ii - action/video - open

[survivalistcookbook]

Who: Eugene Woods
Broadcast: Video
Action: the Wonderduck
When: Tuesday Evening

[Eugene has been on a ship full of teenagers long enough - it's time he delivered on the promises to actually feed them adequately. Which is why he's now broadcasting from the galley, flour-speckled and far, far too pleased with himself. So pleased, in fact, that he'll just go ahead an monologue at the rest of the fleet.]

Some of you out there may have heard a saying, that there's no such thing as bad pizza. Now maybe you haven't heard this - say, for instance, if you come from a world that doesn't actually have pizza. But if you do, this is probably a pretty common truism. Whether you agree with it or not-? Well. That's a matter of taste.

[Pun fully intended, as the little curl of his lips and glint of his eye gives away. But he continues, because in space, there's no one to cue a laugh track.]

But in a hermetically-sealed tin can drifting through the cold vacuum of space, I think we can all agree that standards change. And in celebration of finally creating something that sort of, basically behaves like cheese . . .

[Camera pan to the oven, which he opens with a showman's flourish to reveal . . . a pizza! Basically. Sure, the cheese is a little more yellowish than usual, and the toppings are mostly diced canned meat product and mixed vegetable compound. But it's close enough for him to grin as he shuffles a hand into an oven mitt and withdraws his creation to rest on the stovetop.]

Voila. One down, and another five pies' worth of dough and cheese ready for the crews of the Wonderduck and Vanquish. Not exactly a New York slice, but hey, if anyone wants the next best thing this side of Alpha Centauri? Let's talk.

Comments

[Video]

[helladoomed]

...How close to cheese are we talking here, man?

[Clearly the important question.]

[Video]

[survivalistcookbook]

On a scale of 'fresh mozzarella' to 'Kraft Dinner'? It's . . . . yeah. Somewhere in the neighbourhood of Velveeta. But I'm actually kind of excited to try it in a grilled cheese.

[Video]

[helladoomed]

So, totally fake but maybe delicious?

[Video]

[survivalistcookbook]

Totally fake, and delicious as long as you can get past the total lack of anything resembling a tomato around here.

[feathery]

holy shit

[WHAT ASTUTE COMMENTARY. For real, though, he's gonna barge into the kitchen because he wants to see this with his own two eyes. Incoming birdsprite in 3...2...1...]

It even smells like pizza.

[It's a fucking miracle???]

[survivalistcookbook]

I know! I'm amazed you're the first in here.

[He already has a knife, and is waiting for the pizza to cool enough to slice. Which, honestly, is sort of torture.]

So are you gonna take your due as captain, here?

[feathery]

Uhhh, sure. If we can change that from my due as captain to my due as the asshole who showed up and yelled "first". Sounds more in character for me.

[He leans over to get his first in-person eyeful of a Semi-Proper Space Pizza™.]

Dude, this looks leagues better than the buggy shit I saw a few pitstops back.

Video

[pain_train]

Eugene, we're friends and I love pizza. You know.

Video

[survivalistcookbook]

Hey, I have no idea what pizza even looks like in your weird spacefuture. I just didn't want to get your hopes up.

[This man is the picture of considerate innocence. Really.

Video

[pain_train]

It looks like pizza, I promise. It's like round and stuff and there's a crust.

video;

[willynilly]

[Ooh, pizza! That's quite the rarity.]

It looks tasty! I'd love to try some, or at least get the recipe...!

video;

[survivalistcookbook]

Oh, hey. Well, you're welcome to stop by the Wonderduck for a sample if you can get over here. Which you're going to need to do anyway if you want to make this yourself, seeing as I've got the secret ingredient right here.

[He leans out of the camera for a moment, then comes back with a large glass jar half-full of something opaque and whitish-colored. He pats the cap with all the pride of a collector showing off a favored acquisition.]

Have you ever made bread from scratch?

video;

[willynilly]

Oh, um. Definitely never done that. What is it?

[Why is it growing in a jar.]

video

[interstices]

How long did it take you to make that?

video

[survivalistcookbook]

How long in terms of prep and cooking time? Or how long in terms of research and development?

video

[interstices]

That took research?

video;

[stefanged]

Man, just when I thought you couldn't impress me even more...

[Stefan shakes his head fondly.]

I'm not asking for a slice or anything, but I think you're onto something with that cheese.

video;

[survivalistcookbook]

Sure you don't want some? [He's not even going to ask for trade on this one. Stefan is a buddy, and buddies always get pizza.] I mean, okay, I'm pretty sure that the tinned meat is not halal, but one of these is going to be a half-veg curry and I'm actually pretty excited about that one.

video;

[stefanged]

Very sure. I can wait for that half-veg, and besides - I don't need an excuse to come down and see how you're doing.

[He grins.] But if you'll teach me your cheesy ways, I can trade you some quality Jell-O.

video;

[arfvader]

Any chance you're offering cooking lessons or putting out some kind of Martha Stewart magazine to help the masses? Because everything I've tried to cook so far has been rubbish.

[Ravi's pretty sure his crewmates are going to throw him off the ship at this rate. Why couldn't he have just been assigned that lab augment?]

video;

[survivalistcookbook]

Oh, man. I used to write for the weekend magazine. Putting out glossy lifestyle pieces would feel way too much like work.

[He shuffles his device into position atop the toaster oven, where he can keep an eye on it while he kneads dough.]

I can show you some stuff, though, sure. The dispenser protein has got to be tricky if you don't have the augment.

video;

[arfvader]

Yeah, so apparently having the letters "MD" after my name qualified me as the perfect candidate for receiving the cooking augment. Who knew?

[His tone is light though, like he's mostly having a laugh at his own expense.]

action;

[frigidaire]

[ Isaac could hear someone in the galley, but that's not particularly unusual. What is unusual, however, are the smells that come from it. It smells like real food, not over processed or burned space paste, but real, decent food.

He happens to come in right at Eugene's big reveal, and he just stands in the doorway, a little dumbfounded. ]

... is that a pizza? How'd you do that?

action;

[survivalistcookbook]

[Eugene's just clicking off his device when Isaac comes in, and he glances over at him with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk, tugging the oven gloves off.]

Was that a rhetorical question? Or do you actually want to know how the sausage gets made.

action;

[frigidaire]

No. All I need to know is if it actually tastes like sausage. It smells like it.

[ And it's making his teenage werewolf senses go into overdrive. ] I mean, I kind of believed you when you said you could cook, but that smells amazing.