Open: July Starstruck mingle log

[wingedman]

Who: Crew of the Starstruck and visitors
Broadcast: n/a
Action: Starstruck
When: July, post-calibrations

[July on the Starstruck is so bright, you gotta wear shades. Good thing everyone has a pair now! In other news, the first mate is in a coma, the captain is hella cranky, and the tunes now feature Lady Gaga and Queen.]

Comments

[mucked]

A lesser person might be offended.

[ -- at least wherein natasha treads close to implying that steve's love life still requires any measure of being 'looked out' for. ]

[outstandingbalance]

Then I'll be grateful that I'm not dealing with a lesser person.

[mucked]

[ she throws a bone: ]

Should you feel the urge to step in and 'look after' things, then please don't. [ a beat. ] By all accounts, things between Steve and myself might be the only connection I've got that wasn't mucked up by some degree or another when we were all aboard the Marsiva. He's asleep, so he can't tell you himself, but he and I are just fine.

[ and that's true enough. ]

[outstandingbalance]

[Natasha sighs slightly; she recognizes the gesture, but in this situation they'll have different definitions of what constitutes being thrown a bone. But they're clearly looking for different things in this conversation, and Natasha figures at this point it's better to let it go at that.]

I wouldn't say the only connection.

[It seems like the most natural redirection.]

[mucked]

Fair enough. [ oh, but she's obstinate. ] Jarvis made it through rather unscathed. And there wasn't much in his I didn't already know about, bless him.

[outstandingbalance]

Advantages of already knowing someone. [Natasha considers how she should deal with that otherwise, and the option of finishing her coffee and excusing herself does cross her mind. But she doesn't know that that would be the best option in the long run.]

I hope that's not a hint we're not good.

[If they aren't, they might as well air it now. And if they are, or if Peggy says they are, then Natasha has opened that door. That's about all she can be expected to do.]

[mucked]

Well. We're hardly great.

[ -- dullish. in truth, they've arguably never been great. too prickly or too professional or too something or another. but it's got nothing to do with what she's seen from natasha's mind. of those sights, all she'd seen (however gruesome) had been unsurprising.

no, it's the raw vulnerabilities that bother her. the intimate moments. natasha and clint, natasha and fury.

or what she'd seen of that last conversation peggy held with steve. it turns her stomach to think, now, that others heard a word of it. ]

[outstandingbalance]

I have been great with maybe three people in my life. Far be it from me to make the perfect the enemy of the good.

[And Natasha's perspective is that it would be best for all of them to accept what they saw and move on. She's not comfortable with it. Not with any of it. But she's never been able to change the past.]

[mucked]

-- You know what I meant.

[ peggy counters, showing a blip of frustration that natasha should once again hide her argument in a too-literal take on her words. as though all meaning and position could be gleaned from a glib remark when, indeed, peggy means anything but. ]

[outstandingbalance]

Maybe I do.
[The feeling of frustration might be mutual, though Natasha tries to bury that spark. They're all tired. They've all been made vulnerable in various ways, and have various needs in the fall out.

But it's not every day Natasha intentionally tries to give a spy another opening to address her past, and it would be disingenuous to pretend the glib answers and redirection wasn't frustrating on some level.]

But the point stands. I'm not looking for great, Peggy. But if we're not good, I don't have the energy or the inclination to drag it out.

[mucked]

[ peggy doesn't want the opening. she sees nothing to address; the images stood for themselves, especially when knitted into all else she knows. perhaps once upon a time it might have bothered her more, but steve's trust in the woman means a great deal all on its own.

still: ]

I can't speak to good. [ and she tilts her head. ] Cards on the table, Natasha, we struggle to be friendly.

[ somehow, she doesn't mean it cruelly. it's not criticism either. it's just an honest appraisal of how their ingrained professional sensibilities interfere with their attempts to be friendly. ]

[outstandingbalance]

[Natasha let's out a slow breath at that. She is aware, at this point, that they're barely speaking the same language on this but awareness doesn't provide her the tools to correct the situation and all her attempts so far have only made it worse.

Her words don't have to be cruel to sting. Peggy isn't the first person to see the ugly and the vulnerable parts of Natasha and prefer look away than acknowledge them.

Natasha sets her coffee cup aside.]

I think I should go.

[mucked]

By all means -- [ she answers with a wave of her hand.

maybe next time will be different. certainly, she's not in her best place to even be rational about these conversations. and, certainly, natasha isn't the only person she's chased off this month. ]

[outstandingbalance]

[Whatever it is, the next time won't be soon.]