driftfleet | mingle part deux

[Perhaps one of the things that bothers Beverly most is seeing kids who have had to grow up too fast (No doubt most of them would object to being called kids but it's not a slight, not coming from her). Not that she doesn't believe they aren't capable of handling it: as a child who grew up a little too fast herself, she knows that they are. It's simply that she wishes they didn't have to.

Gently:]

Tell me what you're most worried about her doing here.

{ that is a loaded question.

zuko isn't afraid of azula killing him, because he's had to live with that reality, and he knows that he can defeat her. he knows katara, toph, and sokka can all defend themselves amply, and he knows the blue fish is extraordinarily protected.

really, all of his worry and fear is steeped in azula remaining exactly the way she is now. in control. ]

... snapping.

[ it's said finally, his tone quiet, but with great weight. ]

Going insane, and having my father showing up here, and taking advantage of it.

[ azula is ozai's pawn, just like zuko used to be. if ozai shows up, there is no reaching azula. ]

[And so we reach Day 300 of “God I Really Wish Deanna Was Here.” Beverly doesn’t know all the details, but she can guess at enough of them: a power hungry ruler, determined to wipe out all other threats - in this case, other Benders - raising his children to follow in his footsteps. It’s a situation ripe for emotional abuse. And then to have Azula thrown into a world she doesn’t know at all, where her status means nothing... it’s no wonder Zuko is concerned. Destroying her image of home could be disastrous.]

I see.

[And she does, maybe more than Zuko can realize. After all, isn’t she doing a similar thing with Tek? Trying to make sure he feels safe and unthreatened, so that he doesn’t lash out at her or the people she cares for?]

Are there any warning signs I should be on the lookout for, something that might hint that she's becoming less stable?

She'll try to kill me.

[ it's said automatically, a bit tiredly, but... well. it's the first thing that pops into his head, and he draws in a breath before continuing. ]

-- right now, she thinks I'm loyal to my family, and that my father is going to win the war against the resistance and the Avatar. She still wants to talk to me, and see me...but --

[ zuko pauses, trying to figure out whether or not to go into that much detail, before he decides -- fuck it. azula is already spilling his life story to everyone on the network. may as well keep going. ]

After I defected, she said she wanted to celebrate being an only child.

[ it's said a bit shrewdly, which is probably just a sign of how used to azula he is. ]

But she didn't start slipping until her friends betrayed her, and she lost the war. She doesn't know that part yet, but she'll figure out I defected soon -- if she hasn't already.

[At that admission, Beverly blanches. Not only at the idea of Azula trying to kill her own brother, but also at how almost… matter-of-fact he is about it. In fact, that’s probably more troublesome to her in some ways. He clearly has deep emotional scars that she is only barely equipped to handle - much less tackling whatever is going on with Azula herself. Were they in another place - if they had access to a support network like Starfleet, access to psychologists and law enforcement and everything else - there’s so much more she could do for them. But they’re not. They’re all each other has, this ship is his support network.

So:]

Is there anything, specifically, you need me to do? Because we're not going to let it get to that point.

[ there's an inward cringe at beverly's sudden paleness, and zuko curses inside his head as beverly talks. it's difficult, talking about this with people who aren't from his world. sokka, toph, and katara just know about azula, and know that azula would love his head on a platter if it meant having an easier time of conquering the galaxy. there's no need to be delicate about it, or sensitive, but he forgets that not everyone has that... luxury. is it even a luxury? ]

... I didn't mean to be so blunt.

[ it's said first, before zuko can respond to her question. ]

It's just... -- my family isn't... normal.

[ which is an achievement in and of itself for him to say, considering how long he spent trying to force himself into that mold. ]

Azula has committed crimes that she needs to atone for, and she's paying for them at home. She wouldn't think twice to kill me, or Sokka, Toph, and Katara, if it meant she could get ahead. She's not... she's not normal. And my world is a lot safer without her being in charge, or my father.

[ he draws in a breath ]

... but I need everyone to understand that she's my sister, and I'm going to be the one to deal with her, if I have to. That's all I need.

[ zuko won't tolerate a witch hunt, and he won't stand for azula being killed. this is family business. zuko is going to be the one to deal with it. ]

Zuko...

[She's making a very Concerned Mom face at you right now. Judging from what she has heard about their world, she's willing to bet psychology as a field is still in its infancy. So it's difficult to know how to approach this, especially when her dealings with psychology are on the medical side of things, only after Deanna or another counselor has diagnosed someone and requested her help.]

I don't... I can never claim to know what you are going through or what you have been through, but I do understand what you mean by "not normal." In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to be resposible for her. But, that's not where we are, I get that too and I am not going to try to tell you the best course of action. However, I hope you know that just because you're the one dealing with this doesn't mean you're alone in it.

[ he knows that, logically. he knows he's not alone, and he knows sokka, katara, and toph are on his side. he knows that he won't have to deal with this alone, and he knows that he would be stupid to think that. and even now, in addition to the people from his world, he has his friends within the fleet. and those on the blue fish.

but... ]

I know I'm not alone.

[ finally -- and he means it. ]

But it doesn't change the fact that my family is the reason why my friends have lost their own family, or their homes -- or why they got involved in a war. And it doesn't change the fact that Azula is my sister, and...

[ zuko falls quiet for a moment, struggling to put what he feels into words. but there's not really any available -- ]

I'm not the only one that my father failed. But I can't expect my friends to feel that way. They have every right to hate her, and I can't expect them to work to defend themselves, but defend her, at the same time. It wouldn't be fair, or right.

[ azula is zuko's burden, and that's that. ]

So if I have to be the bridge to stop Azula being annoying from becoming Azula killing people, then I can do that. That's my responsibility, and my duty. As her brother, and as the new Fire Lord. Even here.

[I'm not the only one that my father failed. She's glad he said it, that he can recognize that. It's not an excuse for whatever crimes Azula has perpetrated in the past, nor should it absolve her of paying for those crimes, but it's important, for his own sake, that Zuko can see how they happened.

She nods slowly at what he's saying, then is quiet for a moment after, her expression serious and thoughtful. Finally:]

If we could find a way to help Azula, not only keep her in check, would you want that?

[ zuko immediately inhales at that question, quietly -- a reflex, defensive, and he immediately looks away.

it isn't as if he hasn't considered it, because he has. but zuko can't think of a way to help her. what help could he possibly give? ozai falling from power means the only stable crutch azula has in her life is zuko, and what kind of crutch is that? it isn't as if zuko isn't a mess, too. zuko lost both of his parents too, but zuko recognized that ozai didn't love him. zuko isn't sure if azula ever has.

but she's still his sister, and zuko doesn't know whether or not he loves her, but he doesn't hate her. he can't, really, without hating himself too, and zuko is trying to banish hatred and anger from his heart as much as he can. dwelling on everything awful azula has done will only poison him further, but there's not much good to dwell on either.

i'm sorry it has to end this way, zuzu.
no, you're not.

he draws in another breath suddenly, but this one shudders, like zuko has to force it in, and he speaks before he can really think about what he wants to say -- ]

I could have killed her, but I didn't.

[ it's muttered, and he draws in another breath -- a little more even, this time. ]

I spared her, but that doesn't mean she would've done the same to me. She was ready to kill me -- and kill Katara, just to get at me. And she doesn't regret any of it. If she found out now -- now, when she's sane, that she tried to do that? She wouldn't think anything of it. She'd be disappointed that she didn't succeed.

[ the pressure in his chest feels worse, and he draws in another breath. ]

I can't... help her, until she realizes that she hurts people. And she won't.

But you would, if you could.

[That's the important part.]

There are people - psychologists - in my world whose entire careers are centered around helping people with trauma and mental illnesses. One of my best friends is a psychologist and I have no doubt that there is someone out there, like her, who could help Azula. Not much comfort at the moment, I know, when there is no one like that here, but it's not impossible. So I only wanted to know, in case we ever did find other options, where you stood.

[ ... that much is news, and zuko listens quietly. it sounds nice, and it gives him some measure of hope, but -- ]

That would mean Azula would want help in the first place.

[ not disheartened. just a quiet fact. ]

I want to help her, but I can't help her unless she helps herself, first. And from where I stand, she just wants me dead.

I know... it's often difficult for someone to see they need help, much less ask for it. Unlearning the things you've been taught and working through the damage those things has caused takes a lifetime for some.

[She lets out a long breath and reaches for him again, just that gentle touch on the arm though she wants nothing more than to hug him.]

There's so much I wish I could do and I can't. But as long as I'm here, I will do what I can. You can always, always come talk to me.

All of you have done more than enough.

[ it's said quietly, and he doesn't shove away her arm, but he also doesn't return the motion either. it sounds a bit callous, but he genuinely means it -- he hadn't expected so much support, even if he logically should've seen it coming. ]

And I'll keep that in mind. -- about Azula, too.

[Beverly takes no offense, either at the statement or his lack of reciprocation for her gesture. Iroh sounds like one of the few people in his life to ever show Zuko genuine affection, until Aang. What’s so easy for her to give is not so easy for him to accept and she respects that. So, she steps back towards the door, giving him his space.]

I’m sure you need some time alone to process everything, so unless there’s anything else you think I should know, I’m going to head out now?

[ again, a silence, and zuko draws in a slight breath. ]

Thank you.

[ he means it, genuinely. ]

You're welcome.

[And with one last sympathetic glance, she's gone.]

mingle part deux

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