driftfleet | Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

You know me.

[ usually, he'd say it with a smile, jokingly. but he's been trying his hardest to smile and be cheerful around kitty, and he just doesn't have it in him to keep it up. the past few days feel like they've been draining his soul. while he hates being away from kitty right now - she was right (as she always is) - he needs a little alone time to recharge, to allow himself to feel everything he's feeling without worrying about anyone else.

he eyes the closed door tiredly, feeling fairly certain he knows what's coming next, and that he's not going to like it. ]

_{[ Kirk makes his way through the papers and comes to sit on the bed beside Winn, keeping the one that he has in his hands. He brushes his thumbs across the paper and the information, looking to him. ]}

Yeah, I do.

Come on, Winn, I know all of this is freaking you out. It's always bad when you drag out this many project papers.

_{[ He motioned across the floor. ]}

That's not freaking out - that's determination.

[ he's freaking out, of course he's freaking out, how can he not freak out? he has to get kitty and kara home. and cisco, kate, jim, margaery, sascha, hank...everybody. as long as they're here, they're all at the atroma's mercy and he's not counting on crazy psychotic mass kidnappers to be particularly merciful. ]

Winn.

_{[ It's a single word, and he looks at him, the look saying everything - he doesn't believe you, Winn, though he does believe you are determined. Maybe to determined. It was a good thing, and he wanted to go home as much as anyone, but he worried what a fanatical drive would do to Winn. ]}

[ it's one word, but hits home. it's the kara method of getting to him - whether she needs him to stop or open up or anything - she says his name and gives him a look and he knows what he's supposed to do. he knows now, too. he knows he should.

it reminds him of home. god, he just wants to go home.

he sniffles. ]

_{[ Kirk reached out, wrapping his arm around Winn and bringing him in close. He says nothing, letting Winn sort through the emotions, resting his cheek on the top of his dark hair. He's here, Winn, it'll be okay. ]}

[ he allows himself to be pulled in, taking comfort in the gesture, leaning in as close as he can get. he doesn't burst into tears, but he wants to. it takes everything he's got not to completely fall apart.

he's IT. he was never prepared for this life, but now he has to find some way to deal with it and throwing himself into his work is the only solution he can think of. ]

I know that situations like this - they're terrifying.

_{[ He said it after another bit of quiet, just holding Winn against him. ]}

You have no idea what to do what, what you can do, what to do after, because life's not exactly the same after, and even when it's over your mind won't let you think it is.

Because it's not over.

[ desperation and anger battle inside him for control. ]

We're still here. And as long as we are - they can still make this happen again. They can make it worse. [ he's always been afraid of losing control of himself. here, it's not even in his hands. this is starting to feel like his super villain origin story because if he has to watch the people he love get hurt, torn apart by people who he can't blame for their actions -- he'll really go insane.

the atroma doesn't know what it's messing with here, though. because if he goes evil, he's going evil on their ass. and his imagination has very few limits. ]

_{[ He sighed softly. ]}

I know, Winn, but you can't live your life just waiting for the bad thing to happen and worrying about it. If you live your life looking over your shoulder like that instead of looking forward, you're going to end up with a bad neck cramp and missing the more important things.

Look for the way home, Winn, never give up on that - not that I think you would. But don't let your fear destroy you either. Then there will be nothing left.

[ he could never give up on a way home - not while he still has his sanity. the day he gives up finding a way back is the day everyone should know something is very deeply wrong, that he's been broken beyond repair.

kirk is right. he knows he's right. of course he's right. but how can he move forward when they all have ticking time bombs in their heads? when it gets quiet, he can actually hear it ticking away. how long is the timer set for? who will go off next? what kind of life can they live like this? ]

How? How do I do that? [ he doesn't want to lose his mind, but he doesn't know how to break away from this terror that's taken over him. he's so scared. he knows how to sit behind a computer, he knows how to help with specific tasks - he doesn't know how to live under the constant thread of homicidal insanity all around him. it's bad enough dealing with that fear from his own head. ]

_{[ Kirk let go of him and bent down, gathering up a few more of the papers, stacking them gently together in his hands. He ran his thumb along their edges, listening to the paper whisper.

There was no easy answer to this. It was a little different for everyone, in the end, and he could only tell Winn the way he had done it. Maybe that would help him, maybe not, but it still took him time to form the words. ]}

You do what you do best - you look for the ways home, you invent things, you experiment. You're good at it Winn, and if anyone has a chance of this, you do. And you have to remember that. Fearing Atroma, always wondering what they'll do next - it's just a distraction for your true goal, and gives Atroma more power than it deserves.

And that's not to say not to think of Atroma as the threat it is. I'm just saying don't give them more power than they already have. It's a small battle in a much bigger fight, but it is an important one.

[ jim's right and he knows it - he's letting them win by freaking out this badly - but he doesn't know how to combat it. this constant fear of not knowing where it would come from next, who it would come from next. what if he's next?

he stands up and digs through his research, until he finds a specific notebook he was looking for. it's full to the end with small writing and diagrams, and he hands it to jim. ]

Here - [ he tries to look tough, self assured, but the sniffling kind of ruins the illusion. ] I want you to have this.

[ the very first page reveals what it is; a list of all the possible ways winn could come up with in his wildest imaginations - to take himself down, in case he's where it comes from next. oh, in a physical fight he'll go down like the nerd he is, no doubt. but if he goes mad scientist? he could be a grade a supervillain, and he knows it. ]

_{[ Jim took it, not sure what to expect of the journal as he flipped through the pages. When he gets to the end and sees the list, though, there's a flicker of horror across his face. Did Winn really believe he could become a monster, that any of these would be necessary? This is what he thought of himself, didn't he? The fear he carried inside of him. He had told him that he worried about it before, but this was real, tangible proof of that, and it was terrifying.

For a moment he considers handing it back to Winn, telling him he doesn't believe he'll ever need it. But... but maybe that was what Winn needed right now. To know that he would be stopped if his fears came true. Maybe this was the tangible proof Winn needed.

So despite his own feelings on it, he closed the little journal and set it beside him. ]}

I'm only using those, Winn, if I literally have no other choice.

_{[ Fair disclaimer. He wouldn't give up, no matter what, not until the decision became impossible. ]}

[ winn watches him carefully as he looks through the notebook. he's asked kara before, back when it was only his own dna he worried about, asked her not to let him hurt anyone. but this is bigger, this is different, and he can't ask this of her. not only would it break her heart, but he doesn't believe she'd be able to do whatever was necessary. she'd always see her best friend. his plans are meant to stop him - incapacitate, incarcerate - but there is always the possibility that that won't be an option. ]

That's why I want you to have it.

[ he trusts jim to do what's best for everybody - and him included. he doesn't want to die, doesn't want to even consider the possibility he's young, he should still be feeling immortal, dammit, not worrying about everyone he loves dying. about someone having to hurt him to stop him. but it's in his mind constantly since the incident. what if he's the next to be mind controlled? if before he went crazy, his dad put contingencies in place...maybe he would still have a family. ]

_{[ He's touched Winn trusts him with this, heavy though it is. He never
wants to use it, ever, but... But there might come a day where he as a
captain of this Fleet or his own ship would have to make the hard,
impossible choice. The choice to sacrifice one to save many, and he would
rather it be himself who bore that burden than someone as wide eyed and
hopeful as Kara. He just had to pray he made the right choice at the right
time, but that was for another day. One hopefully far away and never to
come. ]}

I still don't think it will ever be necessary. I don't think your capable of the things your father did. You're a good person, who cares deeply - deeply enough to worry that you might threaten your own friends' safety. Those aren't the concerns of a man who could or would turn into a monster. I don't think you have the desire for it.

_{[ And he hoped Atroma could not plant them, but Kirk believed that if
you truly believed something with all your heart, you could fight something
like that. He knew Winn would, should it happen. ]}

But all the same - I'll keep it. Just remember: I wouldn't give up on you, not until ever other option has been exhausted.

[ jim's faith in him means the world to winn, and more than anything he wants to live up to it. if it were only up to him, he even believes that he would, most of the time. but it isn't only up to him. there's an implant in his head that could potentially turn him into anything, and he can't take that chance. an out of control project plato puts the tourist at risk. an out of control winn?

with his knowledge, his imagination, and his skills - especially if the atroma unlock the limitations he's under - he could do unspeakable harm. his father did so many horrible things with toys. winn's dealing with dangerous chemicals and advanced technology. ]

It may not be up to me. [ he doesn't want to face this reality, he wants more than anything to run away from it, to hide from it. but if it catches up to him, it would be catastrophic. he thinks about kitty, all the times she was betrayed, of her husband...he won't be another man like him. he refuses. this is hard but letting down his friends - his family - hurting them...that would be impossible to live with.

he smiles a little, a smile that's downright heartbroken. ]

As much as I hate the Atroma, and I wanna go home - I'm really gonna miss you, Jim. [ he's going to go home. he has to believe it or he really won't be able to function anymore. but losing this family he made for himself - that's going to hurt every day for the rest of his life. no one has ever made him feel so secure, so believed in before. jim's the big brother he never got to have, his very own alex. how is he supposed to let go of that? ]

_{[ Kirk gives him a soft smile, a sad one of his own - because he would miss Winn too. He would miss everyone here whom had been kind to him, whom he called a friend. Winn, he thought, perhaps more than most - the brother he should have had in his life.

Kirk took up the journal, opening it to a blank page and tearing it out. When he found a writing utensil, he began to write, scratching against the paper for a minute or two before he handed the paper over to Winn. Written on it, in neat, legible hand writing -

I, Captain James Tiberius Kirk, of the U.S.S. Enterprise, to hereby declare Winn an honorary member of the Enterprise crew, and to receive such rights and obligations herein, until my relief of captaincy.

Beneath that was a series of numbers, followed by another short message -

If you ever find yourself in a time where there is a Star Fleet, use this - it's the Enterprises' personal hailing frequency. I'll come for you. ]}

[ winn watches with quiet curiosity as jim writes. he's not sure what to expect of it, it seems an odd reaction to everything that's been going on and he hopes with all his might that this isn't going to be anything like what he's given jim.

it isn't. it's as far from it as it can possibly be, and winn's breath catches as he reads the inscription, the personal frequency he's being trusted with, and the note at the bottom. he can't help but imagine what it would be like - he doesn't know much about kirk's world he realizes now and he really should ask more questions - but even so he tries to imagine life on the enterprise, space adventures without an augment, without the atroma, without all this fear hanging over his head (just the regular holy shit I'm in space fear).

he wants to go home, but damn, he wants to make a pit-stop on the enterprise. or annual visits.

nope. this can be held off no longer, jim gets pulled into a silent, awed, grateful hug. ]

_{[ Kirk knew there wasn't much chance of Winn ever ending up in his world, his specific world. But that wasn't the point, was it? The point was to show he cared about him, that no matter the separation of worlds he would believe in him and be with him in some manner. He could frame the paper or keep it always in his wallet - just something for Winn to remember him by.

The hug surprises him - or well, maybe it doesn't. Winn and Kara seem like huggers, and that's fine. He huffs and wraps his arms around Winn in a return hug, patting his back in brotherly comfort, letting Winn take his time. ]}

[ winn hasn't had a whole lot of that in his life - people who care and believe in him. he knows how unlikely it is that he'll ever put this note to use, but he'll treasure it for the rest of his life all the same, just as he'll treasure jim. it doesn't matter if his head will remember him or not - he's sure his heart could never forget.

he smiles when jim pats his back, and when he pulls away, that smile is still there, a complete turn around from the mood jim found him in. he doesn't care if it's sappy, he's a little sappy! he doesn't have anything to reciprocate here with, and he needs jim to know how much he cares, too. ]

I was always jealous of Kara and her sister. [ he shakes his head ever so slightly. ] I don't have anything to be jealous of anymore. [ to him, jim is his brother, and there's nothing in the world he wouldn't do for him. ]

_{[ It takes a second for Kirk to realize what Winn meant, and he is struck by the magnitude of that. His own sibling had been a disappointment in his life, abandoning him when he had needed him most. He had never thought what it might be like to have another, or to be in the role of big brother - that was what he was, wasn't it? As he was the one being the comforter. That was what big brother's were supposed to do.

So he reached out and clapped Win on the shoulder gently. ]}

You'll be okay, Winn. It'll all be okay - somehow.

[ he's already been designated a part of the family, but at least big brother sounds a little better than disapproving dad? either way, once he's won over, winn is loyal to a fault, and to the end. jim has one brother now who would never abandon him.

optimism is much more in his nature than pessimism, but the fleet seems to be trying to beat that tendency out of him. it's not the first time a place has tried to do that to him; it's very much the way the orphanage treated him. he made it through that, though, and he didn't have someone like jim to help him that time. the fleet may have upped the stakes - but it also gave him a support system, one he's incredibly grateful for. ]

Just gotta invent that how, right?

Or find it. You'd be surprised at what you can come across in space.

_{[ He smiled a little, thankful that Winn was seeming more himself now and perking up. Winn didn't seem the type of person on whom worry and paranoia sat well, and he would rather see him optimistically productive than in a dangers, downward spiral. ]}

I'm so ready for some happy surprises. Even, if they mean spacewalking.

[ actually, now that he's starting to get used to space, that might even be kinda cool. he returns the smile for a moment, before turning serious again. ]

Can I ask you a favor, though? I'm really glad you agreed to teach self defense to everyone and I'm working on the room to do that in it's still gonna happen don't worry I forget nothing but -- do you think you can teach me? One on one?

[ he's afraid of hurting others, yes, that doesn't mean he doesn't realize that it's a lot more likely that others will hurt him. he'll never be able to deal with an attacker like winter and he doesn't want to either - that'll just make him even more dangerous if he snaps. he just wants to survive long enough to get away, or for help to arrive. ]

Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

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