driftfleet | Calibrations Spill-Over Post

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Calibrations Spill-Over Post

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Continued from this calibration.

[That at least gets a snort of dark amusement out of him]

If you want. I ain't gonna stop you.

[He doesn't move to make room, but there's plenty to be had either next to him or on the edge, depending on how friendly Robin wants to be. Nothing Robin can do to him can compare to what he'd get from his master, and that alone makes him decide to chance at least this.]

Fuck. [That's muttered mostly to himself, as he scrubs a hand nervously over his face, and tries to pretend he hadn't been seconds from tears at the very idea]

Yeah...sorry. I just...can't. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.

[And he is grateful, despite the fear. They're difficult things to reconcile, sometimes]

[Crowley rolls his eyes behind his shades. He hates this. This sucks. ]

We have a term for that. It's called Stockholm Syndrome.

[It really does, though this version of him is less apt to recognize that fact. It's easier that way]

It's...what? [He tilts his head again, confused]

It ain't a lie. He took me outta the city, and he's teaching me magic and all kinds of other stuff. And he...cares about me.

Yeah, so long as it suits him, I reckon.

[Steadily. ]

You're worth a billion of him.

[The blush is instant, spreading from cheeks to the tips of his ears, and he hung his head shyly]

But you don't even know me...

[Still, it can't be said that he dislikes the praise]

[Crowley pretends he doesn't notice the blush, giving an idle shrug. ]

Maybe I do, doesn't matter either way, it's still true.

[Experience has taught him that compliments almost always come with an ulterior motive, so there's a cautious hunch of his shoulders to go with that blush, his fingers knotted unconsciously in the blankets of the bed]

What is it you want? Really?

From you? Nothing.

[His tone is honest enough. People have taken enough from him, he won't be one of them. ]

[It's not as literal as she's imagining, but to Felix what his brother offered was just as significant a sacrifice, though admittedly he had a penchant for the dramatic. It was a story he didn't like to tell often, in any case, but it's the genuine nature of her interest, coupled with the rules of the dream they're both caught in that makes him start to speak]

I imagine the part you want to know starts when we met the first time...[There's quite a bit that preceded that he skips over, and he hopes the details aren't what matters here. The framework of the question allows some obfuscation, but if she's to understand what happened, there is some he has to tell. Many of them are not his secrets, which is why he hesitates a long time before he continues.]

We had both fled the city in the wake of an...accident. A fire. Things were in chaos. It wasn't entirely chance when he found me. He'd been hired by another wizard who had been attempting to contact me for his own reasons...[That doesn't matter, and he waves the tangent away] Our kinship quickly became apparent.

But...my brother. He had been...an assassin. Not by choice, mind you, but he had successfully killed a prominent wizard in the Mirador some years prior. Which should have been impossible, because there are wards that would have killed him for trying. Apparently he'd only diverted the spell because coming into contact with us activated the curse again...and it started to kill him. Slowly.

I was ill at the time. No...not ill. Mad. I saw monsters everything I looked - some real and some not. That's how I knew the curse was on him. And I found a way to stop it again, but...doing that shattered most of what sanity I had left at that point. Somehow I knew that the place that could heal me of the affliction was in a placed called Nephele, though I could not comprehend the fact that it was across an entire country full of people who would either kill me for being a wizard or political rivals who would at best jail me as a spy. And then, across an ocean. I was insistent on going and Mildmay realized that short of locking me in a closet, there was nothing he could do. So he guided us both there, all the while I was at best useless and at worse a constant danger to us both, for no reason other than the fact that we were brothers...

[He pauses for a moment. Takes a deep breath. He hates the next part]

The boat we found passage on ran into a storm near the end of the journey. It...sank. I'm not sure how he managed to get us both onto a piece of flotsam but the wreck shattered the protective token I'd given him, and the curse took hold while we swam for the shore. It shattered his leg.

We both survived, of course, and were found on shore. They healed us both...but their care of Mildmay was...lackluster. They only saw him as a thug. A killer. And I was a fellow wizard who had only suffered at his hands. I did not realize the extend of the damage because even after I was well, I did not go to see him. Because I was ashamed, and I was afraid. Afraid to face all the holes in my memory and the horror that I lived. I discovered my mistake too late to correct their misconception. He was crippled permanently.

And that was really only the start of it. [He glances at the length of chain on the ground that bound him to the fox.]

I- I am so sorry.

[Those were the only words Wanda could think to utter at first. He had indeed shared with her quite the tale, and there was a lot that it gave to her to think about. Her poor understanding of his world, despite his efforts to teach her, made it difficult to fully understand the context of some of what Felix had told her. However, she could understand the general gist and certain key details of the story.]

It seems the two of you went through a lot for each other. Yet, you feel the most guilty, because of your brother's leg? And because you had been rendered unable to do more to help him as you both traveled?

In part, yes. I wasn't just unable to help, I was a hindrance. He would have had every right to leave me to my own devices. I don't think I would have blamed him for that. But also that ignoring him afterwards was the greatness unkindness I could have dealt him...at the time.

[There were far more after that, and many of them delivered with far more purpose that than first time]

His livelihood relied on his physical skill, so that injury cost him nearly everything he had left. Granted...had we not met...he would have died if I hadn't intervened. I imagine I would have ended up much the same way, but...[he makes a shrugging gesture]

[Wanda looks at Felix, her tone is calm and level. Yet, there is clearly a discernible desire coming for her to rely some kind of empathy, some shared understanding of what Felix is expressing.]

All of the "what if's" and "could have been's"... they will truly drag you down and hold you prisoner if you let them. You ignoring your brother... that was not you. You did not have complete control over yourself. It seems unfair to yourself to continue to harbor such guilt. I know it is easier said than done, to forgive oneself. It would be hypocritical of me to imply that I were capable of the same. Yet, even so... perhaps we have to try?

[His smile is sad in response. Not just because he has been trying, but because she's still missing so much of the picture. She doesn't know the ugliness he had once perpetuated on his brother. The monster he was capable of being.]

I know. And he did forgive me once...in another time...[Another chance Paradisa had given him. He glanced down at his fox-brother, smile strained, and the animal wagged it's tail in acknowledgement]

But it's easy to forget. It's easy to keep going through the catalog of my failures. I just...simply prefer when they don't hurt anyone but myself. But perhaps it's arrogant of me to assume that's possible.

[Wanda looks away for a moment in contemplation, before turning back to Felix. Her eyes looking a little more earnest and empathetic.]

I do not think it is arrogant or naive to hope for that. No good person wants to be the source of another's suffering. And it is not easy to ignore the feelings of guilt that come from hurting others through our own mistakes. Forgiveness or not... the mistake lies in perhaps not remembering our error, and not letting it drive us to become better people.

[He can see in her eyes that this message isn't just for him, and he remembers some of the regret he'd seen when she'd told him about what she'd done with her abilities. He judged her, then, and that only adds to the frisson of pain he feels. Being called a good person still felt like wearing a coat that didn't quite fit. Even after all he'd done in the years past, would it ever feel like enough?

There's something in his own eyes she might not have seen before; something shy and uncertain. He blinks it away, after a moment, and smiles again. This time, there's something more genuine in it.]

Thank you. It's something that needs reminding, now and again, I suppose.

[He draws in a steadying breath] You're welcome to stay for awhile.

[Wanda smiles back at Felix. A genuine warmth to her smile, before it becomes something a little more playful.]

Thank you. I think I will.

[She settles into the armchair a little further. Clearly content to enjoy her comfy seat by the fire.]

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Calibrations Spill-Over Post

Felix Harrowgate

for Robin

for Crowley

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for Wanda

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