driftfleet | [video] March winds and April showers

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[video] March winds and April showers

Who: Mantis and you

Broadcast: Yes

Action: Bishop

When: Today

[You might smell a special kind of hot coming from the kitchen today. Not mere heat of gas or electric stove or warm food, but the old school kind that tricks the body into thinking it’s in pain. Mantis is standing at the table with a bag full of chips and several bowls in front of him. There’s a lot of bottles of plastic and glass with all manner of spices in them. The contents of each bowl are stirred with a spoon unique to each one. Just off to the side is a bottle of milk.

Slowly, carefully, he takes a chip out of one of the bowls. It’s covered in a fine powder and he lifts his mask out of the way to smell it. Then he breaks off the smallest piece and pops it into his mouth.

The coughing is almost instantaneous and he slams a fist onto the table before grabbing the milk and taking a great mouthful and holding in in there for a good half a minute. Then he swallows and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.]

All right. That worked. [He coughs again and nods at the camera.] Vash, I have several batches for you to try. I’m working on arranging them from a general sense of safety to one that will make you feel like your tongue is bleeding. [Cough. He takes another swig of milk.] I hate spicy food, but this is the most effective means of testing what I made without involving other people first.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You know - you could have just made Vash try it himself. He's basically a garbage disposal. I'm sure he wouldn't have minded.

Capsaicin can cause anaphylaxis in the wrong concentration. Better that I find out a blend requires medical intervention than someone else.

[Cough cough. More milk.]

That's how we ended up with a scale for this kind of hell where I come from. Scoville scale.

Yeah, why not just...yanno, use that? Instead of wreckin' yourself?

Also, the milk coats your stomach beforehand. It wooon't really help you after.

Most of the scientists around here are the tinker with toys variety. Maybe two off the top of my head could get a start on that kind of experiment, and I know one of them is insane.

[He sits down and waves his hand vaguely, setting the bowls to drag themselves into a straight line.]

It's still food. [He's just going to sip it now.] And I am not eating these kind of spices ever again.

Well, saddle up then, buddy, because you're talking to a culinary scientist right now. So stop, I dunno fucking wrecking yourself and explain this little experiment of yours before you puke on screen. I'm not on this network for that sort of content.

One time I eat the bad spice blend and suddenly I have people clamoring to protect my esophagus. [He actually laughs, quiet and actually quite jovial.] All right, then. My own specialty is psychology, so I'm still kind of proud that I succeeded at this.

What do people call you? I am Psycho Mantis.

Well, yeah? Even if I don't know you, watching some dude choke out on my TV ain't exactly my jam.

[But also? Holy shit that name.]

Is that like? Your Christian name or just a [He bites his lip, trying not to laugh] like nickname or moniker or something?

You're a better person than me. I would offer one, maybe two tidbits of advice and watch the show.

[He laughs louder, at least until it sets off some coughing again. Oh sweet precious milk...]

More Eastern Orthodox, and it is my codename. I earned it.

[He's going to ignore that comment about him being a "better" person. He knows that isn't true, but he also doesn't want to get into why he hates seeing people eat things that make them sick.]

And thank the gods. [He laughs heartily.] Can you-- Can you imagine the parents that would give their kid that name? "Oh, yes, dear, let's name him after your father: Psycho."

[Everyone has that Thing that they will avoid talking about at all costs. Mantis has many Things he will dance around rather than address in a sound and sober mental state.]

I shudder to think of what kind of world would produce such a custom. [He rests his chin in his hand.] My whole team was like that: Revolver Ocelot, Sniper Wolf, Vulcan Raven, Decoy Octopus. Our leader was Liquid Snake.

[okay nope, he's losing it. Taako bites his lip and then snickers, then devolves into laughter.]

Liquid Snake? Holy shit. Holy shit. These are like? The best codenames or the worst pornstar names I've ever heard.

[His laugh turns into a hissing kind of noise. He nods quickly.]

They really do, don't they? Liquid insisted on adapting this ridiculous system his father used for his own military group.

Oh my gods, it's a legacy thing, too? Two generations decided that using ambivalently pornstar names for a military organization was a good idea? Holy shit this is amazing.

[Taako's laughter pitches and he thumps his leg, trying to control himself.]

Sign me up just for the naming conventions. I'm so here for this now.

I didn't pick him for his family history. His personality stood out almost as much as his father's legacy.

[He shakes his head.]

His father's original codename was Naked Snake. He got it for being dropped into a dangerous solo mission with virtually no supplies.

Now that is definitely a pornstar name. Naked Snake? Could they get anymore on the nose with that?

It's get better. He was officially designated by his government as Big Boss. He is a legend of many kinds where I come from.

[He's wheezing from laughing so hard.]

Ohhhhhhhh my goooooooooodssssss, that's just too good? That's-- I can't believe they never stopped to think-- [He dissolves into giggles again.]

Holy shit - the porno plot just writes itself at some point.

Not something I would watch, but looking back on history makes me wonder what people were really thinking in the moment. Especially Big Boss. There were rumors of him absolutely losing his mind at some point.

What, seriously? That's. Kind of sad actually? That sounds shitty.

Jeeze! We're going to need to have people sign a waiver with that stuff! I mean, none of that is going to kill anyone is it?!

No. [Cough. He's just going to keep pounding back the milk...] I am delicate and have a throat ravaged by smoke inhalation. I avoid spicy food for this exact reason.

Then why did you test it yourself!? I'm sure there would be plenty of people willing to try it! Me! In fact!

Underestimated my own strength when it came to making hot food. [He sits down at one of the seats and his shoulders start shaking.] Trust me on this: I have hurt myself far worse.

Come on over and try it, then. I'm coating these chips in the spice mixes and I want to see someone else suffer with me.

I don't know, watching how you're reacting I'm worried that maybe they're too strong for me to handle too. But maybe I should come over to make sure you're not about to die on me.

I can just put this particular mix aside and repurpose it as a weapon. I intended for this to be the hottest blend and got what I aimed for.

You're welcome to fret all you want. [The coughing is subsiding. Slightly.] After the life I've led, this can't kill me.

Yeah, no, no weapons. I'll take that mix and find a use for it. [He will not be happy to be responsible for causing someone pain.]

And you sure? Because you're coughing enough that it sounds like you might be in trouble.

I wasn't planning to kill anyone with it. Pepper spray. It's self defense.

This can't kill me. Make me regret some choices, certainly, but- [He pauses to sip some more milk.] Death has to take me by surprise or in my sleep to succeed.

Oh. [That's acceptable.] That's not so bad and it would probably make a good pepper spray.

Do you mean that literally? Because back home I would think you were being figuratively, but I've seen some strange powers here in the fleet.

If I'm going to fail, I'm going to turn that failure around into something workable.

I was actually referring to a quote about an American president. [He sighs, the action taking his shoulders down a bit.] What happened to me back home was another case of underestimating what was in front of me.

That's a good outlook on life and mistakes. I like it.

Oh, so the president had death avoiding powers. [He still thinks that's what Mantis means.]

Dwelling on things that cannot be changed is a waste of energy.

Sort of. He was considered to be very tough, and therefore hard to kill. Amazingly, they named a children's toy after him: teddy bears.

Hey! I've heard of him! Or, at least the teddy bears. [He has to pull back, way far back to his memories. Back to his first year of life with Rem and the things she taught him.] Rose... no, Roosevelt, right?

Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt. A bit of a legend in his own right over the course of American history.

[There's a notable pause and he looks up slowly. He's so used to assuming people are aliens or born on entirely different planets, he ends up waiting for familiarity with certain phrases.]

Are you from Earth?

No, I've never been, but I knew someone from Earth. [He could leave it at that. There's plenty of people from Earth here. It would be so less complicated to say that he learned it here, but he's trying to be more honest.] She was from my universe and she taught me a bit of Earth's history.

You don't look much like an alien. [He shrugs.] Then again, there are a lot of human-shaped people here. I know I was an alien to some who have come and gone.

Yeah, I blend in pretty good, huh? [He wonders if he'll ever get use to saying stuff like that openly.]

But yeah, the ancestors of the people of my planet were originally from Earth. It's been a few generations since there.

[Mantis makes a surprised noise and feels his head tilting just slightly to one side.]

That is an option I had not considered before. Our planet can barely send people up to live in space stations. We haven't come close to making planets habitable for us.

Maybe it will one day. It took a long time for them to get out to space.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[video] March winds and April showers

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