driftfleet | Chocolate-flavored Dessert Cream on the House

Chocolate-flavored Dessert Cream on the House

[The bunks are filling up, but the new faces just keep appearing!

Are you a travel-weary passenger having trouble keeping your crew roster straight? Perhaps you are a fresh new recruit, finding themselves dumped into a new (and much less shiny) home. Or, maybe you've been around for a little bit and just haven't bothered meeting the other weirdos on this ship yet--what is their problem, anyway?

Well, this is the place for you!

All new passengers from the last few Shuffles, especially those who haven't met their crews yet, are welcome to post starter-comments here to invite those living on and visiting your ship to come and interact. Newbies could be just arriving on the ship, busying around where others can find them, or you can offering multiple options for interaction--however you'd like to set up your thread is fine. Just make sure to include the name of your ship in the header, so your crewmates can easily find you!

Everyone else-- go meet those newbies! Whether they are new to your own crew, or on ships you frequently visit, now is a great time to bump into them.]

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[He looks far worse than he had on the Marsiva. Far worse. Is he doing so badly without her? Is he that apt to collapse without someone holding his hand? Asuka bites her lip until she feels like it's about to split in two, taking in the whole of him as if he's her latest defeat.]

[She's got to figure out how to stay on this ship. She has to take care of him. That's final. Irrevocable. Her face doesn't exactly soften, but her jaw relaxes, at least.]

Did you think I wouldn't make it here?

[Shinji didn't know what to think when he first arrived. At his lowest point, weeping bitterly in the bathroom, he believed both Asuka and Kaworu had abandoned him. That wasn't the case, obviously, obviously, what with their haste to drop everything and come straight here. His voice still splinters higher when he asks,] For me? Is that why? [He can't trust the poisoned well of his logic, so he has to ask. He has to be sure that she's here to be with him.

More than regressing, he feels like he's gone back to the day his father dumped him on the roadside. The hallway is dusty, too hot; he can't draw a breath for the fumes. His arm even hurts like he's been yanked out of the car in a hurry.]

Edited 2016-02-02 23:40 (UTC)

Moron.

[Succinct and to the point. He might have improved enough to use real sentences, but she's fine with offering monosyllabic responses in return until he gets his head together. Besides, what else could she really own up to? What else could she admit? He wouldn't believe her anyway.]

[So she advances, slowly and just a hair sideways, as if he's a feral cat she's trying to coax out.]

Don't act like you're scared of me. I'm not going anywhere.

Scared, huh... [Shinji isn't scared of Asuka. He's scared of everything, which happens to include Asuka by default. Out of everything, though, he's mostly scared of himself. If he's unwilling to look at her, it's because he's scared of what she'll see inside him. He must be a ticking time bomb. She should be cutting every last one of his wires and hoping for the best.]

You're not interested in your crewmates?

[In a sea of new people, there's a nonzero chance that Asuka will find someone, anyone, who's more worthwhile than Ikari Shinji.]

[Asuka just shrugs in reply. She hasn't tried all that hard to get to know the crew, though to their credit, they seem a little more lively than her Wunder shipmates. Most of the time, sh had been too sullen to interact, wondering about him, stuck somewhere else without her to take care of him. Fourteen years of stewing over him doesn't just erase itself, not when he's already fallen back so badly.]

They don't need me. I had to check on you.

[What Asuka is implying is obvious: Shinji needs her. Shinji would like to say he doesn't need her, or anyone, or anything at all. He would very much like to stand on his own two feet without extracting blood promises from his best friend and unnamed magnetism from--from whatever Asuka is. She might have been his friend, too, long ago, in a loose sense of the word. Anyway, he stays quiet and stares at the floor while she approaches him. He doesn't shrink back, but he doesn't come closer, either.]

I didn't make a good first impression with mine, [he confesses, his voice low, kept in between them. He's already imagining the crew's fear and loathing where none exists.]

Edited 2016-02-03 19:31 (UTC)

Oh, buck up, Shinji.

[He hasn't had time to make a really bad first impression yet, unless he had a panic attack as soon as he arrived, which isn't really as unlikely as she'd want it to be. The crew might see it as a reason to feel sorry for him, or they might see him as a liability-- she doesn't know. She'll have to find out about them, too. Right now, he's looking at the floor still as she advances, until she's standing right and front of him.]

Did you sleep yet? Eat?

[Up close and personal, it's easy to see that Shinji has been crying. It could be an improvement over unresponsive catatonia... One of Heron's small cleaning droids scoots on past them, probably searching for more vomit to clean up. Shinji watches it for a moment, then looks up and into Asuka's eye. Incredibly, even worryingly, he inserts himself into her personal space. He takes a step forward, still supporting himself on the wall. They're very close now.]

No, I haven't, [he murmurs, looking away again.] How long are you planning to stay here? [He heard her say not long or whatever, which makes him feel rotten all the way through. If he hadn't been a jerk to her, maybe she'd want to spend more time with him...]

Edited 2016-02-04 08:10 (UTC)

Then you should. [Asuka looks almost alarmed when he actually takes a step forward. Nothing about Shinji is ever confrontational, but she's so used to him shrinking back that even the smallest inching forward is a surprise.]

That depends on you.

[He's even looking her in the eye. It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable, because she knows he doesn't like doing it. That one eye is almost as bad as the patched one, isn't it? It's a reminder, too. Something else he can't face up to and doesn't want to see. He's just forcing himself, and that isn't any good.]

[His eyes are red from crying. Good, she thinks for a hateful moment, but then that dissipates.]

If you want me to leave, I'll go right now.

[Shinji can't fuck this up. He can't say something stupid, hurtful, or stupidly hurtful. Taking a deep breath, he looks at Asuka again; he focuses on what's familiar over what isn't. He says,] Eva only had five minutes of battery power. [That sounds like a weird non sequitur, but then he says,] Those five minutes could pass by in an instant. Sometimes, it could feel like even less than that.

[He swallows painfully. He's still looking at her.]

I don't want any more time limits. Do you? If you could stay... with me, if you could stay... as long as anything... would you do that?

That's not fair.

[It's her that's looking away now, staring first at his feet and then her own. The same, all the same as ever. Once she would've taken his words like some kind of romantic proposal, and some hateful part of her still sees seeds of attraction in his question, but now she mostly just feels flattened. It's not for her sake that he's asking. It's for his.]

You can't just push me away and then say things like that. It's not fair to me, Shinji.

[Shinji's lips quirk a little. He isn't smiling, but he's still looking at her. When have I ever been fair to you? he thinks. There's no upper bounds to how much of a bastard he can be.]

It's not an ultimatum. Do whatever you want. [His eyelids sink lower in thought.] Either way, you should know that Kaworu-kun is sticking around. [He says this quietly, with hardly any resolve. If he's learned anything in the past few days, it's that Asuka and Kaworu are not on good terms. They were on opposite sides of a war, after all...]

Don't pull that shit on me, Shinji.

[It's low. It's criminally low. The urge to backhand him just rises and rises until the only way she can overcome it, even a little, is to grab him by each shoulder and shove him up against the wall. She's picking him up before she realizes it, his toes dangling a full inch or more from the floor.]

[Beneath the patch, her eye's starting to glow blue.]

I'll stay if I want to. I'll go if I want to. You aren't hanging that Angel over my head. Got that?

[By the time Shinji is forced up the wall, his eyes just can't get any wider. They're warm, too, weirdly warm, but not from the threat of more tears.] As-- Asuka-- [Should he stay still? Should he struggle or call for help? He doesn't know what he's dealing with, even though some part of him knows exactly what this is. It's a colony of insects crawling under his skin. It's an endless song stuck inside his head. He can't look away from the glowing eyepatch. He can't. He can't. He can't.

He miraculously wrenches his eyes shut.] I said you can do whatever you want! [he exclaims, surprising himself.] You don't have to worry about me! You don't have to! That's what I'm trying to say!

Edited 2016-02-05 04:09 (UTC)

Liar! I know you! I know all about you!

[Because they're alike. For all her rancid exterior and his helpless one, they're alike. They don't know how to be good to people. They'd smash up any offered kindness or love and crush it underfoot.]

I fed you and you're treating me like shit!

[The blue gleam doesn't disappear, but it does flicker as she finally lowers him back to the ground. Her hands, still on his shoulders, are shaking. She could have snapped his neck so easily, battered him against the wall until he was nothing but mangled, twisted pieces to decorate the ship with.]

I don't deserve that. Do you hear me? I don't deserve that!

Edited 2016-02-05 04:59 (UTC)

[Again: there's no upper bounds to how much of a bastard he can be. Shinji is left a sniveling wreck in response, underscoring his renewed refusal to look at Asuka. He knows what makes her weak in the knees, and it's him. It's the idea of losing him. It's the source of the selfsame tension that existed between Asuka and Ayanami. And he's selfish. He wants all the attention he can possibly get. All of it. Just fucking all of it.

If he can't be good to her, he can at least be honest with her.]

I'm scared. That's-- Is that what you want to hear? I'm terrified. I don't know what's going on, or what's going to happen to me. So don't leave me alone. Please. Please, Asuka, don't go where I can't follow. [His voice gets smaller and smaller, until it's almost indiscernible from the ship's ambience.]

Edited 2016-02-05 05:07 (UTC)

[That's not what she wants at all. Him admitting he just doesn't want her to go, not because he likes her company, wants her there, but because he's afraid. It could be anybody in her place and he'd still be begging. Asuka's certain of that.]

[He'd shut his eyes when her own had begun to glow, that uncontrollable freakshow, courtesy Bardiel. That was indication enough. He's only stomaching her because besides Kaworu, he has nobody else. He's never really going to be able to face her. Her hands drop from his shoulders and she steps back, staring at the floor. She wants an apology, but she doesn't want to lower herself to asking for one. Her voice sounds empty, like a glass of sour ale spilled on the ground.]

I can't help being like this. [An exhale. She knows she's not really answering his begging at all.] I can't help the patch. I can't help what's happened to me. You-- you act like I-- like it's my fault I'm not the same.

[A testament to his fears, Shinji's hand snaps outward, finding hers. He grabs Asuka by the wrist tightly, then firmly. He doesn't want her to go. It doesn't matter what she's contaminated with or what she might have changed into.] You couldn't be more wrong, [he murmurs, glancing at her face.] It's my fault. They... Asuka, they did tell you what happened, right? Someone had to have told you. Everything that happened to you is my fault. I couldn't save you from the Angel, so my father... my father...

[Emerging from the fear, there's so much anger: black, bleak, grinding his teeth into dust. His father did something to trick Kaworu, too. If there's one benefit to being Atroma's slave, it's that his father doesn't seem to be involved.]

You don't know how glad I was to see you again. In spite of me, you're alive. It means... I have a chance to... get to know you, as you are. If you let me. If you don't hate me too much.

Edited 2016-02-05 21:11 (UTC)

They told me.

[If she hadn't been told, she would have probably murdered him herself. He'd sinned against her even though it hadn't been his fault. Necessary. It had been necessary to use the dummy plug system, otherwise the rampage would never have stopped-- otherwise--]

[Asuka twists her wrist too feebly to release his grip at all. Sickly, she realizes she doesn't want to break away from him. Touch is a good thing, a good thing she's been deprived up. Stop bringing it up. Stop bringing it up. Everything that happened to her is his fault. It ought to be Ayanami still suffering from mutations, not her, assuming the clone wouldn't have dissolved into sludge on contact with the Angel. It would have been Ayanami, except for Shinji.]

[It's all his fault and it's not his fault at all.]

I don't hate you, stupid. I never hated you.

[Even though Shinji insulted Asuka's eyepatch, even though she stormed away, she came back to him eventually. She helped him figure out where he was, and what he was doing aboard the Marsiva, along with Kaworu. If not for the both of them, he'd be in so much trouble right now. He'd probably be lying face down in a puddle of his own bodily fluids.

So, he's a complete and utter bastard, but she doesn't hate him. Which is pure nonsense. Girls can't seem to make an iota of sense.] I don't deserve you, [he mumbles, awash with fresh self-hatred. The angle of his fingers is starting to change--they're twining down, holding her hand properly now.] I'm the most useless human being. If you know what's good for you, you'll leave. Right now, you'll walk out of here... [Contrary to what he's saying, he's linking their fingers together, like true childhood sweethearts. They have never been sweet to each other. Just various levels of caustic and suffocating.]

Edited 2016-02-06 09:26 (UTC)

I won't.

[He's wrong, anyway. They deserve each other. She's no better than him for all she's been better to him lately. He ought to know that by now. It feels like an eternity, her breath catching slightly, before she lets her fingers curve and close around his hand in a gesture over a decade too late. Pushing her away and then tugging her tighter all over again. Her gaze lifts to his face again, finally.]

You know I won't. So don't say that anymore.

[Shinji doesn't know what to do with an Asuka who's being nice to him. (Relatively nice.) (She hasn't killed him yet.) That's why he can't decide if he should drive her away or draw her back in. Neither option seems particularly safe to him. Appearances aside, she's fourteen years older than he is. She's an adult, and he's still a child. A stupid little boy who isn't worth her time. He shouldn't trust anything an adult is telling him, but...]

Okay, then... [He relaxes into a sigh, squeezing her fingers.] Stay with me until you get sick of me. Until you can't stand the sight of me. And then stay a little bit longer than that.

Edited 2016-02-07 00:42 (UTC)

I'll stay.

[No qualifications. No anything. She doesn't dare squeeze his hand back, but she lets him hold it for a few seconds longer before pulling back, feeling weirdly, painfully nostalgic and impotent.]

Just get your act together.

[Shinji's hand goes back to hanging loosely at his side. Then, feeling restless, he tucks both hands into the pockets of his jacket. Other than this jacket, which he found discarded in one of Marsiva's supply closets, he only has an irrelevant plugsuit to call his own. And Asuka. And Kaworu, of course.

That's more than he had while staying with NERV. Kind of pathetic.]

Don't rush me, Asuka. It's a lot to deal with, and so suddenly. You can't tell me you've got it all figured out.

Edited 2016-02-07 03:09 (UTC)

You need rushing. The Angel's just going to coddle you. [Like with those sheets. Really? This whole time, Asuka's been trying to ignore the welling of guilt for not bringing Shinji anything.]

[Like a never-pleased child, she wants his hand back as soon as it's stuffed in his pocket. More and more, she's wanting the real touch of somebody's hand, without the plugsuit material muffling the sensation. Her voice is a little croaky.]

If there's no time limits anymore, that means you can get better. [I'll get you better.]

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