003. text + action.

[astrobleme]

[network.]

[Shinji isn't mincing words today:]

This is totally outrageous.

I got a ticket from the local police for going 'too fast,' even though it was only - only!!! - by an infinitesimal amount. Literally a couple zeroes after the decimal point right here. I'm not a great pilot, I'll just say that, but there's no way I should be getting ticketed for this freaking crap. [Freaking crap. That's how you know he's really annoyed.]

So the other pilots should be aware that these so-called police are more interested in filling quotas for speeding tickets instead of actually protecting people. Whatever.


[action, aboard various ships in the Fleet.]

[Shinji and his bad mood can be found on the Red Fish, standing outside Asuka's room; on the Vanquish, in search of Kaworu; and on the Heron, his home ship, where he's trying to nurse a bruised ego with the coffee maker in the kitchen.]

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[interstices]

What?!

[There's a cold lump right in her stomach, her fingers shaking slightly. Those apologies, that blame... none of that should belong to Shinji ever again. Just half an hour ago, he'd been teasing her about soup and playing darts. And now...]

You stay right there! I'm coming!

[astrobleme]

I'm sorry, don't worry about it. I just wanted to know if you want to go to Solrius, we can do that instead. I'll put the coordinate sin and and that'll be that

[interstices]

Stupid! Don't be sorry! Don't you dare be sorry!

[This whole time, Shinji's slowly gotten better. Even after that crushing day when he'd asked for the sunglasses, even then... he's healed up. But this is too much like the boy she first met fourteen years ago, all weak and sad. And it's Coil's fault. All Coil's fault.]

I'll help you! Shinji, I'll get you!

[astrobleme]

[No reply. She doesn't want apologies, but that's all Ikari Shinji can offer to anyone.]

[interstices]

Answer me! Come on! Please!

[astrobleme]

[Oh, god. The anguish in her voice...]

I'll go back to my ship now. It's fine.

[interstices]

No.

Bring the shuttle back here. Then I'll go with you. We can do whatever you want.

[astrobleme]

But I'm not allowed ?

[interstices]

You don't need anybody's permission to come here! Anyone who says you do is full of shit!

[astrobleme]

I don't want to upset anybody

[interstices]

[He's not going to come back. He's not like her, insistent on going her own way, everyone else be damned. Any rejection's like a slice to his stomach.]

Then let me meet you on your ship!

[astrobleme]

If that's what you want

[Awhile later, when Asuka gets to the docking bay of the Heron, she won't have to search far and wide to find Shinji. He's just waiting inside his shuttle, down to the last of his nerves. The doors are open, at least, but he's sitting there with his heavy head in his hands. It looks like he's cradling one hell of a migraine... His sunglasses, they're askew and on the floor, near to one of his feet. (His eyes still haven't gone back to blue, no matter how much he wishes they would.)

Quietly, and utterly defeated:] I must have done something wrong, so it's, you know, whatever...

[interstices]

I know you better than that.

[Up and down, up and down. Shinji's more of a wreck than she is, deep down, maybe. She doesn't know. But it hurt seeing him like this. It hurts to think that anyone could dare chase him away. She steps forward, then bends over and picks up his sunglasses before sitting right next to him.]

I know you didn't do anything. Don't worry. It's not your fault.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji exhales shakily. Then he says,] I should have left when he started getting in my face... He was really ticked off over me waiting for you. If I'm not supposed to go to your ship, that's fine, I just didn't know. I can't--know something no one's told me. M'not a mind reader. [His voice has the strength and consistency of runny yolk by the end of that.]

[interstices]

You can go anywhere you want. I told you that. [She reaches over with her free hand to rest it on his thigh. Part of her is still almost afraid that touch is going to bring flashbacks and memories with it, as if they were still on that planet, but thankfully, of course, it doesn't. Still, like always, she knows the ghosts of everything else are still permeating him. Being unwanted. Being rejected. It burrows down deep right inside his skull.]

He was a bastard to you. He had no right. Got it? [Ticked off over Shinji waiting. That's... maybe that in itself isn't surprising, but the rest of Coil's reaction is. Hauling him off like that, throwing him off the ship like he was something bad, something contaminated-- Asuka's fingers rove and press on his thigh, vying to give him some kind of reassurance.] I'll let him know that. Don't you worry.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji feels like an out-and-out moron. For whatever reason, he trusted that things would be different with the Fleet--that people wouldn't hate him before they got to know him. Yeah, bullies and narcissists exist everywhere, but hardly anyone here has been rude or ill-mannered, much less threatening. He isn't afraid of Coil, though. He'd never be afraid of someone like that. He's just afraid of going back to the way his life used to be, when he clung to the fringes of society, of no use to anyone.

Even when his mood is this decrepit, Asuka's touch is comforting. He drops one hand and turns his head enough to look at her, wondering (and not for the first time) why she hasn't given up on him. His eyes are red, damp, and more than a little desperate.]

Don't, [he stresses, even though there's no fight left in him.] I don't want to cause more problems. A guy like that, I mean, he probably had a good reason for it... Maybe he thought I was--an invader, or--someone out to hurt you, I don't know. I sa... said I was waiting for you, but that didn't work... but that's what I said...

[interstices]

I will. You're not talking me out of it. [Her mouth is set, her face starting to get red, just picturing it. Shinji's been pushed around as long as she's known him. Longer than that. It's no wonder he curled up inside himself so.]

He was jealous. [Asuka used to be a lot less dim about putting things like that together, back when she was really fourteen and smug and sure that every pimply boy in their class was falling all over her. She's not used to being liked anymore, not in a crew of women and men. Even the come-ons from Mari were just flaky attempts at camaraderie, not intimations of actual interest. But of what she saw in Coil's mind, her in that yukata, how he'd acted just seeing her in it, and her and-- and his mother-- she gets it now.] But that's no reason to pull that shit on anyone. Especially you. [Her hand rubs little circles on his thigh. She's looking him in the face, those red eyes (like Kaworu's), sad and wet. She's tired of seeing him in pain, seeing him fragile. Just once, she wants him to feel good.]

Don't worry about anything, Shinji. Not anything.

[astrobleme]

Jealous? [Shinji repeats incredulously. He makes it sound like a dirty secret.] But I'm the last person... to be jealous of, right... [It doesn't take too long for him to realize what Asuka is getting at; his eyes widen, forcing more tears to fall. He can't say he's terribly surprised, though. Only a matter of time before someone in the Fleet decided to pursue Asuka, or Kaworu. So apparently this asshole from her ship has a thing for her and tried to take it out on him...

That doesn't make Shinji feel any better. Maybe this particular asshole is more deserving than he is, justifying the rude and hurtful treatment. Maybe, maybe... He looks down at Asuka's hand on his thigh, where it's straying too close to the line between comfort and intimacy. Don't worry about anything, Shinji. Not anything. That's what she's telling him. She shouldn't be coddling him, but that's what he wants most. He wants someone to tell him that everything will be okay and he doesn't have to do anything. Just being himself is enough of a chore. But Asuka apparently likes him that way--flaws, foibles, and all. As long as she likes him, maybe things aren't that bad.

They haven't touched like this in a few weeks now. Not since that night he spent crying on her shoulder about his true identity.

Slowly, like dawn spreading on the ocean they'll never see again, he leans in close enough to kiss her. Because he can. Because he wants to, really. (Because that asshole has no claim over her.) It isn't an earth-shattering kiss, but it's perfectly genuine.]

[interstices]

[Shinji's lack of self-esteem usually appalls and disgusts her, because it's a mirror of her own. Right now, it doesn't. Right now she's glad they're long off that planet, because the way she feels about him is unreal. Always tearing people down, herself most of all, she's never wanted to lift anyone up but Shinji. And, awfully, it's only been just lately that she's realized that.]

[She's about to respond when his mouth meets hers. It's warm and reassuring and it makes her feel almost whole. Like together, everything would be all right. Asuka doesn't believe in that sort of stuff, but as long as Shinji's with her, as long as Shinji's hers, she wants to. God, does she want to. She kisses him back harder, maybe even a little desperately, pulling back after only a few seconds as if they did need to breathe.] I'd be jealous, [and she starts to almost-grin in a fragile sort of way, summoning up some old bravado like a broken bottle of wine,] I'm the best-looking girl here.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji's horrible red eyes fall shut after that kiss. Every time, literally, he's surprised with how something so small can mean so much to him. He'll never take a kiss for granted. Never in a million years... His tears trickle down to nothing. He's warm, somehow cramped with warmth, somewhere in the center of his chest. He's thankful for Asuka's undeserved patience.

His hand overlaps her own, fingers curling in, delicate like fronds on a fern.] Mmm... [And his eyes open again, but only halfway. They're more like rose petals now. A flowery forest clearing.] I guess you're not wrong, [he says quietly, shyly. Asuka is a beautiful girl. Asuka has always lingered at the back of his mind: the color of her hair, the sound of her voice. There's no escaping someone like her. She left footprints in the podzol of his heart.]

Does that mean... you choose me?

[A stupid question, he knows. But he has to be sure.]

[interstices]

[He's stopped crying. That's worth everything in this world. She doesn't mind confirming for him-- he should know already, but she doesn't mind at all. It's the kind of reassurance she needs sometimes, too, but almost always refuses.]

Yeah. I chose you a long time ago.

[His hand feels like it's meant to be against hers, like they fit together. It's always been that way, even when she was at her worst, most acrid. She only hesitates slightly before adding in an unasked for confession.] When we were kids. That's when I decided I wanted you.