driftfleet | text - anonymous

[yeah shut up just gonna stop you there.]

I'm not stupid, and you're not stupid, and we both know... y'know, both of those. So no bullshit.

[a quiet beat, and then-]

I'm not here to yell at you.

[which is... not a promise that he won't. he knows himself and his volume control. it's just not his intent.]

[Folds his arms, leaning back against his desk and pressing his lips together.] ...so, what then?

[So...

...so, that's a good question, and one that Zack doesn't answer right away. Zack frowns, back rested against the door. What...?]

Say we did find a way to go back, and we wanted to. Would you?

...Yeah. [Rubs at his eyes, hard enough to see spots.] But I'm not- I would still worry about this. I'm not just trying to make excuses to stay.

Can I ask what you think you did that was so terrible you don't deserve to go home?

[Because yeah, he's heard the story. There was good and bad. Cloud's not perfect, he made mistakes. So did everyone else.]

[.......are you kidding man] Seriously? I- Zack. I've put Tifa in danger more times than I can count. I was useless when you needed me most. I gave Sephiroth the Black Materia. I got Aerith killed.

[It's kind of wild how the story's unraveled between two different perspectives. He's been told a few things by Aerith, too.]

The way I remember it, Tifa was pretty good at putting herself into danger too. And you were sick, and had your head muddled with too much to fight it. And Sephiroth killed Aerith, not you.

[okay that doES IT- Cloud shoves off the desk and starts to pace, throwing his hands in the air]

Enough- enough, man! I am so damn tired of you and Aerith both making excuses for me!

[Zack's eyes narrow as he watches Cloud cross the room and back again.]

It's not an excuse to put the blame on the right person. We're not trying to tell you you're perfect, or that you didn't make any mistakes. But you put way too much shit on your shoulders that you don't deserve.

[Stops and turns on Zack, pointing at him.] You don't know what I deserve. You weren't there. My friends couldn't trust me and for damn good reason, and I still let them down. After I begged them to come with me.

I'm not helpless or- or some unfortunate victim. I was weak, Zack. I was weak-spirited, weak-willed, and I blamed the world around me for being unfair. Nobody else gets a pass for having a shitty life, I'm not going to grab for one just because you and Aerith are two of the kindest people on the Planet.

[Zack hesitates at that, his gaze averting slightly. Yeah, he wasn't there, that much is a fact. Not for lack of trying, though.]

Even if that's true... you were making amends, weren't you? You were trying to do better, to use your strength to fix the world. And you saved it! You killed Sephiroth and you saved it, saved everybody on it. That doesn't mean nothing.

[Cloud's shaking his head before Zack even finishes, lifting his hands helplessly.] I didn't save anybody, Zack. Aerith did, with Holy and the Lifestream. And Meteor totaled most of Midgar even then.

[He went too far with that 'you weren't there,' he knows, but he can't just tiptoe around it anymore. Not if Zack wants to barge in here for honest answers.] I killed Sephiroth for me. We all had our own reasons- but Barret, Cid, and Red- half the people with me, they're the kind of person you think I am. The kind of people who- who give up their dreams, who do the right thing because it's right.

That's not me, Zack. I'm not that kind of guy.

Edited 2018-03-22 22:16 (UTC)

[There's a sliver of discomfort in Zack's expression that he's never shown before, dancing up against the line of genuine fear, and he keeps his gaze carefully averted. He wishes he'd brought his sword with him. In moments like this he uses the weight and feel of it to ground himself, to remind him what the hell he's doing here and why it matters. He'd left it in his room, idiot.

Crossing his arms over his chest, he leans back heavily against the door. You can only repeat the same thing over and over again- at this point they're just going around in circles. Maybe it's time to be honest, so at least Cloud can see why he's arguing in the first place.]

You probably don't remember much about Modeoheim... do you remember anything about the day I got the Buster?

[The question throws him for a loop and Cloud stares for a bit, half-glaring as he tries to switch tracks before just biting his lip and dropping his gaze in thought. Modeoheim, like everything else between leaving Nibelheim and waking up in Midgar, is a blur. Delving further into those memories hasn't always been a good thing, but it's not like he can avoid that forever, either.]

...the helicopter crashed, and... [Chews on his lip, half-sitting on the edge of his bed, brow wrinkling. He remembers the snow, the sound of the alarms as it went down...

Cloud shakes his head.] I don't remember anything else.

Mm. I figured.

[There's no judgment in his tone; he'd been looking to confirm it, nothing more. There's little sense in telling Cloud anything he already knows.]

We were there to track and capture - or kill - a group of rebel SOLDIERs who'd betrayed ShinRa. They were on the lam for way too long, summoning monsters in Midgar, creating clones, hurting people... there was a bunch of stuff about Jenova and this hack scientist trying to replicate the experiments that made Sephiroth, but I didn't understand it. Truth is I didn't care. They were hurting people, it's all that mattered to me.

[He pushes off the wall and it's his turn to start pacing, gesturing as he talks, doing anything but look at Cloud. Just... keeping his hands busy.]

Angeal was one of them. My old mentor. I mean- he was with them, but not with them, you know? I don't know what he was doing, but I could tell he was struggling with it. I thought I could save him, bring him back. That was the plan.

[His hand dips into his pocket and feels for his phone- not the fleet communicator, but the one from home, the one that doesn't work. He can still remember all too clearly the plan from back then, vague and uncertain, but one that filled him with a desperate hope: that with the combined efforts of he and Sephiroth, Angeal could be saved. Hell, even Genesis, even if Zack never liked him. For the sake of his friends, maybe he could be brought back.

He'd been so senselessly naive then.]

Angeal... he taught me a lot. About honour, about being a SOLDIER, about becoming a hero... he taught me how to fight, how to survive the mako treatments, how to... grow up, I guess. I left home when I was thirteen, so he was kind of like a second dad. A real strict one, though.

[His voice catches a bit, and he pauses, struggling to get himself back on track.]

He also told me that our enemy is anything that creates suffering. Sounds great, right? Real heroic. And I was fine with it, up until he forced me to fight him, instead. Until he was the one causing that suffering.

[That name sounds like it should be something Cloud knows, something he'd remember; if he'd admired and emulated all the highest class SOLDIERs then he'd know about him, and yet...

All of this is new. Hearing that some other hack scientist was fiddling around with Jenova parts is deeply unnerving, but all of this- SOLDIERs who'd rebelled, Zack's mentor being a part of it, Zack trying so desperately to bring him back- it's all new. Zack never talks about himself. Maybe he'd never told Cloud any of this before, either.

So he listens and he does it quietly, elbows on his knees as he watches Zack pace, watches him fiddle wit his gloves, his phone. Listens to the hitch in his voice, watches the crease deepen between his brows. Commits all of it to memory.]

...Zack, I... [It's a lot, but it feels like there's something he's not getting, some reason Zack's sharing this now when he never had before.]

[Zack pauses a moment, long enough to see if Cloud continues, but when silence follows he lifts his shoulders in a shrug that isn't convincingly dismissive at all.]

Angeal... I don't know how long he felt like that. When he found out the truth, when he up and vanished, I thought- there's no way Angeal would be a traitor. He wouldn't hurt people or break the peace in the city, it was against everything he stood for. His pride as a SOLDIER, and his honour. He was always talking about that stuff, drilling it into my head.

[His hands clench into fists at his sides, gaze lifting up to the ceiling. How many times after Angeal died did he keep glancing at the sky, searching for a flap of white wings, a burst of feathers, the call of his voice? It's absurd, how long the ghost followed him. Every time he lifted the Buster he could feel an echo of those words.]

In the end, though, he hated himself and what he'd become. Said he was a monster, and his own existence was the cause of his suffering. Even though what happened to him wasn't his fault, it was done to him, even though he'd already done so much good in the world and had saved tons of people- saved me- he blamed himself and his own weakness. He still had people who cared about him, but it didn't matter. He was too ashamed to go back home. Too ashamed to live.

[It hurts. It hurts to say it, to think about it, to remember. His voice chokes again but he struggles his way through it, because he's committed now, because- even if Cloud doesn't get it, even if it changes nothing, maybe he needs to say it. He's never said it before, not since Tseng and the ShinRa intel dragged the truth out of him. He's carried this burden in silence for years because no one else thought he'd done anything wrong.]

I... I eliminated the threat. And he thanked me for it.

[What a hero he is.]

[Oh, Zack.

It clicks halfway through that- when Zack glares at the ceiling like he'd like to bore holes into the plates, command the stars to swallow him up, when he bites out his own existence was the cause of his suffering. It becomes clear as Zack goes along, pulls out this bloody piece of his past and lays it bare for Cloud to see, why everything Cloud's been saying bothers him so much.

It's not the same- Cloud wants to tell him it's not the same, but he doesn't know if that'll even matter. If it'll hold any weight, when Cloud doesn't even remember the man.]

...that wasn't fair of him, [Cloud says lowly instead, because he can't reassure him but he also because he doesn't remember the man and doesn't have a single shred of loyalty for him. All he can see left of whoever is was are the wounds Zack's bearing even now, years later.]

No, it wasn't.

[But that's never stopped anyone from shoving this particular responsibility down his throat- not Angeal, not Genesis, not even Sephiroth in his own way, though Cloud's the one who shouldered that burden in the end. And that's one fear he undeniably carries, even if he isn't about to say it aloud: that the cycle will just continue on like this. That the price of freedom truly is death- is that the lesson life was trying to teach him?

"The world is unfair," his mother used to joke, "That's why I married your father." He never really got it, before he left, but over time he'd figured it out. This isn't fair, they shouldn't have chosen me. How many times had he thought something like that since it all went to hell? I don't understand why this is happening. The answer always eluded him, leaving him frustrated, angry, grasping to hold on to the perpetual optimism he used to exude as easily as breathing.

Zack's back hits the door again, and quietly he slides down into a crouch, his head bowed. Stupid, stupid. He shouldn't have said anything.]

Sorry... just forget it. It has nothing to do with this.

[It's just an echo, a ghost of similar words with the same kind of sentiment. "I am the cause of suffering" isn't that different from "the world would be better off without me", in his mind. Hard to shake the curling tendrils of fear whispering again, again.

Maybe he shouldn't have come, after all.]

[After a moment Cloud pushes himself up, heads over to the door and puts his back to it to slide down next to Zack. He sits, drawing his legs up and resting his arms on them, leaning forward a little to see his face.

It's still so hard...Zack is still practically a stranger to him. And it must be harder still for Zack, who keeps expecting to know things about him, to be familiar to at least some extent. It must be a lot like losing a friend. Then again, maybe as he is Cloud is just as much a stranger to Zack.]

...for all the bad that's happened, [Cloud starts quietly, haltingly,] for all the bad I've- I've inflicted on others...I'd never call my existence suffering.

[No wonder Zack's so worried. Sephiroth was his friend too and he betrayed him in a way completely different to Angeal's, maybe, but still with the same result. Leaving Zack to scramble desperately to fix things, to pick up everyone else's pieces. Cloud had said it before, that he's going to be the one protecting Zack this time around, that he's not alone and Zack had told him he'd have to repeat himself.

He'll just have to make good on his promise.]

Because it brought me to you.

[Tentatively Zack lifts his head to look at Cloud, lingering misery mixed with genuine surprise in his expression. That's something he'd expect Aerith to say, not... not Cloud. It's true that they're friends now - proper friends, not just something Zack says to make it a real thing - but they've been kind of at arms length for a while now, still learning about each other, figuring out how this relationship works. Aerith being the chain that links them all together has helped a bit, but it's been a gradual process, for sure.

This, though... it's slow, but finally Zack's lips curve into a small smile, lifting his shoulder to bump it against Cloud's.]

If that's true, then... I'm glad. The garbage that you go through shouldn't be the only thing you define your life by. There's lots of good, too. Even if you don't see it.

[Goes red when Zack looks at him all surprised because- okay yeah that was...sincerely mushy. Aerith's fault? Yeah let's blame Aerith's influence.

Still, he's not backing down.] Thanks, but that's not what I was getting at. [It's hard to explain without digging himself deeper into this hole, so Cloud takes a moment to rub a hand over his mouth as his blush dies down.] Look- you told me that- that I'm your living legacy, right? [He doesn't want to bring up Zack's dying words, muddied and choked through a mouthful of blood, not with him sitting right here but it's important to get this across.] I can't be that if I'm dead. I'm saying I'm not- I'm never gonna put you in a position where you gotta take me out. Never.

'Cause What you said- I might've forgotten it in my head, but I didn't ever forget it here. [Pats his chest.] And I think that's that's why even when it gets bad, I'm not giving up...even if it sounds like I am.

[Zack glances down again at the mention of his own words- but not sadly this time, merely thoughtful. He'd mostly come to terms with his own death as it happened, recognizing the very real possibility as he left Cloud's side and went to face the army of troops sent to end his life. He'd been prepared back then: to win freedom, or die trying. There'd been no in-between. No going back to the labs. He was never going back.

When he lifts his head again, the smile is broader, more genuine, and without further hesitation he winds an arm around Cloud's shoulders and pulls him close, the blond hair tickling his cheek.]

I didn't say it so those words would end up being a burden on you, man... but if it keeps you around, then I won't apologize, either. Me an' Aerith both love you, and we wanna keep you. Whatever it takes.

[Cloud heaves a sigh, closing his eyes and dropping his head back against Zack's shoulder. So. Frustrating.

Still, being tucked her into the crook of Zack's arm is a familiar sensation and unwinds the tension in his spine, somehow. Cloud sends Zack an exasperated look, though there's a healthy amount of affection mixed in.] You are a huge pain in the ass, you know? I'm trying to tell you that you've saved me, in all the ways you can save someone. Even though I- [Swallows back that self-flagellating guilt trip] Even just by living your life...by trying to be like you, I had to the strength to keep going.

You're my hero. [Reaches over and taps his fist to Zack's chest.] Anything good I learned, I learned from you. Don't go thinking you can't save people ever again, alright?

Haaah? First you insult me, and then you boss me around? That's a fine way to treat your hero.

[He's smiling as he says it, though, setting free a chuckle and lifting his free hand to pat his palm against Cloud's fist.]

I'm happy. I promise, I am. Hearing that from you makes it all worthwhile.

[For all his fretting he does feel better with Cloud knowing, even if it doesn't actually change a damn thing. He feels lighter, like some of the old weight has rubbed off, taking a bit of that paranoia with it. Whatever happens, he'll live with it. But he's glad he told someone, and he's extra glad it was Cloud.]

text - anonymous

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

barfs exposition

drinks it up

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)