Anders (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
apurrstate) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
driftfleet2017-12-19 11:13 pm
apurrstate) wrote in driftfleet2017-12-19 11:13 pm
Entry tags:
[Closed] You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve
Who: Anders, Riona and Justice
Then Anders and Wolfe
Broadcast: No
Action: Iskaulit herb garden, then Malum
When: Forward dated to early January
They'd had plenty of time to decompress from the stresses of the red planet and the exploding one before it. Anders had even taken the time to speak to Hermione and Vash about how might be best to talk to Justice about the issue the spirit had long since known Anders was avoiding. And he was avoiding it, as though putting it off would delay it forever. As if he could truly hide something so important from one of his closest friends and a spirit.
One day, either through Atroma's slip or his own, Justice would finally see the massive hole in Anders' soul, the piece of him ripped away by Allen's blade and sent back to the Fade, the chasm that would be damningly Justice-shaped. It was only by the grace of the Maker he hadn't found out yet. The Maker as well as Fenris and Hawke and anyone else who knew keeping their mouths shut.
But they couldn't hold this dance for the rest of their time here...and, in the end, it wasn't fair to either of them. It had nearly been half a year. The lies and dodged questions would have to stop. Anders needed to stop it.
He orchestrated carefully. First, he sent a message to Riona to tell her he'd changed his mind. It was a deeply personal matter, this conversation, but if anyone else had any right to be there, it was their commander and best friend. She could bring a balance to the situation, should...Anders didn't even know what. If Justice grew angry or somehow suddenly violent, it would be the least the mage would deserve. No, it wasn't for that, it was for if Justice went the other way and sunk into the despair he expected would be his friend's eventual reaction. Anders would want to comfort him, to be there for him, but Anders would be the source of distress to begin with. Justice would need someone else.
Justice might not even want to talk to or see him again after this. Anders would deserve that too.
After Riona, it was Hermione to tell her he needed the herb garden, a place with a soothing and natural atmosphere would, hopefully, help. Then Wolfe, just to let him know...in case. In case of anything. At the very least to let his love know where he was disappearing off to and not to search for him.
Last was Justice himself. Just a simple message sent to start off the inevitable avalanche.
"Meet me and Riona in the herb garden on the Iskaulit. I owe you some answers."
He didn't wait for any of the replies, he went to the greenhouse himself and tended the elfroot and embrum and deep mushrooms and various other plants he and Hermione had planted there for their potions. Busy and familiar work to cope with the painful and ever-tightening knot threatening to choke him from his chest.
One way or the other, it would all be over after today.
Then Anders and Wolfe
Broadcast: No
Action: Iskaulit herb garden, then Malum
When: Forward dated to early January
They'd had plenty of time to decompress from the stresses of the red planet and the exploding one before it. Anders had even taken the time to speak to Hermione and Vash about how might be best to talk to Justice about the issue the spirit had long since known Anders was avoiding. And he was avoiding it, as though putting it off would delay it forever. As if he could truly hide something so important from one of his closest friends and a spirit.
One day, either through Atroma's slip or his own, Justice would finally see the massive hole in Anders' soul, the piece of him ripped away by Allen's blade and sent back to the Fade, the chasm that would be damningly Justice-shaped. It was only by the grace of the Maker he hadn't found out yet. The Maker as well as Fenris and Hawke and anyone else who knew keeping their mouths shut.
But they couldn't hold this dance for the rest of their time here...and, in the end, it wasn't fair to either of them. It had nearly been half a year. The lies and dodged questions would have to stop. Anders needed to stop it.
He orchestrated carefully. First, he sent a message to Riona to tell her he'd changed his mind. It was a deeply personal matter, this conversation, but if anyone else had any right to be there, it was their commander and best friend. She could bring a balance to the situation, should...Anders didn't even know what. If Justice grew angry or somehow suddenly violent, it would be the least the mage would deserve. No, it wasn't for that, it was for if Justice went the other way and sunk into the despair he expected would be his friend's eventual reaction. Anders would want to comfort him, to be there for him, but Anders would be the source of distress to begin with. Justice would need someone else.
Justice might not even want to talk to or see him again after this. Anders would deserve that too.
After Riona, it was Hermione to tell her he needed the herb garden, a place with a soothing and natural atmosphere would, hopefully, help. Then Wolfe, just to let him know...in case. In case of anything. At the very least to let his love know where he was disappearing off to and not to search for him.
Last was Justice himself. Just a simple message sent to start off the inevitable avalanche.
"Meet me and Riona in the herb garden on the Iskaulit. I owe you some answers."
He didn't wait for any of the replies, he went to the greenhouse himself and tended the elfroot and embrum and deep mushrooms and various other plants he and Hermione had planted there for their potions. Busy and familiar work to cope with the painful and ever-tightening knot threatening to choke him from his chest.
One way or the other, it would all be over after today.
no subject
The fabric of Hawke's shirt and the other mage's neck were damp with Anders' tears, but eventually they stopped. They stopped first. The choked sounds of broken breath evened out and Anders' vice grip on Hawke's back eased, allowing him to finally feel the ache of muscles clenched too tight for too long. He couldn't breathe through his nose and shudders still ran through him, but they were aftershocks as that storm did eventually pass.
He didn't dare pull away, not yet, he couldn't bare the thought of losing the feeling of Hawke's arms holding him so tightly so soon; he would surely fall to actual pieces if he did. But he also couldn't bare to see what might be in Hawke's expression. Pity? Disgust? Sadness for him? None of it would be good. The only thing he deserved was contempt. What right did he have to fall apart at all? He'd kept it together for so long...
"...sorry..." His voice seemed sapped from him, only a bare whisper able to escape between shaky gulps of air.
no subject
Or maybe it does, in doses. He can't control what happened or what will happen or even what Anders thinks and feels about it, but he can control himself. He is sovereign of his own actions, and he will use that power for Anders now. Now and always.
"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
no subject
He lied, put a near-constant strain of worry and sadness on his love and was arguably the most wanted man in all of Thedas and yet Hawke stayed and held him and whispered kindnesses to him and stayed by him through it. He wants to ask why, cry it out until he gets a real answer that satisfies the clawing in his mind, but he doesn't. He swallows it and it chokes him, but it isn't what escapes him as his voice slowly returns. "Thank you. I'll never know what I did to keep you here, but-...thank you."