[Closed] You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve

[apurrstate]

Who: Anders, Riona and Justice
Then Anders and Wolfe
Broadcast: No
Action: Iskaulit herb garden, then Malum
When: Forward dated to early January

They'd had plenty of time to decompress from the stresses of the red planet and the exploding one before it. Anders had even taken the time to speak to Hermione and Vash about how might be best to talk to Justice about the issue the spirit had long since known Anders was avoiding. And he was avoiding it, as though putting it off would delay it forever. As if he could truly hide something so important from one of his closest friends and a spirit.

One day, either through Atroma's slip or his own, Justice would finally see the massive hole in Anders' soul, the piece of him ripped away by Allen's blade and sent back to the Fade, the chasm that would be damningly Justice-shaped. It was only by the grace of the Maker he hadn't found out yet. The Maker as well as Fenris and Hawke and anyone else who knew keeping their mouths shut.

But they couldn't hold this dance for the rest of their time here...and, in the end, it wasn't fair to either of them. It had nearly been half a year. The lies and dodged questions would have to stop. Anders needed to stop it.

He orchestrated carefully. First, he sent a message to Riona to tell her he'd changed his mind. It was a deeply personal matter, this conversation, but if anyone else had any right to be there, it was their commander and best friend. She could bring a balance to the situation, should...Anders didn't even know what. If Justice grew angry or somehow suddenly violent, it would be the least the mage would deserve. No, it wasn't for that, it was for if Justice went the other way and sunk into the despair he expected would be his friend's eventual reaction. Anders would want to comfort him, to be there for him, but Anders would be the source of distress to begin with. Justice would need someone else.

Justice might not even want to talk to or see him again after this. Anders would deserve that too.

After Riona, it was Hermione to tell her he needed the herb garden, a place with a soothing and natural atmosphere would, hopefully, help. Then Wolfe, just to let him know...in case. In case of anything. At the very least to let his love know where he was disappearing off to and not to search for him.

Last was Justice himself. Just a simple message sent to start off the inevitable avalanche.

"Meet me and Riona in the herb garden on the Iskaulit. I owe you some answers."

He didn't wait for any of the replies, he went to the greenhouse himself and tended the elfroot and embrum and deep mushrooms and various other plants he and Hermione had planted there for their potions. Busy and familiar work to cope with the painful and ever-tightening knot threatening to choke him from his chest.

One way or the other, it would all be over after today.

Comments

[whatisright]

I owe you some answers.

That's not ominous at all.

I am on my way.

Justice can only think of one thing that he's been wanting answers about. He doesn't know why exactly Anders owes them to him--Justice has been fretting about Anders for months, searching for answers, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's owed them--but he's not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

The small snow leopard that's been following Justice around insists on following for this as well. Justice briefly considers just leaving her on the Caprine, but she's developed this terrible habit of yowling when he tries to leave her on a ship without him, so he reluctantly allows her to join. Justice doubts that Anders will mind. Anders likes cats.

Landing in the Iskaulit, Justice can already sense Anders' distress. It puts him on edge that Anders is already so worked up about whatever he plans on sharing. Whatever it is, Justice hopes he can be supportive. He knows he's bad at dealing with mortal feelings, but he wants to be good for Anders.

The leopard goes ahead of him, making a beeline for some catnip planted near the entrance of the garden. Good, she won't be too distracting. Justice knows where Anders is without looking. He always knows where Anders is on some level.

"You are anxious." That's what he says when he sees Anders tending to the herbs. It's a statement, but it's also a question made out of genuine concern.

Justice wonders how bad what he's about to hear is. Does Anders intend to tell him and Riona both at the same time?

Malum: After [For Hawke]

[apurrstate]

Anders walked through the halls of the Iskaulit like a man asleep to the rest of the world. He'd taken Justice's mewling cat back to her ship in a numb haze, not daring to go into the spirit's room itself, but instead setting her up with something tasty in the kitchen until she could find her owner again. He'd left as quickly as possible.

There'd been no feeling in his fingers as he'd stroked her soft fur, no warmth in his core as she mewed at him and nearly no sight in his eyes as he made his way back to the community ship. He wouldn't have bothered if he didn't know Wolfe was waiting for him in Malum.

That was where he headed now, but he couldn't hear the voices of those already in the bar and his stomach and lungs knotted so tightly, he only tasted sick in his throat; no bottle would wash it away tonight. He just needed...needed to...

Someone accidentally bumped into him as they passed, but Anders didn't register who it was, only the sudden cacophony that seemed to kick up as soon as his ears caught their apology.

All at once, sound returned as though the small knock had jostled the cotton over his head and let it slip loose. It was never raucous in Crowley's bar, but it was as though the gentle music playing in the background was blaring in his ears and the handful of patrons in the room were closing in around him and he couldn't breathe.

He couldn't stay here. He couldn't-

Something in him trembled dangerously and all at once he knew he needed to be away from prying eyes, any other presence would surely only be worse, but something was about to snap and everything was simply too much. His breath quickened even as his lungs seemed to fight through their vice grip to actually claim that air and he could feel that tremble spreading from his core out. Now. He needed to go now.

A shock of white hair drew his eyes to the bar and the panic squeezing him nearly had him turning on his heel. He didn't. One too-long too-shaky step and then another and his fingers curled tight around the arm of the man who sat at the bar.

"Hawke." His voice was dangerously fragile in a way he couldn't even recognize as his own and he could only blame the air fighting against him. He needed to go.