driftfleet | may mingle (blameless!)

[ It's hard, being honest, and it makes her heart feel like it's about to break into pieces all over again - because all the things she feels are almost too much for her, an intensity that she had tried to hide for so long. Raven was meant to be strong and she had learned to hide how she felt to make herself stronger, truly emulating the man that had once been her leader, and coming back from that in the arms of someone she knew she didn't have to pretend in front of was like breaking down a wall holding everything back.

Maybe what she needs is to just talk - maybe what she needs is just to let it all out, and she trusts Hank to listen to her. She doesn't trust Charles in that way, not right now, because all her memories of trusting Charles are tinged with him wanting to give advice that seem more like lecturing than anything else, as if he knew better how she ought to act and behave. She knows he's grown since then, but some things still grate on her and make her feel uncomfortable and unable to really speak.

Sometimes, Raven thinks that what she really feels isn't as important as what she should be feeling. Maybe it's true - maybe it isn't. She hasn't lead a perfect life, and it's harder to distinguish these days. ]

Charles wouldn't have either. I know that - there's no way Charles would let him near that place if he thought Erik would threaten his dream. [ The stupid dream of mutant equality with humanity, of a perfect school where the children could be free and happy. It would be wonderful if it was that easy, and - bitterly, she admits that the dream wasn't stupid. If she could find peace she would take it, grasp it with both hands, but she sees the things Charles doesn't in the rest of the world, and she's incapable of ignoring it.

Slowly, she begins to speak. ]

When I woke up here it was - less than a week since he had tried to kill me and I learned in less than an hour that he was dating my brother and they had gone home together. When we left, Hank, when Charles let me go and we left Cuba with Azazel, Janos and the others... Erik was everything I had. He was everything I had left because I had to let Charles go. Do you understand?

[ Erik hadn't just been her leader. He had taken the place of Charles in her life, guiding and teaching her, protecting her and keeping her safe - but he also allowed her a freedom that Charles didn't and, in the end, she had abandoned him as well. She wasn't proud of it, and she wasn't glad to hear where he had spent the last decade, but she had to keep going because he couldn't. ]

The only thing I can remember is the look in his eyes when he held up the gun. Like... Like I was just another hurdle to jump - that's what it felt like. Like I was one more obstacle in the way, and suddenly all of that, all the things we shared and all the time we spent together... It didn't mean anything. It was like I didn't mean anything.

[ And maybe that was the worst part. She knew why he made the choice, why he needed her to die, but - she doesn't want to. It hurts so much to think that she was so disposable to someone that she had loved fiercely. ]

It doesn't matter what Charles would have thought. [he wants to make the clear; Charles and Erik had a deeper history than any of them, another world Hank only knew a little about, but even with that, if Hank and Erik hadn't become closer than they ever were back home . . . ] If I didn't think Erik was worth the second chance, I wouldn't have let him near the place.

[and he means that, too. He can remember the two of them talking about it, and Hank jokingly asking Erik if he was trying to give him reasons to bar him from the mansion. He had the reasons, sure - but he had experiences that overrode those. It wasn't just for Charles' sake that Hank was fine with it.

But he understands everything Raven means - Erik had never spoken about what they had done before he'd been put in prison, but he could make his guesses. And - he knew that in that time, he and Raven had to have grown close.

And god, Paris - hell he had been there, standing right next to Erik, when he'd taken the gun and pointed it at her. He had tried to stop him from shooting her, too, as much good as it had done. He'd seen his expression, and Raven's. He had seen what happened without words]

I know. [it's gentle, understanding. Erik had taken the extreme choice in the matter, knowing that neither he nor Charles would have agreed] And - you have every right to be angry at him. It might not be - recent for him, but it's recent for you. And he has to address that, and - whatever else the two of you decide to talk about.

But - I know you don't mean nothing to him, either. It may have seemed that way, but - I watched you two speak on the network. I've spoken to him, too. He still cares about you, just as much as Charles and I do.

[he sighs out, almost a huff, his tone a little guilty] It sounds like I'm defending him and - I'm not. I'm really not. And - I don't know much about the man he was, because we were never close. I just know who he is now.

Would you have thrown him through the foyer too? [ She means it as a joke, she truly does, but it comes out almost a little too broken for there to be any humour left. Instead, Raven huffs a noise and looks away for a moment, considering before she leans back to look at Hank. A part of her hates the idea that he might trust Erik, but at the same time it means something - it means more than she can put into words.

Hank wouldn't let Erik come back if he was a threat to Charles, or a threat to her. He would destroy Erik if that was the case, and she can finally appreciate what it means for Hank to have been in another world. He's different, grown up more than she had seen in the mansion that night, and she welcomes it because she needs someone to tell her that it's all going to be okay. She needs Hank to be the one to support her and guide her, because she can't do it herself - she can't do it alone right now.

It's just too much pain, she thinks.

Raven wants to be independent, she doesn't want to rely on anyone - she had relied on Charles to keep her safe for so long, leaving her feeling smothered and loathed as if she was somehow more a pet than a family member - and she fears that if she walks that path again she'll lose it all. What she needs, she tells herself, is balance. Someone that knows that she needs to be alone, to have her streaks of fierce reclusiveness, but also knows that sometimes she needs someone who doesn't mind holding her when she can't be strong anymore.

Swallowing, she nods her head. ]

I think it might have been easier if he didn't care about me. If I didn't care about him. At least then I could make excuses for him, as if I was just something he needed to get rid of to protect us mutants. If he didn't - if he wasn't... So much.

[ Raven was never in love with Erik, not romantically, but she did love him. She did love him, passionately and dangerously, and she would have done almost anything for him and in his name. She respected and admired Magneto, and even now she knows she emulates what she saw in him, the leader that had guided and shaped her for so long - she believes, passionately, in what he had taught her, and she can't just drop that or pretend it didn't happen.

Loving someone that betrays you is sickening, and she has a sudden surge of empathy for Charles - and she hates herself a little for the things she had been too blind to see. ]

I always knew who he was. I thought I did, at least - that's why I left with him. He made me believe in so many things, including myself and what I was. Hank... [ She breathes out, her leg shifting a little - the one that the bullet had hit. ] When Charles said he and Erik had come for me, together, I thought...

[ She thought they were going to go home. ]

[he knows what it sounds like and what it's meant to be, and regardless he sounds completely serious in his answer] I'd throw him through the front gate.

[through, because he knows how angry he would have been. But that isn't the case now; the man he was before Kyriakos was no less possessive of the people in his life than he is now, and he would have done anything to keep Charles and Raven safe. After Kyriakos, Erik had somehow fall into that very short list as well. What felt like a small lifetime of experiences had smoothed over most of what had happened in the past for that to happen.

but he listens and - as her leg shifts, his hand falls to rest over the spot where she was shot, his touch both light and possessive at the same time. Erik had tried to kill him too, at one point - he'd almost been crushed by a sentinel under his power, and it had only been quick thinking that had saved him - and taken him out of the fight completely. He remembers learning about that and not being able to accept it at first, because it was - nothing like that man he was getting to know. Nothing like the Erik he knew.

And even then they hadn't understood it all until the very end.

He lifts his other hand to her cheek, drawing her attention and frowning a little] That's what it was supposed to mean. That's what we all wanted. [on the plane, he'd heard everything they'd talked about, argued about - the plan had been to save her and bring her home] Even Erik.

Don't make excuses for him, because he won't make them for himself. And - I think you know that. But - talk to him. I think, more than anything, that if - any of this is going to work, between me and you, or you and Charles, that - you and Erik have to talk, too. Otherwise it'll hang over both of your heads and only get worse.

I am the last person that will make excuses for Erik Lehnsherr.

[ There's a bitterness there that she can't quite come to terms with.

The truth is that she knows that she could make excuses for him if she wanted. She could argue that in his position she might have done the same, that if she was forced to make the choice her hand might have slipped - because she had almost killed Trask to protect mutants, hadn't she? Maybe she and Erik weren't as different as she had imagined and maybe she was just waiting for her time to make the hard choices; it's what it seemed and she had to try and calm herself, to not let those thoughts drag her down.

Maybe it's hard to accept what Erik did because it's hard to accept that she would be just as brutal.

The thing is that Raven wants to know this Erik, too. She wants to know the man that Charles has fallen in love with, the man that Hank trusts and seems to respect. She wants, desperately, to forget all the hurt and focus on the man that she is supposed to be able to see - but it's not that easy. Again, she feels that loneliness, the ostracised pain that comes from not being part of the world the three of them had been in before.

Would it have made things easier? Would she have found herself able to be around Erik had she never remembered all the hurt and heartache? Would she have realised her connection to Charles, would she have loved Hank?

It was stupid to think about, because she wasn't there. They lived without her, and she had to accept that. She wasn't a part of that life, no matter how hard it was to swallow.

Leaning forward, Raven rests against Hank again, closing her eyes. ]

I hate him. I wish that was all I felt, but it isn't. You never stop loving someone, especially someone like Erik.

[you never stop loving someone. He wants to laugh at how true that statement is. How it had basically ruled a great part of his life, Charles' life, and who knew what else it had its claws in. Not just their love of Raven, but of other things as well. That's why, after everything had fallen apart, neither of them had been the same.

She leans against him and his arms go around her again, shifting so he can lean against the wall and her against him. He doesn't laugh like he wants to, but there's agreement in the noise he makes. He lets his head fall back to lightly bang against the wall and closes his eyes]

No. [quietly] You don't.

[ Raven's hand moves slowly, then, stroking up and down Hank's arm - because she understand that it's as true for him as it was for her. She and Hank had never managed to broach that level when they had known each other initially, never daring to admit what was beginning between them, but she knows what she felt. It must be true for Charles, too, when she and Erik had left - and she knows that he missed her more than she missed him, because she knows Charles. She would have forced herself not to think about him and he would have dwelled for years on what he could have done better.

Her head tucks under Hank's chin and for a long, long moment she doesn't bother trying to say anything. She just lets herself lie against him, lets herself take comfort from him - because, she hopes, he'll be taking comfort from her as well. They can sit here and laugh and joke and kiss each other, but there is unspoken pains that neither of them can dare bring to light at the moment, pains that they gave each other.

Raven's hands wrap around him, under his arms so she can press her face into his chest, and she nods. She doesn't know what to say anymore and she's exhausted - she's so tired from all of this that she can't bear it, the weight of it all feeling like so much more than anything physical she had done before in her life. ]

I'll talk to him.

[he's already with it being quiet, simply seeking comfort in each other. He's said what he's wanted to and he knows that, deep down, Raven and Erik will work things out. It won't be easy - hell, it'll be a lot harder than what they're working out, or what she and Charles are trying to do. But - he has hope. That thing he keeps grasping onto, just like Charles. Learned it from Charles, and even if he doesn't hope as deeply as the other man, he still does it]

Okay. [there really isn't anything else to say to that. She's going to try, and that's the important part. It's something he and Charles can't and won't get involved in, albeit he has a feeling they both will be nervously awaiting the results. He rests his chin on top of her head and sighs out, slow] Let me know how it goes?

[ It's funny, she thinks, how much seems to be riding on this. It's just her and Erik, an intense relationship that Hank and Charles had only seen part of, but now they both want to see it get better. She thinks that, once upon a time, Charles would have hated to see her wanting to rebuild with Erik, but now... Well, Hank, Charles and Erik were the family now. She was the one that had to build bridges and become part of it again, to mend what she had left broken in her wake.

She doesn't voice that to Hank, of course. She knows what he'll say, and she's not sure she wants to hear it right now - she's not sure she can handle it with everything else.

Instead, she just lies there, using his body as a pillow, considering her words before she huffs a little noise. ]

Who else would I tell?

[he can't help but echo the huff, his arms tightening around her some, adjusting for the new position] Charles?

[he isn't going to assume that Raven is going to tell him everything, as close as they were and are now, and how much they shared already. Mostly, he was putting the offer out there to talk to him again about it, if she had to]

[ Her first instinct is to argue that Charles won't want to know - but of course that isn't true. Charles might be intimate with Erik, but they're still family. Just because she feels out of place, just because she feels like it's wrong, doesn't mean that Charles echoes the feeling. Charles is probably desperate to get anything he can from her, and that's somewhat discomforting.

Frowning, glad Hank can't see it, she shrugs. ]

If he wants to know then I'll tell him.

I think he would. [he doesn't have to see the frown to know it's there, but of course he'll tell her that anyway. Erik and Raven aren't the only ones who know Charles - in some ways, Hank knows him better than either of them.

He huffs into her hair, his hands moving to rub her back] He won't ask otherwise; he said he doesn't want to meddle.

[ Raven can't help her laugh then. ]

Are we talking about the same Charles? Not meddling?

[ It's easier to laugh and joke, because they both know that Charles has changed since she had spent most of her time with him. That part is painful, but she's working on it - really, she is. She's trying. ]

I'll tell him once I've done it.

Edited 2016-05-16 23:12 (UTC)

[he can't help but grin a little]

I think he meant with - us, specifically, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a general statement. He's an idiot.

[just like that, and that says a lot about the relationship Charles and Hank have nowadays, that he can insult the man and sound fond about it at the same time] But- good.

He is an idiot. He's been an idiot since the day I met him.

[ Or, rather, the day she broke into his house and ate his food while pretending to be his mother.

Tilting her head, Raven kisses Hank's jaw. ]

However it goes, I'll have to tell someone. I don't know how it's going to end just yet.

[in the most solemn tone he can manage:] He's gotten worse. He's insufferable.

[he presses a kiss to the top of her head] Just don't keep it to yourself. That's all I ask.

At least you don't have to put up with him alone anymore.

[ She does say it fondly, genuinely, but there is a touch of apprehension there too. She is nervous, and she is a little afraid, and she has to wonder - but she'll get over it.

She doesn't have a choice anymore.

Shaking her head, Raven lets herself press into Hank's neck again, as if it's going to keep her safe from even her own emotions. ]

I'll try.

Only when we're complaining to each other. [which - so far, has resulted in them going to the bar together. But no one needs to know that.

And - that's good enough for him. That's what all of this is, after all; all of them trying. He wouldn't ask for more] Alright.

You sound like an old married couple. Are you sure he's not dating you? [ She is joking, but it's half-hearted at best because she knows what she's missed out on.

She knows, and it stings.

Shifting a little, Raven leans back and glances at the door before her eyes drag back to Hank. ]

I can stay here, can't I?

Only one of us is old. [is his counter, and he says it with a straight face, too] But - no. He isn't my type.

[one day he'll point out how Erik and Charles actually are an old married couple, but not now. Not when they're still relearning to coexist with one another.

He glances to the door as well, but he doesn't make a move to sit up] Of course you can. [gently] We already talked about that.

You're not wrong. Charles has been an old fart since he was eighteen. [ She remembers, fondly, teasing him about it back at school and she lets the nostalgia settle around her before she glances back at Hank. ] I suppose the beard might be a little off-putting - don't worry, I'm making him shave.

[ Definitely the only reason Charles isn't Hank's type, of course.

Shifting a little, she relaxes before she nods at his desk, wondering for a moment. ]

Do you have work you need to do?

—wait, you are? [she didn't say what they talked about, and he figured - no, he isn't sure what he figured. But that is one of the last things he would have thought they talked about] Did you tell him he looks like a hippie or were you nicer about it?

[says this guy, who's never made a comment about it to Charles' face.

He considers his desk and - makes a face. He does have things he was working on, but does he really want to now?]

Nothing that needs to be done.

I just told him that we should bond by getting him a haircut, and then I transformed into him so he could test styles. [ Is that so strange? She doesn't really see how it's odd, getting Charles to neaten up a little, but she imagines that Hank might have seen things she hasn't. It wouldn't shock her if Charles had been particularly antagonistic about his hair - he had been, in the past.

She just smiles, innocently. ] I didn't tell him he looked like a hippie, I was nice.

[ Shifting, Raven pushes herself up and off his lap, dropping down onto the bed - and resting her cheek on Hank's thigh for a moment. ]

You should go and do your work. Don't let me stop you. Ice cream and stuff, right?

[that actually isn't strange to him - and he's glad that they're bonding. Even if it's over Charles Xavier's ridiculous appearance. He grins at the innocent smile and faintly shakes his head]

Well - good. I mean, that you two are bonding. If he comes out of it looking less like one of the students, the better. [again, says this guy, who dresses like an old man most of the time.

Raven moves and - is she teasing him? He doesn't know how he's managed to do work with her here the past few days, and he isn't sure how he's going to manage it now, after all they've talked about. He huffs out and sits up, but drops his hand to stroke her cheek]

All kinds of stuff. [he smiles down at her] Mostly boring stuff.

[ The strange thing was that the only thing that had changed in her heart when it came to Charles was her anger. She had ten years to let it fester and grow, and it had shared space with the loss of her friends and her kin, mutants that had been taken by humans and destroyed. The love she felt towards him, the connection they shared... It might have been overtaken by her rage and her pain but it never disappeared. That kind of passionate, deep love can't just go away.

Regret is bundled up with a thousand other emotions, though, and she and Charles are going to have to work through them together. It's not going to be easier, but it'll be easier than dealing with Erik. ] Did your students all look like hippies? That's a little extreme, even for New York.

[ Her eyes close when his hand touches her cheek. It soothes her, and she doesn't move, just laying her head against Hank and relaxing. She could fall asleep right here, she thinks, and actually rest. It doesn't matter what happens around the fleet; what matters is that she's here with him, for now. ]

It's not boring to you. [ It might bore her, but she had always tried to take an interest in what he had been doing. ] Don't let me stop you from working anymore, if you need to.

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