driftfleet | 003. text + action.

Entry tags:

003. text + action.

[network.]

[Shinji isn't mincing words today:]

This is totally outrageous.

I got a ticket from the local police for going 'too fast,' even though it was only - only!!! - by an infinitesimal amount. Literally a couple zeroes after the decimal point right here. I'm not a great pilot, I'll just say that, but there's no way I should be getting ticketed for this freaking crap. [Freaking crap. That's how you know he's really annoyed.]

So the other pilots should be aware that these so-called police are more interested in filling quotas for speeding tickets instead of actually protecting people. Whatever.

[action, aboard various ships in the Fleet.]

[Shinji and his bad mood can be found on the Red Fish, standing outside Asuka's room; on the Vanquish, in search of Kaworu; and on the Heron, his home ship, where he's trying to nurse a bruised ego with the coffee maker in the kitchen.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I think you are a great pilot. But you can't expect something dim and empty like the law enforcement here to be able to recognize that.

:)

[Wow, that's some strong language.]

You don't like them either?

It isn't a matter of liking or not liking. They're just irrelevant devices. Its existence is for the sake of utility, but it can't even do its job correctly... How unfortunate.

I hope it didn't ruin your day... Were you having fun before that?

[Shinji can count on Kaworu to be a white knight, but this is a little much...]

Well, these irrelevant devices want my money to pay for the ticket. It sucks. I don't know if I was having fun or not, I was just trying to go to that Solrius place.

Perhaps we can go together, next time. If anything happens again, I'm sure I can help. It shouldn't be too difficult to disable something like that.

We'll get the ticket taken care of, too. It seems sometimes forgiveness must be bought.

[Tentatively, even in text:]

You can disable them?

[The collar was one thing, but a robotic police officer...?]

Oh, things like that... electronic things. Yeah, I can.

[He's almost that tentative himself when he states the obvious: ]

Or, an A.T. Field can.

[...]

I don't think you should mess with the police. They might have a way of countering the A.T. Field.

[And then he switches over to a private channel:]

Is it difficult?

[Well... this is no time to start being delicate, even if there's still an anxiety surrounding this. But that anxiety in fact makes Kaworu more intent on being clear with Shinji: he can't make the same mistake of hiding these things.

And, admittedly, it's a little exciting.]

It feels like walking. I don't remember when I learned to walk, and it's an action I don't have to put focus in to do. My legs are a part of me, and they are meant to be utilized. The A.T. Field is like that, too.

[Kaworu finds it a little exciting, while Shinji already regrets asking anything...]

Oh.

[...]

Does that mean I'm defective? Because I

I can't.

I don't know how.

[A failure of a human being and a failure of an Angel. Humiliating.]

I just don't know, Kaworu-kun.

[Part of Kaworu thinks, So perhaps I should have been more delicate after all, but on the other hand, gaining this knowledge will allow Shinji to progress, to grow, to—learn...]

It's because you haven't learned.

Of course you aren't defective, Shinji-kun. You just haven't learned. That's all.

[Maybe it would even help to say...]

I was taught that I had a specific role, and that role involved the Angels. You were taught that you had a different role. That role involved the properties of a human boy.

We learned different things in life.

[Texting makes it so much easier for Shinji to express himself. There's no chance in hell that he would say this out loud without fumbling over every odd word and giving up halfway through:]

I feel sick just thinking about all the stuff I don't know. It's another lifetime of stuff. It's too much.

Learning piano is nothing compared to this.

Learning piano was for the sake of our friendship. Learning these other things is for your own sake. It's just a matter of finding out about yourself, Shinji-kun. And,

[...]

You have the opportunity to do that, now, if it's something you want to pursue.

Does that mean you want to teach me?

[All of the sudden, he's crying and he can't seem to stop it. The last few weeks have been too stressful.]

It could be fun. Don't you think?

[The piano, and this, they're for different reasons... but they don't have to be entirely dissimilar.]

I don't know what to think. At all.

I barely know how to be a human boy.

But you are very good at being you. And that's all you have to be.

I know this isn't ideal for you. But you are not [...] alone. You aren't by yourself in being what you are.

[That's a familiar refrain... and it's one that never loses its effectiveness. There aren't too many people who think it's okay for Ikari Shinji to be Ikari Shinji.]

You won't hide anything from me? Even if it's a bad or scary

I want to know what I am.

["Anything", of course, refers to anything regarding these particular Angelic matters. Or, that's what Kaworu is telling himself. He's beyond stupid to even consider hiding anything else from Shinji, and he knows it; but there are still things he cannot imagine saying. So...]

As an Angel, I only know what it is to be me. Your experiences with this will be your own. But I want to help you with that experience. I will tell you anything I can, if you ask.

[Figuring out what to ask is the hardest part...

Unseen, he tries to wipe away his tears with his sleeve, and then he writes:]

If I'm an Angel, that means I have [...] a core. Right? And the only way I'll die is if that core is destroyed, right? So that's why the A.T. Field is important, to protect it, right?

The A.T. Field is important because it is an extension of your soul; it is the part of your soul that wants to keep you safe and alive. Yes, to protect it. To protect you.

The soul wants to stay inside the body. If the core is destroyed, the soul has no remaining tether to the body... That is death. So the A.T. Field does all it can to shield the core from harm.

And if your core is kept from harm, you will stay alive.

[TL;DR, yes, Shinji's correct.]

[Shinji absorbs all of that in a thoughtful silence.

And then he suddenly switches gears:]

Do you think the other Angels hated me for what I did?

[Because, yeah, he was a nauseating example of humanity, but at least he was trying to protect them as a son of humanity--or so he thought. In reality, he was slaughtering his own kind for the ultimately false promise of a better tomorrow. Fuck. Fuck.]

[It's not like before, in the ruins of NERV, where Kaworu had to ask, Do you want to know? This time he's already aware that Shinji wants honesty, and more than that, frankness. He's asking for Kaworu's opinion—]

I don't know if what they felt was hatred. Fear, for certain, and frustration; apprehension; loneliness. Confusion. But I don't know whether they hated you. Maybe they did. Maybe some of them did and some of them did not.

[—but Kaworu wants to leave him with a fact as well: ]

If they hated you, they hated me in the same way.

[In the time it takes to read those responses, Shinji's anxiety ratchets up to previous unknown levels--and then tapers off, all at once. Diffused like a bomb. Kaworu is guilty of many of the same atrocities that he is. Maybe that's why they belong together, sharing in each other's sins. Even an unforgivable sin would be bearable as long as Kaworu is with him.

...]

We were trying to do the right thing, weren't we?

We were trying to do the right thing, Shinji-kun. And I know you tried especially hard.

But we can try again, can't we? To do better, together, here and now.

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