driftfleet | (no subject)

I don't know.

[ all he's got is the truth, but kitty usually wants it so he gives it to her. maybe knowing she's not alone in feeling this way will somehow help. ]

I don't know. [ he repeats it. ] It shouldn't be. But all we can control is what we make of it.

[She nuzzles in against his neck. It's still an act of affection, but not so playful or full of desire this time when she does it. It's just about connection and intimacy.]

I didn't want Apocalypse for them. [Any of them. Any other worlds.]

I know.

[ who would? it was bad enough he existed in kitty's world, they would all live happier life if he restricted himself to just that one. the thought of parallels of him existing is horrifying. the thought that maybe one day kara would have to face him to save national city -

no, going down that road isn't going to help kitty, or him, or anyone. he's here for kitty right now and whatever he's feeling, he swallows down. ]

But they're alive. They made it.

They made it. [Just repeating the words for comfort's sake as she stays close to him.]

I love you. [Always worth saying when thinking about mortality.]

I love you too.

[ he can't hold her any tighter, so he rests his head against hers, wishing - not for the first time - he were a bigger man, so he could just wrap himself all around her, as if that would somehow make her feel safe. ]

[From her perspective he holds her perfectly.] Can we stay here for a few days? [Maybe she'll wake up tomorrow and feel like that was too much to ask. But right now she just wants the thought of being "home" for a little while.]

We can stay here as long as you want.

[ not just as long as she needs - if sleeping on the windrose will make her happy, he'll do it. she stayed on the tourist for him. even though he hardly feels ready for this - he just got jim back, and meeting up with kara in the middle of the night has been a comfort he hates to lose - he'll do anything to make her feel even just a little less alone. ]

[She kisses whatever skin is closest before shifting enough so she can properly kiss his cheek.]

At my birthday I showed him pictures of my parents. The ones that were killed by Apocalypse's soldiers. I was so proud to be able to show him... [This time the tears come instead of the anger.]

[ he really isn't a violent man, but the urge to punch him in the face is definitely there now.

he hates how helpless he feels, knowing there's really nothing he can say or do to make this better. ]

What he did - ten years and no memories of you later - doesn't erase who he was here. [ he knows how painful betrayal is. he could never forgive his father, not in a million years. but not in a million years will he be able to forget how much fun they had together before, either. that winslow schott sr. existed too, and maybe it's trying to pretend he didn't that has rendered him incapable of moving on. ]

He can't take that memory away from you. No one can.

[Please don't try to punch Erik. She likes you in tact. And he's wrong. He is making it better. Just being with her. Loving. Honest. Winn. He makes it better.]

You're right. [He usually is.]

It's bound to happen every once in a while.

[ he kisses her forehead again and smiles a little bit. it's easier to be right when he does have experience with this sort of pain. ]

It's okay to be torn up about it. It's just you and me here - you can let it out. [ crying sucks, but it's ultimately helpful. ]

Before the comas... I was telling Xavier how out of control crying can makes me feel. [Not that it's bad necessarily. Just sharing that with him.]

Edited 2016-09-10 19:18 (UTC)

I don't like doing it either.

[ it's why he fights it every time it comes, why he only ever let her see it when he had no other choice. it's ripping off his mask, it's being vulnerable and admitting that he's not okay. it's asking for comfort he doesn't feel comfortable asking for. ]

But it feels better, after. Sometimes, you have to lose control to regain it. You don't have to be in control with me. [ he strokes her cheek gently with his thumb. ] That's part of the love package.

[Listen to him being right again. She smiles weakly and then then cries harder, not because he gave permission so much as because she realizes it's true. [She holds him tighter and then just relaxes and lets it out. Trusting him with her vulnerability.]

[ he's on a roll here.

it's hard, seeing her like this, downright heartbreaking, but he knows it's also good. it's healthy. so he holds her steadily, rubbing her back, and lets her cry as long as she needs. ]

[She does just that until she goes quiet and her breathing evens out, asleep in his arms. Safe. Loved.]

[ he keeps holding her, and only gently shifts so they could lie down more comfortably and pull the blanket over them - trying his hardest not to wake her up.

he wants to cry himself, at how painful it is to see her suffering like that. instead, he just watches over her, listens to the sound of her breathing, and thinks. he thinks about kitty's world, about hank's - about erik, and what could have possibly driven him to this, what could he have possibly done to redeem himself in his friends' minds, and would it be enough for kitty, when she's already been betrayed so much in her short life?

he thinks for a long time, until sleep finally claims him too. it's a very light sort of sleep, disrupted every time she so much as shifts in his arms. ]