driftfleet | Windrose Mingle

[ he feels genuinely stupid just saying it, and looks even more uncomfortable, especially in the face of how seriously she's taking it. ]

The...me taking your name joke. [ it just pushed so many buttons and then they were just left there, pressed, as he had to redirect and reassure her and he was abandoning his needs again, nothing releasing that pressure. ]

[She's not entirely shocked by that answer since she could tell something was bothering him at the time. Maybe she shouldn't have glossed by with "just kidding." She gives him a hug.]

I was thinking about how much I love you and how I wanted you to know that even though I want you to be happy no matter what I also really want you to be happy with me. [She takes a moment feeling like she's about to get choked up.] That I want the middle and the end with you. Not just this great beginning. That I would...say yes. And I thought about how, mmm, overwhelmed you seemed about talking about children and I thought this might feel the same to you?

[She takes a deep breath, just trying to be very open here even with the vulnerable parts.] And then I tried to think about something else and my thoughts drifted and I was just thinking about the pun implications of our names together. But names are more important than that. I know I wouldn't want to give mine up. It's the last thing from my parents.

What did it mean to you?

I know - I know. [ and by god the urge to reassure her is so powerful, to tell her he's just being winn - just ask kara, he does that - it's not a big deal and to hold her and comfort her but that's not what she wants and he struggles to resist it. he does start stroking her hair again, in the way he knows she likes. ]

I'm not accusing you of anything, I know you didn't mean anything bad by it. [ he sighs. this is so hard. ]

I'm gonna answer your question first, ok, and then we get back to the rest of it?

[She nods feeling like maybe she should have started with her question before explaining herself. She didn't feel like he was accusing her, but maybe her answer made it sound like she felt that way.]

I guess the big thing is - taking back my name was kind of a big deal for me, getting to the point where people around me heard it and thought of me and not my dad - it took a long time. [ and it was hard, but he stuck it out and it's a rare point of pride.

the "little" things being that it feels like a slap to his masculinity and the fact that it sounds like the name of a gay porn star is not helping the fact that he's still nowhere near being done struggling with his sexuality. but he's not ready to say either of those out loud. ]

For better or worse, Winn Schott is who I am.

[When he brought up the gay porn star she was a little unsure how to respond because she knows he struggles with that. She hoped it was in good humor?]

Better. I definitely think better. I don't want to take that from you. I'm sorry I didn't think more about how it would feel for you to hear before I said it. And this isn't stupid. I'm glad you told me.

All of this means a lot to me.

[ he shakes his head. ]

I don't want you to overthink everything you say to me, I can take a joke, really. It's just everything sucking lately.

[ he feels always on edge, always ready to go off. ]

Everything is sucking way too much. [She brushes her fingers through his hair.] Easier said than done on the overthinking, but I do that anyway, so telling me doesn't hurt.

For the record, I wouldn't ask you to give up your name either.

[ he leans in for a nuzzle. ]

Okay, your turn. Getting married and having kids...it's something you want right now? [ because that is overwhelming to him. he can't do that. but he wants to know how she feels. ]

[Nuzzling is good.]

No. I'm not ready to have kids. I'm not even completely sure I'll ever feel ready for it. But I like the thought of it someday. I want kids. Or kid. Probably kid. Less plural. I haven't been in a place where I think I should...ever. [She was way too young for kids when the world fell apart. I don't think this is that place. Maybe National City could be someday.

Marriage...I don't know. I'm not in a rush. Right now would be a little fast. [Small smile.] It wouldn't have to wait for improved conditions though. But it could. Is that an answer?

Yeah. [ she gets a little smile and nod ] I'm good with that.

[ he kisses her softly. ]

I want us to get to be just us, first. Not living with lovable but numerous shipmates. And get a lot more nights like this. [ they're still getting to know each other, and while he's okay with thinking of someday getting married and maybe even someday...kids. he's not okay with any of it happening while they're still struggling with not putting up a front for each other (he more than her, but still). ]

[If he asked her now she doubts she could say anything but yes. She loves him so deeply and believes the rest will be worked out. But she doesn't think it's the best idea either. As evidenced by the part where she hasn't thought about being the ask-er yet.]

The sucking and lack of sleep aside, tonight is pretty great. You're pretty great. [Kissing him again.] How does sharing feel so far?

Awkward. [ he laughs; hey, she wants him to share, right? ] But I like that you know me better.

[She laughs too.] I like that too. Knowing you better and you knowing me better. Does this mean we're becoming well-adjusted, responsible adults?

I wouldn't go that far -

Oh good. That sounds like a lifestyle where it would be frowned upon to go defile each other in a shed during breakfast. [Kiss.]

That's not a lifestyle, that's just lame.

[ kiss :D ]

Do you think there's any chance I could get you to sleep with me?

I think there's every chance you could get me to lie here and try. [ honesty, yay? ]

[Kissing his temple.] Herimone mentioned potions for sleep. It was intended for dreamless sleep, but she said it helped with sleep in general too. So, you know...magic. I don't know her that well, so this is more information than suggestion.

(OOC: This is out of chronological order but it won't be the first or last thing in this game?)

Her potions are great, they're how I'm not still hungover from Halloween.

[ he's exaggerating for affect but, they did save him the next day. but he shakes his head. ]

Jim offered it months ago...[ not specifically hermione, but the idea of taking something to put him to sleep ] I don't like being out of it, if something happens in the middle of the night I want to be able to wake up.

Maybe you'd still be able to? Would you talk to her to find out more about it? I can understand not wanting to be in that position where you can't get up for focus. I mean, I'd look out for you, but I understand. I wouldn't be able to do it either.

I can talk to her.

[ he's not making any promises but if there's anyone he trusts with this - it's hermione. ]

You know, back home I'm a really good sleeper. Sometimes on the weekend I sleep til noon, just cuz I can.

[She's good with just the promise to talk to her about it.]

You are? [She honestly hadn't realized this and it makes it all that much more concerning.] What is it about being here?

[ there are a lot of things about being here like - not having a set schedule, for example. but that just excuses him not sleeping at night, if that was all he'd catch up on it during the day. which he does, sometimes, but never completely, never enough. ]

I just can't turn my brain off. [ he shrugs. he's too concerned, what if while he sleeps, kitty gets taken away? he has to figure out a way home. he has to. ]

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