driftfleet | first one to make that doctor who joke loses

June sixth. [Asuka parrots it back, feeling out of sync herself. He's throwing her off when he shouldn't; he still doesn't look quite... what? With it? Is that it? Is he really acting strange, or is she just getting more and more demanding, wanting not just his time but the whole of his attention? Her sluggish heart is starting to beat just a little faster. But that's stupid. There's nothing to anticipate. They're just talking. So why should...]

Birthdays are important, idiot. [Asuka's spent the bulk of her own by herself. By college she was buying her own cakes, enjoying her own meager celebration with her doll across from her on the desk. She'd felt lower than dirt when she wasn't reassuring herself that she was above any paltry friendship, any worthless love that could be tossed her way. Swallowing again, she reaches over and squeezes his arm.] They're what started you.

You want to celebrate my birthday? [Shinji's voice spikes higher up than the question warrants. It's insane to him. Like one of Misato-san's insane plans, but digging deeper than that. The idea of someone relishing the day he was born makes him feel sick to his stomach-- Or it would, if it weren't for the morphine drip that is Asuka's presence.

Her hand is touching his arm. It's warm. Maybe too warm.]

Why do you want to do that?

[No one has ever done that for him. Not even his father could be bothered to give him a call on his birthday. Over the years, Shinji dutifully sat next to the phone, telling himself that a call would come in this time. It never did. It never will.]

Do you have to ask why?

[He's so incredulous that it's pathetic. That he's pathetic. Asuka can't give herself over to pity any more than she already does, not even for him, but her face reddens, expression a mire of consternation. Like her, Shinji's always starving for affirmation while denying it to everyone else.]

If you don't want it, I'll figure something else out. [Another box of chocolates, maybe. Something. Asuka scoots closer in like a groundhog burrowing. She thinks about resting her head on his shoulder the way he'd done with her.] It won't be stupid.

I didn't say I didn't want it... [Shinji's disbelief has nothing to do with whether or not he wants it. Case in point: he can't believe Asuka wants to be close to a loser like him, but he isn't shoving her away, right? If anything, he's drawing her in closer when he curves his arm around her lower back.

This is a very private place. More private than the cargo bay, or a boutique's changing room. No one's going to walk in on them. In Misato-san's apartment, Asuka used to guard her bedroom with fire-breathing ferocity. Shinji couldn't even go in there to pick up dirty socks without getting chewed out. So, he doubts Asuka's shipmates will drop by and interrupt. There's nothing to stop him from...

He kisses her softly.]

I just, [he says, throatier,] want to know what you're thinking.

[The kiss is entirely unexpected, Asuka's eye widening, whole face getting hotter. It doesn't last long enough, like always, but it's amazingly potent. It takes so much and so little simultaneously to keep her satisfied. If he punctuated all his harder questions with kisses, he'd get further towards understanding her than he probably ever wanted.]

[She exhales. Her room since the time he first met her has gone from a sanctuary to a self-imposed prison, but he doesn't know that. Inviting him in just to lay around and talk to her is a bigger step than it should be at her age. A kiss is good enough for now, but she's too greedy for that to suffice forever. His arm wrapping around her is proof he has to-- she hopes he has to-- feel the same. Her foot brushes up against his ankle, and she almost forgets to answer his question at all.]

I'm thinking you should kiss me again.

[Shinji smiles faintly, just letting his head rest against the pillow.] I'm thinking you don't know when to stop, [he replies, then. His tone is warm and conciliatory, not scolding. It isn't a bad thing to him. Asuka is determined in all the ways he can't be or hasn't been able to figure out.] If we do it too much, maybe you'll get bored of it.

[He doesn't honestly believe that. He's just teasing her, kind of, with his fingers curling against the pretty, worn-to-please-him blouse. In small ways, in big ways, she's always trying to catch and keep his attention. It makes him wonder about all the things she might be willing to do for him. He'd never abuse it (or so he tells himself), but she's giving him a lot of control... a lot of power...]

Maybe you'll get bored of me. And then what?

Edited 2016-05-01 01:54 (UTC)

Then you'll have to step it up. [She's not-- well, she is a little serious. Asuka's smile is downright mischievous, on the border of wicked. It still feels a little wrong to smile over anything that isn't a great shot on the battlefield.]

[He's never chased her affections. He's let her do all the pursuing, which has only served to make her efforts all the more intense. Just grabbing onto her blouse and holding her is significant, another tiny victory that means more than it should. Asuka never knew how desperate she was to be touched until he came back.]

If you think you can. I've got some older shipmates, you know...

Edited 2016-05-01 02:04 (UTC)

[Asuka is just saying that to make him jealous. It won't work. (It's working too well.) If she likes him, and he's the worst person in the universe, then she's like a fly that's attracted to a unique pile of shit. She couldn't find a mess as disgusting as him anywhere else. (She's better off with anyone else. Literally anyone. Even the frog man wouldn't be a bad option.)

Sighing quietly, Shinji doesn't seem all that aggrieved. He closes his eyes and asks her,] Am I allowed to spend the night here? With you? I don't want to step on someone's toes...

Of course you're allowed. I'd let you even if you weren't. [Asuka, as usual, isn't intimidated by anyone on her ship. They're all weirdos of one variety or another, not really any competition of Shinji's. But it pleases her vanity to see how he reacts to her teasing. And though it's not with another kiss, that's okay.]

[She shifts to rest her head on him, turning so the patched side of her face is against his shoulder. There. That's better. It shouldn't start to glow again. Asuka feels soft, like all the rough parts of her are getting sloughed away, at least for tonight.]

Are you jealous?

[That's the second time Asuka has asked him that today. Admittedly, it holds less of a sting when she's climbing all over him, settling in, as close as she can be for now. Shinji didn't realize how much he hated sleeping alone until Kaworu started staying with him overnight.]

What would you say if I said I'm jealous?

[Purely hypothetical...]

I'd say I was glad.

[Her grin is catlike. Her face hasn't changed in all these years, just her expressions, harder, fiercer. That's wrought its own alterations, really. She curls up, not really caring that they're on top of the covers rather than beneath them.]

I like you getting jealous over me.

[It feels like Asuka is trying to reinvent herself as a blanket. Shinji doesn't know that he minds, since she's about his size and comfortable. Surprisingly comfortable. It used to be that he flinched whenever someone looked at him...

Asuka could have her pick of anyone in the Fleet, probably, if she wanted them. Jeez.]

There's a Japanese proverb, and it goes something like... "You shouldn't burn your hands frying an already fried rice cake." In other words, being jealous can be dangerous. [His hand, meanwhile, ventures high enough to play with her hair. He shouldn't encourage her adoration, but he can't help himself.]

Edited 2016-05-02 04:28 (UTC)

Being jealous means you care. [She can't offer up a German proverb as a rebuttal, only her own. She closes her eyes, whole body starting to relax when he starts to play with her hair. It's like a cube of ice melting into water.]

[If Shinji didn't get jealous, whether out of magnanimity or pure cowardice, she'd be upset. Worse than upset. He wouldn't be worth her time anymore. If he didn't care, if he really didn't care who else she saw, who else she liked. she'd be humiliated. Crushed. Taking an unnecessary breath, she reaches an arm over to rest her hand on his chest, right near his heartbeat.]

It's a motivator. If you don't want things, there's no reason to push yourself forward.

[Honestly, Asuka has nothing to worry about: Shinji has been a jealous wreck for his entire life. So many sleepless nights spent wondering where Father was, whom Father was working with, if Father had anyone he cared about more. Then came the moment when Shinji first noticed Father smiling at Ayanami...

He didn't scream or weep about it, but he couldn't get the image--Father's soft smile--out of his mind. It rankled him. It dragged him over the coals. He would have given anything for Father to smile at him. Anything.

He wants Asuka to smile at him, too.

His heartbeat isn't too quick, but it hasn't quite settled down, either. Interestingly, it has an almost undetectable thrum to it, or maybe that's...] I'm jealous, [he says quietly.] I mean, I thought that was obvious. I'm not subtle at all.

Edited 2016-05-03 07:39 (UTC)

[Asuka doesn't say anything in response for awhile. But it does make her smile, to have him admit it. Shinji isn't subtle, but they both share in having egos shot through with holes. They both can't believe they can ever hold on to a happy thing.]

Good.

[There was more she wanted to say to him. There always is, but it never comes out. Her mouth only seems fit for spewing bile sometimes, never more than when she wants to tell him something important. So she keeps her hand on his chest. Something feels reminiscent about it, like the warmth from her eyepatch, but she pushes the thought aside. Probably, that piece of Bardiel, unhappy with being stifled and concealed in her, just wants to spread, is trying to call out to Shinji in order to infect him, too.]

Me, too.

[Shinji knows he should focus on what he has over what he doesn't. That would do a lot to temper his jealousy into a concern instead of a blade for filleting. He can't spend the rest of his stay here being gutted whenever he sees Asuka hanging out with someone else. That's pure insanity.

He's quiet for a little while. Then,]

If I fall asleep... [He shifts slightly, but not enough to dislodge her head or her hand.] I should warn you about... I have bad dreams, sometimes. I can sleep on the floor if you don't want to deal with that. [To his credit, Kaworu never seemed to mind when Shinji would wake up crying and in a cold sweat. Kaworu never made him feel any more ashamed than he did by default. But imposing himself on Asuka is a different issue.]

No.

[Unwilling to move much, she kicks a half-folded gray blanket from the edge of the bed up towards them, then grabs it, draping it artlessly over both of them. They'll still be sleeping on some covers, but that's all right. Asuka doesn't want to get into the bed properly, scared that's going to erect a barrier between them, that she'll lose the opportunity to get this close again.]

[She has bad dreams, too, most nights that she lets herself fall into something like sleep. Dreams that make her feel weak. Endless battles. Oversyncing with Eva. She won't begrudge what nightmares he has, securely coiling her arm around his waist again. Back when they were kids, Shinji never would have admitted something like that, and she never would have let it go. The whole apartment would've been ablaze with her mocking and his protests. Asuka closes her eye. Maybe they've both grown up after all.]

You stay right here with me.

[It did feel like a gamble on his part, admitting that, but Shinji didn't have a choice but to admit it. Asuka wouldn't have accepted him trying to squirm onto the floor. And if she did decide to mock him for having bad dreams, he'd have all the reason to walk out of here; nothing requires him to stay with her. They're former Eva pilots, and now they stand in defense of nothing but themselves. On some fucked up level, he mourns the fact they don't have Eva to bind them together. Ayanami was right when she said Eva created a connection to people...]

Okay, [he mumbles, tilting his head against hers.] Good night, Asuka. [He doesn't fall asleep right away. He doesn't really need to sleep, even though he's tired of being awake. He's warm and comfortable, at least. He isn't alone. Not for the first time, he wonders if he should request a transfer off of the Heron...

He sleeps soundly for a few hours. Then, out of nowhere, he jerks and struggles. He whimpers. He clenches his teeth, trying to curl in against himself.] Stop, [he says, in a eerily raspy voice.] Stop, stop, stop... stop... I don't... want... [He crushes a hand against his stinging eyes.] Get... out of... [He can't get away. He can't get away. He can't get away and it won't let go of him. It just won't let go of him--let go--please let go--it hurts--]

Edited 2016-05-06 07:33 (UTC)

Shinji.

[She sits up abruptly in bed-- she hasn't been asleep, not at all. Those first struggles, she'd left him alone, but she can't now. His voice doesn't sound right. Rattly, strange, like he's been screaming. Her hand reaches blindly in the dark, finding his hair.]

Shinji, wake up. It's okay.

[Shinji hisses in fear. It's an entirely inhuman sound, somehow prehistoric, and it's cut off as soon as Asuka touches his hair. Just that kind of contact seems to tranquilize him in the way nothing else could begin to. He goes slack against the bunched-up bedding, his breathing uneven...]

... where...?

[He sounds more like himself, albeit sickened and disoriented.]

It's okay.

[At first she hadn't quite believed that sound came from him. She's heard him scream before, way back, but that hiss is unnerving in a whole other way. She's never heard anything quite like it. It's worrisome enough that her hand leaves his hair to latch onto his shoulder, jerking him by it roughly to wake him up, as if he hasn't said just one normal word already.]

It was just a bad dream. [Asuka can't be soothing, can't be like Kaworu. The tension starting to leave Shinji's muscles isn't something she considers crediting herself with. Shinji's just a light sleeper. She's never done anything to calm him down.]

You're with me. Look, it's okay. It's nothing.

[Asuka's untimely yanking is enough to wake Shinji up the rest of the way. He blinks at the darkness, at the unfamiliar ceiling, wondering when she decided to turn out the light. Could've sworn he was only resting his eyes, and then...

And then it wouldn't let him go.]

Asuka...?

[He turns his head to look at her, owl-eyed and bleary and very apologetic. He just knew another nightmare was waiting for the chance to strike. He tried to warn her about it, but she wouldn't listen to him. Now he sighs shakily, and since it's already too late, he burrows in closer to her, seeking out warmth and something like security. At least this ship isn't as cold as the Heron tends to be.]

M'sorry, did I wake you up?

Edited 2016-05-12 14:59 (UTC)

No.

[As he burrows against her, she pulls him tighter, attaching herself to him like a tick. He's spoiled her, in his way, with all this contact, but at the same time, she's punishingly aware of who she isn't, afraid she won't be any real comfort. She never was before.]

[Her hand strokes along his back, rubbing it a few times in small, cautious strokes. She isn't sure if she should ask or not, but curiosity gets the better of her in the end.]

What did you dream about?

[Like most bad dreams, this one is starting to disintegrate, slipping through the cracks in Shinji's mind. He squints at nothing as he tries to remember exactly what was going on. Half of him doesn't want to talk about it, while the other half is feeling warm and safe again. Asuka asked about it, anyway, so maybe she does want to hear it.]

I was... fighting an Angel. Me and Ayanami, we... had to fight, and... I think Kaworu-kun was there, too. Not sure. This Angel was like... like a snake, really long, and it got wrapped around the Eva... [And then it forced its way inside them somehow? Shinji closes his eyes, relaxing more and more. She's seriously not that far off from how Kaworu tends to him after a nightmare.

Faintly:] I wonder if I'll ever see her again...

Edited 2016-05-12 17:52 (UTC)

I don't know. [Asuka's terseness doesn't match up with how she's still holding him close. Ayanami's remained a sore spot years after she should have stopped mattering. It's Ayanami more than Shinji who got her in this shape.]

[She doesn't put too much stock in dreams-- hers tend to be painfully literal. About battles, about herself. There's a recurring nightmare where her teeth fall out one by one, hair spilling onto her bed in ashen hunks as her contamination progresses, quarantined forever in a glyph-covered room. Far from the princess Mari used to call her, she's a monster outside the castle walls.]

You're done with that. [She shuts her eyes. As usual, she hasn't taken off the patch.] Eva piloting. The longer we're here, the less you'll dream about it.

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