driftfleet | Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

A false sensory deprivation, huh...

[That's manageable. He's not looking for an easy way out or anything - any skill worth having means putting in an equal amount of work - but he doesn't want it badly enough to do anything too reckless during the learning process.]

I think it's worth trying.

You want to get stronger?

[It's a statement as much as a question. Though his hair mostly obscures his face, his silver eyes are looking right at Mikleo.]

[Mikleo glances over, meeting his gaze unflinchingly. It's not like he's been subtle about it with the others; there's no sense in hiding it from Dezel, either.]

I do. For what we're trying to accomplish, I don't have enough experience or power as a seraph. If I slack off, I'll never grow.

Yep. [It comes off a little brusque, but that's Dezel for you.] But you'll get stronger. Not just through armatization, but other things, too.

I thought that was all I needed, you know. Get the artifact, get a Shepherd, get my revenge. Turns out it's a more complicated than that.

[He leans his head back. His long hair just barely touches the water, turning the tips a brighter green.]

You'll do alright.

[It's a comfort to hear those words from Dezel especially- to be taken seriously from someone who gets it, rather than to have his concerns shrugged aside. It's not enough to be told that he's strong as he is now, or even that he's stronger than he was. He knows that, he's not stupid. But the potential is important. Strife to improve, struggle, learn, grow. The last thing he needs is for an ego to stagnate him.

He clasps his hands together beneath the water, nodding slowly.]

...Thank you. That... means a lot.

[Dezel sends a little gust of wind right at Mikleo's face, purely to mess with his hair. Mostly because he's too busy to get up and do it himself. He's comfy where he is, just soaking and talking shop with someone who was initially very unsure about him.

Yeah, he doesn't regret some things at all.]

It's my turn to ask you something.

[PFF and that gets Mikleo to jerk upright in his seat with an indignant noise. He lifts one hand to touch his face, then hastily pats down his hair. Good grief, he's worse than Zaveid with th-

...no, no he's not.]

Wh... what?

[... Yeah, no, he's not. It's just an innocent hairruffle. He's not going to make a pass at you even if Sorey thinks you're a hot babe.

He doesn't lift his head. His voice is quiet, but Mikleo can certainly still hear him.]

Do you blame yourself for what happened?

[.....ah.

Mikleo doesn't need to ask what he means. There's only one thing he could mean.

Doesn't make answering any easier, though.]

It's... it's not guilt, exactly. I can look back on what happened objectively and recognize that there were a lot of factors involved. Symonne set us up, we fell for her illusions, you broke the pact so Lailah couldn't hold you back. All of us could have done things differently to prevent what happened back then.

[But that's not all. And losing someone - losing an ally, a friend - isn't something you can think about from a purely objective standpoint. It's not like reading a history text and taking both sides into consideration.

He grips his hands together again, more tightly this time, to keep them occupied. That night had been hard on all of them, and he hadn't really wanted to talk about it since.]

I'd be lying, though, if I didn't say that I wish I'd done more. Maybe if I'd healed you, instead of going to fight the hellion... Sorey already had Lailah and Edna, I wasn't necessary. But you needed someone, and I just...

[...okay, maybe it is guilt, at bit.]

... Thought so.

[He isn't dismissing Mikleo's concerns. He just... had a feeling that it contributed to how awkward things were with Dezel and Sorey and Mikleo. It's hard to just go back and pretend what happened didn't happen. And it's not that Dezel would ever try to pretend it didn't, but-- he's not good at navigating social things. Never has been. While he's already had a talk with Sorey about this, he hasn't spoken to Mikleo about it; maybe they're too different, or maybe they're too alike. Dezel wishes he had said something earlier, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.]

There's nothing you could've done, Mikleo. I'm not saying that to make you feel better. I knew if I got hurt I couldn't recover using the Shepherd's power, and it was a risk I was willing to take.

[He continues to stare blankly at the sky above them, not seeing it but feeling it in a way he can't describe to anyone else.]

It was all messed up from the very beginning.

[He's not sure if that can make him feel any better, much as he wishes it would. Either he's useless because he didn't do something, or he's useless because he couldn't? It's a hard pill to swallow. And it isn't about him, he knows it isn't. Never has been.

But he wishes, so hard, that it could have been different. For Sorey, for Rose. They should have been able to save him, somehow.]

Why... why, though? We never understood... why didn't you let us help you? Why was it so important, after everything?

[Why wasn't it enough? Rose had said he was smiling- that he was happy, in the end. Did he have to die to realize that?

He's not going to cry. He'd told himself again and again that he wouldn't. But there's an ache in his chest, and his teeth are clenched, because god, does it ever hurt to think about it.]

[He's quiet for a long moment. Mikleo's always been emotional even though he's of a cooler temperament than Sorey. They're two halves of a whole. He can deal with Sorey being mad at him, or even Mikleo, but it's the grief that really gets him.

He never wanted anyone to grieve for him. He didn't think they would.]

... I didn't have anything else. [That sounds selfish. And it is.] I threw it all away for the sake of revenge. Memories, people, names... I'll probably never find them again.

[That's just how he is. He's all or nothing with every single thing that he does.]

What I still remembered was so important that I could never forget. It's as permanent as my lack of sight. And it kept me going.

Edited 2016-07-04 06:49 (UTC)

[You had us. But as much as he wants to be angry at Dezel for that, he doesn't relish in the thought of blaming him entirely for his own death, which is how something like that might sound. What Dezel's saying makes it seem like everything they all went through together was worthless, though, and he knows that's not true. It's infuriating and gut-wrenching at the same time.

The problem is: what does he say to that? Is he supposed to just accept that as Dezel's answer? Because he can't. He can't even try.]

We were making new memories. All of us, together.

[It's cheesy. It's totally a Sorey line. But Sorey's not here right now, and Mikleo can admit that Sorey's better with this sort of thing than he is. The sentiment is shared, at least.

Just because he hadn't been especially good at it didn't mean he hadn't wanted to know Dezel better, back then.]

[He lets out a breath through his nose, nice and slow. This isn't new information. It's so like Mikleo to say it, even though it'd usually be a Sorey line; they're more alike than they'd ever admit. And Dezel can't disagree with it. That was one of the things he'd realized too late. All the trouble he'd caused Rose, she was fine with it, because she got to travel and make new friends.

Wasn't it the same for him?]

I know. And they did mean something. But I didn't-- [He reaches up, puts a wet hand against his forehead.] -- I thought I wasn't important.

[Whoop, there it is.]

I left you all with the consequences. I know it wasn't fair.

[Ah--

Mikleo catches that one, and it shuts him up for a long moment. So... that's it. He probably shouldn't be surprised, but to hear it said aloud is at least a confirmation. And it helps him understand, even a little, where to go from here.

He takes in a long, deep inhale. Exhale. One more. It's shaky, tiny ripples in the water around him, but he tries to quell them. This is important.]

Did Sorey tell you... what happened, the morning after?

[Dezel feels the little tremble in the water, but he wisely doesn't mention it. There is a certain stillness between them, heavy in the air too. It feels different than before.

And then it comes.]

... No. [He frowns, though it's honestly his usual expression, and glances in Mikleo's direction.] But I didn't ask.

[Didn't want to rub salt in the wound.]

I didn't think so.

[Sorey's a forward thinker, always has been- dwelling overmuch on bad experiences isn't good for him. Recognize mistakes, learn from them, move on with a smile. That's his way.

Mikleo doesn't know if it's good or bad, but he's always considered it his duty to take care of that fragility. If that means weaving around his own feelings and dealing with those problems for him? So be it. He's strong enough for that, at least.]

We mentioned it before- how we were deciding what to do next, when Zaveid decided to join up. Sorey couldn't focus on anything. The reason was obvious... him joining made it hit home again that we'd lost someone.

[He leans back, closing his eyes briefly. He hadn't even noticed, and he can't help regretting that- he'd been so focused on working through their plans that he'd completely missed how distracted Sorey had been until Lailah called him. Rose saw it, though. It'd never been more obvious how much he'd needed a squire - a human. There were some things even a lifelong seraph friend couldn't do.]

Rose... she told us what you said. Probably word for word, without even hesitating. She told us how she was going to try her best, because she'd said that to you, too. She had her own regrets- that she hadn't noticed how you felt, that she hadn't talked with you more. She... was crying. She cried because she lost you.

[He glances over at Dezel, lips tightly pursed. He doubts it's a pleasant thing to hear, but he needs to hear it.]

You were important. You are important. Please don't say things like that.

[So Zaveid replaced him just like that, huh. He wants to ask about that. Wants to know more about why Zaveid could possibly take an interest in Sorey and his group, aside from the obvious, but Mikleo is still going. Dezel's trepidation can wait, and so can his complex, but there's no denying the little voice in the back of his head when it says you are replaceable.

Rose did pass on the message. That's... that's something, but to hear that she cried-- cried over him--

If his expression is a bit anguished, it's not Mikleo's imagination. He turns away sharply and presses a hand to his forehead, obviously wishing for his hat right now.]

... ah, hell.

[He can't really say anything else. He wants to abdicate fiercely, but instead he just stays there, huddled against the wall. Dezel lets out a breath through his teeth before speaking.]

I don't get it. All I ever did was give you trouble. That's all I do-- that's what I am.

You're the only one who thinks like that. The real truth is, there's a lot we couldn't have done without you. You're our ally, our friend. You watched our backs in battle as much as we did yours.

And on top of that, you didn't just use Rose for your own gain- you protected her too, didn't you? You supported her for a long time. Without you, she might not have been able to become Sorey's squire. We owe a lot to you, Dezel.

[He's made mistakes. His behaviour was deplorable. Some of the decisions he'd made are ones Mikleo could never agree with.

But he's a historian, and he's better at focusing on the truth than on feelings or beliefs. The reality is, Dezel's presence helped a lot more than it hurt.]

Edited 2016-07-05 22:23 (UTC)

[Dezel's silence is very telling. He did protect Rose. Revenge was important, but so was she; it was partially for her sake, as much as Lafarga's. He was never able to articulate that. Not really. He just can't get over how the awful things he did were apparently okay.

-- No, some things are unforgivable. Getting Rose hurt? That's unforgivable. And certainly some other things, too. But Mikleo and the others are willing to accept him in spite of that, in spite of those things, because he's one of them.

It's a lot to take in.]

... You don't owe me anything. You guys didn't give up after Pendrago, and that's all I asked.

[His hand slips back into the water.]

But if you really don't mind keeping me around... I guess I can stay.

[It's honestly a relief, hearing him relent even a little bit. It's worrisome to hear Dezel talk like that, and he doesn't want Sorey to hear about it. He'd fret far more than Mikleo would. And speaking of-]

Hah. Even if you left, Sorey would definitely drag you back, even if it was kicking and screaming.

[The mental image of Dezel doing that is entertaining, to say the least, albeit inaccurate. The sentiment itself is real. Sorey would chase any of his seraphim no matter what it took, especially if they left for such an absurdly wrong reason as unworthiness.]

((fuck captcha tag me over here))

Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

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a bit more* omg that typo.... UGH

.....i didn't notice hahaha

NEITHER DID I IS THE PROBLEM

it's okay you're not fired for this

i should be fired for that tag though and i'm sorry (no i'm not)

would you feel better if i fired you and then hired you back on

no because i'm firing you first???? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT TAG??????????????????

YOU STARTED IT

you started YOUR FACE

WOW RUDE LEAVE MY FACE OUT OF THIS

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