driftfleet | (no subject)

Easing someone's suffering... that's a good goal.

[Simon is surprised by Cole's reaction, then reminds himself- the mind reading. It may have been the picture of Jayne in his head.]

I have always thought that about that individual... but I worked with him. We set aside our differences for the common good and managed to reach something of an understanding, even if he never did approve of my presence.

[He nodded, listening.]

I cannot imagine a life without space travel. Of always being bound to one planet... even if I did not choose to leave mine for quite a long time. It must have been surprising, coming here.

It's what you do too. Make people feel better. Stop the hurt carving deeper.

[He doesn't want to talk about the bad man. He doesn't like the impression of him, or how he treated Simon or River.]

Here is very different. There's so much space, but you can't go into it. It's vast and empty, but we have to stay in these small spaces. I can't walk to see people. I can sit up high and look out over land.

I can't feel people. It's very... alone.

That is what I like about my job... easing pain. Healing others so that they may go back to their lives.

[Even though there were some he couldn't save, and he mourned them, he'd still given many others a second chance. Even while sneaking through a hospital with the aforementioned bad man, whom Simon was all to glad to not discuss.]

I can understand that... River finds the vastness to be comforting and fascinating, but I prefer staying inside, closer to where the people are. Too much vastness can be a bad thing, especially when there is not much to separate you from it.

Yes. That's why I like being near you. You want to help. Your compassion is... tangible to me.

[He can feel it, like a fireplace, like a breeze.]

River didn't always hear everyone.

I never didn't hear people.

I am touched. [And he truly was- it was nice that his compassion was seen as a good thing. Out in the black, his politeness, manners, and desire to actively help others tended to make him stand out. He still did his job in spite of it- he couldn't live with himself otherwise- but it gladdened his heart.

His expression then turned sad.]

No... when River was younger, she would mostly read me. And use it to expand her knowledge, to do better in school, to learn. But people who wanted to use her abilities for their own purposes forced them to become stronger. They took away her ability to filter, to suppress. All she'd wanted to do was learn...

[It was what mattered to Cole. Simon was a good person. That made more impression on Cole than anything else, really.]

They wanted her power, but not her in it. They do that to mages. Take them away to just leave something... useful. Pliant. Like lead, twisting and poisonous and malleable.

[He shivers.]

River beat them. She survived.

"Useful". Yes, that's exactly it... the Alliance was not interested in her intellect and did not care how the rest of her mind and spirit fared when they tried to mold her into something-

[Simon felt his anger rising and stopped, taking a deep breath. The Alliance couldn't hurt them here, as far as he knew- but he would never not be angry at the way River had been stolen under false pretenses. Been told she could learn, that she could serve her government, could do great things.]

But she did beat them. She will never be the same as she was before, but she will never be used as their weapon. I will not allow them to do it.

No.

[He gives that small smile, fond and slightly amused, head tilted and eyes wide and watching.]

She won't allow it.

And she has all of us here to help her if she wants us.

I trust that you will. Anybody who has met my sister would do what they can to protect her, I think. And we're far from the people who wished to harm her.

Very far from them. I can't even find the echoes of them through her. She's safe from them here. So are you.

[Simon closed his eyes and breathed in, then out. Could it be true? He knew Cole could be trusted if River trusted him, but he knew it would be a while before his paranoia and fear would leave him.]

It feels... good to not have that burden any more. It will take me time to adjust not living in fear of them, though, I think...

It takes a long time to stop being scared. A very long time. I know that. I was scared for a long time. Of them. And then of me.

I think sometimes I'm still scared of me. When I remember I'm a demon.

We lived in fear for such a short time, but the effects will last a while, it's true.

[Demon. Simon frowned slightly at that, but then he offered Cole a smile.]

River is not afraid of you, so I have no reason to be, either. Even if you are afraid of yourself sometimes.

Fear is like that. A thunderclap, lightning striking and gone, but everything else lingers, lurks, loiters in the damage left.

[He gives a tremulous smile.]

That is nice. Most people at home are scared of me.

Indeed- that's a great metaphor for it.

[Simon took a deep breath.]

You will always have a friend in me here. I am sure River feels the same way... we have both experienced being feared by people we wanted to help.

[An image flashes through his mind, a memory- River tied to a stake, Simon facing down a mob of people wielding torches and farm implements as weapons, the word "witch" on their lips and in their minds.]

It's not a metaphor.

[Metaphor and Cole don't really understand each other. He experienced emotions in the Fade as actual things. Fear is a lightning strike. It's just how he is.

Then Simon speaks and Cole flinches with the memory.]

They wouldn't listen, I tried to tell them, but they wouldn't listen and I couldn't stop them, all I could do was stand there with her and never leave her again, never let her suffer alone- You did all you could, Simon. You both survived.

We came close, that time. But the crew... they came back for us. We saw them flying away, thought we would be left behind, and they came to save us. We are fortunate to have them, even if it took me a long time to accept and appreciate them.

River scared them a bit, but she was one of them. You were annoying, but sincere and good and that was frightening and reassuring.

You were family.

Eventually, I became family, yes. Kaylee told me I shouldn't be so polite to everyone, that it made me stand out and made me a target, but... that was the only way I knew how to be.

That was how you showed you cared. By being polite, showing the manners you were taught. You're like Cassandra. She's more comfortable with a bit of formality. There's rules to formality.

And being able to follow rules, a procedure, to be able to plan and know how to act according to it is how I work best, I feel. I am not good at improvising, and when River and I found ourselves on Serenity... it was a whole different way of life than I knew. I grew up wealthy, privileged... these people had none of it, had to scrape and fight for every dollar, but they were so happy, too.

But you know you were privileged.

That is a very big thing. Because you can see how it shaped you... and how the lack of it shaped others.

[He reaches to touch Simon's chest, over his heart.]

You found a home. One which would protect both of you.

[Simon smiles at the touch and Cole's words. It feels... nice. He didn't really think he would miss the rest of the crew, and yet.]

And I learned that having everything- every material thing- I needed all the time doesn't necessarily mean I was fulfilled. I couldn't understand how they could have so little but be so close, so satisfied with their way of life. I was naive... but not naive enough to learn. If I ever go back, I want to help people who aren't as lucky as I am. Travel. Help them with their medical needs.

I've never needed physical things, except my knife.

[Thedas is not a world to ever be unarmed in. And Cole's life and death were not the sort that leave you ever trusting to be unarmed.

He pets Simon's chest briefly, looking at where his heart is.]

Even not being your brother, I know why she couldn't ever let you go. You make all the sharp edges softer, the glare and brilliance visible.

Did you need to go armed? That was the sort of world I found myself in, too... even if I dislike having to fight.

[Simon nodded.]

I try my best to do that for her... to be worthy of the trust and faith she has in me. Even if I feel like I do not measure up sometimes.