[ video + action ] in this world now I am undying ( iw update )

[dothelokimotion]

Who: Loki + You
Broadcast: Yes!
Action: SS First Breath
When: Right now!

( feed: action )

[ the feed turns on and you're not sure why. all is quiet on the ship front. there doesn't seem to be much activity on the first breath, even this late. all is silent. until you hear a crackle. suddenly ice speeds its way over the walls, ceilings and floors of the ship, instantly freezing everything along its path. everything is coated in silvery, sharp ice, cold to the touch.

and for a moment, a shrill scream echoes throughout the ship before going quiet with the feed. ]

( much later: video )

[ loki turns the feed on. he looks queasy and ready to drop off right then and there, but he clears his throat, coughing as it hurts. ]

My apologies. It seems I lost control of my magic. I will immediately see to any repairs. But perhaps people coming by should mind their step in the meantime.

[ he looks like he has more to say, but he ducks his head, turning off the feed. ]

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki smiles once more like it pained him to do so, but smiling was easier than anything else. he reaches out to squeeze thor's hands. ]

I said a great many things, it seems. Try not to hold them all against me.

[rebuildyourruins]

I will if you choose to deny them.

[Because Thor's not about that. Not now. Maybe it's a hopeless grasping at straws when the worst has already happened, when this time there may be no going back. But if they can both be here arguing about it, then it's easier to think that in this much he can still fight some of that suffocating darkness.

Thor's grip back is almost painful.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki plucks at Thor's fingers, peeling them off his shoulders and placing it on his own cheek, resting against it. his brother's hands were still warm and loki feels so cold. loki nearly buries his face in them. he should deny all he said before, all the dreams and wishes he had. wouldn't that be better? easier? but it feels like a step back loki didn't want to face. he didn't want to go back on everything he had been trying to achieve, pointless as it seems now.

what should he do now? who should he be now? ]

I don't know. I — Look at what I've done to us.

[rebuildyourruins]

[It's so easy, standing here opposite Loki, to start thinking maybe it never happened. Maybe it was another trick, one he's still playing even now. To some devious end. To almost imagine it was a horrible dream or delusion he had experienced in the void of space.

The chill in Loki's cheek only brings back home again the twist in his gut that Thor knows is the truth. Whatever dark means the Atroma use to bring the dead back to life, it didn't render their deaths irrelevant. He knows that, much as he wants to cling to a less hopeless theory.

And there's truth in what Loki says, loath though Thor is to admit it. Thanos came upon them because of the Tesseract, hidden away in Loki's magic. Thor knows that. The knowledge had already sunk into him like a stone. Thor takes a breath, bolstering himself against those dark paths of thought, and uses his free hand to steer Loki by the shoulder towards the bed.]

Come - you can't keep standing like this. Sit down.

[dothelokimotion]

[ no rebuttal. not that loki expected or wanted one, but it sears through his heart all the same. still, he remains muted as he settles himself onto the bed, eyes low. he is so tired, an old feeling. a familiar feeling. he's been tired before, tired of himself. it seemed to have come rushing back. ]

[rebuildyourruins]

[Thor pulls the blanket off the bed and drops it around Loki's shoulders. He doesn't know how long this cold will last - or if it's some unknown artefact of Loki's heritage, a reflexive burst of magic that neither of them knows how to deal with. Hovering for a moment, Thor finally rests both of his hands on Loki's shoulders, staring down at his brother's bowed head from above.

He remembers both the little boy trailing after him and the madman trying to destroy a whole planet. Everything in between.

His voice is low and a touch ragged.]

This was not your doing nor mine.

["You really are the worst brother." For a moment, Thor's fingers twitch.]

It was Thanos's. No one else.

[dothelokimotion]

[ does anyone believe that? does thor truly believe that? it does not seem like it. he tugs the blanket closer if only to hide the shakiness in his limbs, the true weakness of his being. weak, weak, weak. he wets his lips, wondering what he should say. I'm sorry I took it, I don't know why I did. I'm sorry for all that I ruined, I'm sorry, I'm a fool, I did it for you.

Maybe I should have died a long time ago. I never should have come back from the void. I'm a coward who chose to live. I have no honour and Valhalla will never let me in now.

he says none of it. they're the ramblings of the inane and had no place here, in the face of thor's raw grief over the loss of their people, thrice-fold. he's not a child. he's not much of a brother. he can no longer hide under blankets and expect thor to hunt the monsters in his nightmares.

so he rasps out instead. ]

Not yours. Never yours. You didn't do this to — It was not your failure.

[rebuildyourruins]

[Silence stretches out between them.

It's easy enough for Loki to say that. Loki only bore witness to the first part of the disaster. Thor's guilt is immense, but even he knows that he wasn't fully responsible for the carnage Thanos wreaked upon the Statesman. Even so, Thor can't accept absolution of his failure. Not when his rage and his grief threw him headlong into making a mistake that cost far more. Something in Thor's face shutters for a moment, whether Loki is looking up at him or not.

He shifts on his heel, sinking down onto the bed next to his brother. He stares straight ahead, hands hanging loose between his knees.]

It wasn't my victory, either. [Tiredness grates in his voice, some bone-deep malaise making itself known.] But I will not forget that it's Thanos who slaughtered our people. And killed you.

I don't care to put blame anywhere else.

[Not like this. Not now, when everything is shattered pieces on the floor.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ well, loki wouldn't call the rest a failure. thor's still alive after all. to loki, that's still the greatest victory, the most important detail. so what if people died on earth or anywhere else? what does their lives matter to loki?

but he wouldn't say that. instead he rests his head on thor's shoulder. ]

All right. All right — I'm just glad you're alive.

[rebuildyourruins]

[In another time and place, Thor might have been too. Gladness has fled from his heart though, chased out by death and loneliness and horror. If it is to come creeping back it hasn't made it yet, too soon after everything has happened to return to him. It's a wounded, hiding thing.

He feels Loki's head drop onto his shoulder and is only grateful that he won't have cause to see the dampness on his cheeks again. He tips his own head sideways to press his cheek into Loki's hair.

He says nothing.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ it's hard not to find that disquieting. thor has never been one for silence and even though it's not a pointed one at loki, it's hard to shake off the concern that was starting to bleed through, even though loki is not in the best shape to deliver it. but he curls his arms around thor gently, keeping him there. ]

And I'm . . . I'm here.

[rebuildyourruins]

[If it were anyone else, Thor would be aiming to fill that silence, fumbling though the attempt would be. With Loki though, he just doesn't have the will to find his optimism. Not today.

There's an undeniable ache at Loki's words, ones that always ring close to his heart. Thor's weak to it.]

Yeah. I know.

[In this life outside of life, Loki's here. Thor would be a liar if he ever claimed it wasn't a relief he sorely needed. He circles his arm around Loki's shoulders and breathes out, allowing himself to take refuge in the knowledge.]