driftfleet | ∞ 007

[There's a long pause before Wanda speaks again. Her mellow tone of voice cracks somewhat on the last word.]

We were... dating.

[It's worse that he imagined, and instantly he's cursing himself on the inside for missing something like that. All the more because it was partly because he was wrapped up in his own relationship. The irony is a sharp stab alongside the sympathy]

I see. I didn't...I didn't realize. [He glances at his hands] How long?

About two months.

[She says it flatly, realizing it probably doesn't seem like a long time for anything special or anything meaningful. She doesn't say anything about it being her first real relationship with a boy, nor does she say anything about what their time together, Souji and Wanda, truly meant to her. The connection that came from finding someone who has lost loved ones, too, and yet still struggles onward, believing that life is still worth living.]

[The truth doesn't matter. It's all in what it meant to her, which seems to be quite a bit deal, and privately Felix wonders when he got so jaded that this kind of heartbreak is a common tale. One he's seen play out and been a part of both.

Sighing, he lifts a hand to his chest, absently feeling for the pendant tucked under his shirt as he considers what to say]

You that as if you expect me to criticize you, but I wouldn't. I know what it feels like.

[Wanda softens at Felix's words.]

I- I am sorry. I did not mean to snap at you.

You didn't. And I wouldn't fault you if you did. I'm not, despite appearances, completely heartless. [There's a sadness to that statement because he's sure she doesn't think so. She's seen past some of his surface, but only some.]

Would you mind I shared something with you?

[Wanda does look a little hurt, ashamed that she might have given Felix the impression that she views him as "heartless." Though, when he asks his question of her, she looks at him a bit surprised by the offer.]

Not at all.

[There's a lot of topical ground to cover when it comes to heartbreak and love. Many of that was caused at his own hands, and probably won't help her. It's the trials when applied to places like the Fleet that are maybe the most relevant to her. Even his stories of success were simply tragedies in the making, but tragedies he continued to play his part in willingly.]

I'm not sure if I told you that this is not the first world, other than my own, that I have been taken to. The details don't matter right now, but suffice it to say it was much like this in that it was ruled by a power far out of our reach and that people came and went like the passing of the sun. People you often, inevitably and without intention, come to care about. [He hesitates a moment, because even saying it indirectly makes his heart beat a little too fast] Or love.

I was there for over four years. I saw it happen to other people. Over and over. Old loves rekindled or new ones started only to be snuffed out at their zenith. I attended a number of weddings, even, only to discover that only days or weeks later, one of them had vanished. Granted, Paradisa thrived on emotion, and tearing apart that kind of bond was the best way to provoke it.

[He drew in a breath, because that still made his blood boil a little. He stares down at his hands as he so often did as the subject took a more personal turn] I was lucky, in one sense. Someone I came to love was there with me until the end, and when we parted we parted as friends, and of our own choice. However...[He bites his lip, fingers flexing in his lap, and the slight bite of the rings on his joints helps him focus]...I was also not immune to that fate. I lost friends. I gained and lost my brother. But the worst was Gideon. We were lovers, before I came to be in Paradisa. I lost him before that, out of my own foolishness, and then he was murdered. Naturally, of course, while I was finding happiness with someone else, is when he walked back into my life. [His voice is thick with bitterness and sorrow and regret, because he still regrets what comes next]

I was torn into two directions and ultimately...ultimately I chose to try to make up for what I'd lost, and in so doing shattered what I'd spent over three years, at that point, building. Not even a month after I'd taken that path...taken the chance to make up for what I'd done and what I had failed to say...and then he was gone. Ripped out of my life for a second time and I had nothing left to show for it.

[There's far, far more that bears telling. A point to be made that isn't made entirely fatalistic. But the wound is sufficient that he needs more than just a moment before he can make it]

[Wanda doesn't know what to say. Felix had opened up to her before, about Paradisa, and even his home. However, he had never shared so much like this before. So much pain, so much heartbreak. The emotions ebbing from him naturally being felt by Wanda, causing her to tear up again herself. She cannot give voice to anything. There doesn't seem to be anything to say to possibly convey how much sympathy she feels towards her friend right now. So instead, she remains silent, but not idle.]

[She moves closer to him. Tentatively, of course. Allowing him to pull back, if he so desires. She reaches an arm out, extending to rest her hand upon his shoulder. It is the only thing she can think to do. The only gesture capable of conveying some measurable sort of empathy. A gesture that she hopes will show her willingness to support him, her desire to comfort him.]

[He doesn't move away. Doesn't flinch. More because he's afraid to rebuff her than because he needs the assurance. However, it doesn't hurt.

He draws in a shaky breath and turns his head to look at her. His pain is relevant, but it's hers that needs acknowledging. It's the point of all this.]

I am telling you this not just because I know what you are experiencing, but because you should know. This sort of thing? It will keep happening. No relationship lasts forever, but in places like this? The Fleet? It often ends far more abruptly. And sometimes...sometimes they come back and don't remember you at all. It's perhaps the worst possible scenario that I never had the misfortune to experience, but again, I saw it happen more than once...

But...[He raises a hand, as if to touch hers where it rested on his shoulder, though he can't quite follow through on the motion. It hangs there, palm upward, trying to reach for the words he wants]...it is also because of these places that you have the chance to meet people you would never have had the chance to know. People separated from you by worlds, or time, or death. You may even get a second chance. Or you may not. There are always risks, and sometimes they are worth it.

[Wanda's eyes follow his arm, watching his hand hanging in the air, palm up. Together, they both look as if they are seeing something invisible, sitting in Felix's hand. Neither looking confused, only somber and yet comfortable in their shared sadness. Wanda does give his shoulder a light squeeze, and lightly wraps her arm around to his opposite shoulder, embracing him. However, her grasp is loose, easily allowing Felix to pull away, if he chooses.]

[There is a moment of silence as she contemplates his words. What he's shared with her about his own experiences, and what he has said about the nature of relationships in places like the Fleet and Paradisa. Eventually, when she does speak, her tone is soft, questioning.]

What is better then? To cut one's self off completely from others, or to allow for heartbreak?

[She does not sound angry or upset, purely searching for an answer that she does not fully expect Felix to be able to give. Yet, nonetheless, the words tumble from her mouth. She wants to hear them out loud, rather than purely as echos in her own head.]

[It's harder to give in to the embrace than the simple touch, but he waits until she speaks again to pull away, turning aside of the bed to face her more directly and hopes she doesn't take that part personally. He's doing his best.]

I can't say there is any such thing as 'better', Wanda, but...I'd rather suffer that pain than be hollow instead. Besides, every time we seal one of those doors inside us...they win.

[It's a smaller war to wage than some might choose to fight when it came to their captors, but the one that Felix had not long ago decided was the most important.]

[Wanda shows no signs of being hurt or offended by Felix pulling away. Understanding that such signs of affection might be uncomfortable for him, as they do not come all that naturally to her either. Her hands return to her lap, as she adjusts her seating to better face Felix herself.]

There is a certain... bliss to being numb.

But it is not a way to live. I am tired of this pain, but I know it only comes losing something that brought me great joy. If being numb means never feeling pain but also never feeling that joy, then I am not willing to take that path either.

[She gives Felix a small, sad grin. For all her talk, she still feels that hole inside, and knows that it will always be there. Yet, she inwardly acknowledges that she will not let it cripple her. It has not before, and it will not now.]

[He returns the expressed, burdened by the same realization and the guilt that he had found momentary happiness where she was now deprived.]

Precisely. It's one of the few battles we have left to fight, and one we are all fated to lose, but I wouldn't bend to it even if I were here a lifetime. [Which is a thought he tries not to linger on]

There are some other ways to find that kind of bliss, though not all of them I would recommend, or for long. Trust me, I understand the temptation. [He smiles ruefully, thinking of vices he'd left behind and others he had not]

I'd be happy to treat you do a drink. [He doesn't expect miracles. He doesn't expect one conversation would bring her out into the light, but maybe it would help her find out where that was.]

[A more warm grin finds its way onto her face, even eliciting a short giggle from her.]

Not too long, yet you still offer to treat me to a drink.

I may just take you up on that.

[His answering sound of amusement and accompanying smile is a bit weary. Telling people things like that often left him feeling oddly detached]

I believe I have a small cache in my room for emergencies such as this, if you would like.

How prepared of you.

[She giggles a little more, before nodding her head. She gestures for Felix to lead the way.]

I'm a regular survivalist at this rate.

[He says over his shoulder as he climbs the ladder back to the hallway. It's only a few quick strides of his rather long legs from there to his own room. He doesn't wait to see if Wanda follows, but moves efficiently to searching through his closet. Among a few bundles of spare jumpsuits - which Felix believes is a far better use for them - he extracts two bottles]

Do you prefer the standard red or...green. It's best not to ask about the latter.

[Wanda lags just a tad behind, but comes enters the room as Felix turns with his glasses.]

Red, please.

[In a way this helps him get himself together a little, even if Wanda hadn't been able to tell he'd been close to having more of his mask slip than he would have liked. It isn't his rooms in the Mirador, but entertaining a friend is a decent way to pretend]

Before you ask, I assure you I am not a lush.

[He paused, briefly, to locate the glasses he'd stashed in a his locker, and cleared his throat.]

That is to say, there's often little else to do. Is there any other subjects you'd like to discuss?

[Something other than heartbreak, for starters]

[That gets a giggle, and a small snort from Wanda. She feels as though she's getting to see several different sides of Felix today.]

It had never even crossed my mind.

Discuss... well, it has been some time since we each have joined the Fleet. Perhaps some reminiscing?

It has, hasn't it? [He smiles thinly, still a trace warily despite, or maybe because of, his earlier bout of honesty.]

Time seems so much harder to measure here.

It does.

[She gives a slight nod of her head, but her expression takes on a fairly similar look to the one on his own face.]

Sometimes it seems like no time has passed. Other times, it seems like an eternity.

∞ 007

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