driftfleet | bye bye love - bye bye sweet caress

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bye bye love - bye bye sweet caress - hello emptiness...

[It’s been nice and peaceful for a few days, hasn’t it? Everyone in their little cages with their creature comforts, learning all about each other through the strange rooms that have opened up at night… It’s been a wonderful experience, wouldn’t you agree? For some, that blood-curdling scream from the first day has not been forgotten.

A few days into calibrations, the main screen that has been conspicuously silent (aside from passenger use) flickers to life. Anything already playing on the screen is overwritten by a video feed of plain metallic walls not unlike those housing the Passengers. It’s difficult to tell what is going on offscreen. Shadows are uncertain, dancing everywhere; nothing can be gleaned from the shapes no matter how much they are analyzed.

The audio, however, is loud and clear.]

—can’t do this to us, [a woman pleads, her usual saccharine tone absolutely dripping with fear. Some may recognize the voice as belonging to Diamond.] You can’t! We followed orders exactly. It was in the terms! I don’t underst… oh no. No, no, please no don’t do this no no NO NO NO!

[Her voice increases in pitch and tremor until it’s drowned out in a garbled shriek of pain. The shadows dancing on the wall grow frantic and violent. The show is accompanied by sounds of heavy things slamming and the unmistakable whirring of a drill.]

I DON’T WANT TO DIE!! NO NO NO NO NO N—

[The woman’s shrieking cuts off immediately. In the newfound silence, something else drags itself weakly across the floor, getting closer and closer to the camera. SLAM. Until that stops, too.

A man’s voice comes through this time, thready and weak like a dying heartbeat. It's Beau, though he hasn't been heard by Passengers for quite some time.]

A-and now… you come for me. [The speaker makes a choked sound like a laugh or a sob.] All we ever did... was try to... make you happy.

[The whir of the drill begins again, but the feed ends.]

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[It's been some emotional heavy days, especially with Lance and Keith, so Shiro is grateful to have a break and hang out with Kate. She's good at distracting him and keeping his mood up, and the only one in the ship that he can consider kinda close and hasn't been through his mind (...yet? better not think about it).

He doesn't see the problem with her liking Robin Hood movies if she wants to, he says when she teases him for his liking of space movies. But their little banter is interrupted by a broadcast on the big screen - and this is definitely not a movie.

Shiro's eyes widen and his fists close, he doesn't know who those are, but they need to do something! Now! How, he has no idea, but they have to try-- except his feet won't move. The Marsiva around him slowly turns more purple, more scary and Shiro's eyes are losing focus. No, not now, not in front of her--

It's too late. Shiro falls to his knees, body shaking, not seeing the reality in front of him, just what his brain provides. Blurry images that match the broadcast, him in a cell, hearing the screams of other captives coming from the nearby rooms. The visuals may not be clear, but the sounds are, which are of course echoing with the one coming from the screen.

He can't do anything, and he hates it, he hates it so much... his metal arm activates, and his glowing fist punches the floor.]

[ -- it's been a good day. those have felt rarer and rarer ever since they'd arrived aboard the marsiva. kate can't tell whether she's been spared the worst of it or whether she simply can't remember what she might have seen. more importantly, however, is how many of the other passengers seem to be walking around in a daze. affected; hurt; melancholy.

she doesn't like the look on shiro. so she does what she can -- hauling him to a nook and demanding that he pick a movie for the two of them. it's all well and good until the reality of their horrible situation gets broadcast, large and raw, to the whole ship.

kate swears under her breath while she watches. she doesn't feel capable of pulling her eyes away -- not until she hears his fist come into hard contact with the floor and all at once she realizes that he's dropped to his knees. crap, she swears again.

and with a hand on his shoulder, kate follows. her bare knees hit the ground and she ducks her head as if searching for his eyes. all the hard angles seep out of her body language and she steadies her one hand on the shoulder while the other tucks two fingertips beneath shiro's chin.

gently, she attempts to raise his attention. get it on her, maybe, and not the terrors the video had clearly unlocked. ]

Eyes up. [ her voice is quiet but firm. ] Look at me. Let me see you.

[ there's not an ounce of fear in her. worry aplenty, but any inclination to cower or hesitate evaporated the moment she saw him on the floor. ]

[He isn't breathing well, and it stops completing for a second there when he feels a hand on his shoulder, his body tense. It's too small to be a Galra hand - is it a druid? Shit, it's a druid, they want to take him back to the lab, they want to--

His face does move up when she touches him, but his eyes are still unfocused. There's panic in them, but also a hint of determination. Because he's a survivor, and after everything that happened so far, he can't give up now.

Human fingers close around her wrist with a little too much force. His voice sounds hoarse when he speaks.]

You already got my arm... what else do you want?

[ he has his grip vice-like on her wrist so all she can do is keep her touch beneath his chin. so be it. it aches, a little, but she doesn't protest.

but instead, the fingers on his shoulder migrate -- featherlight -- to his brow. there, she pushes back his shock of white hair. there is no uncertainty in her touch. not only because of his distress, but also because kate is a person comfortable with intimacies. she doesn't think twice about giving them to him -- even if it's clear that he's mistaking her identity for someone else's. ]

All I want is for you to look at me. [ she says again. ] Look at me.

[ to focus; to see; to recognize that she's her, and not whatever ghost he's projecting.

[His metal arm moves too, wanting to also stop her other hand, but he freezes mid-way when he feels her touch...

It's gentle. And warm.

It can't be. Those are forbidden words in this prison. Shiro blinks a couple of times, trying to concentrate, trying to understand... and the voice finally reaches him. It's a soft voice, one he's fond of he realizes.]

...I know you

[He finally lets go of her to grab his temple instead, taking deep breaths. His body is still shaking a bit, but at least the fear and wariness are gone. This isn't a Galra ship, now is it?]

[ -- recognition sparks in his eyes. and kate smiles with relief. it's one of those small and wonder-filled smiles. a far far cry from her usual grin. ]

Yeah -- you kinda do.

[ he loosens his hold on her wrist but kate doesn't let his hand stray far. where he presses to his temple, she slides her palm smoothly over top. and when she leans in, it's just shy of touching her forehead to his. ]

Tell me my name, okay? Show me you know me.

[ it's not a test so much as a distraction. ]

[It may be a small smile, but it's a nice smile. One he wants to protect, he realizes. One he's become to trust.

He's had panic attacks before, and while Keith has been helpful, this is the first time someone is so gentle and comforting with him. To be fair, he doesn't exactly reach to others for it, even if he needs it like burning. Which means he deflates under her touch, still too caught up in his blurry mind to start feeling bad and pathetic about it.]

...Kate.

[He whispers after a pause. He knows her, she's good, she's a friend, she's helping him through this even when he thought she was a druid and-- oh god. Shiro's eyes widen when reality finally comes back to him, pulling away from her.] I hurt you!

[ he's in pain -- of a sort. and he's uneasy. by all rights, it's no time to laugh. but when he makes it suddenly all about her? kate huffs her way through a short chuckle as she cards her fingers through his hair one final time.

she rocks back on her heels. although one hand drops to her knee, the other stays pressed against the backs of his knuckles. ]

Not really. [ she breathes easier knowing he's coming back. being present. ] I doubt it'll even bruise.

[ or it might. but she'd rather lie to him about it just now -- kate's recovered from far worse and that's just while training. ]

[The chuckle is unexpected, to say the least, and then there's the gentle touch again. He's still a bit shaken, and he doesn't know how to react. He knows one thing though, he's never wanted her to see him like this. So much for this place being a break from the shit at home.]

You don't know that. [Taking advantage of her hand still pressing against his, he grabs it gently to closely check on her wrist, his eyes worried and full of guilt.] I used my metal hand. If I had activated it, I could've... [Better not put it into words.] I'm sorry.

[Because yeah, apologizing to her is more important than dealing with his little problem. This shit is his to deal with - calibrations have dragged Keith and Lance into it already, he's not gonna let it reach Kate, too.]

[ she doesn't fuss or fluster when shiro takes her hand. although he'd just gripped it vice-like in one, he's comparatively tender with the other. she knows he needs her not to flinch, just now, when he reaches out to touch and examine and check-over the place where he'd held her so tight.

there are old scars on the back of her hand -- and signs on the inside of her wrist of bowstrings chafing over and over again. she's nothing fragile, although had his hand activated she would have broke. ]

Hey, hey -- don't think about ifs right now.

[ kate shakes off his hand and instead sinks from a crouch onto her knees. she pulls him into a firm hug -- arms draping over his shoulders. ]

[She isn't fragile, he knows that. She's a warrior, just like him, and he recognizes the scars on her hand as marks of her own fights. So he appreciates the fact she humors him and lets him check on her instead of taking it as an insult to her pride as a fighter. He did use his metal hand after all.

Not thinking about it is hard for him, at least not without a distraction. So he's about to say they should find some ice just in case when suddenly-- ah. More unexpected. Shiro stays frozen for a short moment there, processing what's happening. Why would she even want to--

He then remembers Keith and Lance, angry at him in his calibration room, telling him to accept help because they don't care about his shit. Kate doesn't know as much as they do, but she's still here. And helping.

And really, is it so bad not to be selfless for once? To want more of her gentle touch?

So Shiro hugs her back, being careful with his arm. It's loose at first - she feels small against his big body. But she's strong, in more ways than one, and yes, he trusts her, he realizes. So his hug tightens a bit, and his face rests on her shoulder.]

...thank you.

[For not freaking out. For not blaming me. For not being scared of me. For touching me gently. For supporting me while most of the time I must do the supporting. For--]

For staying.

[ -- sometimes, you go through some shit. kate knows it. how many young avengers missions had ended in hugs of relief, of joy, of sharp delight at their survival? and how many evenings would they end up draped together on some couch watching monster movies with elbows touching and heads on shoulders? touch is important; connection is vital. it's a truth she's known intimately for years, although it never used to be so easy to pull someone close and invite them into her space. being hawkeye and being part of a team changed that. changed her, and always (she hopes) for the better.

she turns her cheek against his forehead and stays there, just there, for a few more heartbeats. there isn't any rush to end it. really, it might have to be him who eventually makes that choice when he decides he's had enough. otherwise, her arms stay settled where they are. present, but loose. one palm splayed flat against the back of his shoulder. ]

Please. [ she jokes gently, words puffed like breath across his temple. ] It takes more than this to chase me off. Better luck next time.

[ she's curious. of course she's curious. but she won't ask until they're back on their feet and -- and maybe there's a stiff drink worth drinking in the marsiva kitchens. yeah, that's a plan. but for now? all she does is hold on. ]

[Her jokes are usually a blessing - he's done the same thing in the past, saying something morbid but funny to lighten the mood. It's driven Keith crazy, and he has to wonder how he'll feel to see he has backup now. This time, however, his mind is stuck on something else.

It takes more than this to chase me off.

How much, exactly? Would the whole story chase her off? He thinks about Lance and Keith in his calibration room again. That has worked, somehow. But they're different. He did promise he'd try more though and... well. Better tell her now, right? Because if it does chase her off, better be at the beginning than later, give her the chance to leave before she wastes time with him.

They should probably get more comfortable for this. But he likes the feeling of her cheek against his forehead, he likes the comfort she provides. It's because he feels comfortable that he is able to speak in the first place, he thinks, warm and without her judging eyes on him and-- once again, is he allowed to be selfish for once? To enjoy this a little longer before she decides she doesn't want to touch him again?]

...I told you I was chosen to be the first pilot to reach the end of the Solar System. [Yeah, after a pause, he starts just like that, better this way. Getting it over with.] When my crew and I reached one of Pluto's moons, Kerberos, we were found by the Galra and captured.

[His arms drop, but he keeps his face hidden on her shoulder. The purple aliens that gave him the arm - that bit he's told her, at least.]

I was their prisoner for a year. I don't remember the whole thing, but I get flashes, occasional memories, comments from other prisoners and the Galra themselves. [He takes a deep breath.] I was sent to fight in a ring they had for their entertainment. Fights... against other prisoners.

[He's hurt innocent people to survive. Probably killed too. The shame can be heard in his voice.]

They called me Champion - undefeated in the ring. [Again, his voice doesn't mention that as an achievement.] That video just now... it was like being there again. Hearing the sounds coming from other cells.

[ ...oh.

he launches into an explanation without pressing. without question. without interrogation. and kate feels a humility coil close to her heart -- an understanding that she is being gifted something, no matter how terrible the tale. to harbour anyone's faith and trust like this, no matter what his motivations for telling her might be.

and in the end, although the details are tragic, they aren't difficult to believe. between syllables, her thumb traces a supportive line across the back of his shoulder -- the one connected to his flesh arm.

she doesn't let him go. she doesn't push him back. she's clever enough to recognize what he's doing for what it is: a peremptory strike, an attempt to test whether she'd recoil. kate only holds him more firmly in place. it's likely she won't loosen her grip until she can no longer feel his heartbeat thundering so obviously through his chest. ]

I'm sure it was terrible. But -- you're not there. Not any more. [ and yet he's nevertheless held against his will by aliens looking to use him for their entertainment; the differences are stark, but minimal. ] I'm not going to blame you for surviving.

[ nor will she allow herself to be a figure of concern or fear for him. she will make it known unequivocally -- she's in his corner. ]

[Once again, his body deflates, and Shiro sighs with relief. There are no words to describe how much this means to him - so he tries in the way she likes, too. So he pulls back (a bit reluctant, maybe, but he doesn't want to abuse) and offers a little smile. He looks and sounds tired, but also touched.]

Will you punch me if I try to thank you again?

[There, see! Attempt at a joke! He glances at her wrist again, the idea of finding ice returning to his mind. But he's not done yet, and he doesn't think she'll let him fuss over her twice in a row. Especially if it ends up looking like he's escaping the conversation.]

Keith and Lance said something similar - they got to see it. To feel it. During the calibration thing. [Even if it's ended up well, he's still obviously displeased about that, frowning pretty hard, hands closing in tights fists on his lap.] They weren't happy about me not going to them for support, but they were accepting. They didn't blame me, they still want me as their leader. And I-- [Thinks they're nuts, probably. Oh, wait, he's supposed to be trying not to think like that.] --I don't know where I was going with this.

[He rubs the back of his back, looking at a wall and trying to put his thoughts in order. Usually he's great at giving speeches and talking about bonds but when it comes to his own stuff, there's so much he is unsure about. There's something about her, too, mixing in that mess that are his feelings toward his life, something he hasn't acknowledge yet.]

I think what I'm trying to say is - I just wanted to protect them. I didn't want my stuff to reach them. I did know they would be there if I had asked. I trust them. And... [Black eyes finally look at her again, determined to see this conversation through.] I trust you, too. You're my crew--

[The little smile returns - he's aware he's being too serious and heavy with the mood right now.]

--Captain.

[ she gets it. she gets it more than she dares to say. kate is frank and open and honest about a lot of things -- but not everything. when someone asks her how she got started in the hero business, she's always quick to tell an easy truth about being a terminal do-gooder wanting to (well) do good. but the easy truth isn't the whole truth.

and the truth is something she's only told to her therapist (the very finest that bihsop money could buy) and jessica jones. -- and winn, but he's not even the fleet anymore. kate doubts he'd remember her, let alone the story she told him when they were drunk and everything was miserable. she wouldn't tell her team, either. it's a detail she's long since decided they don't need to know.

she stays kneeling in front of him -- hands draped gentle-like on his shoulders. her smile stays in place; no hint of hypocrisy surfacing in her blue eyes. ]

Going through shit doesn't make you shit. [ crass, yes, but she delivers the message with conviction. ] Just gets you covered in it. Shiro, [ you're my crew he says and she knows what that means to him. ] Do you maybe wanna get a drink? Somewhere away from the big screen. We can talk more.

Edited 2017-06-26 13:59 (UTC)

[It's crass, yes, but that means it isn't a prepared speech. It comes with honesty, it comes with her way of saying things, and that's what's most important. She wants to keep talking, too, and that alone means the world to him. She could offer a bowl of nails for all he cares, this is what he needs.]

You know exactly what to say, huh. [But he's still smiling, his tone and expression obviously amused. This is good. Her company is good for him.] I haven't had a drink in forever, I wouldn't mind that. We could find some ice for your wrist, too. Just in case.

[Oh yeah, he hasn't forgotten about that. Speaking of her wrist, he gently takes her hands off his shoulders, giving them a thankful squeeze before standing up and... just pulling to get her to stand up too, no effort. His mind is tired but his strong body is fine, thank you.]

[ she doesn't want to say she's been around this block once or twice before. with herself, with others, with sorting through clint's crap. the way he hides his deeper-than-skin scars like some kind of carnival shell game. they both do.

but she's glad he's talking to her. or beginning to talk to her. even as he frets; even as he still seems shaken. but not so shaken that he doesn't prove himself handily strong in pulling her to her feet. a quiet huff of surprised laughter and -- yeah, he makes easy work of it. she doesn't resist. ]

Just in case. [ she indulges. flexing her wrist with a brief wince. truth is, she knows she doesn't take as good of care of her body as she should. too much coffee; not enough greens. and injuries get ignored until they can't be ignored any longer. luckily for her, there isn't half as much of a reason to get injured in the fleet as there's been back home. ] I make a mean Tom Collins if they've got the stuff.

[ kate only now releases lets go. relinquishes their connection, for now, as she turns towards the hallway. ]

[The laughter is music to his ears, though the magic doesn't last long because yeah, he totally sees that wince. Good thing she accepts his suggestion, because there's no way he'd back off after that.]

I'm guessing that's a mixed drink. I usually stick to beer. [The physical connection may be broken, but Shiro is finding her mere presence comforting after the little moment they just had. So he follows her closely, their conversation about drunk times coming back to him.] I can give it a try, but you remember how you got me to dance, right?

[Only one drunk experience. Cadet times seem so long ago now.]

Hey. [ she offers a show of empty palms -- of supplication, perhaps, except that it's impossible that she should succumb so easily. ] Trying it is all I'm asking for.

[ -- because she remembers the dance. and she remembers it fondly. kate has taken a fair few hits, of late, to her sense of stability in the fleet. it seems that whenever she turns around, shiro is there to prop her up a little. even if she doesn't say it.

it's only fair that she do the same for him. ]

I can do trying. I own you way more than that.

[It's not just him being nice - there are heavy feelings behind his words. Gratitude, respect, valuable friendship, debt. All warriors have demons, he thinks, and one day he'll make sure to be there to tell her it's ok too if she needs it.

First, though, gotta make things right. As soon as they enter the kitchen, he moves to grab some ice, then extends his human hand toward hers, silently asking for her own.]

[ she rolls her eyes -- good in nature, however, and only to communicate that she still thinks he's making too much of a fuss about the wrong thing. her wrist is fine. right? kate's fired her bow with worse.

nevertheless, she offers him what he asks for. she holds out her hand, palm up, and fits it snugly against his. ]

You don't owe me anything. [ a beat. ] Friends are there for friends. There's no scorecard.

[Message received and accepted! He doesn't think he's making too much of a fuss, but the fact she does only adds to the fact she's letting him do this anyway. It's appreciated.

He holds her hand gently as he puts the ice on her wrist, chuckling at her comment.]

I can't argue with that, even if it goes against my point. I'll try a drink for my friend then. Better?

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bye bye love - bye bye sweet caress - hello emptiness...

[Closed to Kate - warnings for panic attack and flashbacks of captivity and torture]

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