driftfleet | he's probably fine.

Entry tags:

he's probably fine.

Who: Mikleo
Broadcast: Fleetwide
Action: On the Huntress!
When: Now, basically

[You know what's great about being a seraph? Never getting sick. You know what's not great about being a seraph? Having zero frame of reference for what being sick is like when you experience it for the first time. And after a month of quietly enduring and/or ignoring it, despite being a water elemental trapped on a planet full of poisonous water, it's finally caught up to him.

It doesn't help that this realization comes hand in hand with the fact that he's been upgraded to captain, apparently, which is as nonsensical a decision as he's ever heard from the Atroma. The one perk - besides the sudden lack of malevolence on the Huntress due to Greed's departure - means that he now has a big bed to curl up and be miserable in.]

I have a few questions.

is there some sort of guide for captain's duties? for those who lack experience.

also:

how do you tell whether you are dying or just sick

[...Those questions should probably have had a completely different priority, but whatever. He's too sick to be bothered.

He makes an attempt at sending this out as an anonymous communication, but he's a bit too light-headed and bleary-eyed to pull it off, so it probably doesn't work too well. He still doesn't show up on camera, so there is that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh geez Mikleo. Why didn't you say anything? [Between Sorey busying himself with ship maintenance and Mikleo settling into his new duties, they haven't seen much of each other. Which has been...weird. And awkward. But they've been apart for longer before.

...not often, but they have.]

Hang on, hang on. [He passes the bowl over, disappears and returns with a washcloth and some water.] Here, push your hair up. I'll get your forehead.

[Does he really have to answer that? Because the answer he wants to give is kind of salty. He opts to stay quiet for the moment instead; he's not sure that he trusts that his fever will allow for any kind of coherence. Maybe once he gets some water down his throat or something.

It's weird for Sorey to be taking care of him. Mikleo rests the bowl in his lap with one hand and uses the other to hold his hair back, tugging the golden circlet off and setting it aside.]

...Thanks.

Don't mention it. It's just coming around, right? I can't even count how many times you've done this for me. [Sorey sops the washcloth, wrings it out and starts mopping down Mikleo's face and neck.] Dezel's sick too. Apparently returning to my soul doesn't help out any, otherwise I'd suggest that. Still up for it if you are though, you at least wouldn't have to worry about finding a comfortable position to lie in.

[Mikleo resists for a moment, then gives up and leans into it, letting Sorey support his weight. He's too tired to bother right now. How do humans manage dealing with this several times a year?]

No... if it's gotten this deep I don't want to risk poisoning you. It'll pass.

[And to be honest, even if that wasn't a concern, the fact that Sorey had so violently rejected their connection last time makes him less comfortable about trying.]

[...yeah okay no] Nothing happened with Dezel, and he said it was more comfortable. It won't hurt to try.

[Well, damn, there goes his main excuse. It is a relief that the condition doesn't seem to be contagious, if Dezel's presence didn't hurt him, but that's not the only issue here.

Again, he considers staying silent, but that's always been hard to do. He'd rather be honest with Sorey, even if it might end badly.]

...But is that something you'd want?

[Sorey sighs and drags a hand through his hair. Well, they'll have to address this sooner or later. It feels unfair to do it while Mikleo's sick, but...he'll just make sure to keep his cool.]

Is this because of what happened when we armatized?

[Mikleo's not sure he's in the best state to deal with this, either, but the thought of waiting for this to go away - more tense and awkward days and stilted conversations - is dreadful. They need to hash this out, or at least open a few doors.]

...You've never done that before.

[Because despite the excuse - that he'd felt off, that it was the planet - Mikleo could tell it was a lie, and not just because Sorey's lousy at dishonesty. It was the way the armatization had come apart. Before, it always happened so naturally. When Sorey calls his true name he's pulled, unresisting, and when they separate it's a natural thing, both knowing and accepting when it's the right time without even expressing it to one another.

This was different. He'd been... ejected. Forced out, like they didn't belong together. Everything about it felt wrong.]

Yeah... [Sorey rubs the back of his neck. He might've only been using armatization for a very short time, but from the start it had felt so natural. Not just with Mikleo, with all his seraphim, but Mikleo- theirs was a bit more special.

Sorey might've done irreparable harm by ignoring that, and then lying on top of it.]

I wasn't- I wasn't trying to force you out. I just didn't want you to feel something I'd felt.

So... you'd rather push me away than share with me how you feel.

[That's- that's worse. Not just confirming his fears, but adding even more to the pile.

It hurts, yes - stings like hell - but it also worries him a great deal. The last time Sorey had gone to such great lengths to hide things, he'd only caused himself harm, when the pact was deteriorating his body. For him to do it again... how much worse must this situation be, for him to hide things again?

On top of that... hiding things from the others, or the rest of the crew, that's one thing. But from him?]

[The terrible thing about it too is that this isn't worse. At least, not in the same respect. Sorey isn't in poor health or physical danger, he's not hiding anything to protect someone from the guilt. He can tell himself all day long that he'd pulled away to protect Mikleo, but that's not the whole truth either.

No, honestly? He'd done it to protect himself. He hadn't wanted Mikleo to see something that very closely resembles bitterness and envy. Sorey's never been made to feel ashamed for what he is, but those thoughts are inevitable when you live among a people completely unlike and, in seemingly all aspects, better than what you are.

But these are thoughts upon which Sorey cannot dwell. Maybe if things were different. Maybe if he didn't need to keep himself clean. Lailah said that the trials and tribulations of the Shepard were difficult beyond measure but it's not until now, here, with all this stillness and room to do nothing but think that Sorey is beginning to understand the caution in her words.]

It's because of what you thought, [he tells Mikleo quietly, unable to look him in the face. He wishes Lailah were here. Or Zaveid. Dezel might help him later, if he needs it, but Dezel...he has his own problems. Sorey doesn't want to burden him with his.

An older seraph who'd spent time around more humans might know what to tell him. Mikleo's hardly experienced a thing Sorey hasn't. He can't expect him to have all the answers just because of what he is.] ...about mortals.

Edited 2016-05-20 22:33 (UTC)

[Ah.

That... okay, that makes Mikleo go still, as if frozen in time by his own thoughts. Before, he'd felt concern, a frustrated hurt that wasn't quite anger but was right on the brink of becoming it. But hearing that...

Because of him?

Because of what he thought?

His hands clench into small fists, and he, too, can't lift his head to look at Sorey. It's easier to speak honestly when he can't see the other's expression, though realizing that makes it dangerous, too. He doesn't want to depend on that sort of behaviour.]

It wasn't... it wasn't about mortals. Not- all of them. It's never been about you.

[That's what Gramps always said, isn't it? It feels a little hollow to be echoing those words now, for a reason he can't quite place. Sorey is human, Sorey is mortal, but he's never been like the others. Sorey understands, to the extent that no other human could. His respect for life, for balance, his belief, and more than anything, that purity Lailah spends so much time encouraging and worrying about. All of it accumulates to make Sorey better.

He's so much better that it's too easy to forget what he is, most of the time. And now it's hurting him.

I was careless...]

[This is what he wanted to avoid, that guilt in Mikleo's voice, the shame on his face. Sorey can't quite look at him either but he knows it's there.

His hands clench over his knees. The worst is that he can't just shove empty platitudes at Mikleo, reassure him that it's fine because it isn't. It would just be another lie and it would hurt Mikleo even worse. He'd taken a stand on this issue before, with Gramps, but...maybe he should've talked about this with Mikleo too. He'd just sat back and hoped that once Mikleo interacted with humans, as they traveled with Alisha and Rose that maybe things would be different, that maybe Mikleo would change his mind.

That was a mistake.]

No, [Sorey says slowly.] Mikleo, I- I can't be the exception. [He takes a deep breath, finally looks up at Mikleo and the guilt is almost palpable when he sees how sick he looks. He's never seen Mikleo look this way. He should've brought this up later.] ...I'm sorry. But I'm not- You can't think of me as better than everybody else. If you do, I'm-

[I don't have anyone to fall back on.]

[The movement, so close, forces Mikleo to look up as well, though what he sees - the conflict in Sorey's eyes, the worry in his expression - just makes him look down again. The fact that Sorey couldn't finish is worrisome, because what does he mean? But at the same time, he just can't agree.]

It's not about what you are, but... who you are. How you act, how you treat people- humans and seraphim alike. It's why Lailah chose you, after waiting as long as she did. It's why everyone's willing to follow you and support you. You're not better than the other humans, you're just-

[He gestures vaguely, grasping for the words, not willing to say them if they'll just end up hurtful. He's better than all of them. Humans, seraphim, anyone. He's the best person Mikleo knows.

Years ago, he'd never say something like that to keep Sorey from developing an ego about it, though he'd always believed it. Now... is it just putting even more weight on his shoulders than he's already carrying?

It's not like he can take it back now, but now he's regretting it.]

[Sorey's already shaking his head, because he's not getting it, Mikleo's not getting it. Sorey has to explain it to him clearly. He has to make himself understood, for both their sakes.] If a strong tree sprouts from the ground, do you praise the seed or the earth that nurtured it?

Mikleo, I'm the seed. Maybe- maybe something about me makes me special, I don't know, but if anyone else had been in my position, it could've been just the same.

[He looks up and begs with his eyes, with his tone, by the way he leans forward. It's for Alisha, for her people. For Father Breunor, for all of the humans who just wanted to live their lives in peace. People he still feels so separate from but, after meeting them, after seeing them laugh and live together even when times are so grim, he feels more kinship with them than ever.

Their lives are finite. There's no time to do anything but care, as hard as you possibly can.]

I'm a mortal too. I'm as capable of doing anything as they are. If all mortals are clumsy, and negligent and foolish, then so am I.

[Hesitantly, Mikleo forces himself to look up again, to meet Sorey's gaze properly. He hates that this is making them both so distressed, but now that they've gotten things moving again, he can't let it stop.]

I... I know that. I'm not saying you're perfect. This- this is me you're talking to, remember?

[The attempt to be flippant falls flat, and he abandons it immediately, forging ahead, his brows furrowing in determination. He's trying to understand Sorey's position, but there are things Sorey needs to understand, too.]

No one expects mortals to never make mistakes. It's not like the seraphim are perfect either, remember? The ones we've met proved that, just as much as any of the humans have. Those who get angry and fall to malevolence, like the Lords of the Land... those who gave up on humans, like Edna... those who used them, like Dezel... even everyone in Elysia, myself included, just hid behind Gramps' barrier where it was safe, and let the world rot below us.

[He's not ashamed of that, not exactly, although he knows now that it was wrong. It's how they were raised, it's what they were always taught. If Sorey hadn't rebelled against it to find Alisha, Mikleo would have been content to stay there as long as they could. Elysia was home, and the whole village was his family. There had been no human he cared about but Sorey until Alisha had proven herself just as kind. He'd had no reason to leave.]

I don't hate mortals. You know that. I can't even resent them, even with all the malevolence they create, when I can see that they're trying. That's why, I...

[He loses his nerve, ducking his head again and pressing one hand to his face. He doesn't want to get angry again, but- it's hard. This place is horrible, and it's bringing out the worst of him.]

I hate it here, Sorey.

[Sorey can't really argue any of that. It's all Mikleo's experiences, what he's taken away from the journey. Though some of it stings-

I can't even resent them, even with all the malevolence they create

-he can't argue with that, either. Whatever their individual feeling are aside, the facts are the facts. Mortals are the ones who have steeped the world in malevolence, and even innocent seraphim suffer from it.

What was it that had hit him so hard, then? At the time he'd thought it was something Mikleo had said, had thought or felt that had just jarred him so hard that he'd wrenched away. But if Mikleo's saying he didn't think the way Sorey thought he did, had he just...imagined it? Was it really all just in his head?]

I know, [Sorey says softly, and that's as sincere as he can get it because he does. He knows Mikleo hates the sterility of their environment, he hates not having all their friends, he hates not having the freedom to go wherever he wishes. He hates that the only places they stop are just as artificial or even more polluted than their own world. Most of all, he must hate that they can't do anything against the malevolence they see wrapping around the people here like a protective shroud. Sorey can feel it, but not like the seraphim do. However ill it makes him, it must be so much worse for them.] I know you hate it. We've been here for months, and...nothing. No clues on how to go back home.

I don't mean that. The fleet, the ships, it's- it's not ideal, obviously. I won't deny that. I want to go back. But it's not... all bad, either. There aren't any hellions, and Dezel's alive, and we're learning a lot about what's beyond our own world. There are good people here.

[And it's... well, it's an adventure, the two of them exploring together once again. It's a lot like when they were kids, before Sorey became the Shepherd and everything changed. He doesn't regret those changes, but he can feel nostalgia for what they lost in the process, surely.]

What I meant... it's this moon. The mortals here destroyed it, destroyed everything trying to change it, just so they could claim it for themselves. They should be focusing on how to reverse it, at least minimize the damage they're still doing, but instead they put masks on and play games. It's horrible.

[Even here, away from the planet, it aches to think about it. The sluggish flow of poison in the water, churning up from the core, spreading and infecting everything in its path...

He swallows hard, fist clenched at his forehead so tightly his knuckles are going white.]

They don't want to acknowledge that it's dying, but it's all I've been able to feel since we got here...

[Sorey can understand what Mikleo's saying, at least the barest meanings of it; the planet was rotting, completely and utterly desecrated. It was horrible and though Sorey had enjoyed exploring the culture of the people, he couldn't deny how nature had been twisted. It was disgusting and horrible, but Mikleo- for him, it was so much more visceral. Like malevolence; no matter how unpleasant Sorey finds it, somehow, it's always worse for his seraphim. The limitations of being mortal, maybe.

Guilt surges up with his inability to understand Mikleo as deeply as he should, and he reaches up to cup Mikleo's hand between his, not liking how tightly he's curled it.] Don't strain yourself, Mikleo. I'm- I hear what you're saying. I don't understand, I'm not sure I can, but I hear you.

[He urges Mikleo back against the pillows again, rewetting the cloth to wipe down his face.] I'm sorry I shut you out. I shouldn't have hidden my heart from you when you were already in pain like that.

[Mikleo doesn't put up much of a fight, slumping back against the bed and closing his eyes. For a long set of moments he just focuses on the cold water on his skin, letting it ease some of the heat he'd been feeling for too long already. It can't fix what's wrong with him, but he hadn't realized how much he'd needed this small comfort until now.]

I... don't blame you. Maybe I should have told you sooner, too, but... I think a part of me was hoping you wouldn't notice, either. I've never felt like this before.

[He sighs wearily. If he's allowed to be annoyed with Sorey for not being honest, he'd better stop dancing around his own issues.]

I remember what Lailah said, once... to deny ourselves, to resist what we know as reality- it's what lets in the malevolence. That's why I was so passionate about it. I had to do something, I had to try, so I wouldn't...

[--Become a hellion. And he can't say the words, because saying it aloud used to be so much easier when it wasn't about himself.

I was scared.]

[That, at least, Sorey can pick up on with no need for translation. He rests a hand on Mikleo's chest and leans over him, brow scrunched.]

I won't let that happen. I promise. You'll never be a hellion Mikleo, I swear.

[With anyone else, such a promise would be just empty words. After all, no one can guarantee the future. Stronger and wiser seraphim than he have become hellions, those who know how to rein in all the awful feelings that nurture malevolence. They lived for hundreds, thousands of years and still fell into darkness in the wrong situation. And a human, someone who'll live a hundred years if they're lucky, can't guarantee never to an immortal. It's ludicrous. Unbelievable, really.

Sorey, though... Sorey could make him believe pretty much anything. There's nothing empty about that sort of conviction, or the trust they share.

Mikleo doesn't respond outright, but he does nod slightly, offering up his forearm, his hand shifting to a more relaxed fist this time. For all the difficulties they've had lately, they haven't lost each other. The rest doesn't matter.]

[Sorey taps his arm to Mikleo's.

It's not like he's unaware, or that he's optimistic to the point of idiocy. It's not that he's denying his own reality; that as a human being, Mikleo's lifespan will far outstrip his own. That as a mortal, he's just as susceptible to the corruption of malevolence as anybody else. He knows it, and Mikleo knows it to. As friends, there's never a thing that they couldn't share with each other. That's why their armatization always fits a little bit better, why learning alongside Mikleo has always been a much smoother process. As partners, they're unstoppable because of the strength of their bonds.

If it was only that simple, maybe this wouldn't be so hard.]

I understand how important this is to you now, Mikleo. [To make this about him, about his insecurities- it would be selfish. All Mikleo's ever done is support him. It's about time he gave a little more back.] Let me be your strength this time. We can try again- I won't hide anything from you. We can try as many times as you need, and maybe with the armatization, you won't get sick.

[Mikleo frowns a little at that, quiet for a moment longer before he opens his eyes again, glancing over at Sorey. The offer is kind, and not surprising, considering the source of it. But time and distance have at least given him a few clues at what he should be doing, here.]

I want to say yes... and I'm not really saying no, I guess, but... it won't help. We'd just be wasting our energy and adding to our frustration. Whatever is going on here, our kind of purification isn't the answer, even with something as powerful as armitization. We need to look deeper.

[It's not the same as giving up, even if it feels like it. More of a reality check.

They're going to need some help with this one.]

[He's right, of course. Not everything here can be solved just by him being the Shepard and Mikleo and Dezel being seraphim. In fact, it seems like very very little can be solved with just that. It's the opposite of home, where he had to pick and choose which problems to tackle. Here, it seems like every issue that crops up not only doesn't have a use for them, but will actually get worse with their interference.

They'll have to approach this the Mikleo and Sorey way, rather than the seraphim and Shepard way.] It seems like a lot of people on the Fleet are already pretty concerned about this. I'm sure we can find someone who needs our help; and you can read the water, so your detection skills will probably be really useful. We should ask around.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject