February Windrose mingle

[passingthrough]

Who: Windrose crew and the people who visit them
Broadcast: N/A
Action: Windrose
When: February

[Busy month for the Windrose. They set off a string of glitches by tinkering with found tech. They've lost another captain with Wrath's disappearance though Officer Snuggles remained behind. Misty transferred and Kitty was promoted and that's just the first half of the month. Some of these things aren't official until tomorrow's shuffle.

More importantly, who is going to turn everything pink and glittery for Valentine's Day with Wrath gone?]

Comments

[passingthrough]

We all have our jobs. [Kissing again and then she just smiles, looking at him and knowing she should probably push a little even if it will mean less of this for a bit.]

So, before you distracted me with mind blowing sex...I think were inadvertently admitting to having some concerns with your identity.

[winn]

[ he flops back in bed, his hand falling out of her hair with frustrated grumble. ]

I'm in love with you, what does it matter? [ he's not going to do anything about it, so why put himself through this? ]

[passingthrough]

Because I know how hard it is having a part of yourself you want to deny. Something that scares you or you resent, but it's still always with you even if you're trying to ignore it. [She switches with him, stroking his hair instead.] I love you, and I don't want that for you. I don't really want it for anyone.

[winn]

Kitty it's not exactly a mutant power I don't need to learn to control it and I can't make anyone's life any better with it.

[ it feels like all that could come of doing what she's asking him to is pain, fear, and worry. doesn't he have enough of those in his life? ]

[passingthrough]

I didn't need to accept my mutant power so I could control it. I mean...that was also important, but my point is I needed to do it so I could accept myself. I hated myself. I was afraid I was a monster.

I know it's not a one to one comparison and believe me I'm not asking you to ask out cute boys. You're mine. [Which she says in a loving way, not a possessive one.]

I just want you to be able to feel comfortable as yourself. Your whole self.

[winn]

I know I'm not a monster.

[ but the way he stiffens at ask out cute boys reveals just how right she is. he's not comfortable with himself, not even close. ]

[passingthrough]

How do you feel? [Hoping for a real answer here. Not another brush off.]

[winn]

Honestly? Annoyed.

[ he doesn't want to deal with this. the only thing keeping him still in bed is that fact that he knows kitty will overreact if he got up and left. he doesn't want to hurt her, but he doesn't want to be here right now, either. ]

[passingthrough]

[Softly.] Winn. [She rests her head against his chest, feeling a little defeated, but also just worried for him that he'd rather push her away than talk about this part of him. How much is he hurting?]

[winn]

[ she was envious of jim, well, this is what jim deals with. ]

What, what do you want from me, Kitty? [ frustration and annoyance are defense mechanisms he's tried to keep from using with her, but when she pokes at his open wounds they automatically deploy. ]

[passingthrough]

I want you to feel safe with me. I know this is hard for you. I wouldn't care so much if I didn't know that. And I want to do right by you which is more of a me thing than a you thing. [But this isn't something she's ever had to deal with directly and so as much as she can relate it to her mutation it's not exactly the same and these waters are uncharted and she doesn't want to make things worse. He's too important.]

[winn]

I used to.

[ now it feels like he's under attack, like he has to deal with it or it will keep being thrown in his face. and even if it won't, he'll always be wondering if she's thinking about it, if she's disappointed in him, if she thinks he's pathetic for now owning up to it.

all he wanted to do was make her feel safe and loved while she was glitched. why did it have to turn into anything more? ]

[passingthrough]

[Never jealous of Kirk again. That hurt. That hurt a lot. She shifts to look in his eyes even though the response makes her want to hide away instead.] There is no one more important to me than you. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. [Oh, god she's going to cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't make this about you, Pryde.] What do you need from me?

[winn]

[ pushing him should only be attempted by people who know not to take defensive reflexes to heart. he looks back at her and he wants to tell her to leave him the hell alone with it, that it's none of her business, that as long as he's not cheating on her - which he would never do - she has no right to dig into this.

but he sees the look on her face and it's like everything freezes. ]

Don't look at me like that - [ his voice turns small, pleading ] I can't do this right now, Kitty, I can't. [ he can't be there for her when he's feeling like this, and it fills him with guilt and yeah, there's that self loathing. if this keeps up, he might even get to feeling like a monster. the fun never ends. ]

[passingthrough]

[She just nods and buries her face against him so he can't see. He shouldn't have to see. He should be able to lash out a little without her feeling it so deeply. She'd just yell at Kurt or be stern with someone else and their words would roll off, but this is Winn. The stakes are high and she's so vulnerable with him. She takes what he says to heart whether he's being thoughtful or hurtful.]

I love you. I'm here for you, but we don't have to talk about it.

["I can't do this" is exactly what Reid said to her when he broke things off. They are the words she most dreads hearing from anyone she loves and yet in this moment she doesn't panic. She's not feeling great, but she does trust Winn. She believes this is just a bad moment and things will be good soon. But it really hurts right now to feel like he really might not feel safe with her. That she fucked this up. That she took a hard situation and made it harder on him when she was trying to help.]

[winn]

[ she leans into him so he won't see her expression, but the gesture has the added bonus of giving him some much needed physical support. he wants to storm off and cool off, but he also wants to feel close and loved and comforted and in a way this is almost giving him both.

he wraps his arms tightly around her, and rests his head against the top of hers. ]

I love you too.

[ that's all he has in him right at this moment, and he hopes it's enough because he's going to hate himself for this enough when he calms down. ]

[passingthrough]

[It's enough. It's what she needed to hear and feel. Maybe they can talk out some of their communication things once they're calm. She doesn't think she'll try bringing up the other part anytime soon though sometimes she surprises herself. As she relaxes she'll forgive herself bit by bit for how she handled it.

For right now she just keeps holding and loving.]

[winn]

[ he couldn't tell her how much time passes that way if his life depended on it - his guess would vary through anything from minutes to all day. he feels calmer, but not calm enough to drift off to sleep, despite feeling quite tired, drained.

he kisses the top of her head, a sort of quiet question - he doesn't think she's asleep, but right now he doesn't trust anything his mind is telling him. ]

[passingthrough]

[She responds with a gentle nuzzle.]

Hey.

[winn]

Hi.

[ his voice is weak and a little rough, almost like he's been crying except they both know he wasn't. ]

[passingthrough]

[She shifts so she can be holding on to him but also looking into his eyes.]

You know—flaws and all—it's all from a place of love, right?

[winn]

I know. [ quietly. he feels a sense of defeat, he hates disappointing her. ] I know you want to help me with everything, but I'm not ready, I can't, not this. I'm sorry.

[passingthrough]

[She leans in to kiss his cheek and then meets his eyes.] You absolutely don't have to be sorry about that. [She's not disappointed. Worried, yeah, but not disappointed.] Just know that I love every part of you and if you ever want to talk about it I'm here. You're pre-accepted for whatever you feel and whenever it's something you want to deal with.

[winn]

[ even if it's never? he wants to ask, but he already feels pathetic for struggling this badly with it. especially with kara's news of alex - she probably just helped her sister through this, jim's been through this himself, kitty wants to be there for him - he's got all the support a person could possibly hope for. so why is he resisting so hard?

he doesn't get it himself. all he knows is that when he thinks about talking about it he feels like he's about to have a panic attack.

he nods quietly. ]

[passingthrough]

[It would be nice if he did say it. Just feeling like the lines of communication are open feels better than getting a nod. It feels like he's still holding things in and it's not like he can't have his secrets or that he has to share every single thought, but she worries that it's something about what she needs to be doing for him or something that's hurting him. She does her best not to imagine the worst. But there is one thing she needs to know so she doesn't let it fester.]

Winn? Do you really not feel safe with me?