003 ;;

[reconstitution]

Who: Winter & You
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: The Iskaulit
When: 3/20

[ Text ]

How does everyone deal with loss? How much of an impact is it meant to have?

Similar. Unrelated. Is anyone familiar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I would like to know more.

[ Action >> Iskaulit ]

[ If you happen to be on the Iskaulit at any time in the wee hours of the morning, between two and six, you may run into Winter utilizing the gym. There aren't really posted hours, and that's usually when no one else is around.

The poor sandbags that he helped Jim hang all those months ago are getting a beating. Winter's focus is zeroed in on the same worn spot, but apparently something gives. Winter reels his left arm back, a high metallic whine the only warning before he lands a blow. It's enough force that not only does it knock the sandbag from its hook, but it goes flying across the room like it's nothing.

Emotional? Who's emotional? Nobody here. Mind your business! ]

[ Action >> Heron ]

[ Winter may have been restless before, but without Jim, this is something new entirely. Crew have been coming and going regularly over the past few months, but this is different. The Atroma decided that he should be captain? Over someone who would probably be more capable at it. He sees what you did there. You just couldn't pass up the chance to not have to change names in the roster, huh?

He's trying to wrap his head around it. Sure, he led teams on missions as the Winter Soldier, but that was different. He wasn't really calling the shots. Being Captain is new and scary and leaves room for so much to go wrong.

If anyone wants to bother him, or happens to be visiting, he is more than likely roaming the halls trying to burn off the nervous energy. He's comfortable with the ship, but now he wants to know it inside and out. As if he hadn't already done that. Honestly, he is distraught without Jim and doesn't know how to handle it. It's not as if he can talk to Natasha about it, either. Or Steve.

The message is more than clear- don't get attached. ]

Comments

[passingthrough]

What's wrong with the person you were?

[reconstitution]

I wasn't anybody before. [ Winter stop being vague. ]

[passingthrough]

Look at you being a mystery. So who do you want to be, Winter?

[reconstitution]

I thought I had it figured out. I know what I don't want to be-- and I know that I don't think I can be the person I was a long time ago.

[passingthrough]

Hard to go anywhere but forward. [She can't be the girl she was before her parents died. Before the X-Men. The death. The loss. She has changed and some of those changes might be more in line with who she could have been without all that, but she'll never be untouched by it again. She's that girl and she's the warrior too.]

We're everything we've been and hopefully a little of what we try to be.

[reconstitution]

Do you ever think about what will happen when you return home?

[ Does she have that constant dread just settling in her gut, too? ]

What kind of person you'll end up being when everything is said and done?

[passingthrough]

[She's quiet for a moment.] No. I was killed, so I try not to think about going back. [Congratulations, Winter. Not many people here know that one.] But I wonder about it in these places.

[reconstitution]

[ Oh. Well now he feels like an asshole. She doesn't get the choice of going back quite like he does. ]

I'm sorry. [ ... ] How many of these places have you been?

[passingthrough]

Just the two. It's been a little over a year.

Hey... I don't know if you know any of the other X-Men, but if you do, don't mention this. [Not because it's a secret, but it would be better if she told them if it's being told. She doesn't like the thought of the younger Kurt knowing. He seems so innocent.]

[reconstitution]

I won't tell anyone. It's not my life to share.

[ He knows how he'd feel about having all of his life and his wounds sliced open for others to prod at. It's not his business. ]

[passingthrough]

Thanks. It's not a secret, it's just not something I've told them yet.

They care about a version of me. [They care about her too if they feel the way she does.]

So... What threw you into doubt mode? [Your turn again. Best ping pong match?]

[reconstitution]

Before I got here, I wasn't a person. I wasn't programmed to be. [ He pauses, frowning, as he tries to figure out how to word the next bit. ]

There was only one person who knew how to handle me. He helped me learn how to be someone again. He was my best friend and now he's gone.

[passingthrough]

[The programming comment is worrisome of course and she'll want to know more, but for right now she'll focus on the part bothering him.]

I'm sorry. Losing people is the hardest thing. [At least it always has been for her. It doesn't get easier with practice. It gets harder to move on from.] Especially the ones who guide you like that. The ones who give you hope.

You'll get through it though. You have to for them.

[reconstitution]

It didn't used to matter- faces changed. It's... different here. Can't say how it will be after I go back.

[ If he does go back. It's not going to be of his own choice in the matter if he does. ]

[passingthrough]

None of us can. [Unless someone can see the future which is always entirely possible, but not the point.]

For what it's worth as bad as it gets I think feeling the loss is better than never having anything worth hurting over.

[reconstitution]

It was easier not feeling anything. Being empty of everything.

[ Nothing existed but 'mission' and 'orders', but that was an entirely different world. He doesn't want to go back to it, but it was simple. He had purpose. He was given purpose here, but without that guide, what the fuck is he supposed to do? ]

You can't get emotional about things you can't remember.

[passingthrough]

They took your memories? [She's not sure who "they" is, but feeling nothing? Being programmed? Something happened to him.]

[reconstitution]

They did. For a long time. I didn't have any when I got here-- but I've started to remember bits and pieces.

[passingthrough]

[She thinks it's too bad she's all out of Jean Grey's to offer him or even Xavier. Then again bringing those memories back faster than his mind is doing it now might be more dangerous than good.]

Who was it? Programming you.

[reconstitution]

HYDRA, first. The Soviets for a while. Protocol.

[ He understands that it's fucked up and that just because it's protocol doesn't make it right. It's just a fact, accepted by now. No intentions of ever going back, but it's hard to tell what will happen. ]

[passingthrough]

[It's her first time hearing about HYDRA and Protocol. The Soviets she gets. She was married to a Russian once upon a time.]

That's a lot of agencies taking away your agency. I'm sorry.

[reconstitution]

I've lived through it. I know I'll be my own person eventually. I can try here, too.

[ That's about all he's got going for him right now. The knowledge that eventually, he'll get what he deserves. ]

[passingthrough]

What do you mean? Someone from your future told you that you come out the other side of it back home?

[reconstitution]

..He did, yeah. He was from two years in the future. Same timeline.

[passingthrough]

Was it the same person who left?