001 ↯ audio/action

[feathery]

Who: Davesprite and Jade Harley and all y'all.
Broadcast: Fleetwide.
Action: Chilling on the hospitality deck of the Marsiva (with one or both of them, at your preference).
When: Right here, right now.

Sup. [A generic greeting, from a voice a little monotonous and a little bored and probably owned by a teenage boy. That kind of affected carelessness has its tells.]

Has anyone seen a sword. It's sharp, and it's awesome, and it's a fuckin' sword. Which also kind of doesn't belong to me, so returning it asap would be cool, thanks. [There's a beat.] Oh, and if y'all could direct your attention out the nearest window, that would be ace.

[For anyone who actually does as asked, they will be treated to a variety of washed out orange watermarks of a teenage boy's face, somehow plastered against the abyss of space. The kid is wearing sunglasses and might have feathers? Weird. One of the watermarks is definitely giving the ships a thumbs up.]

Feel free to leave feedback on the quality of your experience here.

[And then, when Davesprite is finished talking, another voice pipes in. It belongs to a teenage girl, tone pleasant but distinctly baffled.] Also, hi! My name's Jade, and I am actually really surprised to be here, but I guess I shouldn't assume there's a limit on how many weird worlds one person can get dragged to, huh? I thought it'd be silly to broadcast my own message when Davesprite's standing right here and doing one, too, soooo...if anyone has heard of Asgard, that's where we just came from, and if not, then I guess we really look forward to getting to know all of you!

[For anyone on the hospitality deck of the Marsiva, they'll find one or both of the kids just hanging out. One tall, normal-looking blond kid, save for the sunglasses indoors and black crow wings sticking out of his back, and one normal-looking, buck-toothed girl in glasses, only she has white dog ears on her head.]

Comments

[delincuente]

Hey, who ever said I've got an ulterior motive?

[She gives a little witchy laugh, but then there's a shuffle as she moves away and mumbles something under her breath.

A moment later, like fireworks, Dave's conversation partner's lovely face appears in front of the stars. The sparks scatter into the shape of a slice of pizza. That part may or may not have been accidental.]

Branding.

[feathery]

[That gets a small, surprised huff of laughter from him.]

Ok, props on the pizza. [Almost admiringly.] Do you have pizza. That's not a slice of pie, right, 'cause I think I'd feel betrayed on a level beyond fundamental if they don't got pizza in space.

[delincuente]

Get ready for the betrayal of a lifetime, then.

[Said with utmost drama. Pizza is srs bsns, Alex is very upset.]

So are you actually orange? Is that a thing?

[feathery]

[Wow, rude, Alex. You don't just ask someone if they're orange.

jk, Davesprite doesn't care.]

Nah, I think it's a side effect of the lasers. At least now, since I used to be orange but I'm not no more.

[Back to more serious things at hand, though.]

Seriously, though. No fucking pizza? What about Doritos. Nachos? [Quit playing games with his heart.]

[delincuente]

Alright, Snooki.

[But no, for real - more important issues.]

I know, right? All we have is this stupid protein stuff. I mean, it's straight out of depressing sci-fi. Any day now we're gonna have to sleep in tubes.

[feathery]

[The heartbreaking part is that the Snooki reference goes straight over Davesprite's head, because Jersey Shore didn't come out until December of 2009.]

Oh my god, what kind of bullshit future is this. Where do I file my complaint. [HE HASN'T SEEN THE PROTEIN STUFF YET. He's going to be so upset.]

I'm gonna be even more pissed if this reality TV horseshit turns out to be Space Survivor.

[delincuente]

[Oh my god that isheartbreaking. Alex's heart is actually breaking for him.]

More like The Real World: Space. I mean, aside from being under attack, like, one whole time? I've pretty much slept for the past two months.

[feathery]

Huh. [He takes a second to actually think about that.]

Do we get the internet. [He could forgive most of this, maybe, if they had the internet.]

[delincuente]

Nope. I mean, this one asshole managed to link us all to Blingee, but apparently that's it.

[The worst news yet.]

[feathery]

[It really is.]

How can you have Blingee, but not the rest of the internet. What do the assholes running this poorly thought out space experiment expect everyone to do besides possibly die of boredom.

[delincuente]

Dude, Blingee is eternal. One day all the humans'll be gone, and the whole world is just gonna be this bleached cow skull, with rhinestone sunglasses and a "SWAG" necklace.

[feathery]

Welp. At least that means we left our mark. The collapse of the universe itself couldn't wipe shit that fine from existence. Doesn't keep me from stumbling assfirst into a continued internetless existence, but I guess I'll consider it a compromise. Sort of.

[A beat.]

So how do I access Blingee with this piece of shit.

[delincuente]

Just go back on the network till you see a post from a douchebag named Crowley, about a week ago. Creepy face, sunglasses in the daytime. You can't miss him.

[She's not intentionally making a jab with the sunglasses part. But she'll sure laugh when she sees him in person.]

... So you're from Earth? I'm just guessing.

[feathery]

[Hey, as long as his face remains not-creepy.]

Yeah, Earth. I guess it's a popular tourist attraction, or planet in general. Interdimensional dumping grounds just seem to consistently skimp out on versions where the internet exists. I swear most of the stooges I've met have never seen a movie before.

[And, at the tail end, half mumbled to himself:]

Oh shit, he even made popups.

[delincuente]

Of course he did. Dude's a demon, he probably invented those.

[She's most likely correct, to be honest.]

But really, though. Last place I got stuck in had, like, unlimited genie wishes, but no cell phones. I haven't held a cell phone in three years, it's probably having some sort of negative effect on my health.

[feathery]

No shit. I guess hell understands my aesthetic.

[He probably shouldn't be impressed by this, but he is.]

Wait, where did you get stranded before, besides Shit Tech Central. Is that common for everyone here. Getting trapped in alt dimensions, I mean.

[delincuente]

Paradisa. The ugly backside of fake Fantasyland.

[Okay, so it was pretty posh, and the food was fantastic. But then it had to go and kill her.]

I-D-K man, I didn't know till recently that there were more than two of these hellholes.

[thebarkside]

[ and jade will actually pipe in here, hopeful: ]

Please tell me there's internet.

[delincuente]

[Woah, who's this chick?]

Oh yeah, tons of internet. Internet out the wazoo. It's definitely not a total entertainment dead zone here.

[thebarkside]

[ oh noooooo. ]

That is probably the most ominous sarcasm I've heard in a really long time.

[delincuente]

Hey, it's tragic news, all you can do's joke about it. Protect your own feelings, you know?

[The ominous sarcasm is strong with this one.]

[thebarkside]

Are there computers, at least? I mean, we didn't have the internet in Asgard, either, but at least I could play solitaire, I guess.

[ this is a long-suffering sigh. it's been SO MANY YEARS since she has had actual internet access. ]

[delincuente]

Not, like, regular ones, I don't think. Ask someone who's been here longer than me, I'm still getting my sea legs.

[Wait-]

... You lived in a place called "Ass-guard"?

[thebarkside]

[ okay, thanks, alex: jade is cracking up visibly at that. ]

Well... yes! Like the place in Norse mythology. A-S-G-A-R-D.

[delincuente]

[Glad to be of service.]

Oh, yeah. Pretty sure I've heard of that, like, at least once. So what - are you Norse?