driftfleet | may mingle (blameless!)

I spent a month as - myself, and as easy as it was, I still went back to using the serum. [he shrugs] I just mean - I'm not a shining example of balancing who I am with what I am.

This is who you are, too, though. I don't think it's that different than someone who, like Alex's mom, identifies as a blonde. Just because her hair is naturally gray at this point doesn't mean she's not being true to herself when she dyes it. The same can be said for a lot of things. This version of you is just as much you—if not more, maybe—than any other version of you.

[he can't help but smile a little]

I'm doing a little more than dying my hair, though. But - I get what you mean. Trust me, I agree with you.

It's interesting, because I feel like in some ways we're opposites. I want to embrace the parts of me that set me apart, but I know how important it is to fit in. For everyone. I wouldn't be able to do half the things I do without having the plain, "boring" side of me.

[the smile widens, turning a bit wry]

We are opposites in some ways. I've - given up on fitting in so much as . . . I'm working up to embracing what sets me apart. Compromising. [he sighs, running a hand through his hair] But the plain, boring side of me is still something I fall back on, when I don't want to compromise anymore.

I think that's fair. I cheat, too.

Honestly, I think everyone cheats. But - when we do it, it's more obvious. [dryly] And invites arguments.

You kind of mentioned that. People disapprove?

They mean well? But - they're very . . . secure in themselves and what they are, too.

Which, sure, maybe works great for them, but that doesn't mean it's your thing.

Mmm. Not that I don't respect their advice, but . . . it isn't that easy, either.

I haven't really told you very much about the Hank I knew at home, have I? Director Henshaw?

[he shakes his head]

You haven't, no.

Well, he's kind of like... I don't know, a surrogate dad-boss to me and Alex. Which doesn't mean we always like each other very much, but he does try to look out for us.

He's a Martian. A real, from-Mars Martian. He's green and everything, and is also a telepath and can phase through objects like Kitty. Luckily the brain stuff doesn't work on me, but it's come in handy once or twice. Oh, and his name is really J'onn J'onzz. Martians: they're just like us! Kind of.

Anyway. We didn't know that for ages... Alex worked with him for nearly two years before finding out. Turns out the real Hank Henshaw was a bigoted alien hunter. Something happened, and long story short, J'onn saw the opportunity to take over his position, and change the direction of the DEO—the government organization he works for. And he's been at it for a long time, since me and Alex were kids.

Recently, I remembered what happened when people found out about him. He was arrested, and was going to be sent to a black-ops experiment site. Now Hank—J'onn, he's one of the most honorable men I know. And like me, pretty much the last of his kind. All he wanted to do in his life was to help people, and do good on this Earth, and in order to do that in the face of persecution, he had to hide.

In order to do what I do, I have to do the opposite of hide, while also kind of hiding, you know?

Long story short, I guess it's just a matter of circumstance. What works for me wouldn't work for him. I have the benefit of looking pretty much exactly like a human and he doesn't. It's an important difference when it comes to this stuff.

[he listens quietly, nodding here and there. She told him about the black-ops experiment site, but not much else]

He sounds like a really great guy.

[he leans on the counter, huffing out a noise] It is an important difference. I - before the blue and everything, I hid in plain sight, too. [wryly] In a government facility, no less. Even knowing my boss was supportive, and - hell, he was looking for mutants, I still hid it from him. He would have never found out had Charles not outed me by accident.

Raven understands it too, but - she's okay with who she is. "Mutant and proud", is what she says. And - I'm not not proud of who I am, but on the other hand, I . . . can't be proud like she is. Or like Erik is.

[ ~~sounds like the words of people who have cool powers~~ ]

How does Charles feel about any of this?

Charles is the only one I've never argued with. [but he sombers a little, sighing] But he's a telepath, so he's had to deal with his fair share of . . . people who don't understand. And he's taken the serum for his own reasons.

[ she reaches out a hand, to squeeze his if he'll go along with it ]

I think what's most important is that you own your reasons. It's no one else's business.

[he's spent so long the other way that at first, his grip is careful - and then he remembers there's no claws or strength to worry about, and tightens his hold a little]

Don't worry, that's the one thing I am good at.

[ she appreciates that he's tentative, even though he'd have to work at hurting her. she doesn't let go after the hand squeeze, especially since he's more sure of his grip, but she also doesn't really have a plan ]

I'm pretty sure you're good at more than one thing.

[he doesn't let go either, but his expression sort of . . . shifts. Into something a little more guilty, really, because he has to . . . talk to her. About things he isn't even sure he's qualified to talk about, and yet. And yet somehow it's a thing he has to handle]

No, no I'm . . . bad at most everything else. Like - pretending I didn't catch your subtle question earlier, or - starting conversations. That one I'm terrible at.

[ she notices the energy shift ]

And yet... sounds like that's going somewhere?

[in a move that's terribly mature and adult of him, he—

Drops his head down on his arm and groans]

I don't want to hurt you, Kara.

Well, I'm actually pretty sturdy and usually invulnerable so...

But that's not what you meant, is it?

[oh my god]

No . . . that's not what I meant.

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