02. | All lies and jests; still a man hears what he wants to hear

[sinistral]

Who: (Winter Soldier) Bucky Barnes (sinistral)
Broadcast: No
Action: Yes; SS Starduck, SS Iskaulit, B'lire
When: From the start of the post-calibrations drift to visiting the new planet

---

SS STARDUCK
→ Reacclimation;

The time spent aboard the Marsiva had been uncomfortable, to put it politely. Bucky still doesn't believe it, not really, when they're returned to their own ships; it comes with staying awake for the first twenty-four hours just to make sure this isn't a dream or a trick of the mind. Considering the state of his mind, he's not entirely convinced, but it does seem a little bit elaborate to just be a part of the Calibrations.

And if this is truly the ship, if they are truly back to what passes for daily life around here, then it has to start with checking over everything. Maybe he's taking the whole idea of Security a bit too literally but now that he's had some time to think about it, he can only conclude that his presence and assignment here is due only to what he is. What HYDRA turned him into has made him valuable; if he performs his role well, perhaps the switch inside his brain won't be flipped. So for that reason he's combing all of the ships nooks and crannies, looking for anything that might be out of order or out of (what passes for) the ordinary. He won't enter a crewmate's quarters without being asked to do so though; he sees it as too much an invasion of privacy.

When he's finally satisfied and no longer has that activity to occupy his mind, Bucky heads to the workout area in the cargo bay. He doesn't know which former crewmembers had seen to the upgrades of the equipment there, but he's thankful to be able to take advantage of it once more. And, judging by the force behind his punches, to do his best to attempt to break it. There's a lot of frustration to work out, enough so that it's definitely palpable. Call him out on it? Try to keep up? Pity the amount of protein solid he's going to have to consume to compensate for all those burned calories?

SS ISKAULIT
→ Work It Out;

Bucky really only has one goal in mind in coming to the Iskaulit: to push himself in a way he can't with the limited facilities on the Starduck, to force the body into exhaustion since the brain won't accept any other sort of quiet. That it's not the healthiest pursuit doesn't matter. As long as it works, it's fine. And he'll make it work.

He tries to choose odd hours if possible, hours that coincide with the times he'd expect most people to be sleeping and the facility to be empty. It doesn't always work in his favor but as long as there's a heavy bag or a speedbag available he stays, alternating time spent against the bag with weights. And if the facility appears too busy for his liking, he simply leaves with the intention of returning later.

→ Art Appreciation;

Though most of his time spent aboard the Iskaulit is spent in the gym, it's not the only reason Bucky visits. He hardly appreciates heavy-handed attempts at steering his actions but whether it had been the Vision, or the Atroma acting through the Vision, the scene he'd been shown of the mural aboard the Iskaulit has not faded from his memory. That in and of itself is significant enough for him to seek out the mural he'd been shown, to find its location and maybe figure out why it's so important.

Seeing it doesn't bring him any answers.

It's a nice enough work of art he supposes; he's not one for appreciation of the arts, and he's got no skill in them himself. He can draw a rough map though, so the next time he visits, he brings along a journal and starts copying down that section of the wall he was shown aboard the Marsiva, mapping it out in rough lines on the paper. It's not a good drawing, more a diagram than anything else, but it's good enough for his purposes, good enough for him to write down his thoughts (questions, mostly) on the next few pages. And it's a good enough place to sit quietly, back against the wall because even here, in a place that's supposed to be peaceful, he's defensive and closed off more than anything else.

PLANETSIDE
→ Hunting;

It's more than a literal breath of fresh air to get off the ships and onto solid ground again. It's not that Bucky doesn't do well with being cooped up; it's more that the close quarters with others — even his shipmates — and the happenings on board the Marsiva have him feeling like a caged animal. And like a caged animal, his first instinct is to lash out; fortunately, the punching bags have held up against such expulsion of energy. So far, anyway.

Fortunately, this system's planet seems well suited to his kind of stress relief.

He's a regular in the wooded areas both for the exercise of hiking and the action of hunting. Ghosts or supernatural beings or whatever, he'll keep an eye out for them just fine, but it's the more substantial creatures that he makes his prey. People are willing to pay both for pelts and for the meat from carcasses; it seems a good use of his time.

→ Shopping;

Man certainly can't stay in the woods all the time and while Bucky's no stranger to wilderness survival, it'd be foolish not to take advantage of the offerings available via trade. And not all goods are physical; there's certainly something to be said for the pursuit of information, even though little enough of it seems to pertain to anything outside of this world's particular customs. Still he asks, here and there, unsatisfied by the answers but unwilling to stop trying.

He's examining wares at a particular establishment, carefully testing the weight and balance of a hunting knife while keeping half his attention on the conversations of the building's other occupants. It's when he overhears stories of a metallic man that he decides to take his leave; local legend or not, it definitely sounds like something he'd rather avoid being tangled up in and he's glad to have kept the habit of wearing long sleeves and gloves when going planetside. It's just easier to avoid the questions that he doesn't want to answer.

WILDCARD
→ Elsewhere;

Did we discuss something and I forgot? Have another idea? I'm open to almost anything, hit me up via PM or at sometimesamuse and we'll figure out out. I do write starters in prose but if you prefer brackets I'm happy to match.

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki glances at it. ]

Does it need to be? There have been versions of you here before, but I fail to see why it should matter to you. You are your own person, regardless of . . . past iterations.

[ he's always been compared. to thor, to another loki, to other people. loki no longer puts stock in it, though he still bristles at the indignity. ]

[sinistral]

I get the impression that the person who showed it to me thinks that it is.

[He shrugs.] I am what I am, and I make no apology for it. [Those to whom he would apologize — families of his victims, if any exist — are not here, after all.] I know there are those that wish me to be otherwise. Their disappointment is not my burden to bear.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki hums, vaguely impressed. ]

As it should be. Why should the impressions of others trump your own impression of yourself?

[sinistral]

It comes down to ownership, I think. [It's not the best word for it, which probably shows in the expression on Bucky's face: the slight frown, the way he looks at the mural for a moment.]

I don't know who I am. [A lot to admit to a stranger, but still.] So the people that do know me, or think they know me, or think they have pieces of me, they have... expectations is a good enough word for it. And when I don't match that image that they own, there's... friction.

[dothelokimotion]

[ it is strange. this conversation hits a lot of feelings loki has never discussed with anyone else. not really. ]

That is the way of life. People will always try to hold onto illusions of you. Impressions. But no one can own another.

Most of my life was people assuming who I was. Until it controlled me.

[sinistral]

I was owned. Now I'm not.

[He shifts a little on the bench. It's not an overt invitation, but more an offer if the other man is so inclined.]

Controlled you and ruled your actions? [He kind of knows what that's like. It's not exactly the same, but still.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki eyes the space before carefully coming by, sitting down. ]

Not to the extent you were, but I was a pawn to greater powers. Molded to suit a purpose.

[ odin, thanos. thanos was more overt about it, odin less so. but ultimately, it all comes down to the same thing. loki made his own choices. ]

And I was often told that I was too jealous. Too envious. Not — [ asgardian enough, not good enough. but loki refrains from that. ] — People held these ideas of me and I found it difficult to . . . prove myself.

[sinistral]

[Two dudes sitting on a bench and having a conversation, look how normal this is.]

You know who I am then.

[He's never sure, anymore, who knows him from this place and who knows him from Earth and who knows him for some other reason. Just like he has no idea who he's supposed to know and who he's not, because he doesn't know anyone.]

Not what they expected. [It's a kinder word than wanted.] It's funny, isn't it? The idea of proving yourself. Can't really escape it.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki shakes his head. ]

I do not know you. I know vaguely of you, certainly but not enough to determine anything.

[ it's an important point to make. he's seen a little through calibrations, but loki has had no personal interaction with bucky before and he doesn't rely on the hearsay of others. ]

I'm afraid it is part of nature, to define all around you. That being said . . . I have never liked it much. I prefer to keep changing than to be trapped in a box.

[sinistral]

Suppose there are only so many people with a metal arm. Word gets around.

[It's an out, as much as anything else; at this point Bucky can guess that an added option for "knowing of him" comes from Calibrations and the less time spent thinking about that invasion of privacy, the better.]

Life has very rarely cared what we'd like. [His smile may be wry, but it's true enough.] I know a little of what you mean.

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki tilts his head in acknowledgement, letting the point lie. ]

It is not an uncommon dilemma. Though people feel it to varying degrees.

[sinistral]

There is no greater devil than the one a man creates for himself.

[He frowns a little after saying it, unsure if it was something he'd read or heard or just made up, but ultimately decides it doesn't matter.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ is that a thing people say? ]

Then perhaps men should not be creating non-existent devils to fight with.

[sinistral]

[It's probably on a fortune cookie somewhere.]

Too bad that the real ones are frustratingly out of reach. A man has to make do.

[dothelokimotion]

I think there are enough around without making more.

[ certainly, loki has too many. he's put enough to rest to live with himself and that's what matters. ]

[sinistral]

You're probably right, considering the amusement of the past, what, month?

[Look, all Bucky wants is one nice, clean shot at the Atroma.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ his lips twitch slightly. ]

I suppose I am capable of a healthy outlook now and then.

[sinistral]

The deep, dark secret reveals itself at last.

[dothelokimotion]

Oh, it is not even my darkest. I would say it's . . . mild grey, at least.

[sinistral]

Nothing wrong with shades of grey.

[dothelokimotion]

[ his expression softens slightly. ]

No. I personally prefer them.

[sinistral]

Makes two of us. [A beat, and a hint of a smile in Bucky's own expression.] Which I guess is my own mildly grey secret.

[dothelokimotion]

Do you wish to keep it between us?

[sinistral]

It's not my place to police your actions.

[Bucky you didn't answer the question.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ his lips twitch at that. ]

I never offer anything that I do not want to do. All my actions come from myself. Not from a place of obligation.