war is going to be the constant. why wouldn't it be? his signature optimism seems to be systematically bludgeoned to death.

he sighs at the question. this is it, his choice. he could just hang out with jim, enjoy the company of someone who makes him feel just a little bit safer (at the moment, nothing really makes him feel all the way safe), or he could do what he came here looking to do, and talk to someone who might actually understand him. ]

Bad. [ he finally speaks in that same casual tone, a sort of compromise. ] You?

_{[ Well, that was good a start as he could probably hope for from Winn as he had discovered over their last few conversations. He merely learned back in his chair and shrugged. ]}

Bored, mostly. The time between planets usually is, I find.

_{[ Blue eyes watched Winn. ]}

Would bad have anything to do with what happened with Sascha?

[ he shakes his head, huffing a small, humorless laugh. ]

I miss being bored.

[ it would be such a relief. it feels like he can barely catch his breath between hits; kara's powers, kitty's past, winter, coma, sascha, it won't stop, and it just keeps getting worse. ]

What makes you think that. [ dryly. he came to jim, but he still can't get over the instinctual lashing out. no, he considers nearly being eaten by one of his closest friends - who coincidentally earlier that same day tried to kiss his girlfriend who didn't tell him about it, and about how off sascha's been until after he was almost his dinner - a mere annoyance.

he rubs his face in utter defeat. it feels like the only thing keeping him together is some old worn out duct tape. ]

An educated guess.

_{[ He plays the sarcasm game as well as anyone, scooting his chair around a bit so he can reach out and lay a hand on Winn's shoulder gently. He gets that this is hard for him. He doesn't know about the things with Kitty or what might be happening with Kara's powers, but he does not about Sascha, Winn's coma, Winter's assault. Those things alone are enough to put Winn in his position, and Kirk doesn't envy him. ]}

Come on, are you really going to make me eek it out of you drop by drop?

You're gonna need a mop any other way and I'm not going out there.

[ if he doesn't go slow, he doesn't know what's going to happen, but he's guessing it'll be some kind of ugly explosion that he's not sure he'll be able to recover from. ]

_{[ The last bit made him arch a brow. ]}

Are you having a hard time walking the halls or something?

[ suddenly, his hands seem like the most fascinating things in the world, so he stares at them. ]

Feels too exposed.

[ which is silly, he has more room to maneuver then in a closed room, and the tourist is as secure as it can be against known threats, and it has kara and jim and kitty's been staying with him when she's not phasing supplies for sascha -- they'll all come instantly if he calls, he knows they will. and still, coming to jim's room is the furthest and longest he's been away from his room since he got done installing cameras in the cargo hold. ]

_{[ Kirk isn't quite sure he can relate, but then, he's spent the past several years on a ship. Even under attack, the halls are familiar and they aren't something he fears. There has never been a distinct, direct threat within the ship itself except for Khan, but even then he walked down those halls the next time he stepped in them without issue. Even after he died, after his ship nearly gave out from under him.

But he was not Winn and he doubted Winn had ever had his life so directly threatened. Not like this. And it wasn't like there were many places to run away to in space. At least, not right now. ]}

That bad, huh?

[ he nods, because what else can he say? yes, it's that bad. he's amazed it's not worse, actually. he bounced back from other life threatening experiences, but this one was different. it was the first time in his life he felt total despair.

he was sure he was going to die, and painfully, at the hands of a friends. ]

Do you want to tell me what happened? I know the skim version of the details, but not everything.

_{[ He touched his shoulder again, giving a brotherly squeeze. ]}

[ want to? no, but it's replaying in a loop in his head anyway, so he may as well recap it. ]

It was late. I headed over to the Iskaulit for a quick errand, and he just...out of nowhere, pinned me to the wall. [ he touches one of his wrists, both are still bruised and sore. ] He told me very calmly not to run, because he will hunt me if I do because I'm food. For a second, it felt like I was getting through to him, he backed off, just a little...but it passed, and he pinned me again. And he...[ he shudders, sucking in a breath. that's the part where things went really wrong. ] licked me. I freaked, he bit himself to buy me a second - that I used to push him off - [ he glances up at jim then, giving him a small humorless smile ] thanks for the lessons, by the way - and run like hell. We were just a couple feet from the lecture hall so I barricaded myself there and called kara. She grabbed him and took him away, and then Kitty came to get me.

[ by the end of it, his pacing is fast, he's eager to get this part of the conversation over with. ]

_{[ He listened quietly, letting him get it out in his own time. It wasn't hard to imagine how he felt. Kirk knew the feeling - of being up against the wall, against someone stronger than you, that you couldn't reason with, of feeling helpless and at a loss. Certainly he understood the blind terror of being hunted. ]}

I get it. It's hard when you face a life and death situation like that, especially when it comes from someone you trusted, even if it's not really their fault. It's hard when you don't feel in control of the situation.

But it's over now. It's okay. You're with friends in a safe place.

[ winn shakes his head. that's just it - there is no safe place, is there? ]

I was supposed to be with friends with Sascha. As long as the Atroma can get in our heads, there is no safe place.

[ a heartbroken smile comes next. ]

This isn't my first life and death situation. Hell, it's not even my first time being hunted - [ that t-rex wanted to make a snack out of him, too. ] but it's the first time I thought I was gone, [ sniffling ] for sure.

[ for the first time in his life, he had no hope. ]

Winn, you can't think like that. If you think like that you'll be looking at all of us as potential enemies, as threats. We can't live our lives here like that.

_{[ His hand slid up into Winn's dark hair, brotherly intimacy, drawing him close and bumping their foreheads together, as if that way he could better related his own confidence, his own surety, though admittedly it was a bit frayed around the edges these days. ]}

I know that feeling too. The feeling of being gone. I know how insanely scary it is. But you gotta push through it, because you aren't gone, Winn, you're here. You made it, right? Don't let it consume you.

[ but he does see them that way. if kitty's the next to malfunction, if it happens in the middle of the night, when they're in bed together...even kara won't be able to reach him fast enough. if kara's next, if he can't suck out her powers fast enough, they'll all be dead. he hates that he's thinking it, it makes him feel like a terrible human being that he has these thoughts - but it doesn't stop him from having them, either.

he closes his eyes, stopping the tears before they come. he's really needed this brotherly intimacy. ]

How? How do I push through this? What's the protocol for overcoming one of my best friends trying to kiss my girlfriend and eat me?

[ and how does he overcome this feeling of betrayal and the weirdness he feels at being able to forgive sascha for attacking him -- but not for trying to kiss kitty. ]

I won't deny that one of our friends could malfunction in the future. What's happened with Sascha and Winter prove that. However - just because something went wrong, something not their fault - are you doing to give up on them?

_{[ He shifted his grip, moving to the back of Winn's neck, the gesture firm, but not pain inducing, looking right into his eyes with a most serious expression. ]}

You didn't strike me as that sort of person, Winn. To let a possibility of something bad make you abandon those you care about. And if a malfunction happens - that is when they will need you the most. You push through because your friends need you, and you need them.

_{[ He let out a huff. ]}

The last part though, the kissing part - that I can't really help you with. I've never really done girlfriends or boyfriends.

[ that, he wasn't expecting. and it hurts. jim was the one person he thought would see his point of view, would understand him. but like with kitty, with cisco, it feels like any security he had is falling apart the moment he gets too close.

he reacts with anger, because he can't stand any more hurt. getting out of his chair, his voice progressively rises in volume. ]

Give up on him? I've spent my entire day defending him, making sure no one hurts him, defusing things before they had a chance to escalate. Heck, I called to apologize and thank him for not eating me - like some crazy idiot - and what I got for it is another slap in the face, finding out he tried to kiss Kitty. But I'm still researching some way to help him in case it isn't a malfunction, to sate his hunger so he doesn't have to stay in captivity cuz total betrayal and assault shouldn't equal a life sentence.

[ he huffs, not sure where the strength for the rant even came from, but it does feel good to let it out. he's been trying to hard not to judge and so far his efforts have been rewarded by his girlfriend accusing him of wanting to murder the person inhabiting sascha's body now (she apologized since, but it still hurts) and the man he loves as a brother being disappointed in him for expressing what to him was a genuine request for help. it's hurtful and frustrating that they're so quick to think so badly of him. ]

That's why I'm here right now trying to figure out how to deal, because I'm abandoning all my friends. Yeah, you're right, Kitty's right. Clearly I'm the villain here.

[ he walks past jim towards the door ]

Sorry for wasting your time, Captain.

_{[ Christ. He tries to help Winn, he does, but he feels like he has to walk on egg shells because of exactly this. If he doesn't say the right thing, Winn takes it as a personal attack and tries to storm off. He had even said he didn't think he was that sort of man, had just offered him words of advice on his own experience with these sorts of things.

He got up, reaching out to snag Winn's arm, eyes flashing. ]}

I didn't say you had given up on him - I even just said I didn't think you were that kind of man! I was giving you advice how to start trusting people and stop worrying about them going rogue or something.

Damn it, Winn, why does nearly every conversation turn into this? I give you the advice I know how to give, and you take it as a personal attack! I am not going to sit here and coddle you, Winn. I am going to give you advice and support, and sometimes it is not going to be exactly what you want to hear, but I wouldn't be a very good friend if I did that now would I? That won't help you.

And when did I say you were the villain, Winn? Tell me when? Because I certainly don't think that. I think you have every right to be upset by what happened, both the attack Sascha kissing Kitty. I don't blame you for the things you're feeling now, and I certainly don't expect you to just get over it.

But getting over this kind of thing is hard. Believe me, I know. So I'm going to give you some tough sounding advice, because it's what comes with tough situations.

_{[ He blew out a frustrated breath and let him go. Winn could stay or go, he couldn't make him, but he wasn't in the mood to apologize or coddle when he hadn't done anything wrong, not in his mind. ]}

[ he stays standing there quietly for a long moment. at first, still quietly seething, throwing angry accusations back at jim in his head.

but next comes the realization that - he's doing to jim exactly what kitty did to him, the exact same thing that still makes him feel unsafe in her arms, unsure of her love. yes, he felt it clearly on the planet, but it's already fading away, recent memory is the strongest, after all. ]

You didn't. [ he finally says. he's fighting with himself, because he's decided that he's done questioning himself, questioning his sanity, done being afraid that he'll turn into his father because he keeps proving that he won't and he's so tired of being afraid that he will, of interpreting everything like that.

but the conscious decision forgot to clue in his subconscious, who's still doing it. ]

I'm out of my mind.

[ is his quiet realization. not the way his dad was, he doesn't want to kill anyone. in his own quiet way, he drove himself crazy. he can't stop. ]

I'm not fighting with you - I'm fighting with me. [ he finally turns back to jim, eyes wide with realization - and fear. his throat feels dry all of a sudden, and his heart is beating really fast. ] I'm sorry, Jim. It's not fair that I keep making you knock sense into my head. I'm sorry.

[ he doesn't feel ready to face the hall. if something really is out there, this is the worst possible time for it to grab him, because it's like he's walking through a daydream.

he turns back to the door and opens it to leave all the same. he can't keep doing this to jim. it isn't fair. he can't keep coming here. ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject