driftfleet | March Mingle Madness (aka SURPRISE it's another mingle)

[ and that? that shakes the foundation under her feet even more. nevermind the jealousy: every bit of that is gone. sure, katara's mother is gone, but at least she and sokka had one who was willing to give up everything for her children. who did give it all up.

she knows there are two sides to every story, but that doesn't do a lot to stem the sudden rush of uncomfortable anger at a woman that she's never met.

no wonder zuko looks less than pleased about the news. ]

She never came looking for you, then?

[ quietly. it's a stupid question, but honestly? it's the most neutral thing she can think of to ask right now. ]

No.

[ but something in zuko feels the need to defend her, and he frowns to himself before continuing. ]

She lost her memories before I was exiled. She had no idea that I had been sent away from home, or that my father... [ well. did this to his face. he doesn't say it out loud, but zuko doesn't really need to. ] I had to go find her. Azula and I, and the rest of you -- we're the ones who found her. To force her to remember what she had lost. -- what she chose to lose.

[ he's trying to assign blame in a healthy way, but it's hard, to acknowledge that a woman you've put on a pedestal for so long chose to forget you, and leave you with someone who permanently disfigured you. ]

Azula tried to kill her, when she found out. And I should be angry over her for reacting that way, but I can't be.

[ finally, zuko has to move, and he unfolds his legs to hop down off the crate, so he can pace around. just a little. there's too much anxious energy in the air. ]

We were just supposed to -- take the throne, and that's it, but now Azula is nowhere to be found, and my father is imprisoned for life -- my mother and her new husband are happy, but I have a half-sister that I've never even met, and I'm supposed to be able to rule a country without having some kind of resentment --

[ but he stops, there, because now he's just word-vomiting, and he draws in a sharp breath. ]

How were either of us supposed to have a fair chance at turning out normal when neither of our parents wanted to be parents with one another the first place?

You're not. The odds were stacked against you from the start.

[ katara stands in place, watching him as he begins to pace. she doesn't know where to start, or if she even should at all. there's a wave of frustration at the fact that she isn't as far along in the timeline as sokka or toph or aang had been, that she's missing out on so much.

she huffs softly, finally glancing away, turning to look back at the dummy. ]

But a normal guy wouldn't have defected to help Aang, and a normal guy probably wouldn't be as good as firebending as you are. And a normal guy definitely wouldn't have lived a life half as interesting as yours. We like you the way you are, Zuko, so don't ever be upset that you're not normal.

[ this isn't the point, and she knows it isn't the point, but it's the part that she's focusing on for now - just because she's going to need a minute to really digest the rest of that. ]

I know that, and I know that everything happens for a reason, and maybe it was my destiny to go through everything that I have, to help the Avatar defeat the Fire Nation, but --

[ he's starting to word vomit, again, but this time, he doesn't really seem to be able to stop. ]

-- on the day of the solar eclipse, I went to confront my father. I told him that I was done, that I was leaving -- that I was going to take my uncle and leave, and I told him that I couldn't take part in this... genocide anymore, and the one thing that he told me -- to get me to stop, so he could talk to me long enough to get his firebending back, so I didn't behead him, was that he knew what happened to my mother. He knew, the entire time, where she was, and didn't say a word. He let Azula and I think she was dead in a hole somewhere, and I was stupid enough to believe for one minute that my father actually cared about the both of us -- or at least cared about Azula, but the only thing he cared about was power, and making me miserable because he didn't have my mother to push around anymore.

[ now zuko is actively pacing, and talking with his hands, gesturing as he speaks. ]

Everything I have ever done was to make my father happy. I needed his approval, and maybe if she had been there, I wouldn't have needed it. Maybe I would have left with her. Maybe I could have... taken Azula, maybe she would've turned out differently -- I could have become Fire Lord without so many people dying, or at least known that my mother was somewhere... everything could have been different, but how can I believe that my mother cared enough about either of us when she probably didn't even want to have us in the first place? She was probably forced into it, like everything else she was forced into, and I know I have to forgive her and move past it and I can't be angry or hang onto anger anymore, but I can't stop thinking about everything that could've been avoided if she had stayed, or what she endured while she was with us, and I shouldn't be selfish and and I can't hate her for what she decided, but she forgot us. Like we were disposable.

[ he sucks in a deep breath, and just sort of -- keeps going. ]

Why would you even want to have children if you weren't even going to love them in the first place, it's pointless -- my father wanted to throw me out of a window when I was younger, because I didn't look like I could "firebend properly" -- I was a child, and he was already determined that I couldn't do anything right, and my mother left me with that. And my sister -- she didn't get to have a mother at all, and my father threw Azula out like he threw everything else out. When I wasn't there to torture, he moved on to brainwashing Azula, and now she's just as messed up as I am, and all she has is me, and I can't even do that right because she ran off into the woods somewhere and anybody she kills is my fault and --

[ you may as well just stop him now because he can go on for another six hours. ]

[ yeah no. katara isn't even a little bit jealous anymore.

she also happens to be at a total loss here, because she's usually ready with some platitude or unasked for advice, but this is all on a totally different level. the pacing kills her as much as anything else, the negative energy rolling off of him in waves, so when she stops him? it's going to be by yanking him into a hug, whether he wants one or not. ]

Hey. Breathe.

[ he almost yanks himself away, at suddenly being touched, but he reels it in to get a grip, and he sucks in an abrupt breath at the hug. which is, really, the opposite of what he was asked -- breathe, why, his breathing is fine, and he's fine, and absolutely nothing is wrong, except his heart is going at a hundred miles an hour, and he feels like he needs to constantly keep moving, and there's a sudden weight on his chest -- making it difficult to do exactly what katara asked of him, which was breathe.

breathing is easy. firebending relies so heavily on your breath, on oxygen, on allowing energy to transfer through you, that when zuko occasionally feels short of breath (through anxiety, through panic), it always inspires more panic. not being able to breathe means he can't defend himself, which only sends more jolts of terror through him, and makes it worse. but katara's simple instruction, and pinning him down to one spot, forces him to focus, and he eventually exhales slowly.

inch by inch. ]

... sorry.

[ it's murmured, and while he doesn't really return the hug, he doesn't push her away, either. ]

I didn't mean to just -- I'm fine.

Shut up. No you're not.

[ at this point, katara is entirely aware that she's more "holding him hostage" than "hugging him," but she's alright with that. she's been where he's at. maybe not on the same level, and definitely not for the same reasons, but she knows how adrift he has to be feeling right now.

so she'll root him down for the moment, bumping her forehead against his shoulder with a swallowed little sigh. ]

And that's okay. We're your family now, too, you know. And that's what we're here for: to help you when you're not alright. You'll find your way, Zuko, whether it's to- forgiveness, or something else, I don't know, but we're going to be there to help you when you need it. Alright? So just - keep your head above the water for now. Keep breathing.

[ again, with people telling him that they're his family now, and while zuko knows that that's true, it still sends a warm feeling through him. it's never not surprising, to him, to hear that he's wanted, and somewhere deep down, zuko recognizes that that's the entire problem. but it doesn't undo what happened, and it doesn't change the fact that azula is long past saving, and it doesn't change what ozai and ursa did to their children.

but it can get better, and he knows that, and he knows that a temporary setback in how he feels is nothing compared to how much he's grown. and adapted. he can truly survive anything, but sometimes, it just feels like too much. like now.

keeping his head above water is simple in theory, but in the moment, it's not. ]

I'm not going to give up.

[ he says it finally, quietly ]

I can get through this, and I will. [ so maybe he's just telling himself that, rather than reassuring katara ] But I can't... I just wish she was here, and I could talk to her, and figure it out for myself. Before Azula does. But I can't.

[ ursa is not here. which is probably a good thing. but zuko needs to hear it, from his mother, why she did what she did. ]

I know you won't give up. You never do.

[ maybe this is the worst part of places like the fleet: the powerlessness that came with being unable to move their own lives forward. if they were at home, she knows that they'd all be doing everything in their power to find zuko's mother, to sort this out to some kind of conclusion. maybe not a good one, but at least one that would allow healing to start.

but time doesn't move here. wounds like this can't heal on their own. ]

You're just going to have to be patient for now. I know that's not what you want to hear, but - that's just how it is, Zuko. [ katara pauses, exhaling then. ] And I'm not letting you go until you hug me back, by the way. In case you were waiting for that.

I don't know what I want to hear. There's no easy answer to any of this, and nothing that's said is going to change what happened.

[ a slight correction, tiredly -- but he sighs, and eventually hugs her in return.

sometimes, it's easier to just not argue. ]

[ probably best when she's concerned, honestly. she smiles slightly, giving him another little squeeze before she backs away entirely. ]

Maybe not. Talking it out now might change what happens later, though. Are you alright?

[ what happens later, if she means the difference between zuko flipping out on someone who closed a door too loudly or just looking annoyed at being disrupted. talking helps, and it heals, but it's hard, and he doesn't really want to keep opening these wounds every single time his friends ask him if he's okay.

but he supposes he has to, because they're always going to ask if he's okay, and that's a good thing. in the end. he supposes.

he considers her question for a moment before sighing, folding his arms over his chest. ]

Are you going to argue with me if I say yes?

[ a bit pointedly, but there's no real venom behind the question. ]

[ katara considers his question for a moment, because yeah, okay, maybe her own was a little bit loaded. she inhales deeply through her nose, holding her breath, before she tries again. ]

How about, "Are you going to hurt yourself or someone else or part of the ship if I let you get back to training?" Or, um, "Is there anything that I can do for you right now?"

Is that better?

No, I am not going to hurt myself, someone else, or part of this ship.

[ he answers automatically, with the resigned tone of someone who has answered this question from katara a lot. but at her second question, zuko considers that for a few seconds, because he's not entirely sure if she can do anything to help, but -- ]

Are you hungry?

[ she glances at him at the question. ]

Do you want me to bring you something to eat?

Wh -- no.

[ KATARA god ]

If you were hungry, I was going to ask if you wanted to come with me to get food.

[ as he collects up his swords ]

Make sure I don't throw myself off of a bridge or something.

Oh! [ okay that makes more sense. katara shakes her head, heading to the cargo bay's exit as she watches him gather up his swords. right: he isn't sokka. ] That sounds pretty great, actually. I've actually got some errands to run on the station, and Allen asked me to take someone with me when I did them, so... this actually works out.

[ there's a silence, at that, and he watches katara walk a few steps ahead before hurrying to keep up with her, dropping his swords off by the door of his therapy office as they go. sasuke can put them away later. ]

Why do you need someone to go with you?

[ curiously; katara can take care of herself. ]

I think he's afraid I'm going to get into a fight.

[ she seems kind of pleased by this thought though tbh, and she swings by her room to grab her money. ]

There are a couple of people selling total junk medicine, and I wanted to talk with them.

[ there's a longer silence at that, as zuko stops to allow katara to get into her room, crossing his arms again. ]

... why do you need someone to go with you if you're going to get into a fight?

[ he's still lost on this concept has allen not seen katara fight ]

[ katara shrugs, like she doesn't really get it either, before heading toward the shuttles. ]

I dunno. I think he's afraid that I'll get carried away?

[ or arrested... ]

If you get carried away, they'll probably deserve it.

[ somewhat absently, as he follows her. ]

Freezing someone to a building is a lot more kind than burning them to death, so you're going to be the one getting carried away, not me.

I really like the way you think sometimes.

[ she will hold a shuttle door open for him

like the gentleman she is ]

[ occasionally, zuko comes up with something brilliant. but he ducks into the shuttle as beckoned ]

Thanks, I guess.

[ ahem ]

-- why was Allen talking to people like that, anyway?

[ and katara hops into the pilot's seat, hitting some buttons to open the bay doors. ]

Oh - he was buying stuff because he's lab support. He was researching some of the local remedies for things, I think.

March Mingle Madness (aka SURPRISE it's another mingle)

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