driftfleet | [muffled spooky scary skeletons playing in the distance]

I wouldn't really expect anyone to be in a great mood when they're hospitalized. [Like Sorey's going to lecture Allen for his tone when he nearly burned the guy's legs off.]

Well, no...that's true. I like being in clinics much more when I'm not the patient.

Still, I know I was pretty harsh.

[Sorey shrugs a shoulder.] Because it was something you felt strongly about. It's all right.

It sure sounded like something you'd had to yell about before, though.

Ha... [He rubs his neck] Actually when I was much younger, people would yell at me about it sometimes.

[He glances away again at the view.]

But I've done this a long time. Almost 10 years since I became an Exorcist, 14 since I first started training...I've seen a lot of things, and worked with a lot of people. People who try to take everything on by themselves ... well, it doesn't work for very long.

[Sorey isn't the first Allen's seen Fall. Mikleo's not the first friend he's had to mourn. Not by a long shot. ]

[He'll shoot a look back at him. It's a irritated brat expression, but it doesn't have nearly half the bite he had back in the clinic]

Besides, if I wanted people to feel bad about my past, I'd act like a broody stick-in-the-mud.

[Holds up his hands. Nobody said anything about feeling bad for you, man.]

...so is that why you try to take so much on yourself? To stop other people from doing it?

[....Seriously?]

No.

[what yeah of course seriously, this is a serious talk] What, no you don't? Or no that's not why?

[He sighs and he relaxes his shoulders]

I do a lot because I don't view any of it as a burden. I love doing what I do. Being an Exorcist, running the clinic, being Sokka's first mate, helping people...I love it all.

It's not always easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I see.

[Sorey sighs and looks out over the forests again.] ...thanks. I think I understand you a little better now.

Mm, sure.

What about you? Why do you do it?

At first it was just to save the people right in front of me. [Sorey starts swinging his feet again.] I had a way to save them, so I took it. And after that, the room just kept getting bigger. And the rules and reasons got...complicated.

[Sorey tilts his head into the breeze that washes over them.] Did you ever think about quitting, before?

[He listens, turning to look at him as he speaks. Yeah...he could see that happening. Jumping in to help with a small situation, and then it just escalating from there. That hadn't been what happened for him, but he's seen it happen for other people...it wasn't easy.

At the question, he pauses]

...Once, I did.

Can I ask you about it? [Training for fourteen years, a professional for ten...Allen's situation couldn't possibly be more different from Sorey's own. If there was something that made him think about quitting, it must've been big.]

[There's a long pause before he finally speaks.]

It happened when I was about twenty. I was at that castle, and there were these two...well, Fallen Shepherd-types, if you will, that came to the nearby town. They fell long before I ever met them, and had grown so corrupted there was absolutely nothing left of their former selves.

I didn't have enough power to stop them on my own, they were too strong. So I spent a long time trying to find any way to stop them. Learned new skills, gathered allies- I must've pleaded a dozen times to the peace keeping group for aid. And while I did that...they slaughtered townspeople, tortured people including some of my family and me, killed a younger Exorcist...

[...He swallows.]

...When it was my boyfriend's body that turned up, I became desperate to stop them. It stopped being an Exorcist duty and just became personal. I didn't just want to stop them, I wanted revenge. So, I went against my ethics. I agreed to use some very dark magic that'd give me an upper hand. A magical item that caused uncontrollable amounts of pain to its victims. You could argue that I had no other way, but the truth was I didn't care. I wanted them to feel pain, for all the pain they made me feel.

And it worked. Perfectly. We were finally able to stop them. Everyone was so relived. No one questioned my methods, not even once. I did what so many thought would be impossible, it didn't matter how. It was over.

[There's a pause, then he shakes his head]

But when my rage finally passed, I felt...so sick at myself. Sick at what I let myself become. For a long time, I didn't want to continue. Not if it meant I could become like that again.

Edited 2016-10-12 06:26 (UTC)

Back home...that sort of thing would absurdly turn someone into a hellion. [Sorey watches Timcanpy's wings fluttering lazily in the breeze, long tail fwap-fwaping against the grass.]

I can see why you'd want to quit, after something like that. What made you decide to stay?

Mm... [That doesn't surprise him, after seeing what happened last month.] Very fortunate for me, it takes something different for an Exorcist to Fall.

[It was possible, but it was very rare. And even when Allen was so low he was doing things he wasn't proud of...he wouldn't have crossed that line]

"Don't Stop. Keep Walking." [He shrugs.]

Truth is, I took some time away from the battlefield. Started studying medicine. Hard work, but it helped me get back in touch with my humanity - the better parts of it, I mean. [He holds out his right hand, palm up] It made me feel better, getting to help people on a smaller scale. Eventually, it helped me remember my resolve, the reason why I'm an Exorcist. And why it's important to continue being one.

[He could only live up to half his resolve as a medic. Akuma and their kin needed an Exorcist to be saved.]

So I laid down some new ground rules for myself to keep me from veering off course, and started walking again.

Edited 2016-10-14 07:39 (UTC)

Humanity... [Getting in touch with his humanity, huh? That's definitely a problem Sorey has. Feels like he either goes whole hog and screws it up, or can't seem to quite get there no matter how hard he tries.]

Was that a long time ago? [Sorey can gather it was before Allen came here, but he doesn't actually know how old the guy is. He talked about it with so much ease...or that's what it seemed like. But he'd mentioned his family, and his boyfriend's body, and that- that couldn't have been easy to talk about.

No one grows accustomed to loss.]

[He thinks about it. How long has it been...?]

A bit. This was about...four years ago, now.

[Was it an easy subject for him to talk about? No. Hell, this is probably the first time he's ever recounted the story in its entirety- most people only gets bits and pieces. Had Sorey not just been through what he's been through, Allen likely wouldn't have shared any of it. And even then, it was more a summary of what happened than Allen's actual emotions. Much like the same way he talks about his father's death- recounting it like it's a mission report. Detached. The raw emotions themselves? The grief? The fear? The guilt? Those...Allen had no plans on showing Sorey. They were his. ]

[Four years since the time he thought he'd quit. Ten years since he became an exorcist, fourteen since he started training.]

...you know, I've been a Shepherd longer here in the Fleet than I've been back home.

[He still doesn't know how to feel about it, too.]

I can't even comprehend your situation. Dedicating yourself to a cause for over a decade? It's still beyond me.

[He'll look at Sorey, with a sympathetic smile. He can read between the lines.]

I take it you're still having doubts about being a Shepherd?

It's okay to admit it.

Mm...yeah, sort of. [Sorey threads his fingers back together between his knees.] I don't have doubts about whether I want to be a Shepherd, but I'm- I have doubts about whether or not I'm capable. I know Lailah wouldn't take a chance on me if she didn't believe in me, and I trust her judgment, but...

You're worried you'll let her down?

[Yeah. He knows that one well. And from the sound of it, Sorey sounds a bit stuck on the big scope of things. Marveling at Allen doing this for ten years, feeling stress that helping out has grown to things much bigger than a room...yeah. No wonder he's having doubts.]

Look, anyone when they look at the big picture feels like that. Especially after they've messed up. You're human, we're not as good at handling the big picture as we'd like to think.

That's a human thing? [Well, dang. That makes him feel a bit better.]

[He smiles and nods] Yeah, it is. It's a very human thing.

For us, it's better to break things down into smaller pictures. Focus on one small objective at a time that'll get you closer to the larger things you want to accomplish. Think of it like learning a language: first you learn the alphabet, then simple words and phrases, then whole sentences, and so on. You don't try to tackle the entire language at once. The same applies here.

You're in your first year of being a Shepherd. I can imagine you still have a lot to learn. With Lailah and Kanda here now, there's enough support that you can actually take the time to learn it.

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