driftfleet | (no subject)

[ Oh, she knows that look and she nudges him gently. ]

Don't laugh, it's sweet. It helps me sleep better.

As long as it helps.

[ It's similar to Charles and Erik's routine, but he's sure that Raven wouldn't appreciate that comparison. ]

It does help.

[ It also helps with the nightmares, but she's not going to bring that up right now. ]

Anyway, that's what I needed to tell you. It's what I came here for, anyway, other than making sure you weren't working yourself to death.

I'd hardly go that far.

[ He glances at her. ] Did it help?

Not yet.

[ Pausing, she hesitates for a moment before she nods her head. ]

I think so. It felt wrong, not explaining myself properly.

I don't think it needed to be explained. But it weighed on you.

[ These things would. He shakes his head slightly. ]

That's one word for it.

[ Raven crosses her arms, shaking her head. ]

It was just this... Dark cloud in my mind, that's all.

[ Should he say something? Share? Nobody really wants to know, do they? He chews on his lower lip before dismissing it. It's not important, after all. ]

And now?

And now it's your turn.

[ Raven purses her lips, swinging her gaze back over. ]

Tell me something, anything, about the other place. It doesn't have to be bad or good. Anything that's on your mind.

[ On his mind? He contemplates this. ]

Well, it's best to start at the beginning. Erik and I were in the library, on the same team. He was Steel and I was Janus. It was a brutal place. Friends turned on each other frequently. But the time came for us to leave . . . and then we found ourselves in Kyriakos.

[ Raven listens, watching Charles careful before she breathes out and leans back, trying to make herself a little more comfortable. ]

And in Kyriakos you had different names again, because you forgot it all over again. He was Blade.

In Kyriakos, we were on different teams. Erik was on Epona and I was . . . on Ometotchtli.

[ He swallows lightly. ] My name was Miles then. We picked units of measurement.

I'm assuming you didn't pick the team names.

[ She doesn't think even Charles would choose 'Ometotchitli'; it's a little complex even for his tastes. ]

And Hank was Static. [ Shifting, she glances at the bed. ] Shall we lie down? I was promised cuddling.

[ It might make things easier, too, to be close to one another. ]

[ He nods, moving towards the bed. Was he nervous? No. He had nothing against sharing the past. But perhaps there is a thin line of trepidation.

Charles lines his wheelchair against the bed and props himself out to sit on the bed. Then he pats the bed. ]

[ Raven waits until he's done and he's moved himself, giving him the space to do it, and as soon as he's settled on the bed she moves to settle down beside him. She's quick to find his hand, to rest it there gently before she relaxes. ]

Okay?

[ He gives her a warm smile. ] Of course.

[ Tentatively he wraps an arm around her shoulders like he used to. ] Where was I . . .

[ That softens her, and she leans against him, shifting herself to make herself more comfortable and bask in his closeness. ]

You were Miles, and you were on a new team. That's where you were.

Ah, that's right.

[ Talking about Ometotchtli was painful even now. ]

Kyriakos was a less dangerous place than the library. Though, I'll admit, I preferred the library. I was more connected there, even though I reaped a lot of dislike from my skills. Kyriakos was more balanced, but still brutal at times.

[ His fingers brush against her skin. ]

There were many games. Many deaths. I died a lot. By friends, by acquaintances, by enemies. I developed my own trust issues due to some . . . concerns. Erik looks back a little more fonder on Kyriakos because his team was good to him.

But I don't think I could ever forgive that place.

I don't think you should forget it. If you were anyone else you'd be sitting here saying how much you hated it.

[ But she knows Charles, and she knows there will have been places in Kyriakos that he liked, parts that he loved and cherished. He could never admit that he hated it completely because there were glimmers of hope there for him - and that's something she would probably never really understand. She's not the kind of person that's able to survive hoping very well, not anymore.

Turning her head to look at him, Raven can't help but stare, drinking him in, and she breathes out. Leaning close, she rests her head on his shoulder, wanting to bask in having him nearby, not having to worry - he had died. He had died so many times. The idea that she might have woken up one day with Charles gone - it had haunted her enough when she had been at home before.

Now it makes her want to cry. ]

If... Charles, I'm not going anywhere. Not because I don't have a choice or because we're trapped on the fleet, but because I don't want to be anywhere else. I missed you, and I'm not planning on walking away, not here. Is that okay?

[ If only Raven knew the way her death had haunted him - the one thing he could never talk about. It had slipped by with Hermione because the connection was open and raw, like a bleeding wound. He couldn't tell her. Wouldn't tell her. How badly he had failed in that week, how everything fell apart. How he still sees that one image burned brightly in his mind.

He wipes his dry eyes. He still cries easily, but tears don't come as often as he believes. ]

If that's what you want, then I am okay with it. Always.

Is it what you want?

[ She knows the answer, of course, that Charles will always accept her return to his side, because she's his sister and they're family, forever. A part of her thinks she needs to hear it, though, and her hand lifts to touch his face, the blue a stark contrast to how pale Charles is.

She's careful when she looks at him, eyes searching his face. ]

Will it be okay when I leave again?

[ He sucks in a sharp breath despite himself. No, it's not what he wants, of course not. His wants are so stark, so deeply known that it feels ingrained on his very being. And it feels so close now that Erik was here, with their mental sharing and quiet moments in the inn and Raven so near and willing to talk, to share. He could taste it, the golden dream that he's harbored for ten miserable years.

But he'd destroy her. Or destroy them both. He doesn't have that confidence, that trust in himself to do right by either of them. He can only help. Guide. It's what he's best at.

I turn good people inside out, he had told Hank. But he hadn't been thinking of only Ometotchtli that time or even the extent of his powers. Charles had been thinking about himself. And sometimes he doesn't know what to do or what to say to fix that part of himself. Was that why he was not meant to? Or was the school that inescapable destiny, the only bright light he was allowed to hold and keep?

Maybe. He didn't have the answers. ]

Yes, Raven. It will be okay.

[ What I want doesn't matter, he thinks to himself. It really doesn't. Why would it? He can share in other people's happiness, tune into their feelings.

He doesn't need his own to be happy. ]

You didn't answer my question.

[ He says it'll be okay, sure, but what he wants? He hasn't answered that, and Raven knows Charles well enough to understand when he's hiding something. She doesn't need to be a telepath to understand her brother and she's had years of practice to back up her understanding. What happened to Charles in Kyriakos has made it so that he buries himself deep down inside himself, the same way she used to, and she can't stand it. She can't handle seeing him this way, thinking he has to pretend with her.

They've never done that before, not really. Raven never hid anything from him, except her mind, and even then she told him most things that were going on in her head anyway.

Moving, she slips off the edge of the bed and drops down to her knees so that she can look up at Charles, forcing him to look at her. He's never seen her like this, she thinks, desperate and open, and golden eyes gaze up at him for a long, long moment before she forces herself to breathe out. ]

This isn't Cuba, Charles. This isn't me leaving with Erik because - because I was angry, and hurting, and smothered. This isn't me choosing to abandon you - because I've learned from my mistakes. I know I made the right choice for the wrong reasons, or the other way around - it doesn't matter. You're not the only one with regrets about that time, okay? You're not, and don't for a moment think you are.

[ Her hands lift and, carefully, find his, resting there before she breathes out, the emotion thick in her throat and making her eyes a little wet. ]

I need you to understand that I'm not leaving you. I'm not going to be gone forever. It might take me a long time, but... I'll come back to you. I think we've both always known that I'd come back, one day. Where else would I ever want to go?

[ Raven's hands squeeze his and she breathes out, closing her eyes. ]

It's fine for you to tell me it's not what you want. It's fine for you to say that you want me to do something different. Don't just agree with me because you think it's what I want to hear or what I need to hear. What's the point of us talking if we're not going to tell the truth to each other?

[ And like that, his armor cracks, splintered in time and words spoken. It's fine, she said and he . . . he believes that. They're not the same people from Cuba, not even close. The ten year divide had not stolen their bond away.

He had to trust Raven now. Not just hope for the best, but trust in themselves again. Trust in himself as well as her. Could he do that?

No, it's not about whether he could. He had to. He wanted to. ]

It's not. It's -- [ A shaky, trembling laugh, edged with panic. ] -- I just wanted us. Together. Happy. But I feel . . . broken. I don't know -- I don't think I've learned how to make you happy. And that's what I want more.

Then that's what we'll use this time for.

[ Raven shakes her head, lifting her hands to his cheeks, brushing her thumb under his eyes. Charles has changed, desperately, since she had known him as a teenager. The Library and Kyriakos has shaped him into a man she doesn't know very well, but they're figuring things out. They're working on it, and all she can do is bask in that for now. They're repairing the wounds and stitching one another back together again.

That's what she has to focus on. ]

I know you don't want me to go. You've never wanted me to leave, Charles, even if you understand that I have to. Did you really think I'd sit here and accept you saying what I wanted to hear? Don't be an idiot.

[ Careful, leaning up, she kisses his forehead. When she speaks it's a whisper, gentle and sure. ]

I'm a big girl now - you don't have to be the only person to make me happy. Just being with you makes me happy now, Charles. Knowing that I'm here with my brother, my best friend... It makes me happier than I've been in years, and you didn't have to do anything.

[ Bowing her head, she touches her forehead to his, then she slots herself into his arms and presses her face into his neck. ]

We will be together again one day. Not like it was before, but better. I don't know how long it'll take, but I swear it's going to happen. I believe in that.

[ It gives her something to fight for. ]