gotta get down for a mingle

[redactions]

Who: The crew of the SS Heron and visitors.
Broadcast: nope.
Action: Aboard the SS Heron.
When: After returning to the ship.

[ finally back on the right ship, except the corridors are all mysteriously cold and the ship seems smaller. Thanks, Atroma. New crew, visitors, starters in comments ]

Comments

[mucked]

I've never before heard anything quite so foolish. [ stiff -- and embarrassed, really -- she tugs at her sleeves. she does anything (it seems) but allow herself to feel the full force of affection and good faith that jim's confession truly inspires.

she wrangles each of these feelings and she tamps them down tight. ]

What a ludicrous reason to keep with any organization. [ she announces, more than a little aware of how hypocritical it sounds. after all, why else did she relocate to new york except to lead by a dead man's example? ]

[redactions]

Would it help if I said there were plenty a'French dames?

[ He waggles his eyebrows, suggestively. He doesn't need to remind her of the value of having or keeping faith (he'd laugh if he heard it from himself, anyway, when he lost his own in the War) and the person who carried their belief with him on the front line. ]

[mucked]

-- Bless their little Gallic hearts. [ idle chatter. it's the sort of sly remark that buys time and builds armour. her soul and intellect still reels from the barrage of bombshells left at her fingertips. she curls her fingers into jim's. shield! were she not a creature in better control of herself, she might've wept. instead there's a twitch in her jaw.

there's power in names, and more power still in being the sort of person positioned to give a name. what, she wonders, does that make her? and what happened to the s.s.r.? ]

Jim. [ a soft sigh. ] What you said -- your warning about Zola being kept alive. Was that a call I made?

[ mucked, it sounds like. ]

[redactions]

I don't know, [ he says, soft, and honest. In the end that's all he's ever had for her. ] I didn't get to that section of the files; I was workin' my way through 'em. Just know — you would have been in a position to decide. And whatever you or the others thought was needed, Peg, I don't think it was worth the cost.

[ Jim doesn't want to tell her how to run her own organisation or save the world when she's carried it by herself for so long, but he can't abide by Zola being alive, let alone safe in SHIELD's hands. ]

[mucked]

[ gently -- and oh, ever so carefully -- she withdraws her hand from his. it's not a rejection of his censure, because she does feel his concern is reasonable. but rather she suddenly feels a lot smaller than she ever perceived herself capable of feeling. to be discounted and underused by the new york office is one kind of slight, but to suddenly feel helpless in the face of her future actions?

agony. thinking on this pain, she pretends to straighten a curl. ]

Which others? [ her voice is strained, but polite. what's worse, perhaps, is the way in which she finds herself confronted by every other possibly ill-made decision. ]

[redactions]

[ He lets go; hovers just outside her personal space. ]

Don't do this, [ soft, nearly pleading. The list of causes for which he'd plead is empty, the list of people fewer, but this, this costs him nothing. ] it was just you, saving the world, and the rest of us goin' about coolin' our heels, [ he swallows. there's a reason he deliberately never survived the War and it stings now ] ain't no way you wouldna done everything you could. Ain't no way. So don't do this to me.

[mucked]

[ she recalls the hard advice she'd given steve in the wake of bucky's death -- that if he loved his friend, he would not take upon his shoulders all the blame for a risk that was, ultimately, bucky's to take. but who else can she blame but herself for risks not-yet-taken?

he pleads with her to reconsider some future decision, and then pleads with her not to take the responsibility so heavily into her hands. and peggy feels torn between the two. but for his sake, she nods. ]

But it wasn't just me, was it? Whose advice are you cautioning me against?

[redactions]

[ He doesn't know who whispers in her ear. That's the bottom line: she's alone. Phillips is a good man but he sees the War first. Howard sees the future in every weapon he builds over the century; to Jim he is too much of an unknown to be trustworthy. She was with them all throughout the worst days of the War, and she goes on alone. ]

Whoever persuades you that making certain compromises is necessary. You and I both know what compromise is, Pegs, we did a hell lot of it, and it's followin' us. Some things, you gotta do. It's just [ he exhales ] hard, sometimes, when it ain't clear what's worth the cost.

[mucked]

[ not alone -- never quite alone. but she doesn't breathe words about mister jarvis: not yet, and not to anyone. he remains a certain sort of secret. like a confidential informant, too precious to risk. ]

Jim. [ ... ] Will I even remember any of this conversation?

[ she doubts it. ]

[redactions]

I don't know.

[ It feels like a helpless refrain. ]

I'm willing to take the chance.

[mucked]

[ a hum. after the initial shock, she's beginning to regain some of her trademark stiffened upper lip. ]

Then I suppose it's only appropriate to risk it, myself, as well. [ the pie, its dregs, and its accomplishment, are all forgotten. ] For the future's sake.

[redactions]

[ He stifles a sound that might be a laugh. ]

Sorry, that got depressin' real fast. It's on me.

[mucked]

You've been holding it in for a while. [ she tilts her head. ] I'm the one who didn't ask sooner. We'll share the blame.

[redactions]

Least it's out in the open.

Would you like another slice? I could do with somethin' warm.

[mucked]

As delicious as it is -- [ she shakes her head ] -- I think I'm rather off my appetite, now.

[redactions]

All right. Should I pack some?

[mucked]

Yes, thanks. [ but she at least busies herself with some moderate clean-up. standing (stiffly) from the table and collecting both their plates. ] And a piece for Howard's son, as well, if you don't mind. I could use a means of ingratiating myself with him.

[redactions]

Hm, if he's anything like the one I know, homemade pie won't do it. I'll get ya somethin', don't worry. [ a beat. ] You're prob'ly not gonna like the smell, just sayin'.

[mucked]

-- Dare I ask what?

[redactions]

A grilled cheeseburger. Nearest I can approximate.

[mucked]

[ bugger, but he knows her too well. the simple thought makes her nose twitch with anticipated disgust. ] Burgers -- oh, blimey. What a perfectly horrid way to ruin a good piece of beef.

[redactions]

[ He snorts, close to laughter. ]

Wait til you hear his music. If it can even be called that.

[mucked]

If the future can be changed, that ought to settle somewhere nearish the top of the list: encourage Howard not to raise his son like some sort of barbarian.

[ she doesn't dislike tony -- not really. but at least howard had possessed a sensible charm and courtesy instilled in him by his decade. ]

[redactions]

Sorry, I'm kinda busy coolin' my heels for that one.

[ He smiles, a little helplessly. ]

[mucked]

A burden for my own shoulders, then. [ a huff. a sigh. a roll of her eyes. ] Right after I slug him for five or six other offences. He...

[ it almost tumbled out -- naturally, easily. but she reins herself in. ] Sorry. Shop-talk. Not always welcome, and decades in the dust for you -- now.