003 ;;

[reconstitution]

Who: Winter & You
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: The Iskaulit
When: 3/20

[ Text ]

How does everyone deal with loss? How much of an impact is it meant to have?

Similar. Unrelated. Is anyone familiar with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I would like to know more.

[ Action >> Iskaulit ]

[ If you happen to be on the Iskaulit at any time in the wee hours of the morning, between two and six, you may run into Winter utilizing the gym. There aren't really posted hours, and that's usually when no one else is around.

The poor sandbags that he helped Jim hang all those months ago are getting a beating. Winter's focus is zeroed in on the same worn spot, but apparently something gives. Winter reels his left arm back, a high metallic whine the only warning before he lands a blow. It's enough force that not only does it knock the sandbag from its hook, but it goes flying across the room like it's nothing.

Emotional? Who's emotional? Nobody here. Mind your business! ]

[ Action >> Heron ]

[ Winter may have been restless before, but without Jim, this is something new entirely. Crew have been coming and going regularly over the past few months, but this is different. The Atroma decided that he should be captain? Over someone who would probably be more capable at it. He sees what you did there. You just couldn't pass up the chance to not have to change names in the roster, huh?

He's trying to wrap his head around it. Sure, he led teams on missions as the Winter Soldier, but that was different. He wasn't really calling the shots. Being Captain is new and scary and leaves room for so much to go wrong.

If anyone wants to bother him, or happens to be visiting, he is more than likely roaming the halls trying to burn off the nervous energy. He's comfortable with the ship, but now he wants to know it inside and out. As if he hadn't already done that. Honestly, he is distraught without Jim and doesn't know how to handle it. It's not as if he can talk to Natasha about it, either. Or Steve.

The message is more than clear- don't get attached. ]

Comments

Iskaulit

[passingthrough]

[Kitty is restless and when that happens it's not surprising to find her training or missing out on sleep for that matter. She manages to step inside just time for a sandbag to fly right through her. Yes, through. It's good to be intangible.] Good morning to you too.

[She looks over to the sandbag killer, and isn't sure what to make of him. Orion's arm and James' face? The confusion shows.]

Iskaulit

[reconstitution]

[ Well, that's something he's not seen before. This must mean some crazy Charles Dickens shenanigans are about to happen.

...Or. You know. The Atroma decide to bring girls who can phase through things. That's an option, too. Winter looks from the sandbag to Kitty, that frown not leaving his face. ]

Usually no one's in here.

[ Clearly it is your fault for stepping in front of the bag, gosh. ]

Text;

[save_the_souls]

How people deal with loss differs for everyone. There isn't one right way to deal with it. How much it impact a person...well, that depends on a lot of things. The nature of the loss, when it happens, how close you were to who was lost...

As for PTSD, I'm afraid I only know the textbook medical definitions. [He's a medic, not a therapist]

Text;

[reconstitution]

I wasn't close to anyone else. Like missing a limb.

[ Maybe a bad metaphor, but that's exactly what it feels like. An extension of himself is just... gone. ]

I wasn't told much about it in the first place.

iskaulit

[revivo]

[in a few days, sara will have been here a month.

she's not too happy about that. she's not too happy about being out in open space, either; it feels so much more like being trapped than the station had. the blameless has practically become claustrophobic where she was fine with it before, and, also important, she's managed to keep the truth about herself from her crew. avoiding displaying her ability to fight (to kill) while they were at the station was one thing; but now they're sharing a cramped ship, and she refuses to lose her edge because she doesn't want to train in front of anyone.

so visiting the iskaulit seemed like a good idea. and visiting it at odd, late night hours? even better. the gym isn't empty, as it turns out, but she slips in quietly while winter beats on those sandbags, sitting down for some preliminary stretches.

she glances up, raises her eyebrows when he sends the sandbag flying.]

It won't be forgetting who's boss anytime soon.

iskaulit

[reconstitution]

[ He whips around, spotting her immediately. The walls that he'd let down to vent the hopelessness and aggravation slam back into place, his scowl prominent. Mostly, he's angry at himself for not noticing her entrance. Sloppy. If she meant harm, she could have easily stuck a knife between his ribs.

His fist clenches, the plates sliding back into place. The thought of saying nothing and ignoring her presence briefly crosses his mind, but the notion goes away with a minute shake of his head. ]

That wasn't the problem.

text.

[astrobleme]

[Haha. Hahaha. Dealing with loss. Let's skip that part...]

What do you want to know about PTSD?

text.

[reconstitution]

Anything you can share. My knowledge is limited.

[text]

[eyeforaneye]

If you go searching for a meaning in loss you can drive yourself insane. Sometimes things happen without fate driving them. With that said, you can give it a meaning on your own by trying to learn something from it.

I don't know anything about that disorder, though.

[ At least beyond what he's come across in books here. There haven't been detailed descriptions. ]

[text]

[reconstitution]

I don't think fate exists in this place.

Thanks anyway.

text; private

[universal_charm]

Loss differs between people, and how connected you feel the one lost. There's no right answer for how to deal with it, it's just something you will likely have to figure out for yourself. But I know that talking about it can help.

As for the other - I think you should seek a professional psychiatrist for that, as well as a medical doctor. It has physical and mental effects, or at the least consult a medical textbook.

text; private

[reconstitution]

Have you lost someone close to you, then? Difficult, when the person I would speak to about it is gone.

Pass.

[ Just an outright 'no' for that one, Jimbo. He doesn't trust anyone he doesn't know, and no one that he's met doesn't constitute as a professional. Do they? Who knows. He's done just fine on his own so far. No one's been murdered or maimed. ]

[ text ]

[axeboyfriend]

I think the way you deal with loss is different for everyone. So is the impact.

Don't know much about post-traumatic stress disorder, sorry.

[ text ]

[reconstitution]

What about you personally?

Thanks anyway.

Action, Iskaulit

[takeabow]

[ Nova slips into the gym, hoping to get some workouts in before it gets busy ]

What'd they ever do to you?

Action, Iskaulit

[reconstitution]

[ It's been a while since he's seen Nova. Some of the tension eases, but there's almost always something there anyway. He shakes his head. ]

Thought it might help. It didn't.

Iskaulit

[sonofgold]

[Al had been unable to sleep, so he'd gone over to the Iskaulit to work out. His body could still wear out easily sometimes, and he knew how important it was to keep up with the strength training exercises he'd been given.

However, all thoughts of working out were gone when he saw Winter, and a broken-looking sandbag. Wordlessly, when the man stopped to take a breath, Al clapped his hands and reshaped the sandbag with alchemy so that it looked like new.]

Iskaulit

[reconstitution]

[ He picks up on the footsteps immediately, not moving, though his eyes track the stranger as he moves to the broken sandbag. Winter frowns, brow raising as Al claps his hands. A flash of bright light and an electric crackle and the sandbag is as good as new. It doesn't even look like it's been battered..

What the fuck. He steps closer to investigate, though gives Al a wide berth. ]

text.

[paraclete]

I believe that a loss is "meant" to have as much impact as you assign it. The same event may not bring individuals to feel equally. But your worth doesn't diminish just because you feel more or less than what your neighbor does.

That said, it's your own circumstances and experiences which will assign that impact to any loss. The concept of "loss" is uniquely tailored to every individual. That's what I've found to be true.

Personally, when I lose, I make the decision to try a different approach to the same situation. The premise behind this persistence is that eventually, I will gain.

text.

[reconstitution]

It's not a situational loss. This is different. People are different.

action » heron

[mucked]

-- Will you be taking over the captain's quarters?

[ calmly asked. peggy seems to appear from around a corner, and suddenly she's here. how long has she been aboard the heron? maybe only a few minutes. maybe an hour. but she doesn't do him the disservice of small-talk.

their grief is twinned. shared. she can't believe anything different, or she risks feeling so damnably alone. so peggy stands in the corridor with her hands on her hips. she can't quite meet his eyes. ]

action » heron

[reconstitution]

[ Winter doesn't jump at her sudden presence, though it does get his blood pumping. The fight-or-flight kicks in immediately, though it dies down just as quickly. Peggy doesn't typically make him nervous, but he's unsettled at the thought that she's been lingering and he wasn't aware. He's losing focus. It's a dangerous thing to lose without Jim an ally close by. He doesn't move closer to her, instead standing almost at attention where he's stopped. ]

Not sure if I can.

[ Technically, they're his quarters now, though it doesn't feel like it. He doesn't feel like the captain; there's nothing but dread sitting in his stomach at the thought of it.

Peggy showing up should make him relieved, shouldn't it? She's the only one left he feels he can tell things to. How can he burden her with his problems when she's still dealing with her own? ]

text »

[ladybro]

[ guess who. ]

I'd wager half the Fleet has it. You probably won't be lacking in answers.

[ sooo helpful. ]

text »

[reconstitution]

You would think that, but it's the opposite so far.

[goodjob]

impact depends on who it was and how it happened

dealing with it? u get wasted. give them 1 last party

[reconstitution]

I can't get drunk.

text

[pain_train]

i used to get mad and go on patrol and burn shit up or bar crawl but since i can't do that any more i just feel sad and cry and have ice cream and my partner would hug me even though he's an asshole but he's not around any more so i just feel sad but then when it's all over you just gotta keep going cause we got a job to do right

it sucks

but like if you want come over to the windrose and we can have ice cream and do something stupid and officer snuggles can drool on your leg and you don't have to cry if you don't feel like it cause it doesn't help everyone and sometimes it just makes you feel like shit

i know about ptsd

chems and counseling if you can find a counselor you can trust to not be a brainfuck and chems you can trust there's nothing wrong with needing help

like

if there are counselors around it's

maybe it's something i should look at

text

[reconstitution]

I wouldn't really know who to trust. I don't know that they'd want to know everything I can remember, anyway.

..I don't think I would cry. I don't know.

But that sounds alright.


If it will help, you should.

[ action ]

[touchofrogue]

[So no one has actually had a chance to tell Rogue yet that Jim has left, and this post has her worried. She did learn that Natasha had left, but she didn't expect that to rattle Winter this much... and having him rattled was not really a good thing at all... although on the other hand, she was fiercely glad that he was able to feel this, that he was able to ask these things. That meant freedom and choice and that he hadn't reverted to... something less than what he could be.

So Rogue went looking for him.]

[ action ]

[reconstitution]

[ Oh, Rogue. There's still time for him to spiral downward. Jim was the moral compass that he needed to stay on the right track. Even Steve and Natasha were helping to keep him from derailing. Now? It's up in the air. Winter is in the middle of his rounds when he spots her on the Heron. He frowns at her, not really putting together why she's here.

She'd be visiting Jim. ]

What are you doing here?

text

[resnipstance]

I try to do something in that person's honour. Something that would make them proud.

What's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I haven't heard of it. But maybe it goes by something different in my universe.

text

[reconstitution]

I'm trying to figure out what that would be.

From my understanding, it's something common in soldiers or people who have experienced terrible things. I think it used to be called... battle fatigue?

Action | Heron

[grandstanding]

[Erik is in the kitchen when Winter begins his pacing, trying to cobble something edible together. He can hear the footsteps going back and forth, back and forth. The vibrations reach him too. Something is clearly bothering the man, to be circling around like this.

The next time Winter veers back in the direction of the kitchen, Erik doesn't wait for him to reach the doorway. He simply speaks in that direction when he's nearly there, idly slicing some banana solid with his fork.]

Are you looking for something?

Action | Heron

[reconstitution]

[ It speaks, perhaps, how distracted he is if someone can hear him pacing. Normally, he's able to sneak around. He's not used to someone acknowledging him before he's reached his destination. Winter stops dead, looking toward the kitchen. Nothing odd going on, not really, though the hyper-vigilance spikes, fingers itching to wrap around the hilt of the knife in his boot. Only a precaution- not to use on the crew.

He moves to the doorway, keeping an eye on Eric, though he's focused on listening down the hall. For what, who the fuck knows. ]

Nothing specific.

[flickerflash]

[And because she's a child, she's awfully blunt.]

Did you lose someone?

[reconstitution]

A few someones. It happened quickly.

[speedboat]

[ howard is in no shape at all to work out, vision a little hazy as he stumbles down the corridors. he turns his head too fast when he sees the sandbag skitter across the floor at his feet. oops. he swallows, eyes tracking slowly to the source. oh, it's bucky. that's a better answer than he could have come up with on his own just now.

struggling with his own version of loss and acceptance, he slowly makes his approach, making as much noise as possible though he knows he'd be tracked even if he didn't. he feels a little soberer just seeing the look on the other man's face. ]

What did that bag ever do to you, huh, pal? [ but his tone is commiserative, understanding even. eyes soft. sorry buddy ♥ ]

[reconstitution]

[ Howard, you couldn't make any more noise if you tried. To Winter, his footsteps are like a herd of elephants, and he's sluggish enough that knocking him the hell out wouldn't be a problem. He can't help the tension that increases as Howard draws nearer. The expression stays in place. So far, not all that charmed. ]

Better it than a person.

[ His fingers curl into fists at his sides. He could punch someone. Beat them bloody. The fact that the urge even rises brings bile to his throat. That's not who he is. Not anymore. ]

Action; Iskaulit

[notmutantbutmiracle]

[Wanda watches Winter pound away at the bags for a minute or two before speaking up, making her presence known. It was unlikely that she could sneak up on the famous Winter Soldier, but she did figure that she would need to be the one to initiate any kind of conversation with him. Having just come from the garden that Dr. Crusher and Ino had put together, she's noticeably holding a rather large bloomed flower, similar looking to a sunflower except with pink and white faded pedals instead of the typical yellow.]

Perhaps the bags need a break?

Action; Iskaulit

[reconstitution]

[ He hears someone approaching, though he elects to ignore it in lieu of moving to another sandbag to resume. That is, until she speaks. Winter glances over at her quickly, then to the flower in her hands. It's still an ungodly late hour. It's an odd thing for someone to have this late. Unless she's like him and has trouble sleeping. ]

Momentary loss of control. It won't happen again.

text

[percolates]

depends on the sort of loss
personally i do not deal with it well but its not something anyone wants to become practiced in

text

[reconstitution]

The closest connections I had are gone.

[ The ones detrimental to him being human. ]

Iskaulit

[mistyday]

[Now that Kitty's helped her with the piloting nonsense, Misty's taken to visiting the Iskaulit as much as possible, spending most of her time in the gardens or the interfaith center. Mornings are for meditation, with whoever else might be joining her - most often with Obi-Wan. Today, though, she's drawn to the gym first. There's pain and loss and she don't know what all else radiating from Winter. She doesn't know exactly what she can do to help, but she knows she needs to at least try.

Once in the gym, she doesn't say anything, just sits cross-legged on the floor and watches and waits. He'll come to her eventually.]

Iskaulit

[reconstitution]

[ He watches impassively as the sandbag hits the opposite wall, trying to reign himself back in. It should bother him that someone was not only able to enter the gym without him noticing, but he's not sure when it happened. Suddenly he's just aware of someone else in the room and he looks over his shoulder, muscles taut.

Misty. A little relief floods his system, his defense kicking down a notch. He walks slowly over to her, leaving a few feet between them. His expression is curious- what is she even doing here so early? And in the gym, no less. ]

It's early.

action.

[throwsdown]

[Takeshi wanders into the Iskaulit to use the gym, as he's been keen to do recently — and then the runty little seven-year-old sees the guy super into punching his punching bag, he hangs back and watches from around the corner, finding the intensity familiar. Real, real familiar; he misses his dad, at times like these.

... The guy looks familiar. He knew him, he thinks, from the last ship he was stuck on.

But he's learned at this point to try and let that go; nobody's remembered him so far.

When the sandbag goes flying, he flinches, but then he's just as soon starry-eyed.]

Whoa!! Cool!!

action.

[reconstitution]

[ He wasn't aware that he had a visitor, so the voice catches him off-guard. His head whips to locate the perpetrator, and honestly, he's having a difficult time being angry or suspicious. It's just a kid.

A kid roaming the Iskaulit at the ass-crack of dawn. Don't you have a bedtime or something? ]

...Excuse me?

[ Winter doesn't know if cool is the word that anyone else would use. Destructive or unnecessary, maybe. It didn't really alleviate any of the negative emotions, either. ]