002. text + action.

[astrobleme]

Who: Shinji Ikari and you?!
Broadcast: Fleetwide.
Action: SS Heron.
When: 3/12.

[network.]

[Shinji rewrites this about a dozen times before he finally decides to post it. It reads:]

Hello. My name is Shinji Ikari. I'm a pilot that's stationed on the Heron. I'm sorry if I'm not using the network as it's intended, but I don't know how else to distribute this message. I've been a member of the Fleet for over a month now and I've met quite a lot of people who have treated me well. It's something I wasn't expecting at all. I haven't been in the best frame of mind, but people have gone out of their way to reassure me, offer to help me, or just talk to me. That's something else I wasn't expecting. I don't know why anyone bothers to talk to someone like me.

The point of this message is to say that I'm grateful. I'd like to thank all of those people, and repay them, if at all possible. I don't know some of their names or contact information, though. I do have an easier time of thanking my crew - I'm doing that now - thank you, everyone, for putting up with me. And hello to anyone who's newly assigned. Anyway, I'm on the Heron, like I said, and I have small tokens of my appreciation to give out if people want them. I'll be in the cargo bay all day by the gym equipment. Although it's kind of pathetic, a single conversation is enough to qualify for this. (Talking to people is helping my ratings...)

Kaworu-kun and Asuka, I have things to give you too. I know it's a little early for White Day.

Unrelated question: Is it possible to delete any content that's posted to the network? I'm guessing not, but maybe I missed an option for that.

Thank you for your time.


[action, aboard the Heron.]

[Shinji can be found sitting in the cargo bay, on a stretching mat, nearest to the gym equipment. He's young-looking and more than a little sleepless, wondering if he shouldn't have made that embarrassing post. He's in the middle of nervously, repeatedly digging his fingers into a netted bag of colorful marbles that he won from the arcade on the Starlight. They're beautiful glass marbles, each crafted to resemble a foreign galaxy.

This isn't much of a gift, but he hopes it isn't a stupid one.

He looks up whenever he has a new visitor. Before he says anything, he pauses his music player and takes out at least one of his earbuds.]

Hey.

Comments

[percolates]

[That hits a little too close to home. Ciri's expression darkens, thinking about how much of her life has been spent as tool, a means to an end.]

I know how that goes.

[Realizing that she sounds rather annoyed at the thought, she tries for a lighter tone.]

But you are valuable. As a person, not a thing or a tool.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji isn't the best at reading people, but he isn't totally helpless, either. There's a connection here, the slightest sketch of one, and he both does and doesn't want to ask how Ciri knows that. The truth can be scary.]

I hated... [My father. A self-conscious smile, now.] I hated being a tool, but at the same time, I didn't really mind it. I had something important to do. [He digs into the marbles restlessly.] I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the Fleet. I'm just not an entertainer.

[percolates]

Maybe it's time you found something fulfilling, something that isn't being a tool. When I was your age, I spent so much of my life running away, hiding. Not knowing how to make it stop.

[That's not to say that she's any better settled now. She's still running, avoiding capture, hoping that she won't be found on the fleet.]

Things got better once I realized the type of life I wanted for myself.

[It's a pretty picture to keep, even if it's unobtainable.]

[astrobleme]

[Shinji never expected this level of honesty from anyone, if only because he's rarely honest about his own painful issues. He's the type of person who answers with I'm fine when he's actually falling apart. So, this is...]

I know a lot about running away, [he admits, speaking more to his knees than to Ciri.] I tell myself I shouldn't run away, but then... but then I do, sometimes, and that just makes me feel worse. It's so stupid.

[For now, he's safe with the Fleet. For now. That could change in a heartbeat. He shouldn't take this time for granted, and it's hard not to worry.]

What... type of life? What did you want? I don't know what I want.

[percolates]

It's nothing very profound. I wanted to be free to do... normal things, I suppose. Ride horses, drink, make friends and not worry about their motives or if they were in danger. [To be a witcher, not a princess or queen or empress. A drop in the pond rather than the wave.]

[astrobleme]

[Normal things. Shinji didn't have a normal childhood with a mother and a father who loved him, but he did go to school and pursued a few hobbies. He wasn't expected to do anything special at all. And then he got that ominous letter from his father...]

I guess I do know what I want.

[That's a very quietly spoken reversal.]

I want to be normal. Whatever life comes from being normal, that's really what I want. Living somewhere that's not too cold and not too warm, and working a basic desk job, and just... no one depending on me to save them. No one depending on me for anything.

[percolates]

[Ciri nods. A simple life is not a bad one.]

I think there are different ways to be depended on, relied on. Ways that make you feel... like a person of worth. Like when a horse depends on you to scratch behind its ear. Something like that.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji nods, too, though he's more hesitant about it.] I've-- I haven't seen a horse in person, but I saw pictures of them. They did have big ears. [He lifts his hands to indicate horse ears and how they swivel... which is silly, very silly, and he drops his hands back down. He's almost smiling again.]

I don't know what that feels like. Worthiness. It sounds... comfortable.

[percolates]

[How does she keep meeting people that haven't met a horse in person? She laughs at his makeshift horse ears. Ah, if only they were in a better place than this.]

I used to have a beautiful horse named Kelpie. If we're ever in a place that has horses, I'll take you to meet one. Ride one too, if you'd like.

[He's so small he can easily fit in front of a saddle with her.]

I like you, so that makes you worth my time, and a worthy person.

[It's that easy.]

[astrobleme]

[It can't be that easy.

But it is.

But it can't be...

But it is, and Shinji feels guilty because he's misrepresenting himself. To some extent, everyone is wearing a mask. Everyone is trying to hide the ugliest parts of themselves. Shinji's ugliest parts are responsible for destroying the human race. He looks down at his hands, and for a split second, he swears he can see the blood on them.]

Probably won't be any harder than piloting, so I'd like to try riding a horse.

[His fingers are curling into loose fists.]

That should make me happy, right? If someone's willing to show me something... willing to tell me I'm worthy. A worthwhile person. That should make me happy. But I just feel like I don't deserve any of it. That doesn't make me any less thankful, though. Thank you, Ciri-san.

[percolates]

[Ciri watches him closely, listening to what he has to say. Damn anyone who would make a young boy feel worthless like this. Damn anyone that wouldn't try to build him up.]

You're welcome, Shinji. I think in time you'll get used to it. You'll believe me. [She has a feeling that must be a part of it.] You can tell me about this... piloting, you mentioned. Maybe that will help.

[Probably not, but she's curious about him.]

[astrobleme]

[To be honest, believing Ciri's words wouldn't change how Shinji feels about himself. Kaworu Nagisa is irrationally in love with Shinji, often waxing lyrical about this, that, or the other thing concerning him. Kaworu is very sincere about it. Kaworu wouldn't lie at all. But Shinji feels like Kaworu is just wasting his time, too. Belief has the same outcome as disbelief, in the end, which is why Shinji is so frustrated with his own emotions.

If his self-esteem got any worse, he'd turn to sludge and disappear.]

Mm... It's not a happy story, just to warn you...

[In other words, she doesn't have to listen to it.]

[percolates]

[She's assumed as much. Ciri settles down some more, stretching her legs out in front of her.]

I don't mind. Of course, it's only if you want to share. I just don't know much about you. It feels like I should.

[astrobleme]

[Why?

And then Shinji sighs inwardly, reminding himself that friends should want to know things about each other. It just isn't sinking in for him. People want to know things about him... People want to be his friend... People want to treat him well...

He swirls two marbles in his palm like a pair of stress balls.]

Evangelion. That's what I piloted. If that word means nothing to you, that's a good thing. Eva is synonymous with pain.

[percolates]

Is it like a ship or shuttle? Like within the fleet?

[That much she's at least familiar with. She's been to plenty worlds with things that are piloted, but this is the first time she's spent any length of time within a spaceship.]

[astrobleme]

No, it's more like... [Shinji pauses. This analogy has worked pretty well with other people:] It's like a big suit of armor. Around 70 meters tall. And I would sit inside of that, and I'd... I piloted it. In defense of my world. I was the third chosen child.

[percolates]

[She's already not liking this. A giant suit of armor piloted by a child. When you're chosen, you don't really have much choice in the matter, do you?]

What did you fight?

[astrobleme]

[Six months ago, the answer would have been obvious: Monsters.

Shinji still thinks of Angels as monstrous, but he can't exactly pass judgment on them anymore. He doesn't know enough about them. No matter what, Kaworu is an Angel and also one of the most important people in his life.]

They were called Angels. They didn't like humans very much. At the time, I just assumed they were blind aggressors, but lately I've been... [He sighs, pursing his lips.] I don't know the whole story behind that. I didn't ask when I should have asked.

[percolates]

That's hardly your fault.

[He's a young boy, given too much.]

You don't seem like much of a fighter. Which isn't anything bad, mind you, it just doesn't seem to suit your nature.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji is a contradiction: he wants to believe it's his fault and also everyone else's fault. Either way, his inaction has been just as dangerous as acting out. Shrugging a shoulder, he says,] I have nothing against self-defense, so that's how I justified it to myself. I thought I was really saving the world and everyone in it. Everyone that mattered. And when I was inside an Eva, I felt... powerful, for the first time in my life. Important. My father--he praised me when I did a good job. That made me so happy.

But it was a mistake to pilot. I'd give anything for a redo.

[percolates]

It shouldn't take that for your father to praise you. I think a parent's job is to make their child feel important. [Nothing she got from her own father. Important because of her blood, yes, but not because of her worth as a person. Geralt made her feel like more than a tool.]

I'm very sorry to hear this, Shinji.

[astrobleme]

[Shinji shakes his head dejectedly.] I'm never going to pilot again, so that part's over and done with. My father betrayed me in every single way. He was hiding things from me, and he was just using me, and... I hate him. If I saw him again, I'd... [Hurt him? Gut him like a fish? Shinji swallows the spiky lump of guilt and vengeance in his throat.]

I really hate him, Ciri-san. Sometimes it's the only thing I can feel.

[percolates]

[She'd probably help. She understands the hatred and the anger. When your worth and value is whittled down to what you can do, what someone can gain--it does a number on your mind.]

I understand.

[It's why she has no words of wisdom, really. But she can reach out and put a gentle hand on the top of his head, stroking his hair.]

I'm probably supposed to tell you to feel otherwise, but I think it's better to feel it than bottle it up.

[astrobleme]

[Oh...

Shinji has no memories of his mother, so he can't compare the hair stroking to anything like that. It's nice. Mostly, it's nice, and then it's kind of alarming. He doesn't flinch or shrug it off, though. It's too comforting to cast away. It shouldn't be something he deserves, so he has to tell himself not to cry.]

My feelings... [They're dangerous. They've literally brought about the end of the world. Watery in eyes and words, he says,] I guess I never learned how to express my feelings well. It was always... "Grow up, Shinji." It was always like that. So I buried all of it.

[percolates]

[Ciri's main memories of motherly love come from Yen. Most people wouldn't expect it of the sorceress, she thinks, but when she thinks of her she thinks of her beauty and the way she'd pet her hair. It's not something she's trying to emulate--especially when she hears the threat of tears.]

I had to grow up fast. I turned out... all right, I think, but it wasn't easy. There's hope for you, hmm?

[The hand slips down to his opposite shoulder, easing them into a one-armed hug. She's no so sure if he'll try to escape it or not.]