driftfleet | And On Your Left You'll See a Tourist Mingle

[ winn has somehow managed to hold himself together while kitty remained on the tourist, but once she left there wasn't anything holding back the flood anymore. he tries working for a little bit, but costumes just seem so pointless, meaningless; how can he work on anything that isn't making sure kitty goes home with him, knowing what's waiting for her if she's sent back to her own world? but how can he work on that when he can't think straight, can't even begin to construct a theory?

he abandons the costume he's been working on, and sneaks away to his own room, avoiding the eyes of anyone who may pass him by in the halls. when he makes it there, he shuts the door, collapses on his bed, and finally lets the shuddering sobs he's not really sure how he managed to hold in - out.

life isn't fair, and he knows it, he knows it all too well, but there has to be a line, there has to be some end to it, right? ]

[ Wanting to ask his opinion on her DIY mask, Kara sets out to look for her new shipmate. She checks her office first, but sees little sign on him, and remembers he has his own room now! She bounces over that direction, but as she nears the room, her super-hearing picks up on something. Kara hesitates... maybe he doesn't want to be disturbed? The door is closed... but... when in her entire life has she left someone alone when they seem to be in distress? She finally knocks. ]

Winn? It's Kara.

[ she can't help the concern creeping into her voice ]

[ he ignores the knock - but stiffens at the sound of kara's voice. he sucks in a quick breath, trying to clear his mind; if he doesn't answer soon, she'll just come in. if he answers - she'll hear how messed up he sounds and just come in. actually, judging by her voice she's already heard and that's why she's knocking. he can't tell her what's wrong, and suddenly his chest tightens with a new found panic - what is he going to say? he can't lie to kara. he can barely lie period, but to his best friend? if she comes in, he may end up saying something he has no right to. if she doesn't - he has no idea how he'll ever pick himself up again.

sniffling, he roughly wipes his eyes (a moot gesture, the tears won't stop coming), and clears his throat. ]

Is it urgent?

I think that's your call.

[ maybe not the best response, but she pretty much figures she's getting in the room one way or another. Just, preferably with his permission. She is all about consent. ]

[ well, that answers that question. pressing his hands against his eyes in an attempt to stop the crying - keeping her from knowing something is wrong is a lost cause, but he can look less like an absolute mess, can't he? - he sucks in a few shuddering breaths. ]

Then not really. [ it's a long shot, pushing her away hasn't really worked for him in the past - and don't get him wrong, he's incredibly grateful for it - but he feels like he has to at least try. the pain he's feeling is nothing compared to what kitty's had to go through, what kara's had to go through. he has no right to burden either one of them with it. ]

Winn...

[ it's more the tone with which she says his name than the name itself. Tender, concerned, sympathetic, with just a tinge of her signature hope, and her slightly less signature yet prevalent pouting. she takes a breath and sighs, though whether he can hear that or just the pause is up for debate ]

I'll leave if you really want me to. But I don't think you do. We don't have to talk about whatever, but tell me I can come in. What's the point of sharing a ship with your best friend if you can't be there for him?

[ that tone of voice fills him with guilt. if the show were on the other foot - he'd want more than anything to be let in, to help in some way - however small - and he knows kara has to be feeling the same. there doesn't seem to be a good option here, but that figures at this point, how can there be a good option when it feels like everything good gets beaten to death?

he sighs and wipes his face on his sleeve, finally pulling himself up and making the short journey to the door. with eyes cast downwards, he opens the door and gestures for her to come in. he can't deal with more guilt. ]

[ She steps in, and reaches out a hand to lightly squeeze his arm, if he doesn't pull away. She's holding her masquerade mask but she's kind of forgotten about it ]

Hey. Thank you.

[ she closes the door behind her and sits down on his bed ]

So you do or don't want to talk about it...? Because we could talk about how nice this room is instead.

[ he doesn't pull away, and instead even offers her a faint smile in reply before joining her on the bed. ]

It's a pretty nice room. [ his voice in weak, still a little choked. ]

Did you see how good I was with all the knocking and waiting to be let in?

[ a question hoping to break the mood at least slightly ]

[ it works; it even wins her a more substantial smile. ]

I'm very proud.

[ she smiles back. and offers a hug ]

[ he'll gratefully accept, and cling a little. it takes everything he has not to break into tears again. ]

[ she's ok with clinging. she can handle it ]

Give me a hint?

[ she only speaks after a moment, and doesn't let go of the hug ]

[ he's quiet for a moment. well, maybe he can't tell kara about kitty's side of the conversation they just had, but he can tell her about his, and the constant terror he lives with of seeing his father again here - or a version of his father - or a version of himself that's turned into his father - or turning into him himself because so many things here feel like they could so easily push him over the edge if he really has that tendency in him. ]

Kitty and I talked...about her world, and ours. [ he closes his eyes for a moment, willing himself to control his voice. ] About my dad.

[ they talked about Kitty's world? that would suggest at least some of this reaction. But she focuses on what he's saying about himself ]

Oh, Winn. You couldn't be further away from him right now.

Couldn't I? Because I kinda doubt prison bars mean anything to these people.

[ if they could take supergirl, they could take anyone. not that he -- can think of a single reason why anyone would want to watch his insane father, but then again, anyone who would tune in to watch a bunch of people ripped as far away from their homes as possible against their will has to be sick. ] I could run into him tomorrow, or to a him that I'll never be able to trust because if he figured out he could pretend to be something else and win me over - I can't say that he wouldn't do that. [ actually, he's pretty sure he'd do just that. he may be crazy, but he's also a genius.

and as much as this is not at all what's been making him cry, it feels good to let it out, to say it out loud. ]

Any number of things could happen, but what's the point in worrying about all infinite possibilities? It seems like an exercise in self torture more than anything else. The fact of the matter is that he isn't here, you are. And you're really nothing like him.

[ and there's the part that's hardest to admit - and not just because it would require explaining what kitty shared with him. he feels more like him than ever. he's been filled with so much anger since their talk, a blinding fury towards everything in kitty's world, everyone that's hurt her. he can't afford to go blind, not for a second, not considering the stakes.

he pulls away from her arms, suddenly feeling unworthy of the comfort, and avoids her eyes. ]

I wish that were true. [ but if he's capable of such rage, such hatred, what else is he capable of? ]

Winn, it is true. I know you.

I'm not sure I know myself here.

[ he can't hack, he's still struggling to help her regain her powers, the only project he's been successful at so far -- is making a couple dresses. he's useless. everything he was good at at home - has been stripped away from him, and in its place...he's gotten surprisingly good with people. kitty, kate, kaworu, even kirk...he's made more friends in less than two months here than he has in years back home. and it's not that he's ungrateful for that particular change - he absolutely is - but it highlights how different everything is here. there's a machine attached to his brain and he has no idea what it's doing besides making him good with spaceship engines. is he even in control of himself?

all the anxiety he's been burying down since he arrived floats back up to the surface. ]

What do you mean by that?

[ time to put those brackets out in the open? ]

[ but that's scary, though. he knows she'll reassure him, tell him it's not his fault, and he'll want to believe her, trust her. but even so, the words are incredibly hard to say, to face up to. he hates that he has these feelings, more than anything he wants to be strong for her and for kitty, like they're being for their respective worlds - and for him. ]

Just...[ he runs a hand through his hair, wishing he let the subject drop, wishing he said you're right and stepped away from the topic. grateful that he didn't - he shouldn't go back to bottling things up, that leads nowhere good. ] I can't help you. I can't uncover any new information. I can't...do anything, unless it's trivial like costumes for a party.

[ being helpful has become a pillar of his personality, and he doesn't recognize himself without it. it feels like everything that was useful about him is slowly being replaced with anger. ]

Winn, we've known each other for two years. You were the first person I met at CatCo. I was so nervous and you made me smile. How long have you known I'm Supergirl? A few months? If that?

We didn't become friends because you were, I don't know, useful to me. To Supergirl. We became friends because you're... you. You have this energy that just brightens the space around you. You were the fourth person in my entire life who knew about what I could do. If I ever thought for a fraction of a second that you would exploit that... I never would have shared.

I was here for weeks before you showed up, Winn. Weeks where, yeah, I didn't have my powers. And that's so frustrating. But you know what I missed way more than my ability to fly? My friends. You. So I don't know where you're getting all of this "I can't help you" stuff. You can help me. You have helped me. I sleep so much better knowing that I have a true friend just a few doors away from me, who won't mind if I need to wake him up in the middle of the night just to pour my heart out. Who will always look out for me when I forget to look out for myself. And who will drop everything to save my rear and dress me up for a last minute party.

Trivial as it may be, it matters to me. You matter to me. I'd be so lonely here without you.

[ all the feelings he's been struggling with are still there - he still feels helpless to help kitty, furious at himself for it because the stakes are so high. he's still angry that the stakes were raised that far to begin with. he's still afraid of what that rage may mean for him, still terrified of what tomorrow may bring.

but now, other feelings that have been beaten down rise up to join them. hope, gratitude, love (and not the awkward kind). he spends so much of his life smiling through it that sometimes it's easy to forget how amazing allowing a friend to offer comfort can be.

despite all the darkness, all the fears, he finds himself smiling. it's that power that's uniquely kara's. ]

I don't know what I'd be here without you. [ it's honest, and awed, and grateful. he connects with kitty in a way he never really did with anyone before - but what he shares with kara...is irreplaceable. she's the first real family he's had since he was a child. ] Or anywhere. You're not just my friend, Kara. You're my family.

Closed to Kara

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