Twenty-somethings gotta twenty-something

[mikangirl]

Who: Everyone invited, everyone gatecrashing (technically you're all invited, so...)
Broadcast: Who knows, maybe some drunken texting later on
Action: Iskaulit Pool!
When: 3 July

[It's a party for a narcissistic redhead who likes to be reminded she's alive.  Come celebrate!  Alternately, come sneak in and steal the food!  There's a bar set up for drinks drastically lowered to cost-price or to-be-paid-later-tab, a non-alcoholic punch in case of wandering minors (spike it and Nami will end you) and random snacks.

Oh, and a pool.  Which is heated.  Kind of important, that part.

Step right up, I'm reliably informed we'll have Thor with his shirt off, take pictures while you can.]

Comments

[candothat]

[He's going to press her with another conversational question--Then what have you heard generally? perhaps--but then she's asking the thing and that seems more important.]

Maybe I would. [And even though she directly ask:] Maybe I'm not. But I should be, and I will be.

[passingthrough]

[She can understand feeling like you have no right to your feelings and what a terrible position that puts a person in since you can't just turn them on and off. And it's not the most fun loop to have going on inside yourself.] Am I... [She's not sure how to word it.] Doing something wrong here? Could I be doing something better for you?

[candothat]

[He is truly and visibly baffled by that.] No, of course not, no. You have been nothing but kind and patient with how I--with everything, ever since I came here. You didn't need to be. I haven't done very much to earn that.

[passingthrough]

Pavel, what are you saying? You've always been good to me and for me. You're one of my closest friends. If I'm kind and patient it's just because you show me all that and more. You always have. You don't have to earn anything, but you more than have.

[candothat]

[Kitty's mouth and his brain are providing two very different narratives. He likes Kitty's better, but...] I've been selfish. I've wanted too much. I haven't been--I haven't appreciated you enough here, as you are. Happier. I wanted [past tense] the you that was in Marina back even though she was sadder, and I don't know what can be more selfish than that.

[passingthrough]

I mean, that doesn't sound great, but I get it. I've wanted people to go back to the way they were in these places. To remember me or not to have new memories that messed things up between us. [Like Reid.] You haven't made me feel like I'm a disappointment.

[candothat]

You have never, ever been a disappointment. You never will be.

[He actually... feels better? Sort of? Still un-want-able, but Kitty doesn't seem to think that he's as awful as he thinks he is. He generally trusts her assessment of people, so he's kind of obligated to go with her on this one.]

I love you. [There's no extra weight behind the words. Sincerity, sure, but no desperation and grasping. It's not a down-on-one-knee-with-a-ring sort of I love you.] In whatever way.

[passingthrough]

I love you too, Pavel. [Which she means with all sincerity and has felt for a long time. It is not as all encompassing as the way he means it perhaps. It's not a romantic love, but she does love him and she hopes she does the right thing by leaving off the disclaimer. She doesn't want it to be confusing, but she also doesn't want to minimize it. Hug? Hug.]

[candothat]

[It's better without the disclaimer. He knows what she isn't saying--really knows this time, and accepts. It's not ever going to be romantic love. It'll never be stay-close-at-night-to-keep-nightmares-away, wear-reminders-of-him-close-to-her-heart, do-anything-to-be-together love (which, if he's honest, is the kind of love that he hopes for the most).

But it's still good. He's important to her. She does love him, and that's more than he thought he had. It really does mean something to hear it, and he hugs her tightly and hopes that she knows how much she matters to him and how grateful he is for her.] Thank you.

[passingthrough]

[On the plus side, this went better than when Vash told her he loved her and then looked really nervous and worried and he took it back and she let him. She's trying really hard to believe he just said what he thought he was supposed to say and not how he felt.

She doesn't know if her heart is ever going to be able to really move on from Winn. He's her do-anything-to-be-together love. But the "anything" wasn't working. Maybe that makes any other kind of moving on selfish, but what's the alternative when life keeps moving forward?]

I'm sorry.

[candothat]

[Well, that's... something? And Kitty hasn't responded to any I love you with running away and avoiding him for several weeks, so Pavel's willing to consider this a step up for him as well. He should probably quit while he's ahead.]

There's nothing for you to be sorry for. [She was listening to him, right? She got the part where he said he's been selfish and she's only ever been nice about the whole thing?] Okay?

[passingthrough]

[Not yet!]

[She nods at his words, trying to accept them.] I just don't want to hurt anyone the way... [the way she has.] I just know it's hard.

[candothat]

[Yes yet! Definitely yet.]

You aren't Dr. Reid, you know. This isn't that.

[passingthrough]

I know. I'm way too athletic. [She smiles a little.]

[candothat]

[He looks extremely thoughtful for a moment (and a little sad, but the sad is unrelated to that specific observation).] ...True. You're prettier as well.

[It's not weird if it's just a true fact.]

[passingthrough]

I don't know, he was pretty cute. Not that he had any idea he was. [There's still a fondness there. Things ended so badly, so many times but she'd been really happy with him for awhile. For awhile it didn't feel like she could ever move on. She didn't expect or plan to with Winn. It just happened. Is that how it was with Chekov too back in Marina? Was there a catalyst? Some kind of "glitch" from the wardens that brought them closer or changed how she felt? She wonders but it feels cruel to ask, and he may not even know.]

[candothat]

[He regrets mentioning Reid at all because he isn't sure what to say now. Reid was such an odd topic in Marina, and he hadn't discussed him here enough to know exactly how to approach the subject. It also emphasizes how far this Kitty has come--how much she's healed from that relationship--compared to her counterpart in Marina.

If she still had a counterpart in Marina after the point where her memories stop. Pavel's still half-convinced that Kitty--or her mind, or whatever ephemeral thing made them themselves in that virtual reality while their bodies stayed in pods--hadn't really been there. That he'd been interacting with a Kitty simulation and he hadn't noticed because he'd wanted so badly to believe that what was happening was real in the ways that matter. It's plausible, right?

He spends enough time in his brain for his response to be just a little too delayed.]

You're trying to dodge a compliment. Rude.

[passingthrough]

[That's a disturbing thought she hadn't considered. Who knew there were still disturbing thoughts she hadn't explored yet? As odd as it may be and as uncomfortable of the thought of her having a life and memories that she can't recall, she'd like to think whatever she and Pavel had was real and good even if she doesn't feel that now. She worries that she was just pushing herself to move on. She knows how much she was hurting and how off she felt after Reid back then. She has more perspective now.]

That I'm pretty? Thank you.

[candothat]

[Well! He's always happy to share new disturbing thoughts... but, like, when prompted. Throwing them out there unprompted doesn't usually earn him any friend points.

But whatever was going on in Marina, it's good to be reminded that she's doing so much better now. He doesn't even regret not being able to make himself useful by helping her anymore (and he's ashamed that he regretted it at all, but he'd felt so useless and expendable when he'd arrived to find that the problems that he hadn't been able to help with in Marina were solved). She's come an extremely long way in the time that he's known her.]

Thank you. [He smiles and tries (possibly too hard) to shift the conversation away from the serious. He still has a lot to work out right now, but it's on him, not Kitty.] Now you are supposed to compliment me. This is how these conversations are meant to work.

[passingthrough]

[Sometimes, time and distance are the only things that really help mend a broken heart. In Marina things were too small. Reid was maybe using the "move on by resenting the person so you don't miss them" technique and she was not (at least not in the set of memories she has now) so it hurt more. And it never healed and just kept getting bumped up against. And then found herself a rebound guy and went and fell in love with him too.]

Oh, right. You never fish for compliments and that's one of your most endearing traits. [Smiling.]

[candothat]

[Going to a different universe is rather helpful. Pavel's first two girlfriends broke up with him by going to different universes and, for some reason, that was fairly easy to recover from.]

True, never in my life have I tried to bolster my self-esteem by encouraging others to compliment me. [He smiles back. Everything's fine!] Which is why I won't ask you what my other endearing traits are.

[passingthrough]

Yeah, I can't even imagine you doing something like that. Which is good because if you did I'd have to gush about what a kind, loyal and supportive friend you are and how brilliant and clever you are. That would be terrible.

[candothat]

Shameless lies. [85% teasing, 15% certain that at least three of those are most definitely false.] But thank you. My self-esteem is very bolstered.

[passingthrough]

Call me if you ever need another hit. Not that it would have to be me. Anyone who knows you would say the same.

[candothat]

Thank you. [Far less flippant this time. It really is something that he needs to hear right now.] You're a good friend, Kitty. As much as I dislike being abducted and transported to foreign universes, I'm grateful that it happened and allowed me to meet you.