driftfleet | Windrose June Mingle!

The knife you gave me did the job. [Is that weird to mention?]

There are things I don't remember doing. Bad things. Probably even worse things I haven't found out about, but I'll never know.

What do we do? [Because if this is a question off responsibility for things like that, Winter isn't alone in it. Wrath has that same dilemma. So does Tenno, though it's not for her to tell Winter that. But at least he's holding on to her hand. It means they're not alone.]

I don't know what to do. I don't know what answers I'm supposed to have.

[ Hell, he still doesn't know what the hell to do outside of this situation. How can she not tell that he's just really okay at faking it? ]

I don't have answers either. But...I think we need to figure it out. You and me and... Maybe another guy. Because this is ours to carry. Like... If what happened is your fault, I think that means what happened before that I can't remember is my fault. Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

[This is so hard to figure out. But if Winter is bad and dangerous, that means she and Tenno are as well.]

I don't know. I'm sorry.

[ He doesn't want to be the Soldier anymore, but that doesn't excuse him. He did what he was told- the same as Wrath and this other guy she mentioned. Figuring out who is responsible for what isn't really something he wants to think about right now. Especially not in front of Wrath. She has enough to worry about. ]

[This is one of the things she's worrying about, a lot. But she can tell he doesn't want to talk about it, and she doesn't have the energy to fight on it at the moment.]

Don't be sorry.

[Maybe she needs to figure it out. But if she does, well he listen? Does she even have that kind of authority? It's probably above her pay grade. So who should decide?] I'm not smart enough to figure this out.

[She sighs, closing her eyes.] Did Charles help you?

[ Don't be sorry. What else is he supposed to be? He doesn't know the full extent of what he's done, and already the guilt is sitting heavily on his chest.

He side-steps the comments and answers the question with a nod. It was a recent development, but Winter was feeling a little desperate not to have a repeat of the Iskaulit. ]

He did. He says they can't access the protocols anymore.

Good. I'm glad he helped.

[But she wonders... She's hesitant, which is weird, because she trusts Charles, absolutely. She isn't afraid of him. But there's another mental conflict going on that she can't parse.

And it's one thing to tell someone they can use telepathy on you in a casual sense, another entirely to ask them to do something to you. And Charles hadn't even wanted to do the first, more innocuous sort of thing, so...]

Should I ask him to fix me too?

Edited (Just fixing my html!) 2016-06-20 02:40 (UTC)

He didn't do anything else, just.. the programming.

[ Winter stays quiet for a moment, contemplating on whether he wants to admit the next part. ]

He could have done anything while he was in there, and he didn't. [ It's not even the fact that he didn't trust Charles. People with power and using it to their full advantage is just something he is resigned to. The fact that he hadn't is still surreal. ]

I think..[ hmm.. ] if you want him to look, he'll do a good job.

[Quietly:] I trust Charles. More than I trust most people. He's my friend. I even told him he could use telepathy on me if he wanted, just like for no real reason? But he said he didn't want too. I think my brain is too fucked up, maybe. He's a good guy.

[But...

Winter is the one person she feels like she can try to explain this to. She can't talk to Tenno about it, because Vision is his Captain too.]

But... it's hard to explain. I get confused sometimes. You know that. [Winter's seen it happen, she's pretty sure.] I got confused in front of Captain Vision. He said he wanted me to talk to Charles and Wanda about getting it fixed.

I know I should obey, because my C.O. said so. [The fact that she hasn't feels... bad. But that's part of the problem.] But... I don't know. I don't feel good, and when I try to really think about it, I get even more confused.

So I don't know what to do. [Other than follow orders.]

I think he just wants a reason to. Not just because he can..

[ People who do things just because they have the ability to tend not to be very nice people in the end, anyway. It's nothing on her. ]

I'm sorry you get confused. I used to. Back when I first got here.. [ Before Jim took him under his wing and helped him be a person. He wouldn't be where he is without him, or without Wrath. ]

It's not anybody else's decision. It's your head. Do you want him to or not? That's all that matters. I had him help me because I'm dangerous. One less thing for me to stress about.

[ Really, he needs all the help he can get trying to de-stress his life. ]

I don't know. I don't fucking know.

[She needs to try to explain this better, like she did with Vision.] It's like... I keep trying to think opposite things at the same time, and all of them are true, and all of them can't be true because a lot of it is. Um. Mutually exclusive, and then I get confused. Like...

Like I know that Captain Vision is my C.O., and I'm a good soldier, and good soldiers obey their C.O., and that's true, so I need to do as ordered because I'm a good soldier. And I know that Compliance protocols are in place for a reason, and that bad things will happen if they're tampered with, and that I will not be effective or functional without them because I'm broken. But if--if I am broken, everyone says it's because Compliance broke me first, and I shouldn't listen to them, and I know I can trust my friends that say that. And I know I'm broken and need to be fixed, and I know I need to report in for debriefing, but I can't, and I'm glad I can't, and I shouldn't be glad because I'm a good soldier.

And--and-- [Her voice cracks.] I know I've had so many people fucking around in my head that I'm not even real any more, so what the hell is going to be left of me after another round? And none of it makes sense together and I'm really fucking confused and it keeps happening more and more. So how the fuck am I supposed to figure all that out? [So maybe she's going to be nonfunctional soon anyway, and that's a horrifying thought. Maybe this is why they kept wiping large portions of her memory--to keep her from getting confused.]

[ He doesn't stop her. He lets her talk while that look of understood horror creeps onto his face. They feel the same about a lot of things, but god, he didn't know it was this bad. It's painful for him to watch her be like this. Unsure of her purpose or-- the fact that she's fucking real. She's as real as he is, and is she doesn't think she is, what the fuck does that mean for him?

Winter opens his mouth to say something, and at first nothing comes out. He shakes his head subtly. ]

Having someone mess with your head isn't on you. It's not on me, either. Doesn't make you any less real. [ He gives her hand a gentle squeeze to prove his point. Really, this is the pot calling the kettle black, but hopefully she won't call him out on it. ]

We're both broken..but we're not dead.

[ If he can figure out this shit, she can, too. They can wade through the shit together. He worries his lower lip between his teeth, eyebrows furrowed. ]

Jim-- used to say something. One of the most important things anybody's ever told me. He said 'together or not at all'..

[He voice is soft, almost toneless.] I used to think all my bullshit, like my hair and my stupid shoes and shit were like... me still being me, in spite of everything. But I think I was wrong, and it's all something a Compliance officer invented, because it was more effective.

[It's certainly made her better at dealing with people than soldiers more like General Ravani.

The last thing he says does get her attention away from the built-up misery she'd been telling herself wasn't something anyone needed to be bothered with--fuck, why dump it all on Winter, of all people?

Except--together or not at all.] Together?

[It sounds a hell of a lot better than spinning in circles by herself, that's for sure, but hasn't Winter been through enough? But she wants a direction, any kind of direction, because she can't figure it out herself.]

Edited 2016-06-22 05:42 (UTC)

What about here? Compliance has nothing to do with the fleet. I don't think those things are made up.

[ Then again, how the fuck would he know? He didn't even know who he was until a few months ago.. But he doesn't think that Wrath is fake. How much influence can someone have dimensions away? Surely, none.

Winter will listen as long as he's needed. He will shoulder all of Wrath's burden on top of his own because it offers distraction from his own shit. It makes him feel useful. Like a person.

He offers a subtle nod, eyebrows knotted in worry. Though really, the expression hasn't left his face since he came to visit. If helping Wrath is the only thing he's good for, then dammit, he will. ]

We can start with small stuff. Things that you like. Write them down? They can't take what you built here, right? ..Same as me.

The fleet's real... [Has she really changed since she got to the fleet? She doesn't know. She doesn't think so.

She swallows thickly. Action. Something to do. That's better than all this useless not-quite-crying about something she can't fix. What a fucking mess. Better to focus. Concrete things.]

I've got the work log Charles told me to keep. [It has time stamps and everything. And--] I like chess. And knitting. And poker. I learned all of those things here. [From Charles, and from Winter. She's liked spending time with him. Hell, probably liked hugging him a little too much. But her grip tightens on his hand briefly.

Because he did give her two of her new favorite things to do. And Winter's the reason poker nights are a thing, or were a thing until her back got broken again.]

Good. [ He nods. ]

See? Can't be all them. Just like how enjoying reading and The Beatles and hating gel protein are things I learned here.. Useless things like that are for people, not weapons.

[ Do you see, Wrath? Well, they're not useless to normal people, but soldiers had no need for things like that. Pointless when put next to martial arts or weapons knowledge and training. ]

[He's right. He has to be right. Because... how would knitting and poker and chess make her a better officer? Well, chess, maybe. But painting? Stupid unicorn shoes? He has to be right.]

Yeah.

[Her voice is a bare whisper. She licks her lips and tries again.] Okay. So... I'm a person. [Winter's a person. So she is too, right?] Like you.

Edited 2016-06-22 08:11 (UTC)

Yeah.. We're people. People who weren't allowed to be, before.

[ He shakes his head slightly, hair obscuring his face. ]

We're entitled, aren't we?

[She wishes she could move enough to brush the hair away from his face. She wants to see him. Because he is a person, and his face looks totally different now than when he hadn't been at home.

But.]

I want to believe we are. I think... I know you are. [She knows enough about him to be comfortable saying that. But is she the same? If she was made, it was to--protect the city? Protect the corporation? One of those seems good, one of those isn't, and it's all mixed up in her head if that's even her own thought or not.

Softly:] I don't know about me. Maybe I was anti-social or something. Maybe I deserved it. It's like... This thing in my head telling me I did, and I try to believe it's wrong, but...

[She doesn't know. At least Winter has the advantage of having met Jim and knowing he was a good man who didn't deserve to be made into a tool. And she's so glad for that. He deserves better. He's the best friend she has even if he doesn't realize it.]

[ God. She thinks she deserved all that? It's hard enough for him to admit that what Hydra did to him wasn't fucking right. He exhales a little shakily, but dammit, he won't confess to doing it. ]

If you deserved it, then so did I.

[ Go ahead and tell him he got what he deserved. ]

[Wrath looks up at him, feeling sick. She wants to laugh, but it comes out in a weird, wry smile as she grips his hand. Her voice is husky, but she's not going to cry, dammit, Winter is tough and so is she.] That was a dick move, Winter.

Edited 2016-06-22 18:04 (UTC)

[ He's not going to get emotional, either. They're soldiers, dammit. Soldiers don't cry. But people do, so it's a really fucked up loophole. Gently, ]

I'm an asshole, remember? [ Honestly, Wrath. ]

[She laughs, and a few tears spill down her cheeks. Just ignore them. Everything is fine.] You're my best friend, you asshole.

Yeah, you too..

[ It's scary, having attachments to this place. Fuck, he tried not to care, and he should try harder now, because all he does is hurt people. ]

[Good luck with that, Winter. She's never letting you go again, ever.

She takes a careful, steadying breath.] Okay, together or not at all.

I'll... talk to Charles.

Windrose June Mingle!

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sorry for the wall of text, lemme know if he'd stop her & I can edit

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That was the rudest tag ever

you're welcome

h d u

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