driftfleet | (no subject)

No, it's not. What did it mean for you?

I don't know?

Like. There's still part of me that's waiting to go in. Because Compliance fixes you, and that's important. But I also didn't want my kids going in, because I knew it wasn't really great for them.

I guess it means wanting two different things that can't both be true.

[If she lets him, he'll reach over to cover her nearest hand with one of his.]

If you knew it wasn't great for them, perhaps it wasn't the right choice for you, either. Wrath, no matter what else this Fleet brings to you, I promise you I will not allow Compliance to take you as long as I am here.

[Of course she lets him. She likes touching, just in general. So she smiles at him and turns her hand to give his a squeeze.]

I know you won't. Even if they were here. [She doesn't know how to explain it. That she knows he's right, but at the same time cannot shake the urge to go in and report. ]

[It's hard to tell, and he's glad he made the right choice.]

There aren't many things that anger me, Wrath. Betraying one's own people is one of those.

[One corner of her lips quirk.] I think they'd say I was the traitor to my city now.

They would. That doesn't make what they say right.

How do I know that you're right and they're wrong? [There's no accusation to the question. It's one of those things where she's never quite sure. She thinks Vision is right, she trusts him more than anyone in Bifrons, but she can't really say why.]

[No, it's a fair question and he doesn't seem to be offended by it.]

You must gather all the information available to you and use your best judgment. All people judge differently, because what is right for one person may be wrong for another. You must trust yourself, but you must also try to make your decisions as informed as possible.

I don't trust myself about most things like that. [Shrug.]

It is a work in progress for everyone, Wrath. [Even him.] That does not mean it's not worthwhile to try.

I know.

But I trust what you say more than I trust myself. You know when things are real or not.

[That's...an interesting way to put it.]

You mistrust your own perceptions, then.

Yeah. I forget too much stuff.

Perhaps that's something we can work on. There are ways to train your memory - simple exercises that can have a cumulative effect.

Charles wants me to start keeping a diary. He said what's wrong with my memory isn't normal.

No, it's not.

[He looks troubled as he clarifies.]

I--recall some of what I saw during the Calibrations, Wrath. Even the amount of extreme combat you've seen wouldn't account for what I saw there.

Oh.

[Eh. One more person walking around in her brain. Whatever. What are personal boundaries.]

What did it look like?

[He closes his eyes so he can bring up the memory more accurately.]

Part of it was a cityscape, which is a normal type of image. However, the city was damaged. Structures, roads, fences--all had holes in them. Not artillery damage, but areas of nothingness. Water pipes and electric lines poured into nothingness one moment and resumed in the next. You were in a clear area, practicing with your energy sword, protecting a building which appeared mostly whole. I didn't approach the building, but I could see through the windows it had your art inside.

Rather than a sky, there was a dome above all; it was cracked, and a sunset was showing through.

[She can imagine it, the way he describes it. Maybe she'll try to draw it, and then show him to see if she imagined right.]

So I guess those holes are like my memory?

[That would be a really good idea, actually.]

Your memory, your thoughts - anything that was lost to you. If it were to fade naturally, we might see an empty lot. If there was trauma, perhaps a shelled ruin of a building. That there are pieces simply gone suggests they were removed by an outside force.

Does that make sense to you?

[She nods.]

Yeah, it does.

So I guess stuff is just... gone.

I'm afraid so.

[His tone is gentle, because he knows it's a horrible thing to think of. Pieces of memory just gone--]

But the underlying structure is strong enough to support new growth - new memories. The human mind is remarkable in its capacity for self-healing.

[She shrugs one shoulder, smile going a bit wry.]

It's easier that way, I think. Knowing it's gone. Because then I don't have to wonder what I'm doing wrong that I can't get it back. And people can stop asking me if maybe I just tried to remember a little harder... it's not there. It's never going to be there.

So it's not worth worrying about, I guess.

[He reaches over to squeeze her hand.]

On the contrary, most would find it worrisome that their memories are damaged. Just because they cannot be recovered does not mean they should not be mourned.

You're doing nothing wrong, Wrath. Is it someone here who is intimating you are?