driftfleet | (no subject)

Yes. [So much for walking away. But somehow something as small as lying about that felt like too much. He served Apocalypse and she couldn't even tell him they hadn't met. It feels ridiculous.] I'm not really myself today.

[Not really themselves? Erik's brow furrows and he pays more attention, tries to tally what's familiar and what's not. And it's only the fact that years ago he had experienced this same issue in reverse that makes it click. Kitty.

His grip tightens slightly on the book and something a little rigid overtakes his expression. He manages not to step back, even though he wants to. If he had known from the start, he wouldn't have answered. Would have moved off immediately. As it is, he doesn't know what to say in response.]

That looks like recognition. [She ducks her head.]

I heard Kurt hit you. [Her voice—while not her own—sounds mostly neutral. No gloating and no sympathy.]

[After a protracted moment, Erik turns back to the shelves, returning the book to its place.]

What about it?

[She's quiet a moment because there's really nothing to say about it. There's no conversation there. She doesn't need to apologize on behalf of Kurt. She's not his keeper. It was just a punch. There's nothing she needs to know. She just didn't know what to say to him. She wasn't ready for this.

Was she ever going to be ready for this?]

I don't know. Nothing.

Edited 2016-09-24 18:42 (UTC)

[Erik lets his hand linger on the spine of the book, not willing to look anywhere else yet. He hadn't thought about what he would do if he ran into Kitty or Kurt again. 'When' he did, which he really should have expected. It's a small Fleet, and the number of mutants smaller still. Even so, he had approached it as a one-and-done conversation. He'd given them no reasons to speak to him again.]

I'm fine with it. [He taps his finger on the book, an agitated movement.] It's only a punch.

[She almost says that Charles didn't think so, but Erik can't speak for Charles anymore than she could speak for Kurt when he threw it at her.]

Yeah. [She didn't think he'd be carrying a grudge about it and she finds she's also relieved he's not for some reason. Could be she still cares what he thinks. Of course she does.]

This is awkward. [Just saying the thing she's thinking. And she knows it would be awkward if she was in he regular body too, but she's sure this makes it worse somehow. Just an extra layer of feeling vulnerable.]

[It certainly is. For so many reasons. Erik shuts his eyes and lets out a breath. There are any number of things he could say, ranging from "I'll go" to "What were you expecting?" Things have ... settled, somewhat, since his first turbulent days back in the Fleet. Hindsight has whispered to him that maybe he shouldn't have launched straight into his confession to Kitty and Kurt so soon after arriving. He knows, though, that he would never have let them be oblivious to this. No matter how much better it might have been.

Finally he looks at her, familiar yet not in that male body. He goes with the truth, as he usually does.]

I can't make it less so.

I know.

[Stay. Go. Speak. Why are choices hard?]

How... How have you been?

[Good question. He thinks he's better than he was. That doesn't speak to how well he is, because he knows he's not well. There's an underlying sense that he isn't.]

All right. [There's a lot more he could say, but he won't.]

...Good. Good. [It felt stronger the second time.]

How long had it been since he died before you were all back?

About... two months. [That was how long it had taken to return, to rebuild the mansion, for the school to get back into some semblance of normality. For Erik to leave once again.]

What did you do in those months? [Wondering how that time defined him. If he could have been working with sick orphans all the better really. Something to hold on to and make this easier.]

[He looks over at Kitty finally, wondering at the line of inquiry.]

I helped rebuild the mansion - the school. It had been destroyed.

[Does she get any points for not asking if he helped destroy it in the first place.]

Good. Were you going to stay after it was repaired?

[That honour goes to Alex Summers in a fit of bad timing. He falls silent at the question, looking away again. There's so much more to the answer than he's comfortable giving.]

No... I left.

...You shouldn't be alone.

[He has to wonder. So often he's thought the opposite, that being alone would at least spare other people the collateral damage of being around him. It's a feeling he tries to quash, because he knows at heart that he's not alone. Raven and Charles had shown him that, though it took him a while to see. In another way... he already was alone. And that was one of the reasons he had left the school.

He looks at Kitty out of the corner of his eye, and his reply is quiet but unyielding.]

There were things I needed to do on my own.

They wanted you to stay. [They didn't say that to her, but the way they are all on the same ship now feels like it's true. The way they defend him to her says they're protective and forgiving. More so than she's ready to be so she uses what she thinks is their voice instead of her own.

Besides, he was alone when he chose Apocalypse, right? It just makes good strategic sense.]

[His jaw tightens slightly, and he can feel nerves skitter along his skin. What she's saying is the truth. "I don't suppose I can convince you to stay?" Charles had said, eyes too bright, but Erik's decision had already been made. To go back to Poland one more time, to get the space he needed (wanted?) to sort himself out. He hadn't asked any of them if they wanted him to stay. None of them had outright said it. It wasn't the way things were between any of them (not anymore).]

It's like I said. And leaving doesn't mean I can't return. [That last is almost too personal, for how things stand between them, but it's not some great secret. He had already come back twice, when it had always seemed he'd never go back.]

No, it just makes it harder.

But you're here now. [And leaving isn't an option. Hiding is about as close as it comes. The place is too small. Too easy to bump into people. You can't really be gone here. Space isn't the place for needing your space.

It seems cruel though. You're practically forced to work out your issues here and then what? Just to be sent home and have all that erased, compounding your memories with choices you might have never made if you could have been the person you became here? Only to get forced to go through it again?]

Edited 2016-10-03 13:00 (UTC)

[Hiding is essentially what he's done, for the majority of time he's been back. It was preferable to facing the questions, the people who would never understand what they had gone through.

As for it making things harder... he could nearly laugh. The last time his life had seemed easy, it imploded on him, proving there's no such thing. So his reply is a little flat.]

Yes. I'm here now. That's how things are.

They care about you even after everything. [It's easier to talk about their feelings than to sort out the conflicted mass of her own feelings.]

Do you honestly think I don't know that? After everything that happened?

[There's more bite in his voice now, some steel creeping back into it. She's meant to hate him. Now she's saying these things instead, and he's not prepared to handle it. He had already returned the book to the shelf, but now he slams his palm into it abruptly, shoving it all the way in.]

Turning on En Sabah Nur wasn't an act I could have done on my own. [He turns away with a jerk, and starts walking off lest his temper get the better of him.]

[She fights the impulse to flinch at his reaction and doesn't try to call him back or follow. Just mumbling under her breath.] That's why I don't want you to leave them. [She abandons the plan to stock up on books and heads out.]