driftfleet | Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

[ he squirms a little because, well, it's not a happy topic which - obviously. nothing that would send him to try and learn self defense would be he's not the sort of person who'd do this for fun. ]

The incident on the Iskaulit.

[ it's always on his mind. it could happen again, it could happen to anyone. and then what? ]

[Softly.] Yeah. That makes sense.

And as much as I would love to be with you all the time. I know I can't be. Neither can Kara. [Is that insulting? Should she be assuming he wants to defend them?]

I know. And if I dunno how to take care of myself, I'm just putting anyone trying to help me at risk.

[ oh sure, he'd like to, but he's not that delusional. honestly he's just hoping to be able to get away on his own, so they don't have to worry about him and focus on taking care of themselves and subdue whoever needs subduing. ]

Well, if you ever want any tips, I'm here. Otherwise, I'll just wish you well and hope you never get the chance to put it to the test. [Kissing his cheek.]

Thanks.

[ he smiles, genuinely appreciating it. he knows she has a lot to teach him, but he feels comfortable doing this with kirk. he'd be too self conscious trying to train with kitty around, too embarrassed to make the mistakes he needs to make to actually learn something. he wants to impress her way too much for her to be a practical teacher for him. and besides, these workouts are precious bonding time for him and jim. ]

Here's hoping.

[ because honestly he's so bad he can't imagine there ever being a scenario where he's forced to put his skills to the test and comes out of it in one piece. ]

[She doesn't think teaching him would be the best scenario either, both for his hang ups and because she used to do that. She taught the younger generation of mutants—who weren't really that much younger than herself—how to fight and survive and she was...hard on them. Practically a monster when she looks back on it now. She just wanted them to be able to defend against the ones who actually would hurt them, but she wonders how much hurting she did in the process. At least she does now with all the time to regret things she can never change.

She isn't sure how much of this is leaking through to him or if she's missing bits from his side of things or not, but she doesn't pull away. She decides to trust him with her insecurities and worries. If not him then who, right?]

So much hope. And you'll get better. You'll surprise yourself. [She believes he could get really good, but she hopes nothing happens that makes him feel the need to put that much focus on it. He's so wonderful just as he is.]

I don't want to get good.

[ it's a weird thing to confess about something he's working so hard to learn, but it's the truth. he can sense her insecurities, and tries to reassure her with a kiss to her forehead, but for now decides to stick to the feelings she's expressing with words. if she wants to talk about it, he trusts that she will, this planet feels like he's violating every last ounce of privacy she has, which wasn't much to begin with on this fleet. ]

I want to be able to get away, that's it.

[ he doesn't want to do harm, he doesn't want to become any more dangerous than his brilliance already makes him. absentmindedly he thinks to the notebook he gave jim - should he tell her about it? would it reassure her, or scare her? ]

[She wouldn't need the planet for this one. She reaches up and gently brushes his cheek while looking in his eyes.] You are never going to be him. [And thanks to the planet it doesn't just look and sound sincere, it feels that way too. She believes in Winn. Believes he can lose his temper and still be a good man with a grasp of his priorities. Believes he's been through a lot and it hurt him, but it didn't break him.

She doesn't care to what degree he learns to defend himself. Not because she doesn't care about him but because she trusts him to decide for himself as long as he's coming home with bruises and not body casts at least.

There's more she wants to tell him. That he can ask her anything. That there are things they haven't talked about, but it doesn't mean she'd keep them from him. It's just been a long life for 20 years. But his last thoughts distract her from it. Maybe he feels it anyway.

Notebook?]

[ he deeply appreciates her certainty, especially because when he first told her, it didn't feel like she had it, which makes him feel like he's earned it somehow, like he's been doing something right.

but the incident with winter weighs heavily on him. ]

It may not be up to me.

[ if the atroma can control them through the implants, he could be turned into his father against his will. and insanity...that's not something he knows how to guard against either. much as he wants to believe jim was completely right when he dismissed the idea that being a homicidal maniac is a hereditary condition, that fear still lingers.

he squirms a little uncomfortably when he senses the change in her. it's not something he wanted her to know because he knows how deeply disturbing it is, even though all his plans are meant to stop, not kill. he very much wants to live, and very much does not want to make any of his friends be the ones to hurt him.

but he sighs because - she has a right to know this. maybe it'll even be a comfort - in many ways it's her past that inspired this plan. he told her once that if he hurts her the line for his head would have to start forming behind him. he meant it. ]

I've made contingencies.

It wouldn't be you. Do you think I blame Winter? I don't. [It's all right there in her feelings.] Something like that could happen to any of us. It could happen to a girl who can pull people's hearts right out of their chests. [Which, she doesn't think about the example, but yes, she knows she can because she has. And she doesn't have a contingency plan. Not other than "Kurt will figure it out."]

What is the contingency plan? [Trying very hard not to think, "and why would you need one?"]

I know you don't, but It doesn't get people any less hurt.

[ and he'd feel responsible. he doesn't want to blame winter, but a part of him can't help but do that because kitty was hurt. wrath was badly hurt. and maybe if he had made a plan, they wouldn't have been. maybe it wouldn't make a difference, maybe the atroma would implant him with a plan that successfully avoids all his carefully laid plans, but that doesn't mean he's not going to try to keep it from happening. he has to, or he really will drive himself crazy with anxiety.

it can be anyone. that's exactly why he needs contingencies. he's seen what a mind like his is capable of when used for evil - and he's hellbent on not letting his do the same. ]

Jim'll take care of it. If something feels off, call him. [ he doesn't want kitty or kara to have to deal with him, it would hurt them too much and -- he knows them too well. he knows their weaknesses. if he went evil - whether they take him out or he proves to be a more fearsome opponent than any of them ever expected, prove to be more sr. than jr. - it'll be a disaster. he refuses to be like the other men in her life, he refuses. it has to be in his control, he won't accept it being completely out of his hands. it has to matter who he is inside, even if he's being controlled, or what's the point? there has to be something he can do about this. ]

Even if I got hurt it wouldn't be you. You can't hurt me like that. [Not as someone else. Not out of his control.]

[She wouldn't be able to just turn responsibility over to someone else and step back. Not that she'd say it, but he probably feels the resistance.] You've been worried about this since Winter?

I refuse to hurt you as anyone.

[ he won't accept it happening, he can't accept it happening. the day she told him about her death, about how it happened, he made a promise to himself never to do anything that'll land him on a list with the men from her past. what he'll do while he's under the atroma's sway may not be in his control. what he does now is. he can prepare for it, as best he can. sure, the atroma could take over him and jim together, or send him home, but there has to be some measure of faith here, it can't be helped. there are no perfect plans here, because it could hit anyone, at any time.

he's been worried about this since he was 11 years old, but yeah, the winter incident definitely took it up to a whole new level, one where he actually felt the need to do something about it because this would be completely out of his control and that's even scarier than going crazy. it would still be his mind in control, if he went insane, there could still be some of him at the helm, there would be some hope. there would be none if he's someone else's puppet. ]

Yeah. [ quietly ] Kitty, please promise me you'll call Jim. [ he has everything he needs to end it peacefully, that notebook may not detail every single path winn's destruction may take, but it details the way he thinks, where his weaknesses lie. he could prepare for kara - learning how to give her her powers was also learning how to take them away. he knows her mo, knows how she'd go at it - she'd try to talk to him, giving him ample time to do - he doesn't know what, he doesn't even want to think about what, it'll give him a panic attack if he even imagines a single possibility. he hasn't done a thing and he already hates himself for it. he could prepare for kitty too. he could prepare for most of the heroes, because he knows them, he loves them, and worse - they love him. he would be such a powerful strategic pawn. ]

[She can feel how badly Winn wants her to promise and to mean it and still she hesitates because she doesn't want to make a promise she knows she'll break. Finally, she settles on a compromise.] I won't walk away, but I'll call Jim. If this thing that isn't going to happen, happens.

If you get hurt - I'll never forgive myself.

[ and he knows it's playing dirty, but it's also true. hurting anyone would be nearly impossible to deal with but hurting kitty? when she trusts him not to - she trusts him, after everything she's been through...that's huge! - she trusts him to be different, he has to be different. he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but it's so much worse to think of hurting the people he loves the most. of course jim is on that list, but jim has a list of his likeliest weaknesses, jim knows how he thinks, jim is an engineer, jim is the one training him, and jim doesn't rely on superpowers - that gives a lot of chances to resolve the matter quickly and peacefully.

that is, if his crazy first move wouldn't be to get rid of jim before he suspects anything. there's no escaping this self sustaining loop of fear. he really will end up losing his mind. ]

Then I won't get hurt. [She rests her forehead against his.] Don't put such pressure on yourself. And trust me too. Aren't you the one always saying I'm smarter than you? I don't just rely on my powers. [She adds a soft kiss.] And trust yourself. You'll find your way back.

Yeah, but if I'm -- and you're not, it gives me an unfair advantage.

[ she'll care about him and he -- he doesn't know what it's like. he hopes he'll never be so far gone, so deeply controlled that he'll stop caring completely but a part of him knows that may be naive - if he's not in control he's not in control. it wouldn't matter how much he cares. ]

Yeah, it would. But I have several unfair advantages too. I know asking you not to worry about this is probably the most pointless of things, but maybe your augment goes off and this happens or maybe you become tiny!Winn and the issues we have completely different issues to deal with. There are so many possibilities in the world. Don't cheat yourself by only thinking of the bad ones.

Don't knock tiny me - tiny me can give you a hell of a headache.

[ he tries to humor her, he really does, but she's right - it's pointless to tell him not to worry about it. him being a kid is worrisome too, before his dad he would've gotten into so much trouble here, running around and poking his nose in everything and being excited about everything. after his dad...he was so messed up for a while there. he doesn't want any of the people who love him now to know him then. ]

I would never knock tiny you. Hey... Is there anything I can do to make this better for you?

Never say never, it may be the only way to get me to stay still -

[ he tries for a joke, it falls flat in his ears. ]

I don't know. [ honestly. as long as the augment's in his head, he's going to live with this fear. ]

Then I will just keep loving you and we'll see how that goes. [She curls up against him and brushes his hair.]

I like this plan.

[ he kisses her forehead lightly, and tries to just calm down for now. ]

Let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya

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Want to just deal with a couple recapchas and finish it here?

sure

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