ᴛʜᴇʏ'ʟʟ ɴᴀᴍᴇ ᴀ ᴄɪᴛʏ ᴀғᴛᴇʀ ᴜs ( ᴏᴘᴇɴ )

[uprightness]

Who: steve rogers circa civil war + you, yes you
Broadcast: nope
Action: various;
When: throughout january



[ new year, new memories and what begins as one monstrous headache.

it takes a couple of hours to sort through everything that's new, to make sense of a kaleidoscope of memories, images and sounds. at first, he starts writing it all down, lagos, the sokovia accords, the UN, black panther.

Only the dry details and nothing of what starts to weight down on his shoulders, faces and names that inspire a heavy, intimate, terrible sort of pain.

And so an avoidance of a sort begins that lasts through the two days the new year. Hours upon hours spend on the library aboard the Iskaulit, reading books and making nothing of them. It's an odd sight, Steve Rogers in one of the corners of the room, staring at a book and randomly picking up a notepad and writing something down ( another detail that comes up, scott lang or spiderman ) and then staring at the notepad only to go back and stare at the book.

He might also be found at odd hours at the gym; evidently, taking out his burdens on a punching bag, seemingly lost in thought even as takes out what seems to be a world of trouble on the thing.

It will take these two days of isolation before those of the fleet start seeing steve rogers off the Iskaulit. He'll make a return to the Starkstruck, though this return, too, will be a reclusive matter one will have to actively seek him to find him in the weaponry or otherwise, in his room. ]

Comments

[uprightness]

Mm?

[ he shuffles, lifts his head so he can look at her properly, fingers moving from her palm to the inside of her wrist. ]

What is it?

[mucked]

[ he's looking at her; it makes it only marginally more difficult. ]

The Captain's quarters come with a large bed. Larger than this one. [ and heaven help her, it sounds like a line. peggy grumbles and frowns and fidgets.

what she means to say is that he's isolated himself for long enough and maybe -- just maybe -- he shouldn't be alone at night, either. at least for a little while. ]

[uprightness]

They do.

[ it's said very carefully. He connects the dots in seconds, for a change. If he's careful in his reaction, it's so he could ask, ]

You like that space, Peggy, are you sure?

[mucked]

Mmhm -- [ she hums. ] For a little while, at least. It's worth the experiment.

[ just now, wrapping him up right and holding him close? it proves to her how necessary such nearness can be. the mere change in his composure and his voice is proof enough that wants a better chance at being present for him. ]

[uprightness]

Right, then.

[ his smile is brighter though he makes an effort to keep it in check. Best not to be entirely giddy about it or else, in a week, she might change her mind.

Only very giddy rather than entirely so, then. The truth is he had missed her since their days at the hotel. Falling asleep and waking up with her there were things he got used to very easily. ]

Tonight?

[mucked]

Tonight.

[ she solemnly swears. and peggy decides she's willing to free up a portion of her above-bed shelf just for him. a little like allowing a lover a drawer. it is (of course) on a probationary basis. as he said, she likes her space. and she's not yet convinced their routines will harmonize well. but it's worth a try. ]

No more crashing at the gym. Promise me?

[ -- how did she know? how does she ever know? ]

[uprightness]

Not sure if you can call it crashing.

[ he barely slept. Those two days were spent avoiding sleep altogether as it brought more images and more confusion. Still, He relents, presses a kiss to her cheek and sighs: ]

I promise.

[mucked]

[ she doesn't often ask for promises. doesn't trust that there won't come a day when they won't be broken -- by necessity, or otherwise. ]

And if there's anything else about back home you care to talk about -- [ she hums a moment, considering her words. ] I'll be here.

[ but she'll always take his promises. always. ]

[uprightness]

It'll keep coming back. Some of it is still not really clear. [ it's foggy, like a memory from a dream that can only be accessed the very second one wakes up but is later forgotten. ] I'm still working it all out. [ Events, people, timings. ]

[mucked]

[ -- still shuffling the cards together. ]

Why don't you tell me about your first fresh memory? The earliest you think you can recall of all the new things you're recalling.

[uprightness]

Lagos. Only a part of the team was there - Sam, Nat, Wanda and me. We were tracking Rumlow for a while. He and his team got their hands on - I think it was a biological weapon.

[ there's a frown, pieces putting themselves together. ]

It went well at first, but I froze.

[mucked]

[ she doesn't know who rumlow is -- but that's perfectly alright. the context of the tale doesn't require that she does. a named someone, she gathers, who was working antithetically to steve and his team. by all accounts, it probably should have been a routine op. ]

What froze you? [ he leaves her an opening. she takes it. ]

[uprightness]

He talked about Bucky. I was never really aware who in HYDRA knew. Nat said the Winter Soldier was a ghost story but Rumlow talked about him, he said his name and that's all it took.

[ and now when he says it, it becomes clear that, ]

He was buying time and I should have realized that.

[mucked]

He went for the belly. So to speak.

[ peggy's fingers slide from his crown to the back of his neck -- she explores, carefully, for any knots in the muscle. heaven knows if he even gets knots, she realizes, with the serum keeping him in such peak human condition. ] He gambled on your emotions.

[ and she knows that were she toe-to-toe with steve, and inclined to hurt him, she would have done the same. he's a brick wall of a man; one would need to find a different weakness to stymie him. ]

[uprightness]

Well, he was right.

[ which is the infuriating part, really. one might think that at some point, there will be a learning process, that he and Bucky could simply be without becoming each others' weakness. ]

It worked. Wanda had to step in and people got hurt. Many of them.

[mucked]

And those are the grounds upon which the governments of the world are building their desire for the Accords?

[ she won't discuss his mistake. admittedly, it's an awfully grave one. she's constantly reminding the people around her not to let their heart get too swept up in such matters. you never know when you'll need to sacrifice a colleague for something greater. she'd expect the others ought to treat her the same way.

but in the end, it never works like that. ]

[uprightness]

That, Sokovia, D.C, New York.

[ though honestly, he can't see how it could have been prevented in New York or in D.C. when a battle has to be fought, there's so little to be done about it. Ultron might be Tony's doing and Lagons was entirely Steve's fault but the other two -

it seems like the Avengers were never popular among politicians and it's not surprising and still. ]

Still. We did our best. It was never perfect but many lives were saved. I just think - it'll never be without flaws.

[mucked]

[ -- it's hardly just, is it? she's been allowed to make her mistakes behind the veil of secrecy. as often as she mucks it up, the ssr is there to at least shield the mistakes from greater publicity. steve, the avengers,...they don't have that safety net. ]

And you're right to fear tripping over red-tape. [ so she agrees to that extent, at least. ]

[uprightness]

I think they forget we're people. There were people on my team that are parents to children, others are very young. People make mistakes but I think - at the end of the day, we're all just trying to do our best. I'll never ask anyone for more than that.

[ but where had it gotten them to? they're all criminals, that's the part that really gets him. ]

They put a shock collar on Wanda when they took her in.

[ his voice is rough, fingers curling into a fist. these people followed him and where has he led them? more importantly, where will he lead them now? ]

[mucked]

[ -- she feels the tension return to him. feels the curl of his fist up in his shoulders before the first few fingers even move. peggy lays her cheek against the top of his head and kneads her fingers against the nape of his neck. hush, darling.

what he's describing is horrid. stomach-churning. but more importantly, he needs to know: ] That's their failing -- [ whomsoever 'they' are. tony, maybe. the governments. ] Not yours. They did it to her. Not you -- you did nothing wrong in leading her.

[uprightness]

That's the thing. These people trusted me to lead them somewhere and now they're on the run, that's where I led them to.

[ but the anger seeps out quickly, making room for what it was meant to hide. he frowns for a long moment before smiling, bittersweet and uncertain. ]

I joked with Bucky, you know, back in the war, asked him if he was ready to follow Captain America to the jowls of death. He said he would follow Steve Rogers and he did but I led him to - terrible things.

[ death, he used to think but bucky's fate, some would say, was even worse. ]

And now this. People follow me, alright; but I'm not very good at making sure they won't get hurt in the process.

[mucked]

[ a soft sound. like a breath, but heavier. her chest sinks. and she remembers the sight of a murdered girl in her bed -- no crime committed, except sharing her flat with peggy carter. for a time, she was convinced that everyone around her died. still believes it in her darker moments.

most importantly, however, she can empathize. edwin jarvis has no abilities and barely any training but he marches blithely into their little 'adventures'. perhaps a little too blithely, she thinks. and suspects that some day he'll be taken from her, too. ]

They chose to follow. They felt a calling, my dear, and they joined a cause. You did the same. Once.

[ tried to hard to join he left minor fraud in his wake. ]

Doesn't make it any less tragic -- but you can't tell me they never knew the risks.

[uprightness]

[ he finds himself, ironically, confessing something to her that he already did. only, she was that much older. ]

At the end of the day, I just want to do what's right. Only, I'm not really sure what it is anymore.

[ but his thumb returns to the center of her palm, rubs little circles there. he can almost feel the shift, the heavier air in the room. at once, he's in tune with her as she is with him. ]

[mucked]

[ a quiet, saddened hum of noise. she understands that uncertainty; it cuts deep. it had haunted her all throughout her parallel investigation of howard's stolen inventions. at every turn she had to wonder whether she wasn't simply digging herself -- and others -- into an even deeper hole. ]

Deciding what's right and what isn't -- it won't always come easily in the heat of any moment. [ she sighs. ] I wish I had an answer for you. I really do.

[ she she knows is that (like the others) she would follow him to the ends of the earth if the cause was justified. ]

[uprightness]

[ oddly, this conclusion makes him smile. maybe because it means that there is no one way to get it right that he somehow missed, maybe because it comes from her. there's a measure of tiredness coupled with sadness but that's not all there is and this, this helps. ]

That's an answer, too.