mk.02 (video)

[paraclete]

Who: Kaworu Nagisa, and anyone else.
Broadcast: fleetwide
Action: In the laundry facilities of the Heron.
When: The evening of 2/13.

[When Kaworu's video feed flips on, it looks like it's got a slight vibration to it. If you look closely, you might be able to tell why: he's sitting on top of a washing machine. He looks pretty content with things right now; the washer must be a comfortable perch, and he a pleasant bird, or a kid on a particularly shitty carousel. He's wearing one of the provided utility jumpers, in beige. The color frankly looks terrible with his natural palette, but he's content with that, too.]

Hi. [With that alongside his smile, he's off to a great start!] I initially arrived on the Marsiva a few weeks ago. It was an unexpected thing, but I've been thinking it must have been for the best. But, while I've been here with this fleet, I've also been able to talk to some of you. It's nice. Now, though, I have some questions of my own. I hope you'll answer, and we can get to know each other. [God, but he's earnest, huh? He doesn't really seem like the type of person to feel shame or social anxiety. Or, really, any sort of anxiety at all. That's not exactly true, but his composure is the stuff of legends.]

So, I'd heard that Valentine's Day is almost upon us. I'd explain for those who are still unaware, but I'm really one of the uninitiated myself. The holiday was an observable part of several cultures in the world I came from, but I hadn't had any experience with it personally. What I do know about it is that it's a day intended to celebrate love. [If he was pleased before, he's outright glad right now, perking up even further.] I really like that. That's mostly what I wanted to ask about: I'd be happy if someone could tell me more about the day and what all it entails. Love, I think, is one of the most wonderful things to be celebrated, and from what I understand, an individual is also meant to revel in the person they love on this day. I want to know what's expected of me for the person who is closest to my heart.

But I understand that there are those of you who don't celebrate the holiday, or who have never even encountered it. In that case, I'd like to know about your customs, as well. I want to learn about other days dedicated to the pursuit of love, and the actions a person may take in order to ensure that their lover knows they are loved. What's your favorite way to convey your love? What's your favorite way to relish in the feeling? Will you tell me?

[He's got the face of a teenager, so maybe he's just hormone-addled or something like that, but with his tepid voice and the calm of his eyes, it could be... that he's really... really serious about all this. Maybe a little too serious. Finally, he says,] Thanks for your time. [He means that just as much.]


[And, Heron, he's playing hooky from the Vanquish again. If you find him sitting atop the little washing machine, please don't be too angry at him for hogging it; he's doing laundry for two. At any rate, he's still treating the Heron like it's his home away from home. You've probably seen him around a little too much. He doesn't crowd the Heron's bunks, at least — he can never be found sleeping. He's just ever-present.]

Comments

[paraclete]

Hi. How are things on your ship? [Either he's genuinely interested in her crew's well-being, or he's being passive aggressive. One is about as likely as the next, so it's up to Shikinami to decide. But he does look pleased with himself, so...]

Don't you agree that loving a person comes with a certain amount of responsibility? I do have a person I love. [God, he says it like he's not the most obvious fucking person in the galaxy. At this point, it's some weird sort of open secret, it seems. He hasn't been frank about it at all.]

[interstices]

Fine. You don't know how your crew's doing, do you? You don't even care.

[Asuka scrubs the soap off her face with a towel, if belatedly. Her sour expression hasn't shifted an iota. This isn't mature and it isn't sensible, but his very presence is the best outlet for her aggression she's found. Particularly when it's so well-deserved.]

You've overstepped your responsibility a long time ago.

[paraclete]

[On a breeze, Kaworu pretty much confirms it: ] They were doing just fine before I came here. [Even if they weren't... Yes, that would be sad, but there are more important things to tend to.

Still, as airy as Kaworu wants to be, Shikinami's really good at stinging.]

I don't believe you understand the breadth of my responsibility, Shikinami-san. I'm sure you have your own necessities to think about.

[interstices]

You're taking over my responsibility.

[Throwing the gauntlet never felt so dissatisfying. This isn't like Eva piloting, where, despite her utter lack of depth perception, she'd always torn in guns blazing, stomping past every odd that came her way. No matter what she does here, Asuka's at a desperate disadvantage.]

[paraclete]

Excuse me?

[Kaworu is this close to laughing outright. Shikinami's perseverance would be wholly endearing, if it were applied to any situation but this one. But where was this manner of fight when Katsuragi was in control? Kaworu's a big believer in forgiveness, sure, but he's not going to forget anything. Shikinami's attempts at stabilizing Shinji have been appreciated, but Kaworu's not sure that he trusts her with the endgame.]

It's just that I'm willing to do what's necessary, [he says politely.]

[interstices]

And I'm not, is that it?

[He's about to start laughing at her. Asuka inhales, exhales, and mentally counts to three in German. She's too old for this. She's too old to go into a rage because an idiot of an Angel refuses to take her seriously.]

You're ruining everything. You're making him dependent!

[paraclete]

[Quietly comes some cloud cover. His expression darkens — it's not thick, but it's noticeable, with as glad as his countenance generally is. That gladness really takes a beating when Shikinami is around. She's beginning to sap him.]

I only offered him hope and friendship. It's not my fault that no one else did.

[interstices]

You don't know what I offered him!

[It's not worth it to berate him. It's like trying to keep a jack-in-the-box from popping open. Sooner or later, it'll spring back to life unwanted and unneeded. At least he looks a little hurt for now, even if he pops right into place again momentarily.] Don't be so smug! Don't act like you're the only one who ever gave him anything!

[paraclete]

At this point, it doesn't matter what you offered him, or what I offered him. Neither of us made him happy. Our failures matter more than our good intentions, because they're all we could deliver. It doesn't matter that I was trying to do the right thing; you hate me anyway. And whatever you were trying to do— [His eyes drop, then raise again. He's sizing up her onscreen image.] That's inconsequential, too. [No, he doesn't hate her. But it's hard to sit at Shinji's side with her just inches away.]

Only one thing is more important than my failures: the fact that I am going to try again. And because I'm going to try again, I'm going to get it right. I made a mistake, Shikinami-san. Haven't you done that before as well?

[interstices]

[Asuka stares, stunned and stung, at his image. Her stupid eye is burning beneath the patch, starting to glow through it. Self-control is one of the many lessons that fourteen years as a pilot never taught her.]

You're already dead. You had your chance to get it right.

[Good intentions. Good intentions like substituting for Ayanami, who was just a substitute herself for a woman nearly thirty years gone now. Caring about Shinji had led her directly into a coma. She hadn't lost her head, but she'd felt stripped of everything else by the time she'd been cleared from the hospital, patched and pathetic and determined, no, hellbent on not getting replaced, hellbent on proving her worth. Her other eye's just a narrow slit, mouth a thin, but wobbling line.]

Now you're just in the way.

audio, private.

[astrobleme]

Asuka.

[One word. One word for the sum total of his frustration, horror, and grief over seeing Asuka and Kaworu fighting each other. Again. Because of him. Couldn't they at least learn to use the private message function...?!]

audio, private.

[interstices]

Shinji--

[Shit. Asuka hesitates for a bare second before snapping out--]

This isn't about you. This is between me and him.

audio, private.

[astrobleme]

[In the lowest of low voices:] Do you know what I hate?

audio, private.

[interstices]

I can guess.

audio, private.

[astrobleme]

Adults.

Adults who lie to me, or refuse to tell me what's going on. Adults who... think they know what's best for me. Who give me bullshit ultimatums. Who are just trying to control me. Trying to use me.

Right now, you sound like one of those adults. You and Kaworu-kun.

[paraclete]

[It's probably frustrating, but Kaworu isn't going to let being dead leave a dent in him. He's had his chance, yeah. He's had a lot of chances. But, here and now, he's got at least one left. He doesn't acknowledge Shikinami's bullseye. He doesn't even acknowledge Bardiel's mark. None of that matters when seated next to the responsibility Kaworu's been given. He's the only one who can try and try again. He's the only one who can put so much into this effort. It's got to pay off, right? Kaworu's so tired, and he's tried so many different things. His soul has been endeavoring beyond all reason, but surely this will lead to rest. More than that, it will lead to Shinji's happiness. Absolutely...

But Shinji's private message has humbled Kaworu down to his very roots, so he no longer has it in him to be snide at Shikinami. He's deeply quelled when he says,] You and I are going to have to find some middle ground. I'd like to think that with a little practice, neither of us will get in the other's way.

video --> audio

[interstices]

[Kaworu gets a second's view of Asuka's crimson, crumbling face before she fumbles to swap to audio. She can't think so straight anymore. She can't fling barbs sharp enough to pierce anywhere close to his heart. All she can do is scream at him. Make just the scene Shinji so rudely interrupted. She's not so starved for Shinji's attention she'll stoop to that again. Her voice is quiet, on the verge of hoarse.]

I don't want to talk to you.

[paraclete]

[In this moment, despite their heated bites at each other before, Kaworu pities her. Or it could be that he sympathizes with her. Just from that glimpse of her face, he can tell that Shinji probably said something to her, too. It's a pretty bad feeling. So he takes mercy on her, and switches to voice himself. He wouldn't want to see himself, either.]

You don't have to talk to me right now. But it's going to need to happen at some point, if we're both going to stay with him. It's not for your sake or for my sake. I don't care about either of those things. It's...

You know what it's for.

[interstices]

You don't care about anything but him.

[Flatly. Dully. She clears her throat several times in succession. She feels like a wretched animal that hasn't even gotten the dignity of licking its wounds in private. No, the victor has to gloat.]

[Except Nagisa isn't gloating, and she knows it.]

That's why he's all over you. You can have him, all right? Go away.

private.

[paraclete]

Shikinami-san... [He says her name so tenderly, like a mother cradling her child in a frightening night. There, there. It's going to be all right.

Then he sets the function of their conversation to private. All that sweetness drops out of his voice like frost killing flowers.]

If you abandon him for your own comfort, you're the lowest of the low. But you already know that, don't you?

Do what you want. I'll do what I have to.

audio, private.

[astrobleme]

Kaworu-kun.

[One word. Again, it's one word to express how tired and disappointed he is with Kaworu and Asuka. The laundry room discussion went as well as could be expected, but what he's witnessing now goes beyond the pale. If he had any sort of appetite, it's been obliterated; he won't be eating this peanut butter gel.]

[paraclete]

[Kaworu is quiet for several lengthy moments. If he were a great deal younger, he might insist, SHE STARTED IT. But, now lacking in youth, he has the grace to feel ashamed, if only because it crushes him to hear Shinji's disappointment. He should be better than this, and he knows that. The gap between Shinji's message and Kaworu's response is time Kaworu spends reflecting on what an idiot he is.

Oh well. He can't ignore Shinji, of course.]

Hello.

[He's hushed and cringing.]

[astrobleme]

[... well, it sounds like Kaworu has some semblance of self-awareness.]

Hi.

[Shinji exhales. Every so often, he forgets to do that.]

You're giving her exactly what she wants. You know that, right?

[paraclete]

[No, Kaworu wants to say, she wants you. That's scary. It's really, genuinely scary to think that someone else could come along and manage what Kaworu couldn't. The fear doubles at the thought of Shikinami being the victor. She opposes Kaworu's approach in almost every way. If she were to do the thing that Kaworu's been unable, it would mean that everything about Kaworu has been completely pointless and wrong.

He's already had enough of feeling like that.]

She wants a great deal, it seems.

[astrobleme]

I know. She's very... [Surprisingly diplomatic, Shinji says,] She's an all-or-nothing kind of person, I guess. In a way, I'm glad she's still... the Asuka I remember, even though she isn't, not really. But, uh...

You're irreplaceable. That's what I need you to remember. Okay?