Tourist ROAD TRIP (mingle)

[takingkarabusiness]

Who: Touristas and visitors
Broadcast: as needed
Action: The Tourist!
When: The month of June

[ Get bit by the June Bug and mingle to your heart's content! ]

Comments

[universal_charm]

You were going to him to discuss things, weren't you? But fine, he's not your therapist, but you get my point.

<sub>[ Kirk is slowly learning where to push and when. He was taking it as a good sign that Winn had tried to talk at all, either to him or to Charles, so he wouldn't argue over semantics. Though he didn't want this one interaction to make the other clam up again, and Kirk was simply not equipped to give Winn the help he needed. Not all of it.

The captain shifted to lean against the wall beside Winn, crossing his legs and looking relaxed, like they were just two guys chilling after a workout. They almost were, if not for the current air that surrounded them. ]</sub>

It's okay. I know all about working out your frustrations through a good sparring session. Sometimes it just feels good to hit something.

[winn]

No - I barely know the guy. I was going there to drop off some books cuz he was hurt and bored.

[ as jim's noticed, talking doesn't come easily to winn, he's not about to open up to just anyone, especially about his biggest fears of himself. he can talk to jim about it because he feels on equal footing with jim, and he can sense jim's affection for him, he knows where he's coming from and what his goal is - or at least he trusts that he does - jim wants to help him. but charles? it's only the second time he's ever spoken to the man and he's given him no reason to trust him. yeah, he talks like he just wants to help, like he cares deeply for winn, but why? they don't even know each other, they're as far from on equal footing as two people can get, and the whole thing just makes him deeply uncomfortable. if he were to agree to therapy it would either be with an actual therapist - someone who can't read his mind but could teach him to talk instead - or with someone he learned to trust completely. he's spent his entire life repressed, learning that that's how he should be, it's not a lesson easily unlearned. ]

I'll have to take your word on that.

[ winn offers his captain a small smile; he never actually managed to land a punch, after all. ]

[universal_charm]

<sub>[ Oh, he's noticed. It was very apparent the first time they talked, when he had to spill one of his own secrets and nearly push Winn into a rage to get him to confess what was really going on. It would have been easier getting an emotional response out of Spock. He knew - he had done it before.

Kirk just happens to have more faith in people. His gut told him that Charles meant well, and he wanted to believe that - believe that someone with the power that Charles had would use it for the good and betterment of others. Surely he had not meant to pry into Winn's head? At least not maliciously. It was easy for Kirk to care about someone, so he could understand where Charles need to help came from. But, he supposed for Winn, that same feeling might not be so easy to come by or understand, especially if had been spending most of his life convinced he was a monster waiting to be born.

He reached out and wrapped his arm around him, tugging Win in for a brotherly hug. ]</sub>

I know it's hard for you to open up to people. That you've spent a very long time hiding all of this. I think that's why it's good for you to speak to someone a bit more outside the situation like Charles.

So when you're ready, I think you should contact him again and explain your own feelings on what happened. It'll be a good start for you.

[winn]

[ it's very easy for winn to understand the need to help other people - he has that same need. he's also very big on believing in people, which is why he came here to work his frustrations out with jim instead of trying to take a swing at charles. but it's very hard for him to let other people do for him what he so willingly and freely does for them, and it's especially hard for him to let someone poke around in his head, which is where he keeps all his most shameful thoughts. he's angry, he's bitter, he's petty, he's jealous, he's anxious, he's scared, he -- doesn't want that to be the part of him anyone sees. he's supposed to be upbeat, fun, and most of all - useful. he's spent his life learning that it was wrong of him to be a bother, to be negative, and his gut is still waiting for something terrible to happen every time he allows himself to lean on someone. he hates the inequality of his relationship with charles, hates how out of control it makes him feel, when he's already out of control just by being in the fleet, hates how afraid it makes him because even if charles will never mean to do him harm -- if he's controlled he could turn winn into the monster he's always been fearing. and that is way too big of a risk to take.

maybe someday he'll learn to properly open up to people, but he doesn't think it'll ever be with someone who can just let himself into his head and help himself to anything he wants. ]

I'll call him.

[ he nods, looking sad. he'll give him another chance to be a friend, but as to talking to him, opening up to him -- that he can't promise. can't he just keep talking to jim? it took him his entire life to find one person he feels comfortable enough talking to that he actually came up to him when he needed the help instead of waiting and hoping that maybe just maybe - he'll notice and maybe just maybe - he'll think to ask just the right questions and keep digging til he hit gold. he's not holding his breath that he'll find another anytime soon. ]

[universal_charm]

Good.

_{[ He keeps his arm around Winn, the training room oddly quiet when they weren't moving around, grunting and heaving as they fought. Or rather, Kirk put Winn through the paces and tried to both give him a less and help him physically work out his feelings. Still, it felt like a good place to talk for them. ]}

And hey - just because I say you should talk to him doesn't mean you can't keep coming to me, you know? I'm not trying to foist you off on someone else. I just think that having more than one person to talk to will be good for you, is all. It gives a few different perspectives on things, you know?

[winn]

[ when jim brought him here that first time, winn hated this room but now...now he treasures the time they spend here. some days it's the only part of his day he gets to feel like he can 100% be himself and it would be alright. he appreciates jim's hand around him - he leans lightly into the embrace - just as much as he appreciates his words. ]

It'd be a futile effort anyway, can't get rid of a brother.

[ or well, he can, but joking is always easier for winn than expressing how he feels - how scared he is that one day he really will end up being more trouble than he's worth to jim, or how - he likes jim's perspective, he wants to cling to it because jim's perspective is that he's a good worthwhile man and he doesn't want to open himself up to any other ever again, or - that he just sullenly doesn't want to talk to anyone else about this. it already feels like so many people know, he doesn't want to see or feel pity whenever he interacts with someone, he just wants to be normal, to feel normal.

it really would come in handy if he could talk about it, though. express all those concerns, all those feelings. it's a sweet dream, one he doesn't see ever turning into a reality. ]