ii - action/video - open

[survivalistcookbook]

Who: Eugene Woods
Broadcast: Video
Action: the Wonderduck
When: Tuesday Evening

[Eugene has been on a ship full of teenagers long enough - it's time he delivered on the promises to actually feed them adequately. Which is why he's now broadcasting from the galley, flour-speckled and far, far too pleased with himself. So pleased, in fact, that he'll just go ahead an monologue at the rest of the fleet.]

Some of you out there may have heard a saying, that there's no such thing as bad pizza. Now maybe you haven't heard this - say, for instance, if you come from a world that doesn't actually have pizza. But if you do, this is probably a pretty common truism. Whether you agree with it or not-? Well. That's a matter of taste.

[Pun fully intended, as the little curl of his lips and glint of his eye gives away. But he continues, because in space, there's no one to cue a laugh track.]

But in a hermetically-sealed tin can drifting through the cold vacuum of space, I think we can all agree that standards change. And in celebration of finally creating something that sort of, basically behaves like cheese . . .

[Camera pan to the oven, which he opens with a showman's flourish to reveal . . . a pizza! Basically. Sure, the cheese is a little more yellowish than usual, and the toppings are mostly diced canned meat product and mixed vegetable compound. But it's close enough for him to grin as he shuffles a hand into an oven mitt and withdraws his creation to rest on the stovetop.]

Voila. One down, and another five pies' worth of dough and cheese ready for the crews of the Wonderduck and Vanquish. Not exactly a New York slice, but hey, if anyone wants the next best thing this side of Alpha Centauri? Let's talk.

Comments

[survivalistcookbook]

Yeah, I get it.

[Say no more - Eugene already has a knife that he's rolling through the pizza with quick, careful movements, trying not to disturb the still-hot toppings too much.]

There's a lot of stuff that you can scrape together if all you need to do is survive. But having something you actually want to eat? That's a whole other animal.

[He carefully gets a slice onto a plate and hands it over.]

Don't burn your mouth. I just took it out.

[frigidaire]

[ He almost retorts that he heals quickly, so eating hot pizza wouldn't be that big of a deal. But he takes the plate, and waits like he should. ]

It even looks like a real pizza. And I've seen some weird, space pizzas in our travels. Trust me, this is great.

[ He picks up the slice and blows on it a few times before he finally takes a bite. It's definitely hot, but he hums in approval. ] That is so good, dude. [ Sorry, talking with his mouth full. He's just gonna keep shoving pizza into his mouth. ]

[survivalistcookbook]

Yeah, Dave told me some of the True Tales of Intergalactic Food Horror.

[Which were nice in knowing just how low of a bar he's clearing, but otherwise pretty depressing. Sustainable long-term manned spaceflight, but they couldn't make pizza?

Which, speaking of stuff Dave's told me . . . the whole werewolf thing. [There is no chill way to address this, but by god, he is trying.] I, uh. Never figured out how to ask if that has any dietary needs or limitations I should be addressing, which is completely my bad. So. Sorry about that.

[The best he's managed is a lot of meals with completely optional chocolate components, which . . . Doesn't seem like it should be a thing? But better safe than sorry.]

[frigidaire]

Bird Dave told you that?

[ Of course his bff betrayed him, the ultimate brotrayal. Except that Isaac doesn't mind who knows out here in space. There are definitely weirder creatures on board. ]

I mean, food sounds like a dietary need. So, pretty sure you're fine. Just a normal teenager who turns into a werewolf sometimes, it's not a big deal.

[ Isaac shrugs, taking another bite of pizza. ] I mean, I can eat a lot of food, but I think anyone can, so.

[survivalistcookbook]

Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that there aren't allergies or anything. And we don't need to stock up on meat planetside. But if we don't, hey. That keeps my job easy.

[Leaving right there that he's trusting a teenaged guy about his own dietary needs. He's not a werewolfologist, and besides, with the amount of flavored protein they get this is basically the Atkins fleet.

Any topping requests, then?

[frigidaire]

Nah, I mean unless you're gonna try to take all the good stuff out of food and make it healthy or whatever. Can you even make healthy food in space, because it's all freeze dried and powdered and preserved.

[ Isaac wrinkles his nose in thought, then shrugs like it hasn't bothered him one bit. ]

I mean, what're my options for toppings? 'Cause I'll say just about anything right now. This actually tastes like real pizza.

[survivalistcookbook]

Toppings are more or less restricted to canned meat, re-hydrated dried fish and vegetables, and any of the flavors that we have on the protein dispenser.

[Said with a gentle pat to the device in question.]

Pretty sure none of us are seeing real produce in any quantity any time soon.

[frigidaire]

Not any produce we'll recognize I guess. There's some decent stuff on some of the planets, but I couldn't tell you what half of it is called. I buy things sometimes and just kind of... hope it's gonna taste like normal food.

[ No, really, Isaac has stumbled into some real monstrosities in his travels. Eat first, think later. ]