driftfleet | mission 02: voice, action

Entry tags:

mission 02: voice, action

Who: ~~Steve~~ Rogers (AU)
Broadcast: Fleet
Action: Heron or Iskaulit; Work, Art Therapy, Gym
When: During drift

broadcast
If you could have any name, would you keep your own or pick something new?

action
[ If you're looking for this former star-spangled menace, he can generally be found one of two places. On the Heron, attending to his ship responsibilities, or on the Iskaulit, tentatively settling in with newer responsibilities. He can often be found in the gym, preferably at odd hours, and it's not inconceivable he might wander into the art therapy room to see what it's all about. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Bucky doesn't feel like he can pass this up, but he also doesn't want to make things worse. His voice is quiet, but warm, almost playful - but not too teasing - when he says,] I think it's pretty much stuck by now. I'd keep it.

[ He's shocked, shocked that Bucky had to put his two cents in. So shocked. ]

Has it? I'm not so sure about that.

It's more distinctive than 'James,' [he points out.]

But honestly, yeah. It has.

Still doesn't mean you have to use it, though. I understand.

[ he huffs out a sigh, then tweaks the feed so they can talk privately. ]

I dunno that I feel like Steve Rogers. Like I have a right to even think the name inside my head.

[ This isn't something he'd ordinarily admit to anyone else, much less himself. Hopefully Buck will realize this is something he shouldn't talk about outside this channel either. ]

[Bucky definitely understands, the second this goes private, that this is between the two of them only.]

Those're two different things, [he says softly, as steadily as he can.] It's okay if you don't feel like Steve.

[Well. No, it's not really okay, but - more okay than the next part, because,] But it's not about having the right to it. You don't need to have a right to your own name. It's yours, and you can choose whether you want it or not, but it ain't about what anybody else thinks you deserve.

I don't know who I feel like anymore, Barnes.

[ This is not the right time for this talk, but since when has he ever done anything the right way. Or at the right time. ]

And you know what, maybe I do. Maybe people -- normal people -- have rights to their own names. But I can barely remember who I used to be, and that fella is a ... I've done terrible things. If my memories are all true, I'm a traitor. A murderer. I don't deserve anything but maybe bullets through my head.

Don't you fucking say that, [Bucky hisses, and he knows getting mad isn't the solution, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care, because,] What happened to you is shit, Steve, but it happened to you. You ain't nothing but a victim, and if you let HYDRA take your damn name, too -

[He knows that maybe this isn't even all, one hundred percent, about Steve. He knows that the other Winter Soldier told Bucky to call him Soldat, or No One, and it makes him want to throw up, to hear Steve going down the same road. He makes a not-so-soft noise of frustration between his teeth, trying to calm down, trying to be reasonable in the face of Steve's unreasonableness. It's not like he doesn't have practice with that.]

If you can't remember who you used to be, then isn't your name the best place to start? [he asks, trying for calm and reasonable again.]

I killed people for them! [ it comes out abruptly, like the coil of a whip, along with. ] And they did take my name! They took everything I was! Everything. Do you get that?

Do you understand? I am an empty vessel full of blood and death. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.

[ He isn't shouting, but there is a razor-sharp intensity to his tone despite the attempt at staying even and cool. Guess they both fail at that. ]

Then you fucking take it back and you don't let them keep it.

[Bucky is livid. He doesn't understand. He doesn't, and he knows it. It's the same as what the other Winter Soldier told him, only Steve - Rogers, whoever - is at least fucking emotional, and if anything, that's a goddamn relief. That's Steve, who never could keep his feelings in check, off his face, out of his decisions. That's Steve, and he doesn't even know it.]

Then let me fill you up with something else. [Yeah, okay maybe that sounds wrong, but it's true.] I got a lifetime of memories if you want 'em. And even if you don't... you make your own. New ones. That nobody has any say over but yourself. You can do that now. You're free, and if anybody tries to do that shit to you again, I will fucking take their heads off, Steve. I swear it.

I DON'T KNOW HOW! [ Now it's gone from polite, semi-civil discourse into something much worse. Or more electric, depending on how at least one of the participants feels about public displays of temper. It's even possible the other one looks a little surprised at himself.

Like he was unaware he could do this. Interesting, eh? ] And stop calling me Steve! I am not your hero. I'm not him. I'm a ... I'm a fucking weapon who gets pointed at people. I murder people. Why can't you get that?!

[ His hand slams down on the table in front of him, jolting the little comm device which, in turn, falls off said table. Bucky can enjoy the utterly spartan setting of his old friend's quarters while there's a brief scramble to lean down and feel around until his fingers curl around it. ]

[Bucky wants to simultaneously puke up his guts in the bathroom and take a shuttle so fast to whatever ship Steve's on to fucking knock down his door and have this conversation face to face. But at least one of those would probably make this worse.]

Then let me help you, [he says - and it's pathetically small in the face of Steve's outburst, like he's begging, pleading, not demanding.] I want to help you. Whatever you were... you don't have to be that anymore.

[His voice grows a little firmer. A little darker. Almost challenging.] Unless you want to fucking murder people for a living for the rest of your life.

Is that really what you want?

[ There's a chance. A smallish chance to deescalate this. To step back, let calmer heads prevail. Take another stab at acting civilized and modern and all the fancy words associated with rebuilding some sort of friendship. Or at least association. And then Bucky has to throw down that gauntlet.

The other man's chin lifts. ]

Maybe killing is all I'm good for anymore. [ A beat. ] Wanting has nothing to do with it. What I wanted was to be left alone. Our hosts sure as hell ignored that want.

And my name is Grant. [ Another flicker of surprise. He hadn't meant to say that. Make a choice. ]

[The name maybe surprises Bucky, too.

Not the rest, though - even if he hates to hear Steve - Grant - say it.]

Yeah, I guess they sure as hell did.

But you're wrong. You're dead wrong. I don't know how I'm gonna prove it, but I will. I swear it.

[His hand fumbles over the video a little, like he's getting ready to switch it off from his end.] Sorry I bothered you.

[ Grant just watches, his expression bordering on inscrutable again. After a moment, before Bucky can break the connection: ]

I've upset you.

[Bucky huffs, though quietly, thumb hovering over the button.]

I know it's not your fault.

[ He doesn't want to ask this. He really, really doesn't, but he makes himself say the words anyway. ]

Are you going to stop talking to me?

Of course not - [Bucky starts to burst out - and then stops.]

Do you want me to?

I don't know. [ He looks away for a moment, at something off-screen, then back to Bucky. ] It feels like all I'm doing is making you angry. Or hurt.

And I don't want to keep doing that.

St- Grant, [Bucky says, even if the name sounds weird in his mouth, when it's his best friend's face on the screen, no matter what's happened to it in the interim.]

Yeah. You make me angry. And hurt. But you know why?

'Cause I care about you, dumbass. So it's me. Not you.

That make sense?

[ ~~Steve~~ Grant shakes his head, no pretence of thinking it over, or even of agreeing. He's found that, with Bucky at least, it's easier to lay some of his cards down on the table. Enough information for the other man to follow along, without tipping his hand to everything underneath. ]

It doesn't. But if I tell you why we're just going to argue again. And I'm tired of that. [ more than tired. exhausted. ] We're not ... it's like yelling across a bridge. I wish I had the words to make you understand.

[ unfortunately, he doesn't have the words to understand himself yet either. which is part of the problem. ]

Edited 2019-04-23 00:07 (UTC)

[Bucky laughs softly. Fondly.] That's maybe the smartest thing you've ever said, pal.

I know I don't get it. That fuckin' hurts, too. I'm sorry it wasn't me. I - hate that it wasn't me. It should have been. It could have been.

[Given the other two Bucky Barneses here... maybe should is the better word.]

I'm not angry at you. And I don't want you to avoid me if the only reason you're doing it is because you think it will make me less angry.

[ He shakes his head. ] It shouldn't happen to either of us. Or anyone else for that matter. Shouldn't happen at all.

[ Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Easy to say, nearly impossible to make happen. And he can't live in a fairy tale. ]

I'm tired of hurting people, Barnes. That's all I've done for as long as I can - remember. And I'm sorry I keep hurting you specifically.

[ It draws another thread into this already complicated business. ]

No, [Bucky agrees, quietly.] It shouldn't. But it did.

[And, more quietly still:] I'd rather have you here to hurt me than not around at all.

Yeah. [ he sighs, ] It did.

You know, that's a really fucked up thing to say. Maybe you should get your head checked.

[ it's maybe an awkward moment of humor. and quiet advice, from someone who also probably needs his head checked. ]

Yeah, I know, [Bucky says, and there's a bit of defeat under his voice, but also a bit of teasing, because,] I don't think they'd even know where to start, buddy.

It still wouldn't change, anyway. I'm telling the truth.

[Bucky's not often open with his feelings. But when he is, he can be brutally honest. Sometimes it's really the only way you can get through to Steve.]

End of the line, pal. I think this is the middle, at worst.

mission 02: voice, action

no subject

no subject

no subject

private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

Re: private

private