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That has to be hard. [Natasha's tone is understanding, but not too pitying. Between British stiff upper lips and Russian stoicism, it's not their style, is it?

But she does understand.]

I can't imagine. I would have liked to see him then. In a way it's easier only knowing him as an assassin.

Once, I walked into a pub to touch base with some of the Commandos. The sergeant made a pass at me -- imagine that, if you will. [ a far far cry from the stilted and broken man still trying to find his words, now.

but then it wasn't so long after that when she was signing off on a report of the sergeant's death. what a swirl of mixed emotions. ]

Edited 2016-11-11 00:59 (UTC)

Hard to picture. [A thoughtful hum and another sip of coffee.] He does have his moments though. Maybe not the guy from sixty years ago, but every once in a while you get a flash of something.

Personality that survived the conditioning.

[Natasha doesn't know about the Winter Soldier's training specifically, the exact methods used to create him, but she knows enough about training methods, about people who'll get in your head and make you something else to know what she's talking about.

That familiarity shows subtly, a shadow in her voice and eyes.]

Maybe that makes it harder.

[ a slow -- if reluctant -- nod. the glimpses pain her, at times. not least of all because she feels responsible. and there's a particularly cruel irony in hating oneself for how much self-hate another person is experiencing.

but she isn't so much lost to those thoughts that she misses the shadow. peggy's lips fall into a hard line, and then: ] Does the name LEVIATHAN mean anything to you?

[ a non-sequitur, perhaps. but only because she hasn't voiced the connection pre-existent in her mind. ]

[Natasha doesn't bat an eyelash, not in recognition and not in confusion. If she knows the name, she keeps that information to herself.]

Why? Are they behind what happened to Barnes?

[Baldly taking advantage of the sudden change to avoid a committal answer.]

Possibly. [ her eyes are on the tea. peggy shakes her head. ] Possibly not. That's the sort of question which keeps me up night.

Does it really matter what the answer is? Either way, you can't put that on yourself. You're not responsible for HYDRA. Or Leviathan. Or any other shady organizations with ominously mythical names.

Of course, [ she exhales with falsified relief. she's not responsible for hydra, or leviathan, but she certainly did her part in bringing in dr. fenhoff and jailing him in the belly of the beast, so to speak. she might not be aware of any specific cellmate assignments -- but all it had taken was jim barnes warning her about zola, and about the hydra takeover, to put the rest of the pieces together.

she practically giftwrapped a highly effective hypnotist for hydra. and yet, as fate would have it, her name doesn't appear on the file. thompson took that collar; history would absolve her. ] It's not my fault. To claim otherwise would make me quite the hypocrite, wouldn't it?

[ after all, she routinely insists that the violence on the iskaulit wasn't bucky's fault. and yet. ]

It would make you complicated. We all are. It's natural to blame yourself, but you can't save everyone.

[Natasha doesn't let her apply her words too much to her own life. That's a rabbit hole she doesn't need to go down.]

But trust me, it's not worth beating yourself up over other people's sins.

[ so, she doesn't quite have the same light touch as edwin jarvis. not quite the same idealistic bent to her responses. and yet peggy finds a kernel of comfort in the conversation. ]

That's just it, though. I tried to save him. [ -- 'save' is more a twist on her words than the legitimate feeling behind the confession. peggy had no chance in hell of saving the winter soldier. she understands that, plain as day. ] I should have emptied my clip into his chest -- his head -- when he was coming at me. Maybe it wouldn't have stopped him, but I ought to have tried.

[ but peggy didn't defend herself the way she ought to have done.all because she felt guilty over leaving fenhoff alive. it becomes a complex web: she missed her marks on purpose because she feels culpable for the creature barnes became -- if not because of fenhoff himself, then because hydra was allowed to rebuild itself in guts of her organization.

peggy finishes her cup of tea with no flourishes. ] I promised him I would try.

I do understand. But that's still blaming yourself for Barnes's actions, the things other people put in his head. You didn't stop him because he was your friend. Because you feel responsible for him.

That's not a trigger everyone can pull.

[ peggy swaps out her teabag for something fresh -- studiously avoiding a careful glance in natasha's direction. her natural inclination is to read into the negative spaces of a statement like that, but she files those questions away for later. ]

I suppose it isn't. [ if her statement hedges any semblance of conviction, it's only because she matches the way natasha's statement sounded more like a platitude directed to deflect the conversation a little longer. ]

I'm not very good at this, am I?

[Natasha can own that.]

You have to realize, I get that it's hard. I do. But it also sounds a little like being upset that you're a good person.

Of course. [ she pours fresh water in her mug and returns to the table. ] After all, isn't being a good person something of a liability?

[ in our line of work. and there, perhaps, is the very crux of peggy carter's personality. a good spy, inspired by a good soldier who (at heart) was more a good person than a good soldier. it's hard to ply tradecraft and be something of an idealist, but ever since meeting steve rogers she's tried to balance those two parts of herself.

but before natasha can answer: ] And I wouldn't say you're bad at this, incidentally.

[ whatever this is. ]

You didn't have to say it. I did.

[Natasha presses her lips together, considering whether or not she should even come back to the first statement. She can read the queue to let it rest.

But there is something to say.]

As for whether or not it's a liability... the people who trained me thought so. The people who trained Barnes probably did too. I wouldn't call that the company to aspire to.

[ it's more of an answer than she'd expected -- and in firm acknowledgement of that fact, peggy offers a simple nod. whatever else might be said about natasha's training, she is something a far cry away from dottie underwood. maybe the soviet training dorms eventually learned how to walk a narrower line. or maybe natasha is merely a remarkable exception -- having adapted, on some level, to at least mimicking goodness if not outright exhibiting it. the distinction is one she can't know until she's known natasha a little longer. it might be an answer she never gets to learn.

natasha made the effort to respond to that particular point, and so peggy plays ball. aspire? certainly not. but there's always been a pedal note of dread. ] How should I know? [ her answer is ironic, and far from serious. ] I started as a lowly codebreaker.

[ a crumb, then. nothing substantial and nothing terribly revealing. but to reveal more might put altogether too much weight on what natasha had revealed of herself. ] The first training I ever received was little more than a glorified cryptoquote.

That's a important place to start.

[ peggy almost adds that she can believe it about the people who trained natasha -- not because of some inborn distrust of the soviet machine, but because she believes she's seen one of their facilities up close. personal. but instead of opening that can of worms, she grits her teeth. ]

-- I take it by your year, the existence of Bletchley Park must have been declassified?

[It's a good instinct. Natasha's owned enough all ready, implied enough, that if she seems terse it's largely because she feels exposed.]

It has been. It did stay secret for a long time, though.

[ terseness in the face of exposure is nothing unfamiliar to her -- and so it buys a modicum of patience between the pair. some things aren't worth rushing.

peggy takes a drink of strong, black tea. ] Well. That was my introduction to trade, so to speak. [ a thoughtful pause. the conversation needs a dash of relief, she supposes. so: ] Unless you count sneaking out of the headmaster's rooms with a bottle of brandy and a fistful of his wife's knickers as espionage.

Why Agent Carter, quite the hooligan.

[That, Natasha can picture. Peggy may have a reserve to her, but she's also bold. And it's easy to see the remains of that youthful mischief in her adult sense of humor.]

Did it cause a scandal?

They broke a few switches on me, of course -- [ nothing new, nothing private, and certainly nothing about which she feels any lingering trauma. it's a simple fact of her times, and peggy certainly feels no worse for wear because of it. ] But I was the school hero for months. Utterly worth it.

[ she smiles. ] The brandy wasn't so bad, either.

[Not a fact that Natasha is about to be shocked by, either. She understood the time. And she understood not having a gentle upbringing. There was no room for her to judge.]

I bet. You were probably quite the person to know back then.

[ a snort. in truth, her brother had been quite the person. and although he certainly didn't attend the girls' school, he'd had an indelible effect on peggy. but it's not the time to discuss michael, either. ]

I like to think so. [ a healthy ego, then. peggy has no regrets about her youth; all the regrets came later. ]

The coffee's respectable, considering you don't care for it. I've had a lot worse.

[It's a pivot to avoid talking more about herself or her own training. If Peggy had been someone to know in school, Natasha had been someone to fear. Not surprising in a school that routinely pitted its students against one another, even to the death.

She appreciates hearing about Peggy's youthful high jinks. It's just not a vein of story she can reciprocate.]

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